*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brontosaurus
Review Requests: ON
232 Public Reviews Given
334 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 ... Next
1
1
for entry "Invalid Entry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi, Ghost Sox . I'm reviewing your piece as part of the "I Write: Enter the Second Decade challenge.

Disclaimer: I do not know much about poetry, but I'll give this my best shot.

I'm guessing this is a quatrain? My apologies if I got that wrong, but I thought the lines flowed well, like the rhyming words - sparse-arse, jack-back, pretend-end, There's a lot of anger in the poem about how promises have failed, how the anger evolved, and somehow got stuck in a cycle. It truly reflects the nature of anger, how when it kind of implode and explode, the person just gets trapped in it, unable to get out of the cycle of thoughts. I like how the anger also moved -- in the beginning, the author laid it straight on how promises failed her, then after, giving it a piece of her mind, finally states never to trust in promises ever again. My favourite line is the first line - promises lie in debt - because it's thought-provoking - like how most mounting debts, you can't pay it back, and it gives all sorts of negative vibes as well as break the trust between debtor and creditor. I love how you also portrayed the unfortunate reality of failed promises and the hurt it causes. All in all, I love the poem. I think it's beautifully written.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

218143218143


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

A dragon reading a book by candle light


Oh wowwwww! I'm absolutely floored by your stunning dolls. You worked on them since you were five? You've got talent, Ghost Sox . I don't usually review photo albums, but yours is so exceptional, I couldn't help it. What I love most about your dolls is how you've created a personality for every single one of them. To me, that is hard work, but it's so visually satisfying to see you have your own little world with "real" citizens you can actually hold, see, and touch. I love how colourful they all are too. Thank you for sharing this. I hope that you will keep on adding, but I'll add, just in case, your current collection is sufficiently eye-pleasing. *Laugh*


Thank you for sharing this with us. It's an honour. *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

218143218143
3
3
Review of Autumn  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi, Whiskerfacebeing beta’d . I'm reviewing your item as part of the "I Write: Enter the Second Decade challenge. It will be a short one, different from my usual reviews because I ran out of time even before I even began. And yes, I took note of the genre this time. *Laugh* *Facepalm*

I really enjoyed reading your entry. Your description of the changing season is very poetic. As someone who never really gets to enjoy the changing seasons (my country only has two seasons - hot and rainy. Tropical weather.), I really appreciated the detailed imagery you have painted in your essay. I could feel like I'm there and I laughed at this: "Autumn gives a defiant middle finger to both". How endearing this is. I'm almost jealous that you could enjoy such a beautiful autumn and that I'm not in the picture, and I could really see everything you described. Thank you for taking me to experience your beautiful autumn. I had similar walks in the park, but it's never as interesting. I loved how your opening too. It's intriguing and I had the feeling whereby: "I know what she's talking about. I wish I wrote that!" Description definitely plays into your strength. *Heart*

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

218143218143


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of So Long draft one  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi, Whiskerfacebeing beta’d . I'm reviewing your story as part of the "I Write: Enter the Second Decade challenge.


The Review


Opening:
I like your opening because I wanted to read on to find out what the MC meant by her son moving out in theory.

Plot:
As I read further, I realised that the whole story is about the MC whining about why her son is not moving out yet, explaining all his excuses and the process of him moving out, then can't wait for him to move out. That's not much of a story unless either the MC was in a certain state in the beginning of the story and the things that happened in the story made her or the situation change at the end of it. There was no lesson to learn, no message to deliver. It was just a fictional essay of a complaining mother. The story also lacked its usual story structure. There was no twist in the story, no climax... except the beginning and the end. I thought the ending was nice, that the mother has finally let go controlling her son whom she thought is not independent. She expressed her worry in the beginning, thinking that her son would not successfully move out. However, the story did not go anywhere. Where is your Point A and Point B of the story?

Dramatic Tension/ Conflict:
*Bullet* There were existing tension between MC and her son, and the MC vs. her husband because her husband let her son take the lead and she didn't like it. She must have been used to being in control at home. I can actually relate to that.
*Bullet* I kind of like this sentence: "My son is sick, hacking and headachy, and I sympathize. There’s no doubt he wants to recover, but he can still get in touch with the people who haven’t called back." Earlier, the son is hinted to have to take a drug test. It made me wonder if the son is a drug addict. I would love more of that if that's the case. As for the conflicts, I don't think any of the conflicts were resolved.

Style:
I would prefer more sentence variation in the story. For example, you had three consecutive sentences starting from "He". I'm not sure if there is a purpose to adopt this style - maybe to emphasise the whiny mother. However, it did make the writing slightly flat.

Format:
Do ensure that you've spaced out your story. Some sentences clumped together.

Grammar:
Grammar looks fine and no typos spotted. Well done.

Originality:
Men staying with their parents past a dependable age is a common story. It would depend on how the story is told that will make the difference on its originality.

Dialogue:
There were none.

