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82 Public Reviews Given
91 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Dadi  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is poignant, and I fear it's from personal experience. If so, I am so sorry for you. Please capitalize the "i"s I understand that they convey the low self-esteem of the neglected child, but I still think you'd do better to use the capital. The line "I don't see ... " is a bit awkward. It doesn't quite scan. Perhaps you could shorten it, or, on the other hand, lengthen it and make it two lines. Write on!
Love and light, Candace
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Review of The Thoroughbred  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (5.0)
Terrific. You conveyed the excitement of being at a race course. Your bouncy rhythm built the anticipation of the starting gun. Your prosody is flawless. Thank you for sharing this with us! Love and light, Candace
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Review of AN ODE TO PAIN  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (3.0)
Khalish, I wish that you wouldn't constrain yourself to a particular formet right now. Allow yourself a little more freedom, and I think your poetry would be better.
OK, here goes. Stanza 1, line 2 - "What will (or "would") the world without you be?" Stanza 2, line 2 - omit the first comma. Stanza 3 - The sense conveyed is superb, but the lines are awkward to read. Stanza 5 - excellent
Stanza 6 - line 2 is clumsy. It needs something, but I'm not exactly sure what. Stanzas 6&7 - fine.
Love and light, Candace
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Review of DISTANT SHADOWS  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think perhaps the format constrained you. Your sentences are often very awkward; the word placement is strange. This could be a much better poem if you went back and corrected the forced style. I liked the first stanza, but then came up against "What I did? What I did not/do that I ought to have done?" Although it would still need work, simply changing the word order of the first three words would help a lot. "What did I? What did I not..." Anyway, write on -- it only gets better with practice. Love and light, Candace
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Review by candaceb
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked this a lot, but the last stanza threw me. Actually, not the last stanza, but the last line. And then the coda needs another word or syllable to make it scan. Nice work; I will definitely read you again when you pop up on screen. Love and light, Candace
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Review of Dream  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting. It's nice to see a poem so well punctuated. Somehow, it doesn't sound like a nightmare. "A really weird dream, maybe" sounds more like it. Check out th enext-to-last line. It doesn't start with a capital, even though the line before ended with a period. Either the line before needs a comma, or you need to start the line in question with a capital. Technically very good.
Love and light, Candace
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Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have a big smile on my face. I, too, have a guardian angel; her name is Aeriel. She keeps watch over the Little Onces who have been put to bed in the Safe House, when there are no bad dreams, or Monsters to haunt their nights. Her special care is needed for the Littlest Ones - the ones who were too young when the abuse occurred to have words for what was happening to them. Often, one of them sitrs in the night, shadows of the past running over her. Ariel takes her in her arms and rocks her quiet and calm again, then puts her back to bed.
Love and Light, Candace
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Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful imagery. I see those strong young bodies and their struggle. I loved the lines "My soul senses their struggle/Embracing the battle as my own." (You need a comma at the end of the first line). As a matter of fact, the only thing holding me back from giving this a 5 is punctuation errors throughout. My suggestion always is that before you submit a poem, you read it aloud, and sense where you are pausing, even though there is no puctuation mark to indicate such a pause. Insert the appropriate punctuation, THEN submit it for reading and reviewing. Keep on writing. This was VERY GOOD. Love and light, Candace


(b) My review has been submitted for consideration in .{/b}
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Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.5)
Poignant, yet filled with the anger so many of use felt that day and in the ensuing days. Yes, until that day, we felt invulnerable. For the first time, we were touched by the evils of terrorism. You might want to take a look at my "Twin Towers Revisited," written last year. Love and light, Candace
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Review of Images Of Jesus  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful imagery. Reminds me of "Thoughts of God", which I'm now going to post. Be careful with your punctuation; you use it rather inconsistently. In one stanza, it will be fine, in another sorely lacking. Write on! Love and light, Candace
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Review of You And Me  
Review by candaceb
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Poignant. You do a good job of pulling the reader into your pain. But you need punctuation, and to work on scansion. Some of the lines are awkward, and it is obvious that you are too good a poet to allow that to happen. Read the poem aloud. Put in punctuation where is needs to be (e.g. - a comma where you naturally pause). And read it again, paying attention to how the lines flow or worse, how they have to be forced. Then look for another word or phrase. Remember that every poem is a work in progress. You show great talent; don't let a poem that could be GREAT be just better-then-average.
