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220 Public Reviews Given
220 Total Reviews Given
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Asking questions that may help you develop and expand your story. Inconsistencies tend to jump out at me and I will point out any I see.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Irish Void  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
And it t'was a cryin' shame,
and us left with no one to blame.
I missed all the parties,
with most of me hearties.

No reveals with beer,
or toasts of good cheer.
No night of song,
just so plain wrong.

But the spirit lives on,
and before days are gone.
We'll raise up a toast,
to the ones we love most.

So be of of good cheer,
'cuz there's always next year.
With a lilt in our heart,
if we just do our part.

I thought your poem was a very thoughtful expression of what we are all feeling right now about almost everything. Thank You for sharing it with us and COngratulations on your Writer's Cramp Win!


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52
52
Review of I See You  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, that was not the twist I expected! But then that must have been the plan all along I suppose.

Gonna' get myself in a bit of trouble here. I think this plot would only have worked with your female character, a guy might have said; "Cool! Look at that, I make to 108, let's go get some beers and go cliff diving!"

Or we would have just smashed the mirror...

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53
53
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A delightful take on Frosty the Snowman for warmer climes! I loved it!

Your little characters were wonderfully drawn, and really quite believable. I loved Little Joey's whistle, (Did he SEE Mommy kissing Santa Clause? This line, ""You lost your hat and wasn't alive anymore," said Hanna in her sweet little voice. Sandy looked at her and started to laugh.", my mind wants to correct Hannah's use of wasn't to weren't!

A few comments if I may?

"some of the" - you used this phrase twice, not that I have a real problem with it, but this was a word count restricted story for a contest and you could have cut "of the" without losing meaning.

"Let's play for a while[COMMA] so I can feel the sun on my face."

Maybe a comma between while and so?

As I said I loved your character development and scene setting, but there are a few words that "Tell Me" rather than "Show Me", Again, I know there was a word restriction, but if you are looking for edit revision points check out where you used these words - "see, watched, noticed and get". They are a great place to start.

One of my personal failings is over using "Filler" words, that is words that really add no meaning to the sentence. This is especially important in contest entries, where every word has to count. Words like - "just, that, very, then and even", don't always need to be there and editing them out clears the way for more descriptive words. Look at all the sentences with the word just for example;

"We just might be interviewing the next future President," she laughed. Jeff nodded in agreement."

They work just as well without "just"!

A minor plot comment;

If Jackie was a Newbie reporter, she most likely Would Not have had an assigned cameraman, one would have been chosen from the "pool" and sent out with her.

I loved this story, and will be reading it next Christmas, with your permission, to my distant California cousins (several times removed) Thank You for sharing!

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54
54
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello and Congratulations on your WdC Anniversary!

I just finished reading your story and enjoyed it very much.

The settings and characters were very well described and developed, with rich and "showing" language.

I do have a few comments and questions;

In this sentnce;

Relief took Branston and he looked to the treeline to see the archer walking towards him. The man held his bow at his side, and didn't look like he intended to use it.

It reads a bit awkwardly to me, perhaps?

Relief took Branston[,] [and] he looked to the treeline to see the archer walking towards him. The man held his bow at his side, and didn't look like he intended to use it.

In a few places you start successive sentence with - He;

He thought the man was saving him!

He spun and took off running in the opposite direction, the cold wind stinging at his eyes and his cut. He ducked under a low branch as he disappeared into the treeline.

Perhaps?

He thought the man was saving him!

He [Branston} spun and took off running in the opposite direction, the cold wind stinging at his eyes and his cut. He Ducking under a low branch[,] as he disappeared into the treeline.

"bootprints" might be two words?

Something I struggle with, that you don't apparently is "filler" words, beware of; "just, that, seem, then and very" among others. Very often they aren't needed to convey meaning in a sentence and just slow the pace of the story. They are also a great way to get down to word counts in contests if you need to.

A bit about "showing vs. telling";

I think you did a great job showing me your story, but if you want to beef it up look for places you've used these telling words; "hear, heard, feel, see and get. If you can rework those passage to show me what those words told me, your story will get even stronger.

Thank You for sharing your story, I hope you don't mind if I come back later and read the rest!

