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51
51
Review of Multivalence  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fascinating! I so agree with so much in this piece that I cannot even start to explain it all. The anatomy of a poem, in my opinion is inspiration plus fingers minus the mind plus the opennes to write it down without the internal editor equals a piece that will inspire someone which is the whole point. If you can't laugh or cry at your own poetry, what then? I think this is the best description of how writing is so much more constructive than therapy. One can read a poem and think, "that's me" or "that's my father in law" or "that's where I want to be someday" and the fact that they, themselves, came up with that observation means that they, themselves, are able to have some insight into their family member's inner selves and their own. As a social worker, I can make someone want to do better but I hope I can lead them to someone or some writing or some experience that does help inspire them. If they get it themselves, they do so much better.

I marvel at how different people can get different meanings out of poetry. My mother, when I was growing up, was afraid of my poetry b/c she thought it was depressing so therefore, I was depressed. However, this viewpoing was more a reflection of her own fears than my depression (which I did not have by the way). I am one of the least likely to be depressed BECAUSE when I feel an overwhelming emotion, I cry, get it over with, feel it, write it and move on. When I'm around a depressive person, I tend to pop out a poem to learn to empathize with them, like stepping into their shoes. But, does that mean I'm depressed. Nope, I don't think so. I don't have to be abused as a child to listen to someone else's sad story. Aside from that, one way to help us stop editing ourselves or stop feeling so self concious about our poetry is to understand what you are saying here-perhaps what you write was not for you, it was for someone who will read it. And, what you wrote before you thought so much about it could be the very method it will best be understood by the reader for whom it was intended. In that way, we are poetic "mediums", not interfering with the message but putting out there for others to catch if it is their need to read it.

Thanks for writing such an eloquent manifesto of sorts. I personally needed to see that I wasn't so off base with my own beliefs afterall.

Brandy
52
52
Review of Season of Storms  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
The words just zoomed in spots and raged in others, creaked and all those other great verbs. It was wonderful to actually feel the storm in the words. Also, I was sort of wishing for a peek of sun too when I got done. You portrayed the whole picture, like a panoramic photo, each pixel described in such a manner that I got soaking wet and my hair messed up just from reading it. Terrific job. How did I miss this one. Thought I read them all.
Terrific!!!!

SWPoet
53
53
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Did you hear the sound of a woman cracking up while reading this. I was just about to go to bed and your title prompted me to click it. Wow, you really said that...then...you are lucky...looks couldn't kill. No, we forget the pain and being mad at our husbands for that act. Not that it won't happen again, the look, perhaps a pregnancy, the foot in mouth disease. But it must also be so hard to be watching too. I feel for you guys. I'd love to know where the guy was from who met you with the wheelchair. I hear the slight hint of Southern Drawl. For a story, you cracked me up. I don't have any comments b/c I just purely enjoyed it. It went fast, about as fast as the baby, but I didn't get stuck on a word or phrase. Great job capturing the panic and chaos. Ya done good!!
(I'm from Alabama, we say that down here even though we know its not grammatically correct, LOL).

SWPoet
54
54
Review of This Is Me  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rerating after changes. Great job!!!

Comment was sent before I knew I could re-rate.

Brandy
55
55
Review of Heaven's Worth  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
Did you write this before or after our conversation? Just curious. I really liked the first ten lines and then you know how I get with outward religious sentiment sometimes-you lost me a bit at the end. However, this is just me not you and if this is how you feel it is right to you. I do feel this way but I think I just am not comfortable saying it sometimes.

I really don't know what to suggest for it would put words in your mouth and like I said, I'm just not comfortable with all that. At the beginning, it sounds like you just waiting to die and then the only reason not to is that you feel God's love but i wonder how you do, or what reminds you of His love (seeing something in the environment, seeing your kids smile, knowing your writing helps others with the same problems, etc will let you know that God needs you here and he will be there when you pass on but you still have work to do.

"I must remain true to HIm above" I take to mean you won't kill yourself but because it wouldn't honor God but you do pine for home and can't wait to get there. It seems such a waste of what you are and what you can offer while you are here.

