You express the pain of loss very well. Beautiful imagery. I particularly liked "subtle silhouette." There is however a technical problem. In the first stanza you rhyme lines 1 and 3, while in the remainder of the poem it is lines 2 and 4 which rhyme. Perhaps you might want to take a look at it and see if you can't rework the first stanza so that you have a consistent rhyme scheme?
Love and Light, Candace
this is a moving piece, but I'm not sure I would call it poetry. You need to watch your spelling. Also, the word is disENheartened. Keep writing; it only gets better!
Love and light, Candace
As always, your poem is moving and thought-provoking. I think that the first two stanzas need a little work on punctuation and capitalization. Other than that, I found that your poem flows well, and definitely gets your message understood. Keep writing; I look forward to seeing one of your poems posted. I know I'm in for a treat. Love and light, Candace
(typo in line 3 - should be "an old soul") this is a good poem that could be a lot better with the addition of punctuation. You say you like the way this poem "flows," but that's because you know where to pause. You don't give your reader a clue. I strongly advise that before you submit a poem, you read it aloud, and put in the appropriate punctuation. When you pause, put in a comma, or a period, or a semi-colon. This will tell your reader where to pause, and the flow will be obvious. I just hate to see such a potentially good poem be only average because you neglected the punctuation that poetry needs just as much as (if not more than) prose. Perhaps with your next poem, you'll try punctuating it, and see how people react. Keep on writing; it only gets better, and there's obviously some talent there. Love and light, Candace
(b) my review has been submitted for consideration in {item: 451035}.{/b}
You did a very credible job working with a scheme that is rather demanding. I'm a dog-lover myself, and you definitely conveyed the importance of one's companions. A dog is the only unconditional love that you can buy. I was pleased to see the use of punctuation -- a skill which seems to be dying out, but which is so important in establishing the rhythm of a poem. ?Runtzkie? Oh, well, we once had a tiny Yorkie named Goliath, so who am I to talk? Love and light, Candace
There is indeed a lot of evil in the world, and this is a nicely-done presentation of one perspective. Some of your "word-pictures" are powerful. I think that you need to work on your prosody. Even free verse needs a sense of rhythm and flow, which your poem unfortunately lacks. The first three lines start out ok (small typo line 2 should start "You're") line 4 is too long -- it could be broken into two lines, perhaps adding a word or two. line 6 is a bit too long, but line 7 is clearly one that could be broken into two (or three) enjambed lines. You wouldn't lose the continuity, so long as you don't put any punctuation at the end of the lines (and they certainly wouldn't need it)
I very much liked the concluding three lines.
Keep writing; it only gets better! Love and light, Candace
Certainly your poetry reveals your "butterfly." This is a poignant piece that brings tears to my eyes, and a prayer that this is fiction, not real. Technically, it's pretty good. I think that towards the bottom, I would change it a bit
"a vision of curiosity,
sometimes horror...
But all I see is
A misshappen cocoon"
and then continue as you've done. Those two lines seem to me to be too long. They don't fit the style that you've established throughout the poem to that point.
Love and light, Candace
Beautifully crafted. I would only change one thing in the entire poem, and that is that I would capitalize the "i." (Probably a typo). Since I have blue eyes and blonde hair, it pleases me that you see this as beautiful. Love and light, Candace
Very nicely done. In stanza 3, line 2, I would put a comma between "them" and "sad." Among other things, it would make the line a little longer, to fit with line 1. In the same stanza, line 4 is quite a bit longer than the others. Would you consider a change such as:
"Sad that I won't ever get to talk to you,
Or say how much love I had for you."
Also, in the interest of scansion, perhaps in line 4 of stanza 2, you might insert the word "I" -- "Instead I sat and I cried." The meter would then match line 3.
Also, you might consider doing something with stanza 1, to keep it in line with the rhyme scheme that you use throughout the rrest of the poem.
OK. Enough for the technical "stuff." You have done a very good job of relaying the feeling of mourning for the loss of a loved one -- quite some time ago, I gather. I laud your loyalty to your loved one, that you still think about him/her every day. It must have been a terrible loss, and I'm sorry that you had to go through it. And I'm sad that you had to be "strong." Love and light, Candace
I get the impression that English is not your native tongue from the number of grammatical errors in this poem. I strongly suggest that you have a friend who's really strong on grammar help you with your poems before you present them to be read. Your idea is good, and some of your imagery is excellent, but the grammatical errors and lack of punctuation keep this from a higher rating. Well punctuated and with the grammatical errors fixed, this would definitely be an above-average poem. Sorry for the tough review, but we are all here to learn, right? Every poem is a work in progress, even if it's been published. Keep on writing; it only gets better. Love and light, Candace
WOW. "Summer" was not a fluke. Again, this is a well-crafted poem. Perfect. As a "bug" on the subject of punctuation,, I wish that everyone would take a look at this poem, and how the punctuation leads the reader into the proper "flow." You're terrific, and definitely belong on my "favorites" list! I may not always R&R, but I'll be reading, for sure.