Characterisation:
I could see that the MC is a control freak, stubborn, and slightly condescending. The son is a dependable, possible drug addict, lazy, a procrastinator, and just inexperienced in life. The father just gives in to everything let everything be which is not surprising seeing how the MC is a control freak, he must have been used to it. I like how you have given all your characters a personality. It would be good for the MC to have a character arc to show how she finally let go and let her son be. You have all that together but it's just missing pushing points that will make the character let go.

Pacing:
Pacing of the story is okay.

Show Vs. Tell:
The story is told all the way. May want to consider showing some scenes and engaging our five senses so that we, the readers, can feel as though we are part of the story.

Setting & Locale:
No idea where the story is located at. Is it important to know this? At this point, not so.

Point of View:
The story is told from a third person limited POV: the Mother. You chose well. I think she told the story best from her POV.

Cohesiveness & Continuity:
Nothing distracting apart from the spacing issue.

Choice of Title:
*Laugh* I guess you didn't choose a title yet.

General "big picture" pointers:
*Bullet* Honestly, I think it's too soon to review your piece but I'm doing it as part of the "I Write" challenge. So, once you have edited your story and want me to take a look again, do drop me an email and I'll do it again.
*Bullet* I kind of wondered what was the prompt (if you had any) or if you had a word limit for this (or aimed for a certain word count).
*Bullet* As the conflicts were not resolved, is there an emotional payoff in the story or is the story memorable? To me, there wasn't.
*Bullet* I did think there were areas worth expanding:
*BurstB* Plot point on son as a possible drug addict
*BurstB* Expand more plot points, mid-point and hit the climax that causes mother to let go and not go all control-freak over her son
*BurstB* Just for some fun element, since she had to let go being all control-freak over her son, maybe she will turn to her husband. That sounds like a good and comedic end to it.

These are just suggestions. You could get more reviewers to see what they thought of your story to get more insights too. *Heart*

All the best!

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*



Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

A dragon reading a book by candle light


Personal Message:
Hi, Izzey. I finally got to reviewing your story. The one you have requested me to review has been taken off. In fact, I've noticed that many of your items are now private so I chose to review this piece first. Sorry to keep you waiting. I had some growing to do before I review another item on WDC. I'll be reviewing your item according to the vital elements in story-telling. If you have any further questions, just shoot me an email. I'll email you the line edits because it'll kill me to do the formatting here. *Laugh*

Opening
In my opinion, your story still requires more work so I shall refrain from commenting on the opening until you've found the core of your story.

Conflict
Conflict with others: Niklas vs. Jared.
Conflict with society: Niklas’ school is very popularity-centric (like most schools) and Niklas is not.

Unfortunately, the conflicts in this story are too few and are insufficient to maintain an emotional interest with your readers and did not drive the story forward. Your story is a bit stagnant. Create more conflicts, drive your characters nuts, and then your readers will stay interested with your story.

Plot
Your story's plot is not complete yet. In every story, there is a structure. Without the structure, the story is not a story. Even though your story is a short story (a flash fiction or a micro fiction), every story in fiction-writing has to follow any structure of your choice e.g. The Hero's Journey, The Save the Cat Beat Sheet, etc. I’ll break down your story so you can see what I mean. I'm doing this according to the 3-Act Structure.

Beginning: Introduction of character - Who Niklas is.
Inciting incident: Niklas meets Elisa and was very taken in by her.
Debate: - (optional)
Climax 1: ?
Obstacle: ?
Obstacle: ?
Mid-Point (Big Twist): Jared didn’t approve Niklas’ interest in Elisa.
Obstacle: ?
Obstacle: ?
Climax 2: Niklas retaliates? --> Didn't know where to put this one.
Climax 3: ?
Wrap-Up: ?
End: Jared calls Elisa a special girl. -?

Every story needs to move from Point A to Point B.

A: Niklas, popular kid in school, well-liked but humble.
B: Niklas protects Elisa?

They usually start and end at the same point in the story to show character development, to show the difference in point A and B. Your story didn't have that.

Pacing
Pace is okay.

Dramatic Tension
The story lacks tension because the story lacks conflict. The only tension in the story is when Jared threatens Niklas that if he went out with Elisa or befriended her, he would be out of the team. But that threat did not even make sense because he just met Elisa.

Setting & Locale
You did not describe any setting other than “school”, “hallway”, “bleachers”, “gym hall”, and “lunch table”. You’ll need to describe more. How does the surrounding interact with the character? Describe the setting using all five senses. What does the character see, hear, smell, feel (touch), taste? How does the surrounding or setting contribute to the story?

Characterization
I want to know why Niklas is the way he is. What makes him different from other boys his age? Why does a popular boy like him not bask into his fame but rather goes against the flow and is a down-to-earth boy? What is the story behind it? That is the story that is missing.
Elisa - what made her take up ballet? If she’s fat and she had her face disfigured because of the clef and all that, what made her pursue ballet and what made her brave enough to stand on stage to perform in front of an audience? She must be insecure in some way but I’m not seeing it. How would she be immediately drawn to Niklas and not feel embarrassed when he had an interest in her?
Why is Niklas drawn to the ballet?
There’s just so much more story that is not told.
Most of all, in every story, your character MUST undergo a character development but all your characters are flat characters that are only ‘existing’. Push them to the boundaries by creating more conflict for them and let them change or learn something new.