As always this review was meant to be constructive and helpful, please use what works for you and disregard the rest. And again, Happy Anniversary!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


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55
55
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello and Happy WdC Anniversary! I was poking around in your port reading and I found this little gem of a story!

I always love personification of inanimate objects and the stories they have to tell. You did a masterful job here, using a clock to tell us about a bygone era.

Your character, the clock tells a well developed story. The descriptions are rich.

I was a bit jolted by this line: My, I am a Travel Clock, man!

A couple of things made me stumble;

First, to me at least, it seems like it belongs with the previous paragraph, it really isn't an independent thought.

I was also jolted by the language, it seems the clock is speaking, which is fine, I liked that. But the clock spoke with a very modern voice, rather than the more archaic voice I expected. I would have expected something more like - "My word man, I am a Travel Clock!". I could see it being separated if it were in quotes.

These lines are missing spaces between the sentences;

It is so peaceful.[space]Just a faint,
The coachman harnessed two chestnut nags and came up to check me.[space]Time to start another journey!

Are these British spellings of the words?

The rigour of uneven roads could not defeat my armour.

This sentence gave me pause also;

Everyone have such little mirrors with them and put[ting them to their ears before starting blabbing to themselves.

My mind wants to change have to has or carries. I'd edit out the "and" and replace it with "putting them".

Lastly; Dreams of rhythmic trot[s] invade my drowsy hours always.

Maybe endlessly to replace "always"?

Something I struggle with and am very conscience of is "filler words", there aren't many in your writing, (YAY!!) but I do want to mention the few I saw;

Just:

It is so peaceful. Just A faint, watery blue of breaking dawn filters...

Imagine, it took just a little under 16 hours only!!

Now this unhealthy -looking young man has just jerked open the hall door and shoved a gentleman of advanced years to a chair!

All of those sentence survive removing just, now in your case it's not a BIG deal. It is something to look out for though. Losing the extra "justs" speeds up the pace and readability, and it's the first place to look if you need to trim for word counts

This was a great little story. Thank You For sharing it! As always these are just my opinions, feel free to take what works and disregard the rest!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


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56
56
Review of Darwin's Choice  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I found your short story by clicking on Read and Review. I enjoyed it very much.

The two main characters are well developed considering the word constraints imposed by it being a contest entry. Your description of the scene and settings is excellent. I could feel, hear and enjoy the first real days of Spring. Of course I think the most important character was Darwin!

I very much appreciated the metaphorical foreshadowing you used in the story, using the change of seasons to herald a change in Sara's status was brilliant.

A few mechanical comments;

snizzled I really like this word for describing Darwin's nosy actions. So much so that I Googled it to see if you had created it. Apparently snizzle is a combination of snow and drizzle, so it still works for me. It also has other slang meanings, that I'm not going to mention.

There are some UK English spellings, which always trip me up, but that's my problem, not yours.

Something I'm working hard to avoid are "filler words", I'd like to share a bit of my quest to eliminate them with you. Avoiding them picks up the pace of your story and aids readability. A bonus is that by eliminating them, particularly in a contest setting, it forces you into better story SHOWING.

The words I'm talking about are then, seemed and that in this case, very often you can trim them out, speeding up he read and making more room for description and development.

For example;

By the time she turned to see what the noise was that was rumbling up to her [was], it was too late.
'
Saved two words, doesn't change your meaning. It also removes "was that was" which made me stumble slightly while reading.

She said to the dog, who seemed to pant[ed] a smile at her before sitting down to stare down at her.

Two more words in the bank for use elsewhere!

It was then that she heard footsteps running and a deep male voice calling out a name.
'
Or even; She heard footsteps running and a deep male voice calling out a name, "Darwin, get back here."

Fewer words...more showing.

Watch out for words like - felt, see, feel, heard and could.

Those and words like them tend to be "telling rather then showing" words.

Sara could feel herself responding and shedding off the darkness that had held her back over the past winter months.

Sara's smile grew as her mind shed the darkness that had held her back over the past winter months.

Of course, all of these comments are my opinion and you need to take only what you find helpful and disregard anything that doesn't work for you.

This was a great story, you have me hooked, I need to know what happens with Sara and Todd. But Especially Darwin...he's the hero here!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


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57
57
Review of Grocery Day  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was great! Thank You For Making Me Laugh!


