I love these thoughts of yours. I think most if not all the world would agree that the world could use a few more Mary's. So why are there so few? Selfishness? Busyness? Wrong priorities? I fear I am guilty of these and others.
Maybe there are more Mary's out there than we know. Maybe we actually do a poor job of noticing them? Or perhaps we desire to be like Mary ourselves and often fail?
I think the key and the beauty your writing here is that it reminds us to "not grow weary in doing good" and to be steadfast in the work, and the joy, of living out the image of Christ in our generation.
First let me say that I liked the story. It made me think. And it is more than a little creepy. And judging from what is going on in our world today, more than possible.
Creepy things:
1) "not finishing carbon noodles" - lets punish kids into overeating - a terrible practice that should have died out long ago but apparently makes it into the future.
2) “You will stay there until I feel you’ve atoned for your sin of wasting food.” - No standard time limit - just until "I feel" - totally subjective to moms mood or emotions - as if she can determine the length of time arbitrarily by how she "feels". Way creepy.
3) "virtual reality suit and helmet" - there is actually equipment that must worn to be punished by a future mother. Apparently the suit will transmit whatever pain or discomfort is intended to the brain of a child. Probably seen as better than spanking because mom does not actually touch her child. No! She is sanitized. Like some nazi commandant gesturing with a finger to shoot helpless captives.
4) "cold, snowy scene" - Eve is dreading the cold. What parent sends a child outside into the snow and cold as punishment. totally creepy!
5)“Can I take Teddy with me?” - she knows she goes in alone to have her senses assaulted, and desires her only companion - someone with unconditional love to go along. She has to ask for her bear. What a life she must have endured under this tyrant called "mommy".
6)Mom smiled and knelt next to her only daughter. She put her arm around Eve for a moment and then said, “No.” - we are set up to hear mom say "sure honey", but then, smiling at her daughter, with arm around her she says "No" - Creepy, Creepy, Creepy - glad she only had one child.
I like the story. I like stories that make us think. I like stories of the future both near and far. So often the future is portrayed as either extremely evil or an amazing utopia. The future in your story Creepy, and apparently quite normal in it's time - Double Creepy!
I am pleased to offer a review of your charming story. I am not skilled enough to offer any technical advice. I simply know what I like.
First, I love your use of white space. I also use a lot of white space and I believe it makes the story so much more readable. Especially if the story moves a long at a good clip.
Second, The characters are quite endearing as we can see ourselves clearly in each one, as we seek to imagine ourselves to be them at that moment. What would we say? What would we do?
The dialogue is clever and logical. It seems it is always tempting to make and elf or a pixie or some other cute being into a grouch or an evil character. You did not do that, thankfully. We see an elf with the same heart and mind as our own seeking to deal with a desperate situation.
Third, I love to imagine what animals are thinking and saying to one another and to us humans. So I love your little story here on many levels.
Fourth, Having read the short story up to the last line, I was anticipating a clever and entertaining ending. I was a little disappointed at first but then caught myself thinking: "What would I wish for?"
So now I am not disappointed, and must share with you what I would wish for. "I wish the little elf and his bunny, Mike, would come and visit me as often as they liked."
Bravo for a good story. I will read more of your work.
I am privileged to offer a review of this piece. Please know that these are my opinions only and in no way are they offered to disparage or criticize your work.
What I liked: The story is quite wonderful. The setting is the forest, walking alone at dusk. You had me there walking with you. I would have been scared even before seeing the "golden shining eyes" - I was intrigued that the character was not scared but seemed calm. The wolf seemed calm. Both were inquisitive. Then he turned and walked away and vanished. I was there at that moment. Thanks for a great little story. Keep writing!
Suggestions: - a little white space goes far in readability in my opinion. It is difficult to read a large block of print.
For example:
I was the forest, heading home from work, it was 11pm, and it was getting extremely dark and cold. I was striding back, hoping to get home quickly, you never know what lies in that forest.
Just as i was about to reach the gate of my house, i heard something unusual, like a crunch from a twig, or a rustle in the bushes, it was both of those things, and as i went to look around i saw two golden shining eyes looking at me near a tree, why it was a wolf, and for the first time, since i had been walking in this forest for 15 years, never had a i seen a grey wolf. I didnt even know there was one.
I stared at the wolf, and it stared back, and i almost felt we had some type of a connection between each other. The wolf made no movement qnd neither did I, if i made one move, i was worried the wolf would come for me and attack me.
