I have just read "Depression" and would like to share my thoughts. I admit, I am no expert on poetry, so use what works and discard the rest. But what ever you do, KEEP WRITING!
Rhythm and Flow:
I personally believe you did well on the rhythm and flow of this poem. Even with free verse poetry, there needs to be good flow and rhythm, and as I read this out loud to myself, I could feel the flow and rhythm and it seemed smooth to me.
Adherence to Style/Form:
This was a free verse poem, so there really aren't a whole lot of rules that you must adhere to. It's one reason why I love free verse - I don't have to count syllables or meter! I don't have to adhere to length of the lines or keeping my sentences short.
Ability to Relate:
I was able to relate to the emotions and experiences you share in this poem, as I also deal with depression. I was also able to relate to the fact that those around us don't always understand what's going on with us, wanting to attribute it to laziness rather than an actual illness, which is what it is.
Word Usage:
"Love ones tell you to get up"
I believe that this was just a simple typo, but I would rather bring it to your attention rather than let it slide and an editor or publisher find it.
"The person you see in
In the mirror doesn’t resemble you."
Is there a reason you used the word, "in" twice here? I had to read it a couple of times before I realized why it wasn't making sense. Other than this, I believe your word usage is right on track. It paints a bold picture of what it's like to suffer from depression and how difficult it is for others to understand what's going on with us, as if we can help it. Well done.
Final Thoughts:
Thank you for being willing to share your pain. It's not an easy thing to do, and you did it very well in this poem. I could feel the hurt of depression and misunderstanding as I read. Good job!
I have just read "Wild Anxiety" and would like to share my thoughts. I admit, I am no expert on poetry, so use what works and discard the rest. But what ever you do, KEEP WRITING!
Rhythm and Flow:
You really did very well in your meter, keeping each line 10 syllables. Wonderful job in this. However, in reading it out loud to myself, even though the syllable count was correct, the rhythm seemed just a bit off. I'm not sure if this was just me and the way I was reading it. Try reading this out loud to yourself and see if you hear the same thing I heard when I read it.
Adherence to Style/Form:
You really did well in adhering to the style and the form of a sonnet - 10 syllables per line. You followed the correct form of abab, cdcd,efef,gg. I don't know if I would have been able to do that and still get my emotions onto the page where people could feel what I was feeling.
Ability to Relate:
I could relate to the emotions and thoughts that flowed through this poem. I have been there, done that. "Taming" anxiety is definitely no easy task. In that aspect, you did well.
Word Usage:
Your word usage worked well. I could understand the point you were trying to make about how anxiety affects a person. The words and phrases you used were words that most of us would understand and can relate to.
Final Thoughts:
For a first time, I believe you did quite well. It's not easy to write a poem about such a personal topic and keep it within the laws of forms such as a sonnet. My favorite part was:
"I have only myself to share my blame
until my wild anxiety is tame."
That says so much right there - but it also shows just how personal this poem is to you. Please keep sharing with us your personal insights into the world around you!
I have just read {item:} and would like to share my thoughts. I admit, I am no expert on poetry, so use what works and discard the rest. But what ever you do, KEEP WRITING!
Rhythm and Flow:
The rhythm and flow of this poem worked out really well. It was easy to read and follow.
Adherence to Style/Form:
You stated in your description that this is a Sonnet. While I am no expert, I believe you did well in adhering to the principles of a Sonnet in form and syllables per line. Well done!
Ability to Relate:
I was able to relate to this poem in the fact that you talk about loving and getting hurt, as well as loving and it being wonderful. Great job in portraying the feelings in this poem.
Word Usage:
The only question as far as word usage I had was in the 3rd stanza...2nd line, I wasn't sure if you meant the word "manta" or if you meant "manna." I had to read this line twice to understand what you meant.
Final Thoughts:
I believe this poem was done very well, and you really portrayed feelings with your words. Great job!
The emotion in this letter to your dad is so raw, I could feel it. It touched home for me because this was how I felt when my Daddy died...except his was extremely sudden...One second he was fine, the next he was gone. You did really well on this, and I have no suggestions for improvement - especially since this is such a personal way of dealing with loss. Very well written. Keep up the great writing!
Okay, this was interesting yet strange. I enjoyed reading this, although it did kind of make my stomach churn. You did well adhering to the contest guidelines, though. Rhythm, flow and rhyme seemed to work out pretty good. Keep up the great writing!
I love this image! It's beautiful and kinda eerie at the same time...Reminds me of a winter sunrise where the trees have no leaves! Keep up the beautiful work!!!
I just read your item, "Pride" and would like to share my humble thoughts with you Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest.