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58
58
Review of Beautiful Lady  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and welcome to WdC!!

I just read your short story, "Beautiful Lady" and enjoyed it very much! I think your story has a great deal of potential and a great deal of room to grow.

At three hundred words, you can add quite a bit of "showing" that will make your tale more vivid and add to it's scary horror, and still be under the word count for most contests.

First a few mechanical things;

On the screen your text appears like this:

She lived in the house. Who, I didn't know. Not until she wrote her name in my mother's garden one night; Belladonna.
         I assumed it was the feral animals that uprooted my mother's rose bushes every night. I blamed the leaky pipes on bad plumbing. I told myself that the poorly spelled words in the dirt were drawn by the seven-year-old boy that lived next door. I ignored her presence, and it only made things worse.
         She breathed her name into my ear one afternoon. I was home alone, my mother at her office down the street, working. We had just moved into the house two weeks prior, and my mom dismissed my worries as a rustic charm that came with living in such an old home. She convinced me that there was nothing in the house that would threaten me. So, I let her in.

The lack of spacing between paragraphs makes it hard to read, it looks to me like it's a copy and paste artifact from whatever word processing app you use. It's always a good idea look at your post after you post it to see how it reads.

Space in-between paragraphs helps with readability:

She lived in the house. Who, I didn't know. Not until she wrote her name in my mother's garden one night; Belladonna.

I assumed it was the feral animals that uprooted my mother's rose bushes every night. I blamed the leaky pipes on bad plumbing. I told myself that the poorly spelled words in the dirt were drawn by the seven-year-old boy that lived next door. I ignored her presence, and it only made things worse.

She breathed her name into my ear one afternoon. I was home alone, my mother at her office down the street, working. We had just moved into the house two weeks prior, and my mom dismissed my worries as a rustic charm that came with living in such an old home. She convinced me that there was nothing in the house that would threaten me. So, I let her in.

If you are going to "indent" paragraphs this needs to be indented also:

She lived in the house. Who, I didn't know. Not until she wrote her name in my mother's garden one night; Belladonna.

Still on the same sentence: It's actually several sentence fragments.

Perhaps:

She lived in the house. Who, I didn't know[comma] not until she wrote her name in my mother's garden one night; Belladonna.

Still on that sentence. I love your personification of Belladonna, and the fact that you made a plant your protagonist.

One last comment regarding word usage; In your second paragraph you start three successive sentences with "I", while that's ok, avoiding reusing a word leads to stronger writing. Lastly, you also employ the word "that" quite a bit. Read you sentence back (I have to read them out loud) and see if you really need "that"

For example:

She convinced me that there was nothing in the house that would threaten me.

Your current wording requires the last that, but...

She convinced me there was nothing in the house threaten[ing] me.

This review is meant to be encouraging, your concept is wonderful, Please take whatever comments work for you and expand this great story. Find a contest and enter it, you might not win, but you'll learn a great deal.

Thanks for Sharing!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Let me first wish you a Very Happy Anniversary!

I liked this powerful story, really a metaphor for not allowing the adversities, hardships and the difficulties that life brings forth overwhelm or defeat you!

You shared a very potent message in a very economical and readable way. If you desire, you might want to add an "Authors Note", explaining Krishna's and Balarama's relationship. Both to each other and to the Faith they share and represent. I think it would enhance the readers experience greatly.

There are a couple of punctuation questions;

"I will go to sleep and you keep watching me.["]

Be sure to "close" your quotes, so that we know when your character stops speaking.

This line could be all one sentence;

One last attempt, the Monster screamed at Balarama, unable to take the might of the monster Balarama screamed

“Krishna” and he fainted.

One last attempt, the Monster screamed at Balarama, unable to take the might of the monster[comma] Balarama screamed[comma] “Krishna[comma]” and he fainted.

Since this is all about Balarama, his speech and reactions, there was no need to skip a line, and there is always a comma between "Speech," and action.

Krishna says – When you avoid what you must face in life, it becomes bigger than you and takes control over you.[*]

You used an asterisk at the end of this sentence, usually that means you intend to add information as a footnote. You left me wondering!

Again thank you for sharing this powerful message! Happy WdC Anniversary!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First, let me wish you a very Happy Anniversary!

This is an extremely interesting story, I really liked the concept of little Garth shifting in phase after his jolt.

