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145 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of To Save a Patient  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Magicmama !

*Ghost**Jackolantern* This is A Halloween Review from "Invalid Item for our group Review Raid! *Jackolantern**Ghost*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently.


Why did I choose to read this?

Because "To Save a Patient is mind boggling. I was hooked to find out the nature of work of Elizabeth and Catherine's illness. I even asked what is that pistol doing in the story? It all intrigued me.


What I liked best?

I liked best how the suspense was created. While I was reading it, I did some guessing. I scored zero. I should have given serious attention on your clues when Elizabeth touched both sides of the neck and when it asked for beef tea for Catherine.


How did I feel after reading?

At the end of the story, I was like, "Oooh! It was the vampire! So, that's where the ah ha refers to and the reason behind the beef tea." Not only that. I was even surprised when it revealed that Elizabeth is a vampire hunter. I thought the issue was just her being a physician. I've no clues on this one.


Suggestions

I'd like it as it is although I know that it can still be improved like in the part when the vampire appeared in the bedroom of Catherine. Maybe some more descriptions on that scene. However, in 500 word count, that is good enough.


*Noter* Overall Impression

I enjoyed reading your story. At first, I thought this deserves a longer version but in the end, I imagined of a sequel. I'd like to know more on how Elizabeth would live up as a vampire hunter.


Thank you for sharing your story!

You've made day!!*Pencil*



Halloween Pumpkin



Reviewed on behalf of The Newbie Academy:

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27
27
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh! The fear of a child that the adults thought was amusing.

Sadly, a child is the most misunderstood being. If only the adults give time to understand his reactions, the child's memory would be a happy one.

Anyway, nice piece, Geoff ! You've regressed on this one. The inner child has spoken.

What happened to the child then? Just curious. *Bigsmile*



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28
28
Review of Autumn  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haiku!

Syllable: 5 8 5

You dit it!

Am I right in to understand that it is about people in different phases of life who'll eventually go to one direction which is eternal sleep?

Haiku is one of my assignment in poetry class. I need to make one this week but I can't think of anything. *Sad*

Cutie creepy pet
29
29
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Harry !

I came across your poem at random review.

Thank you for this historical piece. I had glimpse on what happened before. It made me more aware of the present time.

After reading your poem, I searched on the net to know more about genetic sterilization. (http://www.msnbc.com/all/eugenic-sterilization-vic...)

Honestly, this was the first time I've read about it. I thought Hitler's idea of purification was now part of the past. I never thought that it's encroaching in another disguise.

I hope the amendment will really do justice for the victims.

In the end, it lies on how each person accepts one another or else it would repeat again throughout humanity's history.

Sigh...

Candy


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30
30
Review of Annie  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (1.5)
Hi, Carlton!

This is a review from the Rockin' Reviewers' Group. A part of The Paper Doll Gang.

I am Candy, a newbie. I like reading works of others because I find it as an effective teaching tool in writing.

For this reason, please be reminded that what I have written are from my own perspective--from a novice writer--that others wouldn't see it in the same way.


*Reading* The Hook, Character, and Story Line

In "Annie's story, her screaming hooked me. I had an instant connection with her. Thunderstorm, hurricane or tornado are truly scary! I myself also scream. The thought that there was somebody else outside the house also causes panic in me. Even more when home alone. Most of the time something that happens in daily life are effective to catch reader's attention.

It was a good a idea that you have created a confidante, Buster, for Annie. Aside from singing or remembering good things, in real life, having a company of even a dog gives comfort in difficult moments.

However, the fact that she's alone with a failing health condition and traumatic past experience (which was not revealed, right?), everything that could possibly divert her attention so to lighten the blow of the scary situation were not enough. Good thing, there was this gift of sleep. Another good idea.

The cheery morning and a happy moment of Annie with her dog, Buster, hit the spot in me when at the same time at the end of it, she died. For me, this is one of the good way of spotlighting the end.


*Cut* *Paste* Suggestions

*Bulletr* Admittedly, the interesting story line was vaguely crafted. I hope that this could be understood easily through some sentence reconstruction.

Take for example on the first paragraph.

