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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/branhr
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327 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Singed Feathers  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, I really liked what you had to say there. I can only hope I come out of what I go through siinged feathers. I've never been particularly drawn by power but sometimes taking the high road and being proud of that stance is a power unto itself and brings with it the tendency to judge those who do not. Do not take the high road that is. Thank you for reminding me not to judge others but merely to keep flying just out of reach of that unfortunate obsession.

As for the poetry form itself, I often find that if a snapshot can be described or a feeling about him to me from someone else's words, I don't much care how they arrange the words on paper. And yet no amount of structure and design can bring home something that is shallow. You managed to make a good point, bring me to to a realization about myself, and nothing about your words or phrases and kept me from realizing receiving the message he possibly intended. I will say that sometimes when you write something, the linebreaks show up differently on the screen. I'm not really sure if you intended to go to the next line when you did. He does it, it did not interfere with your message so it's barely a question do you to look over and see if it's intentional or not. There were just some really long lines and then short lines on the second half of the poem so I was just wondering if those were intentional. Overall I think it was really good and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you
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Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this. Instead of Stepping in someone else shoes to see where they come from, you step into your own shoes and see what they've been through. I like the twist. I will think Differently about what i put mine through from now on. Reading the poem, My mind drifted from shoes to thinking of people or animals that support us and we don't notice them. Good poem, short, concise, and honest. Thank you.
SWPoet
3
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Review of Fool  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, great job again. Bare of unnecessary words, you say just enough to paint the picture of the situation you describe. I'm reentering the dating world after 15 years of marriage and I know I will run into this at times. I'd still rather be naive than walled off or paranoid. Hope is not the usual "four letter word", its water in the cup where despair is the chiseled teacup, leaking so slow you don't realize its empty till your mouth gropes for the the phantom sip. Fool maybe, but at least you had enough faith to drink without searching for the bottom first.

Cudos. I'm enjoying your port.

Fellow social worker.
Brandy
4
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Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
So try. Oh how I identify. Great inner rhyme without it feeling contrived. The imagery had me seeing examples in my own room as I lay procrastinating the start of my Monday.

I'll visit your port for more.


SWPoet
5
5
Review of The Better One  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this. Its a glimpse of what we all probably feel at the disconnect between who we are inside and what we look like. Maybe we are happiest when these two merge and we realize we are enough. Better or worse, we are who we we are inside. I got a little confused about which was the better one, you or your reflection. I would hope you decided it was you who you saw was the "better one". That is most important, I think.

Great start to this site. Welcome to WDC.

SWPoet.
Brandy)
6
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Review of For John  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That was an excellent tribute. I could see this as a song.

My favorite part: I just love the words and the rhymes were solid also.

drift afloat on celestial dreams,
and angels come on moonshine wings

Also, the first two lines of the first two stanzas, using the second of each as a shorter line makes for good
variety in a song. Honestly, I think this is one of the better poems you've written.

I recently found out someone I dated in college died -Nov. 23-suddenly of a heart attack. I started thinking about the memories of us discussing Intro to Christianity at midnight in the Waffle house, or him teaching me to play the guitar. These memories flooded back while reading your poem. He had heart problems I was not aware of as we had only reconnected on facebook a couple of years ago, and then, only sort of followed each other's posts, not really talked much on facebook. But I'd like to think we both had fond memories and now, I feel much of what we shared between us and only us can only live on in my head. I wish I had connected more with him as he had some wisdom I now notice reading back in his facebook pages and I have learned from this that our friends, even ones we aren't daily in touch with, are precious and all have something special to say and to share with us. I don't want regrets to take over feelings of appreciatiation.

If your poem can inspire others to share in others' lives even if you know they may not be here for long, it is worth it. It is also worth it to realize that no one is promised another day. Tracy's death has inspired me also to get moving on the writing as I don't want to be on my deathbed with my book or poems "unwritten" and to feel I wasted my time here.


Thank you for sharing your tribute with us.

Brandy

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Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
We can look at brain damaged
as noncontributing.


This part really brought it home to me for some reason. I saw an article on the internet about a young lady who had a baby born without a brain. The baby, without being able to do what we think babies "should do" managed somehow to have a community of adults loving him but also learning to support each other and give without expecting a "sugar" from the child or whatever little paybacks we get from interacting with alert little children. The love these people ahd for this little boy was the glue that held them all and that glue, really that little soul, was a solid and separate person in the room among the others, interacting in a way that particular baby was physically unable to do consciously.