You made perfect use of the understandings a four year might have for his world, the facts and ideas that colored his world are well within reason. The story asks us to suspend disbelief on only one key point, a key requirement of good Sci-Fi.

Even with the economical language restriction required by the contest form, the story was still full of rich, descriptive language. The characters were sufficiently developed for us to care about them.

There were a few punctuation items I noticed; (After reading the story several times)

“With a baa baa here, and a baa baaaAAAAA” - is missing a period.

Also he got hungry, might need a comma after Also?

Neither affected the readability of the story, and as I indicated above I only saw them after re-reading it several times.

I would love to have learned more of Gareth's life while he spent time to the left or even more so his return to "our" reality. Again Thanks for sharing this great story and Happy Anniversary!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First, let me congratulate you on your WdC Anniversary! Many, Many more to come!!

When I read this sonnet it evoked a bitter sweet feeling in me, I felt a certain amount of loss in it. There's a certain happy sadness to it.

I do have a few questions about words;

In this line - radiating beams so bright, I shuttered

Did the speaker "close up" or did the speaker shudder? Both could work in a way, but shuttered seems to be defensive to me, as if the speaker is trying to block out the radiating Love.

and in this line - Your seductive touch sat my senses free,

Is sat supposed to be set?

Bad limericks aside I am not a poet. Nor am I an expert on forms, reaching way back, if memory serves this is an example of a Shakespearian Sonnet and you held very true to the form!

Again, Congratulations on your Anniversary and Thank You for sharing your wonderful creations with us!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A cute little story, I enjoyed reading it. Several parts left me a bit puzzled, I'll touch on those later. First let me Congratulate you on your WdC Anniversary! Here's to many more!!

I liked the way you crafted the settings for your story, knowing this was for a contest, I realize there had to be a restraint on word count. You still managed to set a nice stage for your characters. The expense of course was that we didn't learn as much about your characters as we might have liked. A sad byproduct of contest word counts. Sometimes though, no character description works, the reader is allowed to construct the characters appearance to their own liking.

I tripped over one detail that made me circle back while I was reading, you dubbed Amber a lawyer, when in reality she is a prosecutor or District Attorney. I'm thinking "lawyer" might have part of the prompt, along with "red umbrella"?

I would have liked to know the significance of the red umbrella in the story. I could see it as an identifier; Except the thugs knew what Amber looked like and how many people would be wandering around in a black bikini in a rain storm? Inquiring minds want to know!

Again, Happy Anniversary and Thank You very for sharing your exceptional talent with us!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review of The Choice  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A bitter sweet love story, that spurred a bit of self examination. It left me asking the question; What would I do? I enjoyed the story, like all good Sci-Fi, it presented one main deviation from current known science, and not a plethora of fictional discoveries that became totally unbelievable.

I also enjoyed how Roger used logic to discover the site he sought. Perhaps, I should say reverse logic of elimination? That made the story all the more believable.

In the short space this story occupies the author was still able to make me care for, and hope for Roger and Abigail.

The story is almost perfect (as one would expect from a Master Story Teller). I saw one very minor error exliamed is missing it's C. There was nothing that distracted me from the story.

The story did leave me with questions, like the first I asked above; What would I do? I also ask this one; If I discovered a substance with miraculous powers, and I were a brilliant scientist, wouldn't I spend my life trying to duplicate that substances properties?

Thank You for sharing this thought provoking story, this review barely touched on the points that made it an enjoyable read. I hope you are enjoying your WdC Anniversary!!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review of My Old House  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello and Welcome to WdC! I found your story and hope you don't mind if I make a few comments. I really like your concept, time travel has always intrigued me.

My comments and suggestions;

Continuity

At the beginning of your tale you introduce "Three young students..."

But within 3 or four paragraphs you indicate that there is only one student and two people who now have jobs, later we learn that they have important jobs and must have been working for some time.

Dialogue

Usually as the "speaker" changes in the story, a new paragraph starts, I.E., this -

"That was easier than I thought." Ann says carelessly "Nobody saw us." Ben starts looking around "Said it would be. But remember, just a quick look." Chas heads to where Ann is looking replies "I've important work to get on with, Ann. Can't hang around." Chas says nervously. Ben picks up a broken Vacuum "Same here. Not like you 'students' swanning around all day! Ha!"