Dialogue
Dialogue is very unnatural. This require in-depth understanding with how the characters’ personalities are and how they talk. Each person have their own unique voice but the dialogues are just serving as ideologies in a different format. Also, there’s too many repetitions on Elisa’s physical condition. No one talks like that.

Point of View
It would be more effective if this story is told in third person - limited. Maybe just Niklas POV. Currently, your story is told from Niklas and Elisa’s point of view.

Show vs. Tell
There’s too much telling and not enough showing. When Jared suddenly barged into Elisa and Niklas conversation, what were the body languages they portrayed that showed their emotions? Don’t tell readers their emotions. Let them feel it. Let readers be part of it.

Format of the text
It would be nice to have a bigger font so that it’s easier to read. We used to tolerate smaller fonts but nowadays, we'd prefer size 3.5 or 4. Isn't it easier to read my review now that I'm using font size 4 and 1.6 line spacing? *Laugh*

Grammar and Spelling
Look into your tenses, subject-verb-agreement sentences. They tend to get mixed up. “The” tends to be used in the wrong places. Look into that. It’s generally otherwise quite okay. Nothing major.

Style
You are still finding your own voice. You will eventually find it the more you read and write. Look into word choice too to deliver your message across.

Cohesiveness & Continuity
Some sentences may be confusing. Some words may be redundant. Just need to do some edits to tighten some sentences. Change some passive voice to active voice to reduce the confusion too. Some parts didn't make sense to me too. Refer to characterisation and dramatic tension.

Choice of Title
I believe you could come up with a better title but that doesn’t come until you have edited your story and see what it’s really about. It’s not there yet.

General “big picture” pointers
Overall, I’d say that your story is a good, easy read for teens. It has a lot of potential for growth. I like how you started by introducing your character. You have very intriguing characters but the story is not showing how wonderful they are. If there’s anything I learnt, writing requires many layers and it seemed to me that you’ve only applied the first layer to this story so do not worry about it and keep working on this. I’ve only recently learnt that professional writers who got their work published, they have edited their stories about 40 times. Can you believe that? Anyway, you’ll need to establish your story more because it lacks conflict. Because there’s not enough conflict, there’s not enough dramatic tension. I want to see how your characters evolve and grow.

Keep writing, Izzy! *Heart* You can do it!



Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*

Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of I fall...  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

A dragon reading a book by candle light

Thank you for sharing this beautiful picture poem with us. The words flow so well and fit the image of a teardrop perfectly. It also looks like a speech bubble bearing a message of a teardrop to readers, encouraging them to free it. I love how you titled your poem and its description. It reached the perfect emotional heights and the depth of my heart. It's simple yet powerful. Great combination of word selections. I like how you use opposite ideas to create contrast from the beginning of your poem: "fall-stand", "free-confine", "release-burdens". I love how you started your poem and ended the poem the same. Your poem is carefully crafted, painfully thought through and masterfully written. While many write picture poetries by stringing random words together, your poetry has many elements. With my limited knowledge of literary device, I try to identify them - personification - where the teardrop is given a voice... err... imagery? That's all I've spotted so far. I know very little about poetry and I learn when I review and research on what makes a poem good beyond our gut feeling as a mere writer. You taught me a lot so thank you and keep on writing.

I reviewed this poem because ruwth highlighted it via Newsfeed.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of The Decision  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

A dragon reading a book by candle light

This is a pretty straight forward story of a young heir who is forced to take over a company because he didn't want the employees to be out of job. With a little more tweak here and there, it could have been a lot more interesting. Here's why: You've introduced the problem in the story but there is not enough development towards the climax and resolution. There are a lot of telling in the story and not enough showing. There is an over emphasis on the character's backstory which filled about a third of the whole piece. I would like to see the MC's character development more. It's useful to follow the traditional short story structure to create a more compelling story although you don't really need to follow it strictly by the book. Here's an example of the thought process: What's the inciting incident? What are the problems face by the MC? He didn't want to take over the company. Then what? How did he create more problems? He ignores his father when his father tries to talk to him. Then what? The beginning of the story showed that he was carefree and "coasted along" life. There were no signs of him being a kind-hearted person until the very end. It didn't show the transition of him being a very caring individual. There's not enough "incidents" created to lead the MC to "the Decision". There wasn't enough story tension. I didn't feel that the MC is cornered enough. The story only brushed the very surface of the MC's emotions. The reason that the employees being out of job didn't seem strong enough because it was suddenly introduced at the end of the short story. I did not see the relationship between the MC and the employees too. Tell me why he cares then maybe I'll be convinced that the MC is a more caring person than I thought he is. I found it fascinating that Malcolm is not even in his fifties but he ran the company for 30 years... meaning he started the company when he was under 20 years old. That's interesting. Makes me wonder what kind of life he led to run a huge company at present time. And that he had the MC in his 20s too. So, he got married young too. Btw, these are merely my personal observations. Feel free to disagree and keep on writing. *Heart*

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

** Image ID #1882804 Unavailable **

*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*GREETINGS!!!*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* The Review:

Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece that you've written. It's short and simple but carries a profound meaning within. It makes me as a reader think about what the definition of Grace is and the difference between Grace and Mercy. You wrote Grace and Mercy like they were a person. That's refreshing and it also allows us to look at Grace and Mercy at yet another perspective. What we don't realise is how Grace can be a powerful motivator that nudges us forward. Often, we think it's Willpower but often, we forget when we run out of it, Grace has always been the invisible hero whom we may not notice. Your short piece made me wonder how it's like to hang out with Grace and Mercy for one day. I spotted a typo: "Grace just kept on nudging me." I'm not sure if the last line is a typo but I'll bring it to your attention too: Peace and blessings today and aways. Do you mean always? Anyway, I'm grateful that you've written this and now, we are Vacation Bible School are enjoying it, studying your work. May Grace and Mercy be with all of us always. *Heart*

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

** Image ID #1882804 Unavailable **

*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*WELCOME TO WDC!!!*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* The Review:


Let me take a wild guess. I might be wrong. You haven't set your bio block yet so I have no idea of knowing. Are you very young? I'm guessing from your writing you might be. First of all, I'll tell you what I like about your story. You have a good story structure: a beginning, middle and end. You'd be surprise, some writers may leave out this very important bit. *Wink* Of course, as always, there are rooms for improvements:

First: Your formatting. You need to have a line space between paragraph so that it's easier to read. That's just my personal preference and suggestion.

Second: Typo. You might want to be mindful of your spelling and typos: "glarring", "multituded" "handwork". Edit these words and spell them right. Look for other typos you might have made. Look at your subheadline too or your item description. There is a typo there.

Third: Punctuation. "Damn it...dream," I... Always end your dialogue with a comma or a period. Read more on grammar rules to know which for which.

Fourth: Spacing. Be careful of the space between words. An example: "mywork"

Fifth: Phrasing. I don't understand this: "...as I wore my clothes off to work." You might need to rewrite this sentence so that I, the reader, can understand what you are trying to convey.

All in all, good effort. Continue editing this piece. It's not finished yet. Editing is also part of the writing process so polish this piece until it's refined. Then, if you want me to give you another review, just buzz me.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

** Image ID #1882804 Unavailable **

*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*WELCOME TO WDC!!!*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*


*Owl3* The Review:


Hey, Soul mate's call . You've already known how much I like your piece via newsfeed cause I plugged your page. There are some technical errors like typos, the use of past tense instead of present tense but I'll let you find them yourself. I like your style of writing. It's very direct, like a person talking to another person. When writing this sort of piece, that is very important cause you want to motivate them to do something, to remind them and not bore them so they stop reading after a few seconds. You know how short people's attention span is like nowadays thanks to the social media. From our conversations via newsfeed, I found that you have not gone through a terrible loss in your life but yet, you wrote in a way as though you have. That's a gift. Yes, you are right, probably because you have empathy too. With a little polish here and there, you are ready to write these philosophical ponderings to a wider audience but of course, it would require a much higher level as you are going to need to stand out more thus level up your writing. Have you ever thought of writing column styles? I've a feeling, just a feeling, that if you try writing some of these from your own experience, it may be even more compelling. Something like how a story in your life brought you to a certain realisation - those kinds. Your piece carries an important message and appeals to everyone who is human. Basically everyone. Yeah. So, thanks for sharing. Everyone needs a little reminder sometimes. Btw, your subheadline or description does not make sense at all. You might want to look into that.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

** Image ID #1882804 Unavailable **

*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*WELCOME TO WDC!!!*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* The Review:


Hey there, Jon Faulken . It's nice to meet you. I enjoyed reading your microfiction. Great description. Very vivid. Clever use of adjectives. That's your strength. You begin with a character whose motive is very clear: to kill the beast. I like how you hinted the MC has already killed its family and that the boy asked a redundant question despite witnessing the prior kills. You showed us how skilled the hunter is, what goes through his mind. You kept your readers engaged from the very beginning and reminded us why reading is indeed an enjoyment. Your title could have been better. Giving a good title is an essential part of storytelling and important to get title scanners to click on your story to read it. You are a good writer so I'd challenge you to come up with a better, punchier one. *Laugh* I like your sub-description/ headline. You might need a period there. A few things to take note of: capitalisation - “are you really going to kill that thing, sir?” (Dialogue begins with a capitalized word, no matter where in the sentence it begins. Only interrupted dialogue, when it resumes, is not capped.) Source.   Punctuation: "Done by the beast's own two massive claws,..." Keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing your other writings.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Bare Hand  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

** Image ID #1882804 Unavailable **


*Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv*


*CakeB* HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Winnie Kay !!!*CakeB*


*Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv**Balloonr**Balloono**Balloony**Balloong**Balloonb**Balloonp**Balloonv*