However, I know you and I don't think that is really what you are saying but it does come off that way if someone didn't know you. I feel kind of weird hearing mom say I was what kept her from doing that since I would like to hope that she has other things in her life that she enjoys enough to want to remain here. On the other hand, if I am it-and what a responsibility that is-I guess I am thankful that I was enough for her. B/c if I was bad and she did do something, I would forever blame myself. I get a little spooked when anyone acts like I am their world. At the same time, being a parent of a melancholy soul, I want for my son to love life and to find something that makes him happy and makes him not want to exit this world prematurely. If God is the parent I think him to be, I would hope he feels the same way. I wonder if he might be wanting us to hear these words:I love each of you and I love what I created in you. Please see feel my love, let it sustain you in the hard times but also see inside yourself that little part of me and let it shine to others. You are my hands and feet, my mouth, my words on earth so don't close the door so I can't see the world through your eyes, open it up and share me with others. Perhaps he is using your eyes and arms so he can guide your kids and watch them grow. It wasn't exactly an accident that brought you all together-if it's not an accident that one has a child by birth it sure as heck isn't an accident that you were united by adoption.

Thanks for sharing and I enjoyed your poem (and perhaps what bothers me is something I need to examine in my own self so don't listen to me on those last two stanzas.

This is only a 4.5 b/c in comparison to the last three, I thought those three were a little better-a little more specific and "got me emotionally" more.

Great job on all four. Glad I had a moment (be the state's dime) to review these.

Take care
Brandy
56
56
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Amen!

I love the imagery, disgusting at some points (putrid) but that is the best poetry-to make us have a gutteral reaction to the description. And, holding on to grudges and bitterness really does sour ourselves more than those we chose not to forgive.

Plus, one cannot steal another person's light, only throw mud upon the bulb so that we cannot see our own light and cannot feel its warmth. its up to us to wipe off the mud and let it shine again. And that is something no one but ourselves can do.

Great job, no suggestions!!!

Brandy
57
57
Review of Read the Real Me  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! No complaints here. While I was reading this, I was imagining your son writing
the same thing only perhaps not relating to writing.


To know the real me
takes time, my friend.
You see, I hide myself
behind (angry outbursts)??
and (withdrawn hugs).??

What you see is not
who I am; so you must
look deeper if you care
enough to want to know me,
to know my heart.

I struggle each day
to (understand what people say),
to (make the anger go away)
(to overcome the obstacles in my way).
Victories are few and far between.



See what I mean. I wonder what his outlet will be. What he will reveal his true self through. Maybe finding that will help him paint his pictures of his soul. I love this and this is really, really honest and to the point. Sort of like -don't judge me by what I say or do, but by what I am inside. (if we could just figure out who the real "I am " is. Thanks for sharing yourself-I've really enjoyed reading your latest works because you are letting go of needing form are saying what you want and need to say.

Thanks for sharing.
If I could do a 5+ I would. This probably should habe been a 5 and the last one a 4.5. Oh well, you deserve both 5's

Take care

Brandy.
58
58
Review of This Craziness  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

From a poetic or form point of view, let me know if you submit this and I can help you in spots. However, I think this was done more as writing therapy and to make a point, give some hope, record a thought not to be graded as "poetry" or edited.

I really like this part-kind of funny and it also resonates with anyone who gives birth to or raises a child with any disability.

My life's a psychiatric ward!
This is not what I signed on for.

For a piece that would be really good published, I think I would either make it very specific to one of your children or make it less specific (don't name bipolar but put disability or special needs or even let people figure that one out. A parent may be totally into the poem and get to that point and see you aren't like them in that one way and stop relating. If you write My life's a psychiatric ward, I think they will get it anyway. My mom's friend who had a child with CP at 17 yrs old probably also felt "this was not what she signed up for" but she wouldn't be able to relate to the bipolar part. if the whole poem was about bipolar specifically, you would need that word to be there. It's okay for it all to be about that too. Your choice. I just think it would resonate with more people if it were a tad bit more generalized or was about one child specifically. But then, that is only being really nitpicky and only useful if you planned to get it published. Other than this, maybe line breaks could be at different points here and there to make more impact.
I still think it is wonderful as is because it came from your heart.

On second and third reading, I liked the stanza about watching them make bad choices which could include ANY disorder that relates to psychological issues. Maybe making it generalized only as far as any of these issues but not general to include all disabililties would be better.

From a content point of view, I loved the last two stanzas because they gave a twist to the tone of the rest of the piece and gave hope. Its like you have given us a window of a tiny instant when things turned around for you. Those little glimmers of hope are not thought big enough to publicize or make known to the world so sometimes we don't realize they are worth mentioning and we lose the record of them and those who read it would lose the experience of knowing what one looked like. Thank you for sharing a window to your soul.