You get the idea - this is just my opinion and others may give you good direction as well. Beyond that there were a few typos to go in and correct but overall it was quite a wonderful piece.
I feel so blessed to have read this story. Artfully crafted and beautifully told we identify with everyone of the characters.
I lost my mother after her being many days in a coma. I often wondered what she could hear and feel as we sat with her and spoke to her. This story gives me hope that she knew everything.
Most likely if you are a Nurse, you have many many stories waiting to get out. Please write them. You will bless so very many I am sure!
I am pleased to offer a review of this piece. I am not a professional at grammar or punctuation. I have no qualifications to judge style or content. I simply know what I like.
I like this very much. I was born in 1957. While it was eventually proved that I was too young to participate in Viet Nam (just) - I lived in it's shadow for my entire upbringing.
As a young adult after the war ended, I read voraciously all that I could by those who had been there. I needed to understand what so many had been sucked into that I had somehow been saved, after a lifetime of assuming I would be drafted. I believe most, if not all that I read was true and quite gritty. Occasionally though, I would read something like your piece here and be taken deeper than the soldiers experience and into the experience of those who loved him.
The use of the wind to take us from the battlefield to the lonely bridge with the girl left behind is masterful. IMHO - You begin with the horrors of the aftermath of terrible conflict, the wind beginning with the stench of death, moving along it's journey to a point of being almost cleansed or redeemed, only to arrive at the little bridge and the tender love of a girl who will never see her beloved again. The wind can only be cleansed to a point. It's the words "We regret to inform you" that sing with the stench of death now.
Thank you and keep writing in this vein. You have knack for it.
I am pleased to offer a review on this piece. Aha! I was a little slow to get it at the end. Perhaps I had not had time to enjoy my morning coffee and routine yet?
What a wonderfully poignant description of so many of us "shhh! No talking please" morning people. I find the story well written and very descriptive. So many questions left for us to think about. If only the cat had not missed the box. If only the neighbors were nicer? If only Jim wasn't so chipper? Maybe he would still be alive.
Thank you for an enjoyable read. My morning was brighter. Perhaps I won't need to use the sleeping powder today.
I am privileged to offer a review of this piece. Please know that these are just my opinions and are not designed to disparage the piece in any way.
I really liked this story. It is short with just enough description to let my mind fill in rest. The characters come to life, seem real, and give us a snapshot into their lives.
Grammar seems good to my less than trained eye. If I were to offer any suggestion it would be as follows:
"You’ve got to be kidding me." and "What are the odds?" seem to be internal thoughts and I would thus put them in italics.
Overall a very nice story that begs to be made into a larger piece.
First let me say that I greatly enjoyed the story. It is wonderful to see interesting but kind characters, and how they interact, contrasted with the unkind and therefore un-interesting characters.
We all want to see ourselves a a "Kind" character. We all want to think that we would be the little girl with the big, loving heart.
But too often we realize we are not. And we make attempts to be a better person. That is a real power in this story.
The payoff of the 7.2 million is wonderful and we are happy for the family. But somehow we also understand that the little girl and her mother neither expected, nor needed the payoff to love the way they did.
Wow! I really liked it. The opening dialogue between Ben and his wife set the stage nicely. I really wanted to know what was going on. The suspense grew throughout the rest of the piece.
Nice job overall! I look forward to reading more of your work.
The creepiest part was Mikes calm demeanor. Especially the last question.
Hello Samii, I am privileged to offer a review of your story.
What I like: - it is a very touching story about parents and children and how easy adults can injure a child. A good reminder to all of us to take special care with them.
Some suggestions: The translation from Spanish to English is good enough for me to understand the story. But some more help with translation is needed.
Hello, I am pleased to offer a review on this piece. I absolutely loved this. What a hoot!. People who love cats (me) or those who don't will both get a kick out of this. Very cute piece. This is wonderful! please write more.
Hello, I am privileged to offer a review of your piece. As a children's adventure story I think it is very good. You do an amazing job of setting the scene and the characters. You don't have a lot of description and yet I see it all very well in my minds eye. This is key for children. They want to "see" it all but they may not wade through long descriptions.
Also the story moves along at a good clip. With interesting new things happening continually. As a well illustrated children's book I think it would be grand.
The only thing I might change, and this is purely my individual opinion and should not be taken as criticism. Rather than the desire for a "new" mum and dad, I think I would have the children hold out hope for a reformed mum and dashing new hero of a dad.
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