What I liked:
I love the way you describe what is going on - I could really picture the scene. And the fact that you chose something that for so long, people were afraid to even mention.
Suggestions:
Go through and double check your punctuation. In the paragraphs where Jerome and Marco are talking, there is an inconsistency with the quotation marks. Also, when you mention a successful practice bringing babies into the world, but the spelling on the word successful...I read successfully and I had to read it a couple of times to catch on. Also, a description of Marco and Jerome might help here.
Strengths:
Based on the prompt, you did very well in sticking with the instructions of the prompt. Your descriptions of the little old lady really painted a great picture. I could actually see her.
Overall Impression:
I enjoyed reading this because it wasn't just about someone waving around some sports memorabilia and flaunting their favorite team. Great job!
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
I just read your item, "Words" and would like to share my humble thoughts with you Please bear in mind these are just my thoughts. Use what works for you and discard the rest.
What I liked:
I really love the fact that your remind people that in a time of sorrow, words are just that...words, and that in that moment, they really don't help.
Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have for this piece is to double check your spacing between your paragraphs - it seems to me (and it could just be me) that there is more space between your first and second paragraphs than between the rest of the paragraphs.
Strengths:
You did well on explaining to people why their words usually don't help when we have the gaping hole of losing a loved one. The fact that you remind the reader that the pain will ease is encouraging. And your discussion of faith really works with this piece because in a time of loss, faith can sometimes be the one thing that gets us through.
Overall Impression:
My impression of this piece was that it was well-written and encouraging to those of us who have dealt with the loss of a loved one, yet you bring to the forefront the emptiness of words during times like this. Great job!
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
I enjoyed reading this poem. The rhythm and flow of this poem work really well. Your rhyme scheme works well with this poem. I could picture two sisters - running, riding horses, fighting valiantly....You painted a picture with your words. Well done. I have no suggestions for improvement on this. Keep up the great writing!
Okay, I understand this was written for a bad story contest. You definitely succeeded in that...Needs a lot of work to make it even close to interesting. But you know me, I gotta read what you write! I could, however, picture the scene. In that part, you did very well. Keep writing!
I love the sentimentality of this poem! I can see kids tackling Grandma with faces covered in chocolate, laughing and marking her face up with chocolate. Great job! The imagery, rhythm and flow of this poem work really well together. Keep up the wonderful writing!
Wow, Ken. What a beautiful, hauntingly sad tribute to Columbine High School. This brought back a lot for me - my cousin's fiance was one of the young men killed in that senseless tragedy. You really expressed the pain felt in this...and very well. Keep up the wonderful writing!
I really enjoyed reading this. I could actually hear it as if someone was singing this. It was a beautiful way to pay tribute to your mom. I saw no reason to change it - and I believe your mom would be really proud of the man you have become! Keep up the wonderful writing!
This was beautifully written. I could feel the pain in your words. I could see an image of a war-torn country or city. Rhythm, flow and rhyme all work together very well to paint an image with your words. Keep up the wonderful writing and I will keep reading!
I love the way you wrote this letter to yourself about 2017. You were honest. You made it clear that while 2017 wouldn't be perfect, it would be a good year. I love that! You sprinkled in comments to build your self esteem and made sure to include your writing goals, your personal goals, and a current summary of what is going on in your life. Great job. Keep up the great writing!
I just finished reading your item, "The World How It Seems" and would like to share the following humble thoughts.
What I liked:
An honest yet elegant way to describe the reactions of others when a Christian suffers from depression.
Suggestions:
I saw nothing that I could offer suggestions on...this was beautiful.
Strengths:
Your rhythm, flow and rhyme all work together to form a beautiful poem about how the world tends to look at those who suffer from depression - especially if we are Christians.
Weaknesses:
I did not see any weaknesses in this poem that need to be addressed.
Overall Impression:
This poem shows great insight into what it's like as a Christian to suffer from depression. As a person who falls into that category, it was easy for me to relate to the emotions of this poem. I really like the ending....and it's true...we are not alone, we are in the arms of God. Great job!!!
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
I just finished reading your item, "Letter from a Worried Wife" and would like to share the following humble thoughts.
What I liked:
I love the way this letter is clear and concise. You convey the emotion of being rejected.
Suggestions:
My only suggestion would be at the end of the letter, add an extra line to space between your last point and the final paragraph of the letter.
Strengths:
Your letter was well-written, albeit humorous at the idea of writing to the SMs regarding lowering the enticing nature of WDC. Your concerns were well-spoken and understandable. I really enjoyed reading this.
Weaknesses:
No obvious weaknesses noted.
Overall Impression:
I loved reading this - I believe many spouses of writers on WDC probably feel the same way....but hey, where would we be without WDC and SMs??