Brandy




SWPoet
59
59
Review of Goddess  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

sir_sebatian,

This is a great poem. Just some suggestions so that people will recognize it as poetry (although it is what it is). Take this as only a suggestion-then have fun playing with it. There is no right or wrong here in what you say or where you break the lines, only ways you can make it where the reader gets the most out of it and can read it without awkward spots (not knowing where to take a breath, for instance. I just cut and pasted your work on Word and then hit enter when I thought it would read smoothly. What do you think?


As you dance
in the ball of my soul,
even the wretched kings
turn their heads.
You hear the echoes
not of footsteps
but of jaws dropping.
Your beauty is so pure,
yet wicked to the mind.
You are a Goddess,
a goddess of the night
seeking to quench your thirst
not of the man,
but of the soul;
draining every drop
of innocence from my being.
Wanting to only brush my fingertips
upon your skin, just gaze
upon your beauty,
being just a man
I do not deserve
such pleasures...but watching you,
I lose my power, only to focus
on you, your body
gliding in the darkness,
my mouth waters
with delight. Your eyes of a jewel
seek into my soul,
ripping out the very thing
I've been hiding for so long,
breaking the chains
that bound me to this
eerie silence. You alone
are the very seed
I have planted
in the pits of my soul.
I am yours.
Do as you will.



I didn't change but perhaps one word ("it" in the phrase "You alone are the very seed I have planted it" should be "in"
Otherwise, I just pushed Enter when I came to a natural break or breath. In a few places, I put a period and started a new "sentence." Otherwise, its all yours. This is actually a good way you wrote it so that you could check your sentence structure and commas/periods. I advocate taking a poem written in customary poetic format (ie not going all the way to the end of the page before the page break) and making it into a paragraph so you can make sure you don’t have ten prepositional phrases in a row without a period. My personal view of punctuation in poetry is this: Punctuation isn’t required but if you do it, it needs to be right or make sense and it needs to be use throughout, not just occasionally. If it has sentence structure with a verb, a subject and some prepositional phrases, you sort of need the punctuation to help folks know where to breathe. The alternative is to break the lines at each breathing point (where a comma or period should be) to tell folks when to breathe. The advantage to punctuation is that you can end one “sentence” put a period and then start a new one on the same line and it makes a strong impact such as this line:

with delight. Your eyes of a jewel


Without punctuation, it would have to be like this:

with delight.
Your eyes of a jewel


It’s fine either way but this gives you some choices.

As for your words and emotion, I think it is wonderful. I love the last sentence too,
“Do as you will,” although I don’t think you need a semicolon before it. Just my opinion though.

Content 5
Construction 4
Overall 4.5

Great job!!!
SWPoet
60
60
Review of Letting Go  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
The time I spend with you until you are gone
is slipping quickly through my fingers.
I try so hard to hold on tight to you,
but you are growing up and away from me.

I can only pray that you will come back to me,
that one day I will see the daughter I once knew—
not identical , for you will become your own person.
I do pray that part of me will remain with you always.



Great job! I think the only part that is a tad confusing gramatically is the "-not identical" part with the last line too. I get what you are saying but maybe a period after "knew".

This is what I think you are saying:

I can only pray that you will come back to me,
You won't be the same, I know, you are your own person
But I pray the you will keep the laughter in your eyes,
and that you never forget a part of you will remain with me always.


I don't want to rewrite this for you as I liked it as is. I was trying to think of a way to fix that one part and keep the meaning intact but I'm not sure I did what I meant to do. I just hate to give comments about changing something without trying to see if my suggestions work. I ended up changing the meaning after all. If I can't find a way to fix, maybe it wasn't broke to start with.

Great job overall and so sweet. I understand what you are saying too, you yearn for the sweet cuddly days when they thought you hung the moon but you know you will settle for a time when she spurts out things you told her when she was a kid and now she's saying these things to her kids or her attitude about life reflects what you have learned recently through wdc about staving off depression and perhaps some of that has rubbed off on her(the staving off, not the depression). She will see you choose writing instead of despair and she can't help but be affected in a good way from this change in your own outlook, even I've been affected by watching your personality come out on wdc. Its been fun watching you grow and even more fun watching you beat my pants off with your number and prefered author status. I am proud of introducing you to this community and feel absolutely no hard feelings, only a silly smirk thinking how the state is losing money on this wonderful addiction of ours and I have a partner in crime now. LOL. Take care, did great on all four of the poems. Keep that muse goin! Treat her to a big hug and some time to yourself to create (pad of paper and pen in the tub works too, you know) and she will keep up the inspiration.