I really think this poem makes a good point. I do think that, if you wish to spend some more time on it, say each line out loud and maybe hit the enter button when you would naturally breathe or pause. There are a few lines that seem sort of randomly divided

For instance in these two stanzas: You actually do it like I was suggesting in later stanzas.

Unattached.
Free.
I am unsure (maybe pull next line up)
what this means
in the world of humans

Our best
generally comes out
in relationship. (to another)
If someone is good,
he or she didn’t (do it)
do it (for or in themselves.) (not sure about "In" ...he or she didn't do it in themselves?

--------------
I'm being pretty nitpicky with this and there is no "form" to worry about here but just how I read it, it feels like someone threw a few commas in and asked me
to breathe where it wasn't natural or automatic to breathe or pause in that spot.


I like where this is going, though. This could be as much an essay also. You might also make the different sentences in the same stanza relate to each other and there was one, the middle stanza, that seems to put two totally different thoughts in the same "paragraph". Otherwise, I thought it was terrific and what depth to pick these thoughts out. The more you can show "being there" or show what "voice" you were speaking from, the better. I wasn't sure sometimes if you were the one who had the stroke, the objective observer, or the family of the patient. It would be interesting to have one poem from each clear viewpoint (maybe another trilogy). The one who lays there and sees, hears, but can't communicate. The one who is uncomfortable seeing "daddy" or whoever in the bed but who does their best to be "natural" in the face of unnatural circumstances, and the casual observor, professional (clergy/social worker/nurse/etc). Then, the reader could try on different "shoes" while reading this trilogy.

Hope this all helps. I've peeked through your port and I can tell I am going to enjoy poking around in there. We seem to gravitate to similar subjects. I can't wait to see how you handle them.

Take care and again, sorry it took so long to look at your stuff. I've been so inconsiderate by accepting all those reviews and being so slow to return the favor.

Brandy
8
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Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
AMEN and thank you!!! Being a moderate in the land of extremes, I am close to pulling my hair out. But what have I done besides fuss and write poetry? Nuttin. Well, I do vote and I research before I do. But sometimes its between a crook and a shmook. Big choice.


I asked Pat to suggest a writer who has some "deep thoughts" that I would enjoy. She suggested you. She was right. I look forward to challenging myself about what I can do to change things, or at least do my part.

I'm a social worker (work with Pat in the real world) and I've taken to asking my clients what they would do in some of these political debates and they have some really insightful ideas. We should listen to them sometime. I think we need a problem solving website where people put problems or previously unsolved issues and ask for people to tackle them on their own then send solutions to whatever website. I mean, we are a country of well educated and/or well trained people -we should be asked but you are right, we also should be willing to risk putting a solution out there even if not asked.

You've given me food for thought. Thanks. I'd love for you to peruse some of my writings. I have a big section about nature that is riddled with politics-you'd appreciate it-I think. Ask Pat if you need suggestions. There's a lot on the port so it looks a bit daunting.


Only this line: Take it. We can’t afford it. I am not going to argue the validity of that claim. I am going to say what both sides can easily agree to. (I think this should be "too" but it could be wrong. I'm really impressed with the content so I'm rating the content, not the grammar on this one. Hope that's okay.

Take care and it was a joy to read your piece. I'm sorry this isn't as much a review of the actual writing as it was on the topic.

Brandy


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Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
That last line rang a bell. Great job. You are so right. Its not so much that the less fortunate are satisfied with little, but that everyone as humans tend to look at what isn't right and wish that it was. Its just that with those who have little, the things they lack are huge (safety, food, freedom, family) while those have much, the things they lack may seem very trivial. The danger is in thinking that one has love because one has a house, a car or many possessions. A child can be equally lonely if they have one parent missing or one parent who is abusive. However, the safety nets below someone in a democracy with loving family or agencies that can help are much more predictable than those in some other countries. On the other hand, a close knit community of elders and great great grandparents all the way down to parents may be more secure even if there is little economic security. Really, we can't judge other's circumstances and reasons for sorrow. But we all must also learn to be thankful for what we have and observe that we can show love to our children with hugs and time, instead of buying them stuff. We can do with less but the question is, how do we get our extras to those in other countries who need it more?

Well, You have definitely given me something to think about. You really did do a great job of giving many believable vignetes or examples and that last line really struck a chord, it packed a punch, in other words.