Hope that I helped. Love and light, Candace
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Review by candaceb
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is not the kind of book that I would normally pick up to read, but I was captivated. Your use of reverie is very effective, and I don't know how I would change anything except that I grew uncomfortable over how often Aaron Matthew was referred to simply as the baby, the infant, the child, etc.
I SO appreciated not running into mechanical errors such as spelling and punctuation. I'ts nice to see a "final copy" of something that is actually not requiring editing/proofing.
HOpefully I'll be able to come back some day when I have time for a relaxing read. right now I'm doing a research paper on the psychopathology of St. Teresa of Avila, as well as my own exegesis of the Gospel of Mary. (All this while trying to teach myself enough algebra to be able to take and pass a challenge exam, so I don't have to "waste" credits on math!)
Keep on writing; you have a lovely, light touch. I enjoyed your style, and didn't find myself hurrying through looking for an end.
Love and light, Candace
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Review by candaceb
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thanks so much for your help. From your userID, it sounds as though you're a "newbie" too. Only you've seemed to have gotten the technical details down.
Thanks again, Love and light, Candace
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Review of Let Love Go  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, again, Byron! Punctuation is a continuin problem of yours. Here you have too much. eg 1st line, 1st stanza ... you don't need or want that comma. As to the poem itself, or actually, the feeling I've gotten from your poetry so far, is that you have met somebody like me, who has been so damaged by a previous relationship that she cannot/will not allow the chance of being hurt again. I understand the pain that you must feel, and it shows in your poetry. Keep on writing, and work on the mechanics, so that your poetry flows as it deserves. And remember - every poem, even if it's been published - is a "work in progress," so never close your eyes to the possibility of improving your poetry. I know that comments here have induced me to go back and rework some of the poems that have already been published in JOURNEY FROM DARKNESS. That's better than OK with me. My next edition (as well as future poems) will benefit from the reviews I've gotten here.
Love and light, Candace


(b) My review has been submitted for consideration in {item: 451035}.{/b}
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Review of Intensity  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm not as fond of this poem as the last one I reviewed, but am glad to see the punctuation that you omitted in the other poem. Stanza five needs some work. It doesn't quite scan, and the line "Leaves me scared to the tear," would, I think, read better as "Leaves me scared to tears," And a further technical note: Remember that a period shows the completion of a thought. Many of yours could be replaced with commas, semi-colons, etc., or eliminated completely to encourage the reader to move on to the end of the thought. All in all, nice work, but not up to you last poem (sorry, can't remember the exact name - something like "From the Roof").
Love and light, Candace
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Review by candaceb
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow! What an impact! I am sitting here with my breath coming short, and my mouth dry. I literally could not tear my eyes away from the page [sic]. I reacted so viscerally that I cannot prompt you on technical errors; what few there were did not stick out enough for me to remember them.
As a multiple myself, I was undoubtedly drawn in a way that no "outsider" could ever be. Even the title drew me in ... One of the poems in my portfolio is called Mirror, and one I haven't entered yet is called "Stranger in the Mirror." So you can see how easily I was lured into your short story.
I am lost in a field of superlatives -- Outstanding - Gut-Wrenching - Thriller to the end -- Beautiful imagery. They tumble over one another. I am sure that this is an item that I will look over again and again.
Thank you for sharing it with all of us. Start looking for a publisher or an agent if you have sufficient material for a book. Or, explore magazines, praticularly literary ones, for a home for this story. It deserves one. Best of luck in your writing career.