Brandy
61
61
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I thought this was about your son but the more I read it, the more I could see so many other scenarios. For instance, a couple trying to get pregnant with all the meds and procedures. A couple dealing with cancer of one of the partners-a relapse perhaps. A partner trying to go it sober "again" . They now know there's a genetic component but still, the other half of the couple is wondering if there is enough faith to get them through recovery yet again. A kid trying again at school after learning they had a learning disability but already heading down the wrong path. Now that everyone knows there was a reason for his problems, can he turn things around? This has definite appeal as a universal questioning poem. Sometimes knowing the name of the problem does help with the guilt or feelings about the past but we all know medicine alone without strength to really work on things really isn't the cure it's thought to be. It takes getting in there and pushing on, with meds or intervention and faith that things can be different this time.

In the poetry Journey class we are about to start, I think this would be a good example of Dan's philosophy of "Multivalence". Great job. This was by far the best of the four for how it said one thing but yet so much more. Knowing you as I do, I see it was probably about your son but so many others could see it different ways and still get so much out of it. Its like you left a blank for others to insert their names. Great poetry does that. You and your muse have been working overtime and its working. Keep up the great work!!!!!

Brandy
62
62
Review of I Am  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am the great I am. Isn't that what is said. I love how you put this. At first I thought you were talking about you and couldn't disagree and then I got to the end. The whole idea of the fact that He is what is good in mankind and then your use of Heavenly "Father" rather than God. I think it was a good choice b/c Father seems more smooth and familiar where we tend to view "God" as being more of a disciplinarian or that which controls the good and bad. What a philosophical discussion that could come out of this. I saw nothing wrong with pacing or line breaks. Great job.

Brandy
63
63
Review of This Is Me  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
In this case, content ranks far more important than form. My only suggestion is to divide the lines where the next line comes at a natural break in your words. For some reason stopping it on the first line Before, not after "of" sounds better (or have the second line read "this world of depression" and drop anxiety only so as not to have too long of a second line. Usually, breaking in the middle of the prepositional phrase is awkward b/c we rush through them "over the river, through the woods vs
over
the river and through
the woods.

I am ready to conquer this world of
depression and anxiety.
One day, one step at a time
will take me into the light.

In the following stanza, I think I would just put "out" on the end of the 3rd line. If you have too long of a line on each stanza, don't worry about just turning 4 into 5 lines on each stanza so you can throw in "anxiety" also.

Darkness will no longer be my god.
Worshipping pain is a thing of the past.
Focusing on the light will draw me
out and rescue me from the solitude.

These are merely housekeeping ideas and have no bearing on what you said, which I thought was wonderfully honest, inspiring and "warriormomish". Saying your poem out loud and hitting "Enter" each time you want to breathe will give you an idea of where to end your lines. Also, you can have a short one with one or two words that really give a punch. Don't be afraid of lengthening it to add punch. For instance

Darkness
will no longer
be my god.
Worshipping
pain is a thing
of the past.
Focusing on the light
will draw me out
and rescue me
from the solitude.

or

Darkness will no longer
be my god. Worshipping (Notice god next to worshipping)
pain is a thing of the past.
Focusing on the light
will draw me out
and rescue me (Powerful verb)
from the solitude. (loneliness seems more depressing than solitude but solitude is more poetic)



Well, hope some of this helps. Other than "of" in the stanza on top and "out" on the next one, the rest is fine without messing with it any further. Those two spots just forced breath where it was awkward. Great job on the whole thing though. You know I'm just trying to give you some ideas but I love what you said here.

Keep on listening to the muse.

Brandy
64
64
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Wow, there you go again. I love it. Shame this guy couldn't read it. But then, it's his problem he will have to answer to much later and you will enter the ever after with more strength and resilience because of it.

The poem itself, I have no real suggestions here. Since there isn't a rhyme scheme, there's no break in the rhyme. It's more like a letter in poetry form and it does the trick. If you can wow em with emotion, you don't have to decorate the page with pretty pictures and fancy writing. If you have nothing to say, it better entertain the eyes. That's just my philosophy on poetry.