Really like this one.

Keep up the great work. The specifics make this poem even better.

Brandy

Got to get back to some "real" office work now but I'll get to "smile" as soon as I can.

10
10
Review of Mind Workers  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this. I often wonder if psychiatry is simply a bunch of blind men feeling around the elephant, thinking his description of his little patch of explored terrain describes the entire animal. Great lesson on the history of psychology (from a psych major and current social worker, I think that to memorize this little poem would help someone ace a test.)

I didn't quite get this one - Random selection, giving placebo's, not any saner

Freud's mojo up his nose-funny

I totally agree with the final two lines. I think psychological theories are like forms of poetry. Pick which works or none at all. Whether you name it or not, its still a bunch of words or a bunch of behaviors.

Take care, great job, and I'll be sure to visit your port again. Your choise of topic intrigued me.

Brandy
11
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Review of Writing in Snow  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I love the Buddhist tilt to the poem. I'm a big fan of not making the grave the replacement for the person. Only question is "matters strife" -should it be matter's strife with an apostrophe "s"? Otherwise, I thought it was terrific. I'd like my soul to hang out in a huge library on the other side. Next would be the Tree of Life. Definitely.

Great poem.

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SWPoet (Brandy)

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for entry "Las Vegas Show
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (5.0)


I don't see any mistakes here. Sort of funny, I can just see this character. Better watch out for purple princess rhonda (exactly how souped up is a Honda). I'll bet she's expensive. Doesn't this remind you of the humorous grave stone sayings ...."Here lies"....., along with a joke of the circumstances of the unfortunate one's death)? Definitely whimsical. Good job on the lesson.


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SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review of Evening Meander  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am reviewing for Rising Stars.

I was grabbed first by the second stanza, the shards of ice. Never been to Lake Huron but I could picture everything from that point down. Especially the ice shard piercing the moon "belly". What great imagery. I know this is rather short but I really think you did a great job. I wonder what it would look like centered, only because it was a little distracting with the very different line lengths. However, I thought each lined ended where it should. So I wouldn't call it a fault, just curious if centering would maybe cloud the distraction but keep the lines in place where they should be.

Anyway, great job. Worth a five.

SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review of Lament  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this very much. I think we all were reading Buddhist texts this week, impermanence, suffering, survival, lament, etc. OR perhaps since I was, I'm just seeing things that way.
I love the last line, so true. Wondering though, what were you thinking about when you wrote "Warning to desist?" Just curious. These poems can be about many things but, for instance, I was thinking of the recent tornadoes when I wrote mine. Not sure if it changes the meaning any. Maybe it hurts a poem to say what the poet was referring to or maybe it gives the reader an "aha moment" when the context is revealed. I'm on both sides with this. If I want people to know, I'll say. Sometimes I don't. I think of the wars going on in the Middle East and how life is too short to kill, maim, destroy land and possessions all for a king trying to grasp a reality that is not permenant and was never meant to last forever. However, death and destruction for freedom, well, what other reason would be as valid. I can't help but think there is another way but I can't tell you what it could be at this point. When death doesn't naturally come to a regime on its deathbed, perhaps it takes a little "action" of some sort to help it along. All the uncertainties-its the only true certainty-that nothing is forever.

And with that, I get off the soapbox. Loved your poem. So true, and well said.

Brandy


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SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Where'd ya find those words. You are right, there's more than one way to skin a cat (or twist a tongue).

Only one tiny thing, I think it should be AN "E" rated not A "E" rated poem.
It is hardly worth changing a rating for though. Great job using your noodle
(and an obscure dictionary).


Brandy


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SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review of Writing in Snow  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Yummy menu. LOL. Bet you have folks having no idea what a banger is. Spent a week in Scotland in 2009 and got an idea of some very different ways to say common foods. Where are you from? Anyway, great use of alliteration and vivid, visual, vibrant, and varied verbalizations. Okay, "words" didn't go well with the rest.

I enjoyed it and will see if my kids can say it tonight. I can't wait to hear my six year old go EEEWWWWWWW when I mention the tarantula tartar.

Brandy

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SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the story. You should submit it to "the Sun", a literary mag I get that deals in memoir. Really hits home with most of our first lies that we remember feeling so anxious about it taught us not to lie. I wondered if your mother knew it was ambiguous what she wrote just to see if you could understand that its okay not to be perfect. Some test, though, huh?