Should really be:

"That was easier than I thought." Ann says carelessly[comma] "Nobody saw us."

Ben starts looking around[comma] "[s]aid it would be[comma replaces period] [b]ut remember, just a quick look."

Chas heads to where Ann is looking [and] replies[comma] "I've important work to get on with, Ann. Can't hang around." Chas says nervously.

Ben picks up a broken Vacuum "Same here. Not like you 'students' swanning around all day! Ha!"

Each speaker is presenting a new idea, requiring a new paragraph.

Be careful with dialogue tags (he said/she said). You reuse tags, "Noted", in particular, it breaks up the flow and is a bit disconcerting to read.

Proof reading in general;

Give your tale a good proof reading there is a misspelling in the first sentence "quint", I assume should be quiet?

In a few places you are missing punctuation.

Showing vs Telling;

I really like that you showed us the story was about Time Travel, without actually telling us! That was well crafted. Use that skill everywhere in your story:

Three Young Students approach the house, passing a sign saying RED ZONE, UNSAFE, NO ENTRY. They look round as they approach the front door. The street is quint with no traffic going down it.

Is there a way to SHOW us this sequence instead of telling us?

Filler words

Beware of words like just, that, was or had, often they are JUST filler words, THEY actually serve no purpose, and CAN slow the pace of your story. Read your sentences with and without those words, if THEY STILL work without them edit them out.

Editing my own writing:

Beware of words like just, that, was or had, often they are filler words, actually serving no purpose, slowing the pace of your story. Read your sentences with and without those words, if it works without them edit them out.

Final Thoughts

This is a great concept for a story and with polish and editing will be a wonderful tale. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to more of your work. Remember, these are my opinions, please use what works for you and disregard anything that doesn't. Thanks and keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi! Welcome to WdC! I found your work on the Newbie Page, and hope you don't mind if I make a few suggestions and comments. Please keep in mind these are only suggestions, and only my opinion. Use what you like and disregard the rest.

I liked the concept of your story, it's an interesting plot line, and it looks like you have a very good idea as to where your characters are going.

I realize this is a work in progress and as such you will be continually revising and editing, so some of what I mention you may intend to fix later on, which is fine. My advice though is to fix things as you go, sometimes errors get overlooked later on.

My Comments and Suggestions;

First things first - In your title, Youth is love the eyes can see is the way it appears, generally all of the "important words" in a title are capitalized, so your title should look like this:

Youth is Love the Eyes Can See

I know that seems like a very small thing, but the title is the first thing the reader sees, the first impression of your writing. Some might just scroll past based on the missing caps.

Punctuation and Structure;

There are numerous example throughout the story, I will use this one:

" Hey Emily, get up " I tapped the sleeping girl's shoulder, but she mumbled nonsense that I couldn't understand and slapped my hand that was tapping her away.

Great, she's one of those hard to get up sleepers I thought to myself rolling my eyes.

" well I could always leave her here " I chuckled to myself but knew that that wasn't the kind of person I was as I began to tap her again. " Get up Emily, we're at Lost Springs"

Throughout you add a "white space" after or before the quotation mark. That space should not be there:

" Hey Emily, get up " should actually look like, "Hey Emily, get up"

Structurally, the speaker in these three short paragraphs never changes, Andrew says all of it. Dialogue by one speaker should all go in the same paragraph.

"Hey Emily, get up[period or exclamation point]" I tapped the sleeping girl's shoulder, but she mumbled nonsense that I couldn't understand and slapped my hand that was tapping her away. Great, she's one of those hard to get up sleepers[comma] I thought to myself rolling my eyes. "[W]ell I could always leave her here[comma}" I chuckled to myself[comma] but knew that that wasn't the kind of person I was[comma] as I began to tap her again. "Get up Emily, we're at Lost Springs"

Capitalization;

Lacey morgan Morgan is part of a name and should be capitalized.

Also watch the beginning of sentences, some are missing their Caps.

Homonyms

There are a couple places where you switched out the word you wanted for its homonym;

I couldn’t help but pull the earbud from his ear with an excited smile and shove it into my own when I recognized the tone of my favorite song by Chris Brown. He looked at me as if I was a crazy rude girl that he just wanted to shove out of the seat onto the floor.

