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Hi Archi
Thank you for the opportunity to review “The Cold - Section 1", and thank you for your willingness to share your thoughts and ideas. Please know that as the writer, you always have the last say on your work, and you are under no obligation to follow my suggestions or, indeed, take any notice of anything I say. These are just my opinions, for what they are worth.
I'm impressed. This story is well written and tears apart the inner thoughts of its protagonist, but I'd like to add a couple of caveats. I haven't read either "Jane Eyre" or "The Catcher in the Rye". My misfortune, no doubt, but it does limit my understanding somewhat, and this could be an issue for other readers. Secondly, as this is a part of a whole, reviewing becomes somewhat problematic. We can't see the whole plot, and there is bound to be some further character development. Still, with those constraints, I think you have crafted a very worthwhile chapter.
IMHO, there are two basic components to any story, the form and the content. So far as form (grammar, spelling, punctuation, syntax and word choice) goes, I can find no problems at all. If this was the sole criterion, I'd give the story five stars. But it isn't, and it is in the area of content that I start to worry.
Here, IMHO (again) there are three components, plot, the story line itself and characterisation. Most stories are a blend of plot driven and character driven, emphasising one aspect or the other. My problem with a plot in "The Cold - Section 1" is that I couldn't really find one. In some stories, take light "Mills & Boon" type romance, the plot is usually ridiculously simple - boy meets girl (or vice versa), instant attraction, they get closer together, they fight, they make up, HEA. In other genres, plots are more complex, but here, I couldn't find a reason for the story, a sense of what is happening and why, some idea of just what Tom is driving at and how first Jade and secondly, Becky, fit into the story. Because of this, I had a very quick look at "Section 2", but that didn't greatly help with its emphasis on David and then Anna. But one thing did stand out. There was only one reference to Jade in Section 2, but this seems important, "I sat imagining how many perfectly tolerable – though imperfect – circumstances had been hounded out of my life by the evil spectre of idealism. This thought fostered and developed until I saw the face of this ghost in my mind’s eye; it was Jade." Okay, so by Section 2, we have a glimpse of a plot; Tom is measuring all his other female companions against an idealised Jade. Okay, but we're still only on Section 1; this is a perfect example of the pitfalls of reviewing one chapter of a more detailed, complex novel. It's almost, dare I say it, like trying to review one chapter of "David Copperfield" - or "Jane Eyre" 
This, in itself, creates another problem for me. From the start, we are pitchforked into a conversation between Tom and Jade, without knowing anything of their history. Tom, in spite of apparently believing that he wants to/can/should develop a relationship with Jade, a young woman he hardly knows, then sets out to emulate one of literature's less sympathetic characters, Mr Rochester. Jade is less than impressed - but the Tom/Jade relationship appears to end there. In passing, I found it difficult to know what happened on the train. Did they travel together for some distance, or did Tom leave the train before it left the station? Some back story about the Tom/Jade relationship might be useful.
Perhaps more significantly, the story line itself appears to go nowhere. We have a diversion into a field and rusting farm machinery, then to a pool into which Tom apparently steps, but it is difficult to understand the relevance of this to an overall story. Tom then reaches a town where he meets Becky in a bar where there is an anecdote about a specific copy of "The Catcher in the Rye", but, again, its relevance is IMHO (and I need to emphasize again that this is only my opinion) questionable.
Tom and Becky then have dinner, and it is following this that we get a glimpse of Tom's motivations, incredibly crass though they may be. "Yes, Becky was attractive – nobody could deny that – but did I really feel as though she could improve me or better me in any meaningful way? Acutely aware that the answer to this last question was a no, I began to resent her almost as much as I resented myself. This was a stupid thing to have spent the evening doing, and it was all Becky’s fault for approaching me yesterday. I had neither sought nor desired this; I had been swept up in somebody else’s game, and now it was time for me to take control of my own circumstance once more." Now, I have to be careful here. My instinctive reaction has been that I wanted to give Tom a big slap and tell him to get his act together - "all Becky's fault!!!". I suspect that is a mark of the quality of the writing, but Tom is clearly an archetypal anti-hero, for whom I could feel nothing but disgust. IMHO, he has no redeeming features, and the idea that anybody else could "redeem or better him" is ridiculous. At the end of it all, Becky sees Tom clearly for what he is, " I see that you’re just in a really bad place and I just think you need to sort yourself out." Amen.
This leads on to the issue of characterisation, and because Tom is painted, maybe paints himself in such a negative, almost narcissistic light, I found it difficult to establish any clear and positive sense of who he is. Tom appears to be in thrall to an idealised view of Jade (again, someone that apparently, he hardly knows), measuring Becky against her, rather than taking Becky on her merits. Becky seems more straightforward - she sees something positive in Tom, although it is difficult to discern what exactly. But she is left in the snow by Tom, who has decided that she doesn't measure up on the Jade scale and walks off.
Archi, I should also say that your writing is actually quite dense, quite complex and may benefit if you simplified it. For example, "I was unjustifiably frustrated that she had got a compliment in first, as it meant that I felt I could no longer offer my own celebration of beauty without it seeming simply as though I were acting out of an acquired sense of obligation. My frustration, though severe, did not, however, prevent me from taking great satisfaction in her words, and a smile found its way onto my face." I know how dangerous it can be to rewrite another author's work, but might I suggest something like, "Becky's quick compliment frustrated my wish to be the first, but I still felt a glow of pleasure from her words, which made me smile." I'm not saying that complex writing is bad writing, but that you run the risk of losing your reader if you wrap your ideas in too many words.
I have one other comment in this general area. I read the story two or three times, and one thing nibbled at the edge of my mind before I understood what it was. You have limited any reference to emotions, particularly strong emotions, throughout Section 1. For instance, when Becky meets Tom for breakfast after having been left in the cold, I would have expected her to feel angry, or one of its "scale variants", cross, upset, indignant, annoyed, or even furious. Almost certainly embarrassed, rejected, cheated, devalued, blamed, or any of a dozen more. All we know is that there is a chill between them. And Tom is so wrapped up in himself, Jane Eyre, The Catcher in the Rye and a hopelessly compromised ideal of Jade that we see almost no powerful emotion stemming from Tom, even when an attractive young woman just about throws herself at him.
One final issue, Archi; the degree of action seems to be muted, IMHO (last time). Yes, there is the incident in the train with Jade and the time with Becky, but little that moves the story along in ways that will capture the reader's imagination - and hold it with a desire to turn to the next page.
Archi, I know it appears as if I have been highly critical in this review, but I hasten to say that this is not designed to denigrate your efforts, but to highlight areas where IMHO (REALLY the last time) some improvements may be made. I also need to highlight, once again, that I recognise that this is only the first chapter of what may become a full scale model, and therefore comments on plot and characterisation may need subsequent amendment. The technical quality of your writing suggests a real potential and I would sincerely hope that you will continue with your efforts.
Regards
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| (4.5)
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. It has been a pleasure from end to end, so, if I may, I'd like to close by copying your closing. Blessed be.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
. No, seriously for a minute, this is a most interesting piece, but as a certified, card carrying early bird, I find the conclusions somewhat disappointing. My partner is a night owl, and it does lead to some complications from time to time.
). I guess it helps to know these things, although, equally, I doubt if there's anything we can do about it. Besides, who wants to be a night owl anyway 
. I'm tempted to suggest you "Write On" but I doubt that anything will stop you. Thank goodness.
. Also, a capital “J” for “Jade’s” in your first paragraph.
.