Just a few things I noticed-one typ-o (Jumping (see below at far right).

As I neared the end of the first aisle I avoided looking to my left. I barely kept myself from jumpging

Then, in this passage, I wondered if it was correct to say "there weren't enough money" or "there wasn't enough money" (see below)

Which one did Mama mean? I stood there, perplexed. I couldn’t buy both of them. What if there weren’t enough
money, or what if my mother yelled at me for wasting money?


Otherwise, I thought it was terrific. Really good. Seriously, "perfect" well, but for the typo. LOL. What's perfect anyway? Who made "them" rules up, anyhow? Take care and thanks so much for sharing this with me.


Brandy

PS I vote 5 for meaning, 4.5 for spelling and such (since I did find something) and rounded up, that makes it 4.75 but there is no such grade above so I've rounded up to 5. These are easy fixes so I'd hate to color the whole story for a single typo and a grammar thing I'm not certain about anyhow. Congrats and great job. !!!!!

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Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Steve,


A couple of things struck me with this poem-very small suggestions only. On the fifth line, "He" is capitalized but probably shouldn't be since it falls after a comma.

Also, If you take the second three lines alone, one would wonder who "he" was. Could be a star reacting to papparazzi (sp?) Though, perhaps that was your intention. We do the same to people as we do to animals, I guess. Invate their space.

Sensing you moving
toward his space, He balks.
Capture him in your zoom lens.


Otherwise, I liked the crane's attitude, the action and interchange between the bird balking and someone trying to take his picture-perhaps they are really in the park people watching. Great job. Just a few suggestions.

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SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review of Harmony  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The poem along with the picture is breathtaking. Great job. One thing, though. I think the two "katauta" are to be joined to form a sedoka. In other words, I think you have a space between that might need to be taken out. Otherwise, I think you did an excellent job. I love the natural elements and birth/nurturing give and take between the two katauta. Lovely. Calming. (Is the "mother star" the sun? Just curious.

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SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review of Moon Song  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like how this is written. Although I guess it isn't necessarily supposed to be one full sentence, it still resonated.
Plus, I tried to figure out how to make it two phrases, one -1 line-and the other -2 lines, but I couldn't without messing up the message.
I saw in a site called http://ahapoetry.com some discussion about technique in haiku such as compare, contrast, riddle, association, sense-switching, etc and most of the examples, while showing only phrases, not sentences, have this feel to them that you show in this poem.
My favorite phrase was "pale sister of day" -neat metaphor. Despite this rule thing, I still think its an excellent poem.

The syllable count is correct for what you were writing and the picture was an excellent match.

I ended up redoing mine since the one I did was more like a senryu?(sp?) and when I did write one after reading the article I mentioned (Jane Reichhold article about Haiku technique) and I think I really got the gist more after reading this article.

Overall, great job.

Brandy

REVIEW DONE FOR POETIC EXPLORATIONS GROUP
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Review of The Poet Tree  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

First of all, I loved the ending. Then, after reading it, I repeated the title and realized the play on words. The Poet Tree and The Poetry.
Not sure it was intentional but it fits.

In the first paragraph, I lost the flow a little when the word "wryly" was italicized and I wasn't sure if she was thinking her adverb or if it was accidetally italicized. Honestly, this is all I found that I would suggest clarifying. I did think early on that there sure were a lot of very detailed descriptions but just as I was about to wonder if there were a few too many, you hit the middle of the story with the calendar and my curiousity got the better of me. Once that happened, I didn't so much notice the detailed descriptions since the "story" part was really picking up. In retrospect, if I were in the character's place after a loss like that, I too would have notices those little things and grief does that to you, somethimes. As if time slows down and you are just sort of existing in the larger sphere of life but yet overfocused, or maybe just trying to rest your eyes on something familiar or minute(small) to divert it away from the grief. Its like sitting in the principal's office or getting a lecture from your parent and you focus on the crack between the floor and the wall or on the words embroidered in a picture on a desk-anything but the eyes of the one talking to you.

I did feel like it was realistic, sweet, had honest emotion, and some resolution at the end. I absolutely love the picture. I have something for trees as you can read in my folder titled "Nature Poems" thought my fascination is with winter trees where you can see the branches with the sky behind and through them. But anyway, there is something about a tree that is very primal and somehow touches the collective "jetstream" of the unconscious. The ultimate symbol seen in nature every day. Great job with the writing and the emotional build.

