bronia's (bronia) Reviews

bronia

Review Requests: OFF

5 Public Reviews Given

5 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4117249

Review of Loves Inuendo

Review by bronia

Rated: ASR ★★★★★ | (2.5)

great poem, noticed a couple of typos...

'i think your all i've ever wanted' should read 'you're'

'then they next day' they/ the

2

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4094825

Review of Travels and a Tea Party

Review by bronia

Rated: 13+ ★★★★★ | (2.5)

Hi!
A nice start! A couple of things that I noticed are;

---- He reflected on her certainty that he would meet a grisly end in city like Atlanta as he took in the sights from the bus----
This sentence needs rewriting. It is missing the word 'a' between 'grisly end in city like Atlanta'. Perhaps try something like "Adam took in the passing sights and reflected on his mothers certainty that he would meet a grisly end in a city like Atlanta."

---She informed him she was recently recovered as the hospital treating her discharged her.---
Maybe reword this to avoid repeating the words 'she' and 'her'. You could say, for example, "She took some pleasure in informing him that she had just been discharged from hospital"--this would also open up the idea that she is proud of what she did, suggesting her character to the reader will make them want to read on to find out what this woman did. It was just a little flat and nondescript and so I had to reread her characters part a couple of times.

---Frenzied and awkward gestures accompanied a brightly painted animated face possessing a compelling combination of features--- this is a great description, just needs a comma? :) 'brightly painted, animated face' or breaking down to become less of a mouthful.

--Adam gather his backpack from the storage compartment over the seats.--- should read "Adam gatherED"

This is a good start, I would just recommend filling it out a little bit before moving on. Add in a little detail as to his surroundings. You have some good characters building, I would take a little more time on each one. Or, if you don't want to linger on the bus scene too much, perhaps focus on one main character- it seemed more fitting for pain pill girl to mug him, the description of the Boston guy did not build a shady character, perhaps build that into his description a little. I feel it jumped around from characters a little too quickly.

Keep up the good work!