What a kick it was reading your story! When you stop to think about it I guess everything has it's own perspective on it's environment and from there it's just a matter of deciding if this or that particular item has sentience.
Initially when I started reading your story I was wondering why there were no separate paragraphs and was sure that I would find this distracting. However, as I read on that fact seemed to fall by the wayside and become insignificant.
I did find it a little difficult to visualize the breathing part and so I had to remind myself that this is a piece that requires the reader to imagine.
While the glass might initially appear to be talking to the reader I suppose that he (she?) might also be talking to other glasses in the cupboard. It might be fun to expand this out just a bit and have your glass interact with other cups and glasses in the cupboard and perhaps have them compare experiences.
Your wording also made it very easy to imagine the wine drinker getting drunker and clumsier and then finally falling asleep and snoring.
All in all I enjoyed your story. It always healthy to exercise one's imagination. Hope you write more.
I just read your poem "Dream" You do good work and your words painted vivid pictures for me. I agree with your assertion that our individual capabilities are only limited by our dreams and, taking it a step further, we are the only ones who can limit our dreams. I especially like the lines in your last stanza which so aptly illustrated this point.
Only one suggestion: In your introduction you said: "There's limit to your possibilities if you just dream."
Unless I miss my guess you meant to say: "There's no limit to your possibilities if you just dream."
A minor glitch that has nothing to do with the quality of your work.
Good job on this - I hope you write a bunch more.
And now if you'll excuse me I think I'll go take a quick romp through M-31!
Just read your story "Genesis One". Wow! It's two am here and I'm thinking that perhaps I should have waited for some bright sunlight before I delved into this one.
Your writing is vivid and descriptive to say the least and the plot ran straight and true. Initially I identified with Wasserman's opening statement as I too have often thought that long term space travel would indeed be quite boring, but we soon parted ways as the rest of his personality started to blossom forth.
Next, just as I was starting to wonder how such a psycho could have ever gotten onto a spaceship crew he went into explaining exactly how that happened.
I was really pulling for the blond - but with this guy that was not to be and it then became obvious that he was the real thing and not just a daydreamer.
It became a little fuzzy for me on her apartment however. I wasn't too sure about his "Previous visits" I'm trying to decide if he had been there on prior occasions as a sneak burglar or perhaps through some sort of clarivoyance (sp?) or astral projection. I lean towards the latter.
This guy came across as a cross between Ted Bundy and Andrei Chikatilo with a little bit of Alien thrown in for good measure.
One little nit picky note: when you wrote "peeked his interest" I think perhaps you meant "piqued his interest."
All in all very well written with words that painted a frightening picture. Good job!
I worry about the people on Mars...
Out of curiosity I just clicked on to your story and read it. Congratulations on having the fortitude to do the CPR. You'd be surprised how many people just sit back and let nature take it's course without lifting a finger in such situations. Not only did you do CPR but you brought her back - even if only for a day - and that my friend is a rarity. In the course of my career I have performed CPR well over a hundred times (Your description brought on a few flashbacks!) with only two successes - but then that was two lives and so it made all of the rest of them worth it.
I was intrigued by the ominous presence you felt as you worked with this lady. Your description was both vivid and unsettling. I have never personally noticed such a thing on any of my calls over the years but I do recall one old duffer who, after a long battle with cancer, had passed away peacefully at home surrounded by his family. As a matter of routine we responded to stand by until the coroner could arrive and for several minutes I was alone in the room with the gentleman while my partner talked with the family in the other room. I remember that at the time I got a very strong feeling that the fellow was still there and for reasons I cannot explain I turned and looked up at the ceiling in the corner of the room. I didn't see anything but I got the distinct feeling that I was making eye contact with him on a spiritual level and a strong feeling of peace and well being washed over me. I smiled up at whatever it was and with that the feeling departed and it was back to business.
Your piece is well written and I enjoyed reading it. Because of your experience with "The presence"I can now better understand why my story affected you the way it did. When it comes to writing you do good work.
Now I'm going to hop back over to my story and your evaluation to explain a few things about that piece of work.
I just read your poem and before I go dashing to a map to check I can't help but wonder if there are really towns in Michigan by the names you gave. In any case it certainly got me to wondering.
As I read your work many images flashed across my mind:
"Gaunt, black caped gentleman pointed a gloved finger" I'm torn between having him be a traffic cop giving them directions or the Grim Reaper directing them down a hazardous path.
I imagined hollow distant laughing with the "April fools day prank." line.
"Four souls alone in the dark." Seemed to be four nervous students at night in a car that was out of gas.
"Two badly bleached, overly plump and massively under dressed ladies" I'll just keep my remarks at a PG level on that one...
If I take a deep breath and step back a pace or two to try and take in the big picture then perhaps this poem is about the journey through life which we all must take and some of the experiences and pitfalls which we might encounter along the way.
While I have no way of knowing what your intent was when you wrote this, that's what I got out of it. With that said, I can remember many times when people read some of my stuff and got things out of it that were a total revelation to me!
All in all it is a good piece of work and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your creativity and talent
I just read "Unconventional Warfare" and I must say it had me guessing right up until "I made my way through the kitchen" which was pretty well into the story. A great story that, in spite of the brevity dictated by flash fiction items, smoothly included all of the necessary elements to make the story flow and work from an interesting perspective. I am not sure exactly what "Bonfire Night" is but I am assuming it is the equivalent of our Fourth of July celebrations.
Again: Good job and a good imagination!
What a cool story! I pride myself on thinking ahead and figuring out where the story is going to go but this one blind sided me while still coming together and making sense.
The only suggestion I would make: Some of the words and wording are a bit, I don't know how to say this clearly so I will demonstrate:
Yours: "I tried to alert him, but apparently he didn't hear me and the bus drove off."
Consider: "As he was getting on the bus I yelled at him but I guess he didn't hear me."
Writing flash fiction is always a charming challenge and all and all you did quite well with this - keep up the good work!
I just read your "Deputy Smith" work and found it quite amusing and entertaining. While your wording in regards to time and location left it rather generic, my imagination had no trouble conjuring up a sleepy country town in the 1930's or thereabouts. The deputy may hay have been Barney Fife's grand father...
Good work - keep pumping out the stories!
Brin
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 9:06am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