I noticed, also, a difference between the father and daughter in that the father heard the music and said the words will follow but the daughter, in the end, said "the words would go on and the music would follow.

Funny how some are one way and some are the other. Sometimes someone does both. I've heard a tune and then written a lyric but also , and often, the words come in some form of pattern or melody so I'm not sure if its not simultaneous. Just goes to show that one tree can be a muse in different ways to different poetic "types" including song writers and that we all have different ways to express the same common truths.

I enjoyed the piece and good luck on your contest.


Brandy

SWPoet

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Review of Writing in Snow  
for entry "Solar Day
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
POETRY REVIEW by SWPoet

General Disclaimer:
This review reflects my opinion and is given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. I hope you find this review helpful.



Title:
Solar Day -It started out being about weather, I thought, then the stanzas began describing the way the poet sees God coming through
each day in different ways. With the word Solar, I don't automatically think of someone's relationship with God. Now, Son vs Sun, I would get that, I guess, but Jesus was not mentioned here. I would like to know what the poet's connection was between the title and poem before I made any suggestions.

Form/Styleb}

The form, the lanturne, was kept in that each stanza had the syllable count 1,2,3,4,1.
I noticed the description of the form listed in this piece didn't add that the poem usually starts with a noun, then uses the next three lines to describe it or give alternate descriptions to change the meaning, then the last line is often a synonym or other word for the first word.
I got this from several different websites and likely combined them here so I apologize if its not exactly the way the course description was written. (I just looked it up on the web and I got several different descriptions from simply listing the syllable requirements to going to much more detail about the middle three lines and the purpose. With this already in mind (and noting that the poet may not have known about the traditional format other than syllable count) I will point out (but not criticize) that the stanzas were more like sentences, statements, or phrases than renaming or describing the first words of each stanza. As they are, its fine too. This is just an observation.

Flow/Rhythm:

I found the stanzas in this poem to more like sentences or phrases (as said before-no complaint here) but each stanza is taking the reader from morning to what I thought would be sundown. This, I consider, a flow or pattern. Since its done all but once, that one stanza stands out a bit. All but the second to last (God’s/love is/the spirit’s/independence/joy.) kept this pattern by mentioning a part of the day (Dawn, morning, noon, early afternoon, passing day). This would be the only stanza i think would need a slight reworking just to keep the pattern (if that is something the poet wishes to do).

I'm not sure where this next comment fits but I had a little trouble, since the stanzas are often in sentence form, making sense of a few of the stanzas that some extra commas might completely fix. For instance, in the stanza "God’s/love is/the spirit’s/independence/joy" I really wanted some comma, semicolon, something between independence and joy. It may help to write the stanzas out as sentences just to look at them and see if there is an indication where the reader should pause or breathe.

In poems where there aren't sentences, this wouldn't be a problem but here, with several periods, it might help the flow. I think, without that one stanza, the rest of the poem is great. Also, you could add what sunset and God have in common, such as vivid colors, reflection off water, etc in that next to last stanza to continue the flow.

Tone:

In this poem, I felt the pensive, thoughtful tone as the poet showed the connection between the passing of sun, the ever presence of nature and its connection with God or our connnection with God while in nature. The sun rises, shines, sets, returns, and is consistent as is God's grace and love. The sun makes nature dance, glimmer, shine and change through the day and with these changes come our change of mood or feeling or tone. This was a strength in this poem.

Word Choice:

My favorite stanza was
In
morning’s
blue grace I
feel the love of
God.

I liked this because, living on a lake, there is something amazing, peaceful, graceful, and ...Blue, about early sunrise when the sun isn't really over the horizon quite yet but it is still light outside. The words of this stanza bring pictures to me of the fog, quiet, perhaps the water without ripples looks like glass, an egret standing gracefully on a dock, or standing on a treelimb chirping.

Something I think could be expanded upon in the few words allowed in this form is that there are many repeats of "(of) God's or God, "Shines" etc. In the first two stanza's, there is no mention of God. Then the last five say "God" in each one. You could save a word by using a pronoun somewhere or by "inferring" at the start or in the title that you are speaking of God's gift given through nature or the sun's passage. Just some thoughts here. I would love to see what examples God's Grace or Justice or Majesty comes through to you as these are often said along with mentioning God to the point that they become somewhat unexpressive without further comments.

