This is a wonderfully optimistic passionate piece! Thank you for this fine vision. I am so impressed with the way you built your story and made the climax so true. The only troubles I had with the reading came in your third stanza when you seemed to drift away from the personal statement you were making into a more universal tone. I suggest you might want to consider It's instead of It and our replacing the on the second line of the stanza continuing with this trend I'd delete up in the third line and replace the with this. But, I am a busybody! Carlo, this has tremendous lyrical strength and I do hope you will keep writing your visions and help us all build this better world. Sincerely, Callie 137
You know, I really love sermons that are respectful, spoken in everyday words and that come from unexpected sources. To me, when I hear God's word coming through loud and clear, that's a sermon. The fact that you are speaking from your faith and experience makes this reading experience even more eloquent. Your knowledge as a reader shines brightly in your beginning quote. The fact that there is no muddling around with the point you want to make-- life is difficult and unexpected always-- makes your point shining bright as the Lord God himself.
I had always believed myself to be a solid Christian. It wasn't until a disastrous year (mom had a massive stroke, dad had a heart attack and then my daughter fell down our stairs and had a subdural hematoma, that I learned the true meaning of Thy Will be Done. It is hard for this stiff necked Yankee woman to surrender, but well ma'am as you said " that's how the survive any storm." Thank you for your wonderful reminder. You don't need to change a thing.
It six in the morning and I!ve just finished reading your commentary ...God's not finished with me yet. I love the fact that you are so rock solid in your faith that you can question your own self's behavior and be wry about your failings,but be very loving in your observances of others. I struggle every day to keep my tart words to myself and let love and compassion rule the day and my behavior.
Your words are beautifully organized. I feel as though I have shared a part of life's road with you after reading your well thought and eloquent prose. Thank you.
This is an exquisite piece of writing, in my opinion. We have an artist who has studied her subject, the night and her beautiful mysteries.
She has loved and cherished it as the dear friend it has become. Here is where you mother shows her mastery of the subject: Like all mysterious and beautiful gifts, the more we know, the less we know. Her joy in understanding that this particular beloved would always be surprising and new, makes me so happy you had such a gifted teacher.
There is nothing that could be improved here.
This is a wonderful Senryu! I really enjoyed your point counterpoint of the dreaminess of summer days and the hot tartness I always felt reaching for the hose, the anticipation of the relief of water, while I keep the tension in mind of the quest for more information. Superb!
Unrequited love is the pits. But you have elevated this longing and distress quite nicely. Are you thinking of putting this to music? I think it could work so well, especially your recurring chorus it's not a single trait, it's your everything that's you. I worry about my fellow writers and hope that you aren't referencing personal pain. If so, please know there's a community that is caring and helpful. Thank you for the pleasure of reading your work.
Dear Webster, the anticipatory.tension you describe was beautifully crafted. Sadly, I have had too many mornings like that myself. Is it a comfort to know the great Tolkein was rejected as well? Some days. You have a compelling talent and I'm certain I'll be enjoying lots of your items. My suggestions are few, but think you might consider removing The phrase With coffee in hand and then later on in that paragraph I was waiting for. Welcome to writers. Love, Callie
This is a darn fine story. I found it very visual, which is a relief. I would have enjoyed seeing what your characters looked like. What color hair did Beth have? Was she plump, skinny, smoking hot, what did her smile look like? Why was the land lady such a grump? How did she express it physically? Was Jim, the handyman slow-moving or efficient? You get my point I am sure. Your action within the story was really well done and I loved his conversations with his Dad. Apparently there is a lot of back story there which could lengthen this delightful short into a worthy novelette. Keep up the good work T. Buck! I'd love to see an edit of this.
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Oh my gosh! I had such a good time with your wonderful romp of a story! Your sense of dialogue is spot on- especially when the two women start shouting at each other. You proved the maxim that all humor begins in pain. I also feel it reigns supreme when you are surprised. I love your delicate touches, such as cookies in the oven and a mundane setting for the real deal. Thanks for a great read. I expect to see a slightly longer version in print soon.
Dear Drifter,
I wish I could hear your voice, because the warmth of your love comes shining through to me. The way you tell the story of the inspirational woman who raised you and your brothers and sisters will linger with me. I agree with her philosophy Drifter and I wasn't even as lucky as she. I have only raised one daughter, but love and gratitude do seem to outweigh my natural tendencies to grumble and grump. I really liked the way you compared and contrasted assist stations at work to family and friend units. You are quite right. We are all just waiting for the opportunity to love and be loved. It seems to me your Mother spent every last breath sharing God's joy and teaching you it is just fine to be your own perfect self. What a remarkable woman and I am quite certain you will spread that wisdom with your spoken and written words.
Well my goodness. If I can't spread love and encouragement to my own group what kind of self aware steam punking wordsmith would I be? I hope this will be a fabulous event and am looking forward to the happiness that creativity in the darkness of the year produces.
I really enjoyed your therapy sesssion and hope I'll hear great news about a successful submission on your part. The only sour note I heard was your adverb," shamefacedly". The best thing any writer can do is give up any ly words. They simply aren't necessarily serving any good function for a story teller. (ly words put in to make you laugh, I hope), My other commentary is that your dialogue is simply outstanding but I would enjoy seeing a little bit more of what the characters look like, what happened when the sh*t hit the fan so to speak, and who was bending over and panting. I'm sure you saw it clearly: take the time and let me see it as well. Fight scenes are fun to write. Especially when you have such lively characters.
Okay. I think you have a great story in mind and somehow the descriptive words have gotten in your way. I am a very visual reader and found myself stumbling when you say Aquila had short hair that she then braided. To borrow from a Princess Bride, "Inconceivable" Why would she keep socks on if she removed her shoes? Rather than mention a brand name, I suggest you say "sneakers" or since your story is in London you'd say trainers. How did she release the railing? Do you mean she leapt from the railing? So, my suggestion is this: write it as you see the action. Let me see your redo- you've got some lively and creative ideas here and your story will be fun to read.
Well I am not going to enjoy a milk shake for a while... Great job. I hope you will finish this story because it truly is horrifying and i need to know that the children are redeemed and the bad ones are crushed completely. Please let me know if you do finish this, I'd love to see how it turns out. Thanks for a big chill.
While you have described plenty of action in this flash fiction, I could not get involved with Josh's fear or immediacy and here is what I think the problem might be. I could see him moving, but I couldn't hear, feel, taste or get a kinesthestic sense of your hero. I think if you could involve one or more tactile descriptions, then you've a got story with a person who is more than one dimension. The shadow and sense of doom you projected were good. Keep it up. I hope you'll get him out of this fix and away from this horrible creature.
I feel that you have a great passion in exploring this very large idea of spiritual evolution. I can see a wonderful novel growing from this premise. In my mind's eye, this was our story teller's first glimpse of all the people she/he has been and will be through the lives that must be lived to achieve perfection and perhaps this individual's complete determination to remember some of the previous lives, connect with beloved past soul's that have been found in this lifetime and make the connection to grow together in the future? Adrift, keep writing and expanding your universe. And don't apologize. It's your world that you're creating. Keep up the good work.
I really enjoyed the opening stanzas of your poem. Your illusions were strong and evocative. I would love to see you work this skipping stone theme throughout your work and maybe discuss the ripples you've made across your time and relationships? I guess I am looking for more continued action rather than reflection since you have such a strong sense of demonstrable imagery in your cache. Thank you for the pleasure of reading your work.
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