Love and Light, Candace
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Review of Our Last Journey  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nicely done. A couple of comments. The line "One last memory with you, we each gain." feels awkward. Perhaps leaving out the comma would work -- I'm not quite sure. But play around with that line; something's wrong - it doesn't quite scan. I love "As you pass over, peace descends" (Needs a period). But then in the next line you leave the couplet form you've maintained throughout the poem. Get out your rhyming dictionary (you do have one, of course) and see what you can do to make the next line rhyme, even if it doesn't carry the same meaning of a new life beginning. But some rhymes that immediately come to mind are: sends, ascends, ends, amends, defends. Anyway, that's the only thing that I "counted off" when rating you. It's a beautiful poem. Love and light, Candace "CONTESTANT"
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Review by candaceb
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
First off, it's a great idea, but right now I'm not completely certain that it's "poetry." I feel like a broken record, but I'll say it again. Poetry is not "prose written funny." Perhaps punctuation would be a help. It would let the reader know when you have completed a thought (sentence), and where to pause in reading. Some of your thoughts just don't make sense --
it's as if you know what you're talking about, so we should, too. One example: "while the lake and the water color sky imbued" small mistake: should be watercolor.
Big mistake: imbued what? it's a verb, in its most common connotation it means "gave." You didn't finish the thought, but went on to another.
One thing that I liked very much, found very effective was the "I'm so far/far/far/from there." That worked. It indicated not just in words, but visually, the distance you feel. In another place, you decided to take the word "there" and cut it off from the thought you were developing. This time it was jarring.
I think your imagery is great. YOur prosody needs work. Some pattern, some rythm. Complete a thought and then go on to the next one. Check out the typos. it's means it is...there is no apostrophe in the possessive form. In the last line, heres needs that apostrophe...should be here's.
Again, I think it has some glimmers of greatness...your iamgery is very good. I think that this poem needs to be re-written,and it needs to be read aloud. See where you pause, because you know what punctuation belongs where. You just haven't let us readers in on the secret, and it isn't fair.
If you've read any of my reviews, you'll find that I'm not one to simply say "I liked it" or "I didn't like it." I think that the purpose of this forum is to learn and to teach what we've learned. Take this poem, rework it from top to bottom. Save what's good - throu out what's bad. Give it some form and then submit it again. I would LOVE to read the re-worked edition. As a matter of fact, once you have revised it, I'd like it if you notified me, so that I could read it again.
Love and light, Candace
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Review of Same Difference  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.0)
First of all, I hope that this is a place you've only visited, and that you do not live there all the time. The use of oxymorons is very effective. I do wish you'd use some punctuation, though. Is each line a sentence?
Curiously enough for me (and if you've read my reviews, you know how different this is) the lack of punctuation is a very minor irritant. The overall effect is one of true visceral response. I want to help -- to make the pain go away. Though I haven't time right now, I will definitely take a look at some of the other poems you've written. There's a definite talent here. Love and light, Candace
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Review of Because of You  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short but beautiful. I'm glad that I decided to take a look in your portfolio. I'll take a look at the other poem in your portfolio as well. Keep on writing -- I think you have the feel for it that will make you a very good (if not great) poet in the future. Love and light,
Candace
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Review of I am who I am  
Review by candaceb
Rated: E | (4.0)
Two technical points: In the second stanza, the first line should end with a semi-colon. You have two complete thoughts. Also in the second stanza, you would maintain scansion better if you used "I am" rather than "I'm." Try reading it that way and see how it sounds. It may not sound like it, but I really do like your poem, and hope to see more. I've given you the highest rating that I've handed out so far. I tend to be a tough critic, but that's the way I've learned -- am learning. We have to master technical matters, so that we can pour our hearts and souls out onto a page, and find that we've written something that others can empathize with, without getting stuck in awkward sentence construction, stumbling scansion, etc. Good luck and keep on writing! Love and light, Candace
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