I'm an accountant, but I won't hold your choice against you.
This has all the feel of Edgar Allan Poe - "The Cask of Amontillado" with an ironic twist.
The switching between present tense and past tense is a bit confusing, but I don't think it is incorrect. You probably need to present tense to give a believable ending.
This is a creative tale - kind of sneaks up on you. You obviously have a passion about the subject. It took me a while to see the connection with the prompt, but you snuck it in there so subtly, it feels natural.
Here are a couple of minor comments - take them or leave them.
<“Knock it off, Princess. Don’t you thinkBlacky> space before Blacky
<Princess strutted over to the front of the wire cage and turned up her purring volume about 20 decibels while rubbing the side of her head against the wire> long sentence, needs some commas.
This is a well written tale - its very compelling - builiding suspense until the terrifying climax. I like the way you draw it to a close with the casual comment.
You write most of the story in the first person, past tense. I always have a difficult time with that slant, when the first person meet his demise - how can that be and he can still tell the tale in past tense.
Just my thoughts - but otherwise, well done. Keep it up.
I love this story. Having raised two boys myself and watching them now raise their own children, I have seen situations like this play out all the time. Children are full of irony.
I'm not sure if this is a true story or not, but if its not true for you, I'm sure its true for someone else.
Your dialogue really helps move the story along - keeping it interesting.
<“Of course it isn’t.” Thomas sounded utterly sure of himself, and he was. “I’ll take it anyway. How much?” The two of them haggled for a bit, then settled on a price. A bit more than Thomas would have liked, considering it was made by an unknown, but he really wanted it and the man sensed that. > "a bit" tends to be a weak phrase. You use it twice in rapid succession. There are a couple other places where the words could be strengthened.
I don't have any specific suggestions, but the second half of the story, although intesting, needs some work.
I really like this story.
Well done - keep writing.
I really like the concept behind this story. You tell it well. I'm a real fan of time travel anyway.
The only flaw I see in the writing is the longer sentences with no comma breaks. I think you should add a few commas. eg "We were riding when three British soldiers forced us off our horses" This and other sentences need breaks.
I like your dialogue - keeps the story interesting.
I wrote this as a piece of fiction (sci-fi), but the memories are mine and the dates are mine. The big flood occured in 1950 and I was born 18 months later - but for some reason, I can see it in my mind.
I think it's great the way you wove the prompts in with your favorite genre. I like the story.
Couple of comments/questions:
"silently", "impatiently" - just curious on your opinion of the use of adverbs. I try to avoid them.
"He was very hungry indeed, licking his lips as they passed a couple of joggers." the way this sentence is structured, it isn't clear whether "they" refers to the lips or something else.
Very touching story - repeated over and over again. Well done.
Some minor observations - but only observations.
<Paro, my dad expired two months back. It was a quite death, due to cerebral attack. > This sounds very formal. Is that exactly how he wrote it?
<for a little while more> "little while" tends to be a bit weak.
<hoarding “The Lost... Venue: Prithvi Theatre. Time: 6:30pm. Dates: 13th of March – 20th of March, 2009.> There is no close quote.
<I dejectedly logged out of my account,> adverbs don't really help the description. I try to elminate if possible.
My favorite line
"You know I’m not a mail person, but I had to write this mail to you " I like this statement. It carries a lot of meaning.
You write a good story as ususal. But I think you have also commented that your editing needs some work. Here are a couple observations.
<Ben looked at her and thought
maybe he would kiss her or something. He was a just a boy and a kick seemed
funny.> You use "kiss" and "kick" was that intentional?
<Ben's noise was bleeding > "nose" maybe?
<Landrakin in the principles office> "principal's"
Interesting story. This is a scary theme - I have seen it on occasion in a few movies. You presented it very effectively. Looks like you have lots of writing experience behind you.
<Janie groggily awoke in a state of confusion> Based on reading I have done, I try to avoid adverbs. But I see experienced writers still using them. Any thoughts?
<Now more d determined than ever> Is the extra "d" a typo?
As a beginning writer, I am always interested in reading how the more seasoned writers do it.
This is an excellent article, well written, researched, and referenced. I like how you use real facts rather than the emotional rhetoric used by the politicians who claim to be trying to improve things.
I am a Canadian, and although there are some flaws in our system, I would rather have ours than yours. You use the term "socialized medicine" which to many Americans is frightening. They get hung up on the words, rather than the reality.
With your flare for using facts and research, you should check out the cost per person of health care in Canada vs the US. I think you will find that the Canadian government pays less per person for universal coverage than the US government pays per person for virtually no coverage. And that doesn't count the amount of private heath care costs.
This is a cute story - very believable. You did a great job of describing Preetam's thought process.
Here are a couple of observations - but they are just my biases. Don't take them as absolute, as I am not an experienced editor - get second opinions before changing anything.
I see several adverbs in the piece. I would tend to look for stronger verbs and reduce the use of adverbs.
<making Preetam more demanding and painful.> "demanding" "painful" are side by side as adjectives, but they seem to be inconsistent terms. Just an observation - check with other opinions.
<in his thoughts though as the pangs > I find this awkward wording "thoughts though" not sure how to reword though.
<to bring a sort of sparkle > "sort of" is a weak descriptor - like "kind of" "rather" etc.
Hi there - I finally got some time to review this piece. I actually printed it out, which I seldom do. I really like the way it reads and flows. I think you have the makings of a good story.
I only have nitpicky editorial comments. Once you get near completion, you probably need to get a pro to edit for you.
You use "ok" in small case and you use "okay". I would suggest consistency "OK" or "okay" but don't switch back and forth.
<Kail placed his hands in hers......" This sentence needs some commas. Probably check some of the longer sentences to see if you have separated the phrases.
<'Just relax' > you are using double quotes elsewhere. Why single quotes here? Also need a comma after "relax"
<he found himself becoming more stressful> should probably be "stressed"
<He had to remind himself to ignore how cute she is..." maybe it should read "she was..." not sure
<They both appeared in his living room> I presume you mean Kail's living room but the pronoun makes it unclear.
<he was abruptly taken away> passive voice. Tends to weaken the writing. Opt for active voice.
<If theres a way> should read "there's"
I will try to get to the next chapter. I hope this is of some use.
Sounds like Stings song "Don't Judge Me". ( or maybe Rod Steward "Killing of Georgie") Well described. You did a great job of making the reader "see" the environment.
Here are a couple of comments - may or may not be of any use.
<Jeans and a t-shirt are not the most suitable things to dressed in, in this cold> grammar/typo "to be dressed in" - also, having "in" twice in succession is a bit awkward.
<He doesn’t expect it by now> not completely clear what "it" refers to. I think "the cars not stopping" but might be better to clarify.
Regarless this makes for good reading. It's not a "feel good" piece, but neither is Sting's song.
Keep writing
Brian
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/borgford/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 8:17am on Apr 23, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