I'm enjoying seeing the poet in you sneak out. Ever heard of someone say that everyone can sing but some do better in one octave and some in another. Same with art - some are good at tiny details, some with abstract but everyone can put crayon to paper. If they do it anyway, and enjoy the process, they get something positive out of it. If they do abstract and they expect a detailed masterpiece out of themselves, they will be disappointed in themselves and will likely quit. But, if they realize they are just an abstract type artist and "bloom where they are planted", they will build their skills and excell in what they personally are best at doing. it's all in the confidence level and what you expect of yourself. I can see you are starting to believe you are a poet. That's so cool. You probably grew up thinking it had to rhyme or look like EmilyDickenson wrote it but now you see ( I think) that you have your own story to tell and however you put it on paper – there is no wrong or right-just truth (honest emotion, not necessarily only non-fiction). You can change the facts but if the emotion is genuine, people will know it and not only will they appreciate your poetry but healing can sometimes come to one reader from what you wrote and that effect ripples to others that person touches. Be a pebble! Write a Poem! Make Waves! (I think I will get a bumper sticker and write this on it. My new mantra. LOL)

Catch ya later. thanks for telling me about Rising stars. Loved the poem. Great job.
Bran
65
65
Review of Shroud  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, girl. Tell that muse to keep it up. Frankly, I have no suggestions for corrections. Sorry not to be so much help but wow, I realy like it. It sort of shocked me at the end but it was a good message, I think. I like the funeral dirge, Wow, again. It's that good. Seriously. Love it all girl. THe big 5.0 for you this time.

Keep up the great work.

Brandy
66
66
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nikki,

I was going to give this a 4.5 b/c we could always use a little suggestion or two to make our work better. On the other, I can't think of anything you really could have changed. Perhaps naming a few obscure and vivid colors while painting, and I'd love to know how he got the bike back and what the reasoning was for swapping it in the first place. Then again, that wasn't the point. I was waiting for the magnolia to be cut and the rings from that to be the basis for the metaphor, so I was relieved when it was the painting, not the tree, that demonstrated the metaphor of our interconnected life. Well, I still can't really find fault so I won't. Thank you so much for the lesson in life and how we fit in our world. Great job.

SWPoet

Reviewed for the NAI Group
67
67
Review of Carnage  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Pat,
Don't let this scare you but I was doing this so it would be easier for me to suggest or applaud and for you to see where I was coming from.


Time

Time slithers effortlessly along, (Love the word slithers, though you used it later also-But sInce its in the first and last stanzas it shows closure)
mauling victims (mauling is also powerful imagery - great)
and leaving them in its wake.

Trust and blind faith are mutilated--(wow, what strong word-good!)
devolving into (devolving was a little confusing-I guess its right though)
truth, cynicism, and despair. (I thought truth was good, somehow suspicion sounds more appropriate maybe, more negative)

Innocence and naïveté give way (Some earlier than others unfortunately)
to lesser virtues,
bringing with them guilt and remorse.

Strong, agile bodies succumb (powerful imagery - "Succumb"
to Time’s wicked march,
giving way to weak, uncooperative joints. (Good line breaks in this stanza and I laughed at the joints, so true, so true)

Flawless beauty is forced
to relinquish (I wanted to breathe after "itself" instead of before it) (or put Flawless beauty/ is reliquished/to wrinkles and age spots)
itself to wrinkles and age spots.

Still, Time creeps onward, (You make time personified with the capital-good)
continuing its (I want to take a breath after journey, not before-wouldn't hurt meaning to break the line after journey or even after thievery)
journey of thievery until the end. (I like the imagery of a thief -it does feel that way)

It laughs at our infirmities, (for some reason, I love seeing the word "laugh" in poems, even if we are being laughed at.)
victorious in its quest (I like "victorious" here)
to leave us with nothing-- (love this stanza -Might use one - rather than two though)

Or so it thinks. (comma makes more sense)
For wisdom and understanding (if comma above, lowercase "for")
are there for the taking

as time slithers effortlessly along, (I like the slithers with s's in effortlessly)
forever changing those in its path, (Needs to be a period)

________________
For some reason, I wanted three lines in the last stanza , maybe with a line break after "slithers" but your choice here. I've done it both ways also but usually from four lines to two so its still a pattern of sorts.

Overall, great job on the imagery. Time sounds like a sneaky little forked tongue beast. But you are right, he may be sneaky but he leaves wisdom in his tracks. I'd rather have wisdom than a pretty face, though I'd like a little balance there if possible (ie not too extreme either way).
I enjoyed you poem. Sorry I took so long. I printed it out friday and failed to get back on the computer to email you back. Shame on me. It was really good.