*Rainbowl* Here's what I thought of your story: *Rainbowr*

I like how you managed to surprise us, your readers, in under five minutes of reading. Considering it's 2020 next year, I feel a little spooked. I like how you slowly unveiled details not mentioned before and allow your readers to explore further as they read. I like how imaginative you are to tease us into thinking how handshakes may not exist in the future because of a global epidemic. It makes us think about things we take for granted. I like how the main character responded to the old man, thinking he is sick at the end of the story. I like the dialogues and how integral a role they play in telling this story. You are a really good writer and it truly shows in this piece. It made me so curious that I had to go to your port and read your biography... and yes, I just read that your short stories are "aimed at stirring emotions and encouraging the reader to stop and think." You've definitely done that. I even like how you titled your flash fiction. It's just two simple words but it said so much about what the story is about. There is nothing I didn't like about this piece. I'm honoured to have read this and will poke around your port a lot more. And yes, I'd say this piece is "Uniquely Winnie". *Smile* Well done! *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Heart* Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

** Image ID #1882804 Unavailable **

*Star*HAPPY ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY!!!*Star*


*Owl3* Overview:
What am I doing - reviewing poetry? First, please know that I'm super unqualified at reviewing poetries but it's your 18th WDC birthday and you have.... lots of poetry in your port so... here goes...

As a reader who do not know much about poetry, I found your poem interesting. Why does it sound like there's a tune to this? It's somewhat rather catchy. Seriously, this sounds like some sort of lyrics. I had to Google to ensure that this is not some song you got from the internet. Write the melody, will you? The repetition of words, and the chorus, how it ends, totally qualifies as a song.

*Owl3* Grammar:
All looks fine but do you need a question mark here? I'm a simple man (or some sort of punctuation here?) do I deserve this?

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
I need to keep my family from being hungry

*Owl3* Final Thoughts:
I think the poem is awesome. It has potential to evolve into a song. I like its simplicity, the singular focus on the message narrating the life of farmers who only think of putting food on the table. Nice one.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Sierra the Robot  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

For SuperPowers

*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*GREETINGS!!!*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*


*Owl3* Overall Impressions:
I loved your story. You had a great story line going on there. I adored the characters. I enjoyed the dialogue. I liked how you followed through the emotions of the main character and set a character goal. I didn't get how getting presents is not part of enjoying life but the rest is fine. I'd like to see more excitement and passion injected in Dr. Samuel's character. He had just created a body for his robot. This is probably his first prototype and never done before. What's missing to me, if that's the case, is his excitement that he could not contain. He sounded like he has done this many times before. It would be nice if Dr. Samuel started saying something incoherent (science-related or scientific facts) and absolutely nerdy but understood and clarified by the robot. All in all, I enjoyed the story very much. It has potential to become even better and I think you did a fantastic job on this piece. Well done! *Heart* *Star*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
Your story still requires editing. I spotted a few run ons, typos, etc. Really, nothing major but it's not perfect yet. I won't point out what corrections are needed but have a look at these sentences:
*Duck* "Dad, you know I'm an A.I," I said. Let me explain myself, I'm an advanced self-aware A.I. created by Dr. Samuel. I was created roughly twelve years ago today, I'm turning thirteen today.
*Duck* "Now... would you like some cake?" My father said mischievously.
*Duck* "Can I eat? Should I eat sweats so soon after being implanted into my new body?" I asked myself, I must admit I am eager to try eating. (Is cake a sweet? It's sweet but it's not a sweet, right?)
*Duck* I had gone from a wireframe hologram to flesh and blood... well a convincing simulacrum at the very least
*Duck* "Well, you know how you've been bugging me about getting a body ever since you first passed the Turning Test for the first time?" Dr. Samuel said./ "You created me ready. I have even passed the Turing Test," I said excitedly. (Is it Turing or Turning Test?
*Duck* "Yes, the boys have been making this Biodroid body for you for the past year." Dr. Samuel explained. (Do inject more emotions in dialogues like these.)
*Duck* "Alright, I was only curious. I'm prepared for the upload." I said, excited and anxious for this new change. Several minutes later the Biodroid was ready for me to upload into. A special cable was connected between the Biodroids head and my terminal. (Would love more description on this too. It's good.)

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* I had gone from a wireframe hologram to flesh and blood... well a convincing simulacrum at the very least.
*Trainp* Inside of it was a Human girl suspended in a green liquid. "Your new body!" Dr. Samuel said proudly. (Could you describe this a little bit more though? I want to imagine her more vividly.)

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of A Good Heart  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a review brought to you by: "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

** Image ID #1882804 Unavailable **

*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*GREETINGS!!!*Rainbowl**Rainbowr*


*Owl3* Overall Impressions/ Random Chatter:
Wow. Talk about randomness. Your item appeared in the Rate & Review randomiser thing. Wow. That is one demented story. You kept me engaged throughout the story. I was prepared for more comedy from you and that scene from the library made me laugh and I was hoping Mary would knock his head for rejecting her. Maybe knife him at some dark, gloomy corners. That was what I was expecting when I read on so there was an element of surprise for me as you began to reveal how demented the professor is. I began to think he is a rapist but then, you did not stop there and continued developing the story in a way that made me realise that he is just this sick psycho murderer and OMG! That girl is gonna die a very horrible death. Nope, but you gave me another element of surprise again when the girl actually is an FBI agent. Your story is full of surprises. I was not expecting it at all. I loved how you developed your character, adding layers upon layers as your reader, me, went along your story. Each time you add some information on your character, it gave me a new light and changed my perception of your MC. The coordination of thoughts, action, drama, situation, surroundings are all a natural flow. Your story played with my emotions. Plot is excellence, not only engaging but full of plot twists but not too overpowering. I loved your writing style and you have very good vocabulary range (I had to look at the dictionary) which further enriched your story. Your story is easy to follow and your dialogues set the mood of the story rather well and played an important role in telling the story better. Your yellow awardicon is well-deserved. Thank you for sharing your story.