“ Oh sorry, My excitement got the better of me I heard the toon to Chris Brown and I acted without thinking “ I blushed to realize my rude mistake.

I think you mean tune.

Also look out for whether vs weather, I saw at least one of those.

Economical Writing;

Say the same thing with fewer words. It makes it easier to read and adds to quickening the pace of your story. Going back to the original example:

"Hey Emily, get up!" I tapped the sleeping girl's shoulder, but she mumbled nonsense that I couldn't understand and slapped my hand that was tapping her away. Great, she's one of those hard to get up sleepers, I thought to myself rolling my eyes. Well, I could always leave her here, I chuckled to myself, but knew that that wasn't the kind of person I was, as I began to tap her again. "Get up Emily, we're at Lost Springs"

I might edit the above to:

"Hey Emily, get up!" Tapping the sleeping girl's shoulder, she mumbled nonsense I couldn't understand, [or just one word: incoherently] slapping the annoying tapping away. Great, I thought, she's one of those deep sleepers, rolling my eyes. "Well, I could always leave her here," chuckling to my self {or chuckling silently]. Sighing, that wasn't who I was, tapping her a bit harder, "Get up Emily, we're at Lost Springs."

Final Thoughts

I just want to reiterate that though I've pointed out many things I saw, it is still important to remember that your concept and plot are wonderful. Looking past the things I've mentioned, with polish this will be a great story. Please keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work!!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review of Versus  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very interesting piece, both in it's meaning and structure. I read it several different ways, which is what I think you intended. In reality, it is three distinct poems on a single page. I particularly like the lines where the poems merged briefly "He was religious.", only to split off once again on their own.

The message is clear, being educated does not necessarily make you a good person, nor does being a "gangster" make you a bad person. There is good and bad in everyone.

I struggled a bit with the meter, I wanted the matching lines to have the same syllable count, most likely my failing not yours.

I think you could have made the ending a bit more dramatic by reusing the word killed again somehow in he last line of the center stanzas.

Maybe something along the lines of killing the souls of those he Loved? That would play of the "He was religious" line also.

I see you are new to WdD and that I am having the pleasure of reviewing your first entry to your portfolio, so let me include a Welcome and Thank You for sharing you work with us. And always remember, this review is my opinion, use it if you wish, disregard if you'd like! Keep on Writing!

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Review of Anger  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have asked a very good question. It seems we've forgotten that we can disagree and still remain civil. If only we could ALL finally be at peace with each other, what a wonderful thought.

I liked your poem, and it's clever rhymes. I usually stumble when reading poems without a distinct meter, but yours read well. Your punctuation was clear and allowed the poem to flow nicely. The images you created with your language conveys your message well.

Anger courses its way through our walls,
Crawling its way into our halls.

A very powerful opening and yet you managed to keep the imagery going until its end point

Since this looks like you first work on WdC and you are a recent arrival, let me also welcome you to the site! Please keep on writing, I look forward to reading more of your work, Thank You!

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Review of The Wallet  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this tale of buona fortuna and it slow reveal from tragedy to romance of a sort. The characters and setting are well developed and the pace of the story is good.

Just a few mechanical comments;

Sentence clauses are usually separated by commas, if you connect two parts of a sentence with "and or so" consider using a comma unless the sentence is very short.

This sentence; "the papers were full with the miracle" might work better with filled rather then full.

If you wanted to pare it down a bit, to make room for more descriptive, showing words, take a look at the places you used, "really, even, very and just". Do you actually need those words or are they just fillers?

I enjoyed your story, I am just wondering. Was the lucky charm the wallet or Lucky the dog?

Thanks and Keep on Writing!


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Review of Family  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Short and sweet, with a lot of meat and meaning!

Seems like two would be crooks met their match with an older, much more experienced thief, a la Oliver Twist. Given the probable word restrictions, the characters and the setting are well developed. We are given just enough detail to draw our own conclusions.

Maybe look at the words "just and was" if you wanted to pare the word count down to get more room for descriptive, telling words.

A great job in very few words, Thank You and Good Luck!


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Review of The Cat's Cradle  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a great flash fiction, with a neat little twist at the end!

There are some great descriptions of divey, little bars that I really identified with, all of which I played in or listened at before.