Brandy
68
68
Review of Lani's Blog  
for entry "Humans vs Robots" 
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wonderful use of examples and I loved the conclusion and the discussion about emotions. My dad was a big Trekkie (sp?) and he also wouldn't know an emotion if it hit him upside the head. However, he is trying and I see that. thanks for sparking what I could write. i was having trouble deciding.
You are right though, about all the emotional upheaval after the emotionless 50's (when my dad was young) when no one admitted emotion and everyone strived to be the Cleavers (or Maybury at least). Well, I will save it for my journal but thanks for sharing. This was a great entry and you made some excellent points.

SWPoet
69
69
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jaye P.,

Awww. Poor kid. I'm glad I didn't read this last week. I was about to send my 7 yo to my mother in laws where he hasn't stayed alone since he was almost 5. She hates whining and fusses at him if he whines or cries (his feelings get hurt easily and then he cant stop crying easily when he starts). Anyway, we were letting him go b/c my hubby fussed at her for not coming down to see him in so long just to spend time with him. then when she offered, we sort of had to. Anyway, he was moping and worried b/c she is just kind of wrapped up in herself and not very warm and fuzzy with kids. He stayed from Thanksgiving to Saturday and loved it. Wanted to stay. It was good for him to see she isn't always "mean". The difference here is that we know she can be the other way too. We told him that he knows she can be like that and she does that to everyone so he needs to just remember its not just him, just try to keep from whining. I had to prepare him a little.

In this story, I was sad that either the mother forgot to mention Aunt jane was a b word (okay, that was mean but you get my point) or even worse, she didn't know this woman hated kids. My mom had a friend that was like that-even had a mean little yip yap of a long haired chihuahua named FiFi (growled at me all the time) and I'd have to stay there some if she had to work late. She even was a special ed teacher before law school. Imagine that. But she was always talking down to kids, me in particular. But, if she ever complimented me, I knew (and mom did too) that I must have really been good to get a compliment. Since becoming an adult, she's fine and she loves the grandkids but she was just posturing I think just to establish that she was not one to take advantage of. My only suggestion here if it is more than just a contest piece you have no intention of working with again is to make it longer. I would love more about Aunt Jean and maybe a little vulnerability to go with the harshness. Although, this is the kids viewpoint so I get that this woman isn't coming across very nice. In fact, I did like how you had her probably acting nice while the kid's mom is on the porch and then the minute they drive away, she becomes auntie dearest (ie. Mommy Dearest). You also had her pegged with the way she talked bad about the child's mother the minute the woman drove off. I work with folks all the time, relatives keeping a child rather than having them go to foster care. They act nice to us but the kids say to me in private at school that these relatives are horrible to them. then they're all sweet to me or put on an act. If the kids accuse them of something, they make the kids out to be little demons to throw out a smokescreen and divert our attention from them to the kids.

Putting some more about how this woman treated the kid or perhaps have the mom explain to the child, "I know she can be harsh but she went through alot as a child having to care for her younger sibs instead of getting to finish high school, yada, yada" Just a thought, of course. If you wish to keep it at the amt of words it already is, I think the ending was a good surprise one. I didn't expect the woman to be mean and perhaps it would give too much away by having the mom talk to her. I don't do so well in short stories and novels b/c I tend to info dump too early so you may not want to take my advice. What I said about that client is true and is what the boys who are in 4th, 8th and 9th grades say to me along with the lady doing other harsh behavior b/c she is just really "old school" and "spare the rod, etc" as well as being strict in fear that if she isn't , they will take advantage of her. In reality, her harshness leaves them fearing very little b/c they know she doesn't care about them. All this is to show you can develop this character in some interesting ways if you wanted to.

By the way, this lady did not know she had the youngest nephew and had rarely seen the older two but after two relatives fell through, they were called from another county as the only other option. Here she is finally having raised her kids, married to an old carmudgeon about 70ish and nearing retirement and then her crazy neices three boys (she only raised girls) shows up at her doorstep (ages b/w 5 and 11) and her family guilts her into keeping them b/c it's foster care and splitting them up otherwise. IE Bitter old woman, imposed upon, and hateful to the kids, resentful that she is having to do this, and has some old views of childrearing but not a lot of love to offer.

