You were right. This one digs deep for puns. I really like the "Gilligan's Island" links. I'm of the right age to appreciate it.
covered the mouth of Steven Just a style question. Why wouldn't you just say "Steven's mouth."?
that he was wet as a growling, shussing sound This sounded like you were about to provide a simile, but you didn't. I think you need a pause after "wet".
Keep writing, and I'll keep reading. Corny or not, I like your stuff.
Dreams are a great source of stories. I have written up several of my dreams. I start out writing them exactly as I remember them. Sometimes they make no sense at all, but I write it up anyway. eg: "From a Dream"
Sometimes I adjust them as necessary to turn them into a coherent story. eg "Invalid Item" which I have been revising for months.
Earlier this year, I had to deliver the eulogy at my sister's funeral. It's tough enough to come up with things to say while you are in grief. It is tougher still to deliver it when everyone in front of you is pouring out tears and you want to do the same.
This feel like Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx in "Collateral". Could be part of a bigger story.
Minor comments: literally slightly - I know you're speaking in the first person, so you want the words to resemble the speaker, but I would still try to avoid unnecessary adverbs.
I find this weak modifiers: fairly bloody a little deeper a little more fun
This is a creative story in relation to the prompt. You took it in a far different direction than I would have thought. You bring out lots of emotion.
There are a few grammatical issues that need some attention, but they don't detract from the strong story line (eg the dollar sign preceeds the number.)
I really like the 'Fairy Tale" tone to your story. Front to back you maintained this consistency. I'm glad you posted it in the contest, or I might not have gotten to read it. Probably doesn't fit the contest category, but its a winner none-the-less.
You used some great descriptive language to evoke strong emotions.
I like the way you developed the character in the first paragraph.
Here are a few minor editorial observations:
Stacey was first introduced to Jake at a friend’s party one Friday - This sentence is a bit awkward. It is passive voice. Maybe a bit stronger in active voice - "The host introduced Jake to Stacey..."
randomly obviously naturally immediately slightly (several times) particularly impatiently virtually sedately wearily - Adverbs tend to weaken the writing. Try to omit and if necessary replace the verb with a more more appropriate one.
"...a little concerned." - "a little" tends to be a weak modifer.
Well writtent account. It feels like it is part of something larger, as it doesn't seem to have a beginning or end.
I find the use of adverbs weakens the writing a bit:
cautiously (twice) quickly heavily chillingly
I would try to eliminate and look for stronger verbs.
Here is a story about adverbs you might find interesting: ""Laura""
I'm not much into poetry, but I can identify with this theme. My third grandchild just over 3 months ago. I will get to see him for the first time in about 3 weeks. My first granddaughter is almost 7 months old and I have only seen her once. But her older brother is almost 4, and he and I are buddies.
I live half way around the world from my grandkids, but the once or twice each year I get to be with them is precious.
This sounds pretty tame and structured compared to driving in the UAE, a few hundred miles south of you. Here are a couple stories written by a friend who came to visit this year.
Regardless, isn't driving the the Middle East an adventure? I am now a menace on the roads whenever I go back home. I have learned how to adapt and survive.
This is a cute little account. I like your representation of "items". It reminds me of Chevy Chase in "Christmas Vacation" where the cat really chews through the snakes.
It is humorous enough as it is, but you may want to expand it and add some more "incidents".
Good job - and good luck in your contest. Keep writing.
This story is filled with wonderful descriptive language. It reminds me of "Jonathan Livinston Seagull".
I like the way you have told the tale from the perspective of the hawk, without having to resort to the first person.
I'm not sure what you have planned for this, but this could be the preface to a larger piece. I think of Jack London's "White Fang" or "Call of the Wild".
Well done. Keep writing.
Brian
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