This is a poignant, moving poem. There's something about the last stanza that interrupts the flow of the poem. I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps if you reversed the order of lines three and four? I don't know for sure, but play with it. Other than that is the fact that you didn't punctuate. Poetry, like prose, need punctuation to help the reader know where to pause. And this poem NEEDS the pauses. It would be so much more powerful if the first stanza read
You left me.
My heart shrank - (or a period)
A fist in my chest (you don't want the pause)
Gripping on tighter,
Aching.
The repetition of "My heart shrank" is very effective.
All in all, it is a well-crafted piece. I understand that no punctuation may just be your "style," but I really believe that it would take a good poem and make it a better one. Love and light, Candace
Since you're writing in free verse, why not make line divisions where they naturally go? e.g. line 1/2 "It's a motion,/small tight curves, rattling in wrist,/under tongue, flutter in spine,/fingernails, hairline;" You'll find that you're developing a meter almost without trying. Then, if you want, go for the meter. Change words, phrases, to fit your metrical scheme. It's good to see punctuation, but follow your punctuation into a better poem, and this could be a good one. Love and light, Candace
I don't often give a perfect rating, but I wouldn't change a word. This is a powerful poem, made more so by your use of visual effects. This was written fourteen years ago? I have to visit your portfolio and see how you had developed from this incredible point. Favorite authors? Of course! Please continue to share. Love and light, Candace
God knows, Sharon, that I hope this isn't true, that it's just an exercise in writing a euology. Your imagery about the feather was immaculate and very moving. I'm going to run out of superlatives on this one. God be with you, now and always. Love and light, Candace
It sounds like Dennis was a hell of a guy. I have one small comment. The last word in line3, stanza3 should be "fantasies". I'll keep this short; I want to read part 2. Love and light, Candace
Hi, there, shy poet. Haven't seen you for a little while. Line five would be more exciting (I think) if
you broke it up.
They became so excited
they started knocking each other
down the stairs,
rolling,
tumbling,
rolling down!
You might even think of some more words, so that your word PICTURE looks like a set of stairs that they a falling down. Sometimes the visual is a great device to use. You're doing better with the punctuation, although you missed a few opportunities for periods and commas.
All in all, a very nice piece. Love and light, Candace
A very sad poem; I pray this isn't a real-life situation that you're in. Couple of types -- line3, stanza2 -- there should be no apostrophe in "one's" Line 1, stanza 3 -- "promis" needs a final "e". Again, this ia a poignant poem made more so by the quesiton in my mind; is this fact or fiction? Please reply, because if it is for real -- either you or a loved one -- I'd like to put you in my prayers. Love and light, Candace
Superb! You have really captured and conveyed that incredibly unsure feeling of being in love. It's such a rocky slope, with so many opportunties of sliding down or falling off, and the whole form of a relationship can be changed by that simple word "yes." Bravo, for a poem simply and beatuifully rendered. Love and light, Candace
Very nicely done! If thsi is an example of a "hurried" poem, I'd love to see one that you spent more time on. I hope your cousin fares well through this hurricane. Love and light, Candace
Sometimes less is more. This reminds me of one of my poems "Stranger in the Mirror." If I haven't posted it I will, along with "Jigsaw," which I think is my shortest poem. If I may, I'd like to suggest that you might break up your first stanza into at least three, preferably four, shorter lines. You've caught that feeling that we often get when we're approaching glass doors, and the person in the reflection doesn't look at all how we feel. I think it's a universal feeling, expressed well here. Love and light, Candace
I'm glad that you're trying our genre. But poetry is not prose "written funny." I like the message that you carry. It is so true. AT first we call and write often, maybe even visit, but then over time, there is more and more time between calls, and life interrupts with new relationships and experiences, and our connection gets stretched thin, but hopefully never breaks. Reminds me of an old Girl Scout song "Make new friends/but keep the old/ one is silver/ but the other's gold."
May I make a suggestion. Take a look in my portfolio for Poetry 101. There are two "lessons" there that might help you. But whatever you do, keep on writing; it only gets better. And READ poetry. I always have a book of poetry tucked in my purse for waits in doctors' offices, etc. sometimes I try to imitate the style of a poem that I particularly like. Most of the time I fail miserably, but once in a while I really "get it," and that feels so good. So READ and WRITE. And WELCOME to POETRY. Love and light, Candace
(b) my review has been submitted for consideration in {item: 45100035}.{/b}
YOu convey that feeling of "this can't be real," that so many of us felt when we heard the news. You remind us of the long history of Great Britain, and that she has been attacked before (though never in such a sneaky dirty way as the terrorists employ). I love the alliteration in line 1 of stanza 4; very effective. Thank you for sharing with us. Love and light, Candace
Definitely not up to the standard set by "Thoroughbred." This poem is rough. I see by the date that this was written fifteen years ago. I don't know when "Thoroughbred" was written, but I suspect that this poem represents one of your earlier efforts, while the other shows where you are today -- far more polished in your craft. Goes to show what I alway say: "Keep on writing; it only gets better." Love and light, Candace
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