P/S: You made me read this in office. It felt SO WRONG! *Rolling*

P/P/S: I wonder how many girls did your MC murder? I'm curious.

*Owl3* Typos/ Grammar:
None spotted! Hooray!!!

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* He mulled over the notion for a moment. No. He mustn't be an imbecile. Of course she wasn't attracted to him. He'd misread the situation. And besides, physical interaction between himself and a student here could prove a poisoned chalice.
*Trainp* Two or three girls every year had enjoyed the privilege of his undivided attention, and he'd once stolen the heart of a Nigerian princess.


Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! *Heart*


Elycia ☮ Happy 2023!

Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Image #597425 over display limit. -?-

Image #1668209 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
I loved your story! *Heart* I like that you told the story in a form of letter. I love the plot. I thought it was swell that an ordinary main character who was just too busy body ended up as the staff of a USA President. *Laugh* What a dream that is and all he needs to do is type. It is so hillarious too that the main character thanked his mom for coercing him to go for his typing class and that how he is a fast typist now. *Rolling* It's like a piece of jigsaw puzzle and you managed to keep them all fitted in. Nice job! Naturally, I love your characters. Your flow of story and sentence structure is absolutely flawless. You even included some punchlines and made us all laugh. I love your dialogues. They are the juiciest part of your story. You actually made me Google Barton Robinson. I am wishing this story is actually true. Life is after all stranger than fiction. Blimey, I didn't find anything on him though. I didn't check if the speech is authentic but I'll take it from you. I believe you because your story sounds so legit, even though it can't have happened. *Rolling* I don't know. Please tell me this is based on a true story? Thanks for sharing your story. The awardicon is well-deserved. You are a star! *Star* *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
No grammar or typos spotted. Hooray!!!

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* "No Sir, I was on a tour and stopped to look into the Press Room. A gentleman asked me to type something. I did what I was told, Sir"
*Trainp* I know you've always taught me to follow the rules, Ma, but sometimes a bit of rebellion can lead to great things. Maybe, I was inspired by the ghosts of Washington and Jefferson and a few of those who wrote the Declaration of Independence.
*Trainp* One of the men grabbed my arm and growled, "Can you type, boy?"


Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*


*Owl3* General Comments:
It is so endearing that it's all you and your hubby talk about. *Rolling* It's kinda demented as well. A Basset Hound is uber cute! *squeal* I loved everything about your piece, from the way you started your story (a very interesting starting line) and how it just flows through, then finally, how you ended it. The style is unique. I like how you started with a line and then tell a whole story then continue from where you started off, why you guys are talking about poop. I loved how you described your doggie, your hubby and yourself, your thoughts, allowing me to understand everyone a little better. I thought you were talking about a baby at first. I mean, a human baby. It kind of makes sense, of course because a human baby wouldn't have pooped EVERYWHERE. I think. At least. Cheese-eating dog... You feed Boo cheese and she likes it? *Rolling* I love your unexpected punchlines. Who adopted who? *Rolling**Rolling**Rolling* You make me so glad that my hubby and I talk about Game of Thrones, and not... about poop. YET. Thank you for sharing your lovely story! This is one pet story I'd remember for a long time. *Heart* *Star* *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

Suggestions:
No grammar spotted. Hoooray!!!

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* It has been this way since she adopted us more than five years ago.
*Trainp* Boo has a way of glaring at us, if we forget, that makes us remember soon enough.
*Trainp* We never found the foil.


Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of THE ANGRY PATIENT  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
Nice take on this. You rated this as experience. I wonder if you went through the horrendous ordeal of having to wait to be seen by a doctor in the hospital. This is something that would probably go in my mind should I have to wait that long for medical attention and any medical attention needed in a hospital is urgent. This simple dialogue is very real though. It is a problem that happens in my own country, the difference between private and public hospitals. It can even happen in private hospitals where you need to pay lots and lots of money to see a doctor. I found it unique that you translated this to a script play. I wonder if you would expand on this. There are some lack of punctuations though which needs to be looked into. I think you have a strong plot there and nice intro going on there. I do wonder though that if the nurse's badge is that easy to remove. It should be placed on where a man's breast pocket is. Isn't that also considered molestation? Just wondering because I do not know where else a nurse's badge might be. I Googled and yeah, if it's like a clipped on name tag, I guess it is easy to remove but it's still indecent to grab a nurse's badge. I think that guy is in a lot of trouble. *Shock2*