Here you get a combination for a pretty rough childhood and a very interesting and bitter "bad guy" character. See what I mean by dynamic in that she is a real B word but also you can see why she is and you wonder what you would do in that instance. Its all the sudden harder to be judgemental.

Sorry so long. I seem to be longwinded tonight. I liked the story and had all kinds of memories of work and childhood coming to mind as I read it. For that, I think this is a really good piece b/c we all remember being around a relative or family friend who was less than happy to see us as rugrats come into their orderly home and get anywhere near the breakables. Keep up the great work!

I have thoroughly enjoyed your writing and thank you for bidding. You helped the group with your bid and I got to read some great short stories and maybe break some of my reluctance to review them. Poetry remains my stronger of the writing categories but I have wanted to do more short stories to get the experience. Thanks for being a great teacher in this art of short stories.

I want to think really hard about which MB so I will email you soon with that. I don't like to give them randomly but rather to really think about what it is that is special about what you write (so it will mean more). You truly earned one, not just b/c you bid. ONe will be on your way soon.

Review 5 of 5 bid on from the NAI Auction.
Thanks again,
SWPoet (Brandy)

I would totally understand, though, if this was just a contest entry and not really something you were planning to elaborate on.
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Review of Uninvited Guests  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
JP
I loved how the mother reacted. I would like to think my son would come to me with something like that as I am pretty open but I admire how you handled it with the mom. I assume you had a word limit but i would be curious to see what you could find in the library like for the mother to actually help him find out who they were. However, you don't want to scare him even more or give him way too much info. It this case, using the
"go into the light" statement that would otherwise seem sort of trite is actually probably the best way to teach the child to get rid of the ghosts, a way he can remember. ANyway, I really don't have complaints about the story other than, now that it isn't for a contest anymore, I'd love to see more written. I love this stuff - (Ghost Whisperer is one of my favorites).

Was this you or your family who had this experience? My mother in law lives in home that was built just after the Civil War and is rumored (by my brother in law and the rest of the family) to enhabit the woman who lived in the home and who died shortly after the home was sold to my mother in law (my husband was very young then). It has been in their family since then. However, Ms. Hoff apparently will allow her perfume to be smelled at certain times and my husband's exwife (who was not a positive being at all) refused to spend the night there after something only she knows what happened but having to do with the house being haunted. I personally have stayed there numerous times, by myself and with my family and have never sensed a time when she made her presence known. I guess maybe she likes me??? Anyway, I know things have been moved and noise were heard some as well as the perfume. Nothing spooky, seems to be a friendly caring presence who is closely bonded to the house. I kinda wish she would make herself known to me, I'm probably the only one not in the immediate family to whom this would not freak out. Oh, well.

Thanks for sharing this though. I did enjoy it. Keep up the terrific work.

Brandy

This is the 4th of 5 reviews for the NAI Auction.
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Review of Hidden Talent  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like it. I have been in thrift stores and antique stores and, I guess after watching Ghost Whisperer, I often wonder what kind of history or "emotions" are connected or imprinted into objects. You have a short glimpse at a moment and a good sense of pulling out the details naturally. It is a bit ironic that the folks at the party just happened to be with the police but hey, who knows, maybe that is why the woman seems to be showing up-she knows Margie is with people that might solve her murder.

I don't review short stories often but I did enjoy this and it seemed to be over too soon. (not a bad thing, just saying I didn't labor over it, it just flowed well and easily so I didn't have to go back and check previous facts I'd missed. Sort of funny at the end too. I'm curious at what the prompt is for this story if there was one.

Great story and thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.



Take care,
Brandy

Item 2 of 5 for the NAI Auction winning bid.

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Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I hope they caught the goofs who set it up. Poor ole granny. I really got engaged in the story. Though I was waiting for her to spend the money at Disney World and find out it was counterfeit. Great story.

I can't really picture granny so that is the only area I think could be elaborated on, although being her point of view, it might have been tricky. You could sneak in a description or two when the two pot dealers are talking about her as a mark. I also wondered if she imagined what was in the trunk and what she might think it was (like someone trafficking knock off name brand shoes or handbags (oh, that was on Sex and the City) or if she thought "laundering" was really laundry. It could be an entertaining bit to put in the story. She may be naive but she's not stupid. If she were, we wouldn't identify with her so much and I did identify.