Particularly this one, "a hazy halo of candlelight and smoke hovered..."

The language brought me back to the 50's Mystery/Detective Genre, "those cats were laying down some hot licks".

This line with its foreshadowing, "...their notes from some place deep in their souls." of things to come.

Very expressively written!

There might be a comma or two missing, but that didn't take away from a nice little story at all. Thank You and Keep Writing!


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Review of Sweat  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
To say I feel your pain would be an understatement. This comparison would easily apply to many different professions'. Sports vs. Teaching only touches the tip of the iceberg. Unexplainable disparities in pay scale exist in every facet of life.

Your analogy of athletes being paid per drop of perspiration is brilliant. I assume your bench warmers are receiving donkey's in remuneration, otherwise you might want to nudge your age rating up a bit.

This is the best line of all;

"Teachers are paid by drawing straws
or sometimes by playing rock, paper, scissors."

In today's clime of budget cuts, it often seems that's just how decisions for funding are made!

Teachers aren't perfect, but teaching children is worth more then any game.

Thank You!


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Review of Roses  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Poetry, at least for me is music without sound. It should evoke emotion and stir passion.

This poem does all that. It makes me, at once, happy and sad. A true Love shared through time and the memories that love created made me happy. That the love could end made me sad, this line made me saddest of all;

"the last rose they'd share."

It made me sad to think that for some reason their love had perished, even in death.

I loved the form of the poem, it's repeated lines tying the form together. I'm sorry that I can't offer a deep, analytical review of it, I am not a poet, I lack the words or skill set to do that. I am a musician and your poem sang to me. Thank You!


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Review of Witch Hazel  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
What a wonderful start to your story, I hope you come back and finish it soon! The small amount I read makes me want to read more...so your "hook" worked! Great Job!!

Now you have to reel your audience in.

A few mechanical things;

This sentence: "Under the dark oak tree sat a little owl", confuses me a little. You have the owl under the oak tree, then "its eyes wide open focused on the shadows below", you have him looking down at the shadows. Is the owl under the tree? In the tree? Just a bit unclear.

Maybe something like;

Hidden by the fluttering leaves of a dark oak tree... Putting the little owl in the tree. It also shows us that it's spring or summer, since there's leaves on the tree, and that there is a least some wind or breeze, since the leaves are moving.

I know that this story is in its infancy and will most likely go through several edits and revisions as you write it, which is all part of the fun (and torture) of creating and crafting a story.

A suggestion or two;

Be on the look out for words you don't really need -

"Under the dark oak tree sat a little owl, [its] eyes wide open focused on the shadows below"

Do you really need that "its"? Should there be a comma between open and focus?

A wonderful start!! I look forward to seeing it move towards completion. Thank You and Keep Writing!!


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Review of Statement  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am saving this poem on my notepad, so that I can return a re-read it often. The message it imparts applies to all writers, in fact all practitioners of any Art form regardless of the media they employ. As an aspiring writer with much to learn, and an accomplished musician with hard earned experience, I can clearly identify with the poems meaning and warning.

I am a bit confused by the poets choice of punctuation. I suppose that's the curse of being a musician, that always causes me to always seek a clear rhythmic pulse that I can't seem to find here. That's of course, a personal failing and not the fault of the poet.

The poems meaning, at least to me, is to remember not to practice your art, no matter what it might be, with an eye on profit and fame. Fame and wealth is not a measure of worthiness or accomplishment.

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Review of The Domino Effect  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An interesting story with some enjoyable twists and turns. I enjoyed it, having worked in a corporate setting at one time I identify with the "office gossip" concept you used.

The story is faced pace and concise, and well written. The word count that is an inherent part of almost every contest doesn't affect the readability of the story. It does impact the character development somewhat, what we do learn about the characters we glean from passing references and quick asides. We also don't learn much about the setting. In both cases we're given just enough to propel the story, which works, but I'm a detail hog and would have liked more.

Mechanically, I saw only one little typo;

inseperable should be spelled inseparable

The use of the "newscaster" was a great way to move the story along! I very much liked the twist at the end. I would have liked to see a bit more in the way of character development. I didn't really feel good or bad about any of the characters, but something always has to sacrificed to word counts.

Thanks for sharing this great story!

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