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of I'm Okay  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
I think you are so right. I am one of those guilty of just skimming through my own thoughts when I asked someone else how they are doing when all I am interested in is telling them how I am doing then start judging others for not listening to me then I start hating myself for it. But you see? Here I go again... and you were saying... My first encounter with someone writing about pain is Adrie's. I understand what you mean when you talk about units and it's how Adrie says it when she have to count how many spoons she has at the start of the day and work with it. I've heard of all the conditions you have in Doctor House before (TV series) *Facepalm*. I cannot imagine how one endure so much pain but from what I read, you are so strong! I like how you put in the third person dialogue. It creatively expressed how you felt in a lighter kind of tone. It is difficult to write about a health condition you go through. Some people write it for so many different purposes. Some write to explain to others what's going on, out of love. Some wants more care because, it is so hard to go through this alone, some may want others to notice their pain to cope. A coping mechanism. You tell it so matter-of-fact-ly, I can only flinch at what you go through. I know so little of these conditions and I hope... for some sort of relief. Isn't there any drugs that could help you? Surely, you would have taken it if you could. You are so wise though, trying to look at this at a bigger picture. Thank you for sharing your story. *Hug* *Heart* I hope everyday will be more than okay for you. I like your sentence structure. You write with clarity, with a sense of purpose and you have delivered them well. You made me feel what you could have felt. I can only imagine. *Sad* Rock on, Vivian! *Hug* *Heart*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
Nothing. *Laugh*

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* You asked me, "How are you?" but hardly paused for an answer as you continued on your way. My answer would probably have been "Okay" or "Fine." However, you perhaps should know the truth so that you can have an opportunity to understand my struggles.
*Trainp* “I’m not hurting and feel good, so I must be dead,” was the answer.
*Trainp* How do I feel? At times, I’m overwhelmed, discouraged, hopeless, and helpless; but I’ll try to smile and answer, “I'm okay” as I pray for strength to get through another day. *shrugs* After all, life is what you make it, or rather what I make it.


Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
You know we don't have enough C-Notes or... rather, we can't have enough of C-Notes. Scrap my previous statement. I love how you have C-Notes for all occasions!!! Gahhh!!! There goes my gps! I'm a sucker to C-Notes. I feel that it is a must when you want to whisper sweet nothings to other WDCers. First of all, I give five stars for your creativity and the variety you offer in your C-Notes shop. I should drop by here more often. Next, I have to give you kudos for that super HOT C-Note shop you have! You know exactly what C-Notes we need. Note on NEED and not want. *Laugh* The Booster one is awesome too. I give you another five stars for its aesthetics. Yeah, your C-Notes are so beautiful. I love those postcards too. Your shop is original, unique and caters to all different purposes. An important element to keep your customers coming back for more of your C-Notes. I'm sorry I didn't notice this before. Now, I do, thanks to Game of Thrones. Now go kiss the Iron Throne. *Rolling* Thank you for sharing! *Heart* Thank you for spreading all the positivity throughout WDC, Gaby! You are doing an awesome job! *Heart*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
More... more... more.... errr.... unfortunately... we can't have enough C-Notes. Just kidding. It is enough. Well, can't hurt to have more eh? *Wink*

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Frogs and toads.  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
Rich, I've always loved your sense of humour. I wouldn't know the difference between a toad and a frog but you told me to read a lot so I had to rock it your way and Wikipedia it. Soon. I can't quite distinguish whether your essay is a poem or simply an essay that wants to rhyme at the end of every sentence. I'm thankful to have known you as many WDCers would. I often wondered what's in your head, how you think. You're such a unique individual, it reflects in your writing. You have a sort of style that tell us, "That was written by Rich." Surely, there is something of yours that we can hold and flip? Your writing has a certain charm to it that holds the essence of your personality. It's endearing. You give wise-old tales with, at times, the twist of wit. You are the king of satire. I've known countless of lame jokes but yours are one of class. The famous frog prince may never turn into a prince after all. It is all a lie. Bedtime stories are the best part of childhood. Thank you for sharing your lovely snippets, Rich. *Heart* You've always been clever and I'm a fan of your writings. *Heart* *Star* *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
Nope. Nothing. Maybe... get published if you're not already?

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
For the layman, or the general Joe, or Sue, it is good to know about the things we are told.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
Wow! What an amazing story! I loved how you started your story and how you grabbed my attention with the impossible. How would one ever call God? To be honest, I still don't get what you mean: What is 74J-ESUS? How do you even dial that? I mean, our phones only have numbers... I would like that clarified. There's nothing to say about dialogues since it really took place. I think you pushed your point forward and we understood it well, as readers. I can imagine the shock I would feel if I dialed that number and someone actually answered. *Rolling* Thank goodness you didn't answer, "Uhhh, Jesus? Is that You?" That would turn your story to a comedy. *Rolling* You guys should totally keep in touch! I mean, what a rare way to actually meet someone. Did you find out more about this person? Who he is, what is he like, where he stays, etc? Surely he found your story amazing. Thanks for sharing this lovely story! It is unique and I enjoyed reading it. *Star* *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
No grammar or typos spotted. Hooorayyy!!!

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* I almost fainted when a deep strong male voice said, "Hello."
*Trainp* It was a person whose phone number was 74J-ESUS.


Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
Ahhhh! The ever popular Myer Briggs personality test. It seems like being an extroverted introvert is kind of a trend these past few years. I am an introverted introvert so I am actually kind of envious of extroverted introvert. *Laugh* I think your little essay here has served its purpose. It made me understand what the extroverted introvert means. I think I might be gearing towards there since society has forced me to talk a little bit more i.e. the workplace. I think you have achieved the 4Cs in writing—clarity, concise, coherence and control. Heard that before? Believe me, that is something that I'm trying to achieve as well for non-fiction writing. Your writing is direct, straight to the point, easy to understand and purposeful. It did not confuse me. It clarified what I didn't know about extroverted introvert. Well, would have since I have read this before on the social media. This is a great response to the prompt. Studying personalities is an interesting subject matter especially for us authors. Thank you for sharing this little essay with us! Well done! *Heart*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
No grammar or typos spotted. Hooorayyy!!!

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* So, what do I do? I talk. I talk and talk and talk. Talking is what gives folks the idea that I am an extrovert. How could I possibly be shy when I talk so much? Believe me, it is possible.

Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* General Comments:
What? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! You can't do this! Nooooooooooooooo!!! *throws tantrum* I did not see the end coming at all. It was supposed to be a sweet, romantic story. How could you let it end so cruelly? *Sob* I want to see them get married and live happily ever after. How could a little girl's dream be the cause of their end? Perhaps it was the prophecy of their end. I cannot accept that. What a shock you gave me! *Sob* You know you nailed the story by the way you gave me this truly shocking ending. *sigh* You painted the characters so beautifully. It seemed to be a romance story that is so sweet, it melted my heart. The dialogues were so mushy, so unbelievable. You even included so many symbolisms in your story, the colourful hot air balloons, the dying little girl who drew angels in the sky. Is that a foreboding element in your story? I so did not see it. *Sob* The scene in the clinic was my favourite. I can picture how the characters met and how special that moment felt. I love your descriptions and how you ease us into your plot. Your evil plot! I don't know. I just loved your story so much. I cannot accept the ending. It's such a beautiful ending though. The spectacular colours. Thanks for sharing and well done. *Star* *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*

*Owl3* Suggestions:
*Duck* You wouldn't think twenty-two five-year-olds would be so challenging.
*Duck* Most days, she felt like she was being paid to play.
*Duck* It is a sugar-coated one like you get at a carnival?

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
There are too many but here are some:
*Trainp* The sky was a spectacular robin blue from God's paint set. The wind, a gentle giant, blew them with his softest breath.
*Trainp* Her answer was never heard./ The end came so fast, there was no time for pain or tears./ It was an explosion that lit up the sky. The remains of the balloon was a rainbow of flaming colors.
*Trainp* A golden haired toddler came up to him and offered her worn doll./ "What's her name?" he engaged the child in conversation./ "Suzy."/ "I like that name. She's pretty."/ The child grabbed her doll and ran back to her mother./ He laughed. It was a marvelous laugh./ Jewel knew there was something special about him.


Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Hidden Lies  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is brought to you by "Game of Thrones:
House Florent Image for G.o.T.


*Rainbowl**Rainbowr* GREETINGS! *Rainbowl**Rainbowr*


*Owl3* General Comments:
Hmmmm. I didn't quite buy the story and I had trouble following it the dying man's words. I'm not too sure if it is deliberate. I found Phillip being overly dramatic. Children quarreling over what their father has done in the past when their father might die any time? No matter how spiteful, surely they wouldn't show themselves in front of a dying old man? Okay, that is possible but make me believe it in your story. Either I didn't believe Phillip's character or I disliked him. If I did dislike him, then you did a great job. Unfortunately, I can't quite decide which it is. I personally felt the story was a bit too dramatic which made it kind of forced? So, the plot didn't feel quite natural to me. I don't think the plot is strong enough. I want to like Karen because she is the main character and she is portrayed as independent and strong but I need her characterisation to be painted more vividly for me. I didn't get enough of her so I didn't get engaged to the story, the plot or the characters. Having said that, I do like the ending though. I thought it was a clever twist that Austin married the widow. I would like more clarity in the sentence structure. There are rooms for improvement for the dialogues. I loved your intro. I think it is fresh and original. I honestly think that if the dramatic elements of this story is toned down more, this will make a good story. Overall, there is still room for improvement.This story does have its potential. Thanks for sharing and write on.


*Owl3* Suggestions:
Less on the drama, more on the story to make it more believable? More focus on building on the story and characters.

*Owl3* Favourite Parts:
*Trainp* The bright sun and balmy breeze tempted Karen to turn around and run from the sorrow awaiting her and her brothers at the top of the steps. The house appeared sad to her since her mother’s death, as if it were in mourning. However, it never seemed as full of grief as much as it did...
*Trainp* A smile of remembrance crossed her father’s face. “Ah, yes, you see, Mrs. Dodson was a young widow, and we discovered we had many things in common.” His laugh this time was full of delight. “You called her Momma.”


Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!


*Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
82 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brontosaurus