Perhaps there are other synonyms for God such as Creater, Father, (Mother-Hey, is there a gender..really?). These are simply suggestions to make the poem say as much as possible without much repetition and with use of much more specific examples of how the poet is personally moved by these changes in the sun's passage.

Overall:

Please don't think all the comments are criticisms as I really like the metaphor you've chosen, the images are calming, reasuring, and vivid, and the poem as a whole is a lovely testament to your faith. So, feeling that there are many good points, I think a few small changes might really light up this poem and make it truly shine from top to bottom.

To recap, these were some suggestions I mentioned above (in a little clearer language) to make a good poem better:

1. I had mentioned omitting or reworking the second to last stanza to include perhaps sundown/sunset maybe.

2. Using a few more descriptive words in place of the extra "shines" (perhaps glimmers, reflects, on fire, etc.) and maybe inferring "God" instead of writing the word for a few stanzas (saving you the attached "of" in a few spots where you write "??? of God".

3. Reading out loud each stanza like a sentence would sound and finding areas where a comma might help with the visual and verbal flow and clarify meaning in some spots.

4. Tell me "how" for each stanza For example, How does noon remind you of God's justice? Perhaps the seering heat, the intensity, histories of people feeling droughts were punishment for their collective misdeeds? (not sure how you can say that in 11 syllables but perhaps it can be done.

Areas that were strengths or that touched me more:

1. There were no mistakes in the syllable counts.
2. The metaphor of the passing of the sun and God's influence in our lives.
3. The vivid pictures I saw with my minds eye, especiall "blue grace"-Very elegant description.
4. The way each stanza (except that one) continued with the passing stages of the sun's arc.
5. Just thinking of ways to enhance the images brings to mind more poetry. This would be an excellent seed poem from which a full poem could be written for each and every stanza.
6. I'd love to see this in a poem with more words at your disposal so you could really bring out some images and really strengthen this metaphor.

Please take these comments as mere suggestions. I know about you only what is on the screen, not your experiences, struggles, and faith. There may be powerful connections you have with certain images that I would never dream to judge or criticise and if poetry is truly meant for the writer as a way of expression, then I'd say keep it just like it is.

If you intend to offer this as a contest entry, these might be comments you would receive and looking into these suggestions before hand might strengthen your entry. You will either come out of the revision just like it is with more conviction of your choices or you may change a thing or two without messing up your message and improve the flow or word choice.

Even if you change nothing, I was honored to get a glimpse of what another poet sees and senses about God and nature. Thank for the chance to read your work.


This review is being done for Poetic Exploration Group: Week_6_ Form__String Lanturne___



Affiliated with Poetic Explorations

SWPoet (Brandy)

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Review of Writing in Snow  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Poetic Exploration  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, what a punch in the gut and so very, very true of human nature. Until that time, you are in a reminiscent, meditative moment contemplating the dwindling hours, the mistakes and regrets and then WHAM!

The first two stanzas build up well to the final punch but I was still surprised at the prophetic wisdom you touched on in the last five lines. You could make the whole poem into only the last five lines and have a winner.


I've often pondered the added commandment of "do unto others as you would have done unto you"
because I think we often don't think we deserve much. How can we show kindness to others if we don't feel deserving ourselves? How can we seek happiness if we feel unworthy of it. Its no wonder people look outside themselves for happiness. The insides of some folks can be so yucky and depressing, who'd want to spend time in that maze looking for anything.

Great philosophical observation!

Review to come, thought it might sound repetitious after this.

Brandy
24
24
Review of Absence of Time  
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is so calming and full of imagery. My heartbeat slowed just reading it. Great job capturing the images of the toes in sand, the heartbeat reference, the ocean air (may mention the taste of salt while you're at it. ....or not)

This is the only place I felt a word change might help the flow. I think its that embrace has two syllables and coming after the word "its" just sounds like an abrupt change that slows down the tongue. Otherwise, I thought it was beautifully done. I love the last stanza. Its like coming to from a dream and letting the dream hang on a little longer while you're taking a shower. Peaceful.

Eternity looses its embrace of me and (“Embrace of” or maybe “grip on” if not cliché.
my senses gradually respond to the
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25
Review by SWPoet
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow, that's disturbing and I'm so glad there was enlightenment of sorts at the end. I enjoyed the flawless rhyme. The words and message flowed so well and was not curtailed by the the presence of your structure and rhymes. Truly a winner. Congratulations.

Brandy (SWPoet)
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