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
I think you did very well on this poem. Your words give feeling, and I love that.
I only have one suggestion...and it may just be the way I am reading this poem.
First stanza, last line....I think if you changed it to read:
"fragrant and oh so sweet."
I believe it will flow just a bit better and make this poem perfect. I am no expert, but when I read it aloud to myself, for some reason, my mind kept inserting the word "oh."
I just finished reading your item, "Coffee Shop" and would like to share the following humble thoughts.
What I liked:
This is a very well-written scene. The descriptions you provide make it easy for me to picture the scene and the daydreaming she is apparently doing.
Suggestions:
I would (and this may be just my personal preference,) like to see more description of the coffee shop she was in - was it a Starbucks? Or was it a little "mom-and-pop" shop with red vinyl chairs?
Strengths:
Your colors you chose to use to describe the coffee in her cup, the clouds in her mind are great. As well, I love your introduction of a world within a world. It truly fits this story. Paragraph spacing, punctuation, spelling and word usage all worked well together and did not distract from my reading of this.
Weaknesses:
Like I mentioned above, a description of the coffee shop she was in might help the reader transition from the clouds of her mind back into reality. Maybe even a description of her companion would help in this matter as well.
Overall Impression:
As a writer who often goes off into my own world when writing or looking for inspiration, I could truly relate to her being in her own world. And I like the fact that your character seems to be be looking for an answer to something. Great job on this! I really enjoyed it.
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
I just finished reading your item, "Emily's Steer" and would like to share the following humble thoughts.
What I liked:
I love the emotion in this story. I also love the way you describe what you started to wish for but then stopped - and gave the reasons why.
Suggestions:
My only suggestions would be to add descriptions of what Emily looked like. It's hard to picture the scene without knowing what she looked like.
Strengths:
There is raw emotion in this. I love the way you describe the relationship Emily had with Moses, and the relationship Moses had with the cats. It adds realism.
Weaknesses:
As I mentioned above, the only weakness I see is that there is no description of what Emily looked like.
Overall Impression:
This is a short story that is well-written with no grammatical, punctuation or spelling issues that take away from the story. There is raw emotion in this, as well as wisdom in the idea of the wishes. Great job!
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
I just finished reading your item, "Annie" and would like to share the following humble thoughts.
What I liked:
I like this story in the fact that it describes the panic a woman feels when she is frightened. Your descriptive words make it easier to picture things you mention in the story.
Suggestions:
Go through and re-read this. Double check your spelling. Also, try to find a way to tie in all of the topics together...Annie liking to knit socks, but what does that have to do with the rest of the story? And some background into what was making Annie so panicked would go along way, as well ad the reason between such a strong bond between her and Buster.
Strengths:
Some of your descriptions were pretty good...blonde hair turning brown - I could picture that. You did well in showing Annie's fright and terror. Your paragraph spacing made it easy to read through.
Weaknesses:
I noticed that there was a difficulty flowing smoothly from one subject to another - one paragraph didn't lead into the next. This made it a difficult read and it was difficult to follow your line of thinking.
Overall Impression:
As this was a contest entry for a bad story, I must say that you did adhere to that very well. This has the potential to be an interesting story with a bit of work.
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
I just finished reading your item, "Children Raising Children" and would like to share the following humble thoughts.
What I liked:
The honesty of this story - the hardships seen through the eyes of a child born to teenage parents really got my interest up in this story. I love the fact that you mention the expectations set forth by Disney and Nickelodeon...and how those expectations were not what you experienced, due in part to the young age of your parents.
Suggestions:
My biggest suggestion would be to add an empty line between paragraphs to make it easier to read....it's easier on the eyes. Also, when using dialogue, it's easier for me to read it if it is separated into its own paragraph, along with facial expressions or actions that directly follow. See my example below:
"That's not true!" She yelled as she stormed away.
Strengths:
The greatest strength this piece has is the raw emotion behind what you have written...from the perspective of a child who was raised by parents who were too young when they had their children.
Weaknesses:
Again, paragraph spacing and separation of dialogue and actions/expressions that directly follow as I showed in the example above, would really help this as far as structure and flow.
Overall Impression:
I really enjoyed reading this from a different perspective. I, too, was a teenage parent. Now that I am older, I wish I had waited until I was in my mid-to-late twenties before having children, to give me the opportunity to grow up a bit more and be prepared a little better for parenthood. You really show from the child's perspective how young parents can sometimes influence their children by their immaturity...and even later on, how they can redeem themselves by pushing their children to be better people and parents..to make better choices than they did.
If you have any questions, please feel free to email me back! Thank you for sharing!
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