I can buy that she might have no idea to even suspect drugs, though. My grandmother once saw a picture of a marijuana plant and thought it was pretty. She wanted to clip it out of the book and take it to the garden shop to see if they had any. Good grief. She is now almost 80 yrs old and quite active for her age. Not much into gambling b/c it would take money away from buying shoes but still, she is pretty naive. My great grandmother (her mother) thought that if she still had checks she had money in the bank (though I still think she said that just to get a rise out of my grandmother.

Anyway, all this about my family is just to say that you have a very credible character. Just would like to see a little more personal or descriptive info so we feel shocked when she gets caught. She was so tongue in cheek at the end, I almost laughed visualizing this old lady taking cigarettes on wagers in the pokey as a substitute for the thrill of gambling (stay tuned for Part 2. Granny, Get your Dice!).

I have enjoyed reading this. I mostly do poetry so I'm not quite as used to critiquing stories. I hope this one was worth the donation. I tried to give a few suggestions but other than what I mentioned, I really liked it. Funny, but also with a moral to the story. Great job.

SWPoet
Reviewed for winning bidder on the NAI Auction
p.s.-I'm sending you back your points. you already paid for the reviews as I see it.


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Review of No Boundaries  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Turtlemoon,
I am reviewing for NAI.

I love the message here. It brings us apart and then back together. It's like having a problem and setting out for a long walk to clear the mind. When you return, you have perspective and the problem isn't so big anymore.

My favorite parts are where you personify the night (stubling and forgetting its step)

I once thought the moonshine was a dance floor,
and the waltz would always be our light.
Then the night stumbled and forgot its step.

One spot that I found awkward was the repeat of the word heart, although I get the meaning (maybe
try "up from the abyss of my quiet heart's resounding beat or quiet soul's resounding heart ?)

When I realized Time is what it always was,
up from the abyss of my quiet heart's resounding heart,
I heard a voice. Your whisper resonated what I had forgotten;


I also love the two indented stanza's before the very end and how they become positive and hopeful.
Great message and really makes one think about distance and the time that we construct vs. nature's time. Next to the time it took to make a mountain, what's a few weeks or months of separation.

Terrific. Thank you for sharing that.

SWPoet for NAI Group
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Review of Perfection  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, that is wonderful. Really makes you think. Remember Ozzie and Harriet, lol, or Mommy Dearest. Gives me the willies and we are always fooled by this too. Oh, they are smart, wealthy, the house is clean. Did we ever wonder, with three little kids running around, WHY the house is still imaculate. (I do but that's another story, I am a clutter bug). Anyway, it does make you wonder about this.

Sometimes those with the best and the most perfect have the most to lose if they don't keep up appearances. You have hit the nail on the head. \

Some ideas (not even suggestions-it was great) for flow or imagery:

My yard would make a fine magazine picture.

(What about: My yard would make the cover of Southern Living or Martha Stewart, etc.). It gives us something to picture and is more specific than "magazine picture". Even "magazine cover" would bring pictures of Better homes and gardens or Martha Stewart (after all, who gets more jives about being so dadgome perfect and she spent almost a year in jail. Some perfection, huh?)


Honestly, I had no other suggestions. i could see in my minds eye, the doilies, the sanitized countertops, etc (they all reside in my father in law's house where even the pantry has all the fronts of the cans facing the front and that is one screwed up old man, I'll tell ya.

Thanks for this poem and for letting me know about it. I went through your port the other day to see what new ones you had done and completely missed this one. I'm glad you sent me a link.

Take care and again, thanks so much for giving Ralene my name to receive reviews. I made some really good changes on several she reviewed, some of which I thought I was already happy with. No room for complacency here. lol.

Brandy

PS, anytime you do a new one, send me a link. i'd love to read them. Thanks.
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Review of A Wise Lesson  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
LOL. That's great. I loved it. Sounds like our fathers with ten kids. Spend all their lives paying child support or running from the likes of you child support workers. They'd done better marrying several women and giving them cards not sperm. kwim. Great job on the poem. You really got me laughing.

On to the poem itself, the only area that tripped me up a little in the flow was this:

The moral of this sorrowful tale
is to marry but ONE wife,
or you'll spend your money paying off
credit cards all your miserable life!

Maybe instead,

The moral of this sorrowful tale
is to marry no more than ONE wife,
or you'll spend all your money on credit card bills
for the rest of your miserable life!

Sound better? there's no real rule except that if it sounds like you need a few more sylables to make it flow better, you probably do. Otherwise, I absolutely love it.

Great job.

Brandy




Brandy
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