It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out loud. "Why?" screamed Annie? She was popular and she liked to knit socks in her spare time. Annie worried and was alone in her house.

For me, the information that Annie is popular doesn't add anything to the characterization following the focus of the story. Some details like these can be found in this piece. In the example, maybe the info that she liked to knit socks in her spare time can add, but better be said in another way to describe what Annie was doing when she heard the thunderstorm. Moreover, starting the story with action scene attracts more reader than by just a set of narration.

Here's the suggested reconstruction of this paragraph.

"Why?!"

Annie screamed. She lost her grip on the needles and the sock she's knitting. The night's thunderstorm and stormy weather frightened her. Annie worried being alone in her house.


Another one that deserves reconstruction.

Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. Annie worried about something. Her dog barked. Then suddenly her room was brightened by clashes of lightening that bit into her sole in a way that deeply gnawed at her and sobbed wailingly, the teardrops moistening her rosy cheeks and she worried about that time from long ago when it had happened.

Here, instead of stating how Annie looks like and how she reacts on the series of thunder and lightning while in a dark room, let those things that describe her move or do an action.

Annie scrambled to reach her knitting tools on the floor while the fading blonde hair blocked her sight on the object. Her small body frame jolted along with the intermittent sound of thunder. Her piercing cry, the chaotic weather, and bark of her dog broken the silence of the evening. The clashes of lightning brightened the dark room revealing her pale face now trembling with tears. She remembered something from a long time ago.

These may not be perfect but somehow the information you'd like to give to your reader are used to do the action. In this way, it reads more alive and engaging.

*Bulletr* Another thing to make the story be understood better is the correct spelling. There were many times that I repeatedly read the words or phrases to make sure that I understood what you really meant. To help you identify those words, I listed some of it.

peace of old wood = piece of old wood
into her sole = into her soul (At first I thought you were referring to part of a foot.)
pieceful slumber = peaceful slumber
too weaked = too weak (not about spelling. Weak is an adjective. Adding -ed are for verbs)

*Bulletr* I want to share to you this link for further study on writing.

http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/mistakes.shtm...

*NoteR* Overall Impression

I admired how you developed your idea about a sick woman, alone in the house and with traumatic past. I could feel the frailty of Annie. The stormy setting with all the thunderstorm and lightning accentuated this state. The presence of a dog character had add to its melancholic tone and also lightened Annie's feeling . Who wouldn't feel relieved with a dog company, anyway? *Smile*

I also liked how you resolved the story by contrasting event. For me, it highlighted the end of the story which made it unforgettable.

Although this piece was the winning entry in a bad fiction contest, I say that the beauty of this story was not fully shown because of the barrier in technical writing. Given the opportunity in developing writing skill and proper guidance in executing the ideas, this piece will sure be a winner in the fiction contest.

I am grateful that you have posted this story. As I've said earlier, reading serves as a teaching tool for me. More than that, sharing to co-writer my views helps me be founded on the knowledge I am receiving. I hope this is a mutual experience. *Bigsmile*

Thank you so much!

Keep on Writing!

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31
31
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Lucy Barton !

This is a greeting to a newbie from a newbie. *Bigsmile*

Welcome to Writing.Com


As my welcome gesture, I have reviewed "The Phoenix's Heart.

Impression


I agree with you in thanking those men in the past. Definitely they have contributed on what the woman, whom they have met and loved, have become. Also, I believe this is a mutual experience because any relationship is two-way, otherwise, it will not be called a relationship.

What I liked


I like this tribute story. It's rare to hear people thanking this way. It's a wow to be able to see the good thing received specially from someone like a playboy.

Final Remark


The presentation of your story is easy to follow. I didn't feel being loaded with information considering that you are reminiscing something in the past. It successfully tickled the interest of a reader.

Thank you for sharing this story.

It compelled me to also remember those people in the past and thank them.

Again, thank you.

Happy day!

Candy

My beautiful signature.

This is a review from "Invalid Item


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32
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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just want to say, Wow! What a beautiful poem.

I could feel the happiness in the eyes of the lover. It is perfectly weave to reveal the admiring relationship between husband and wife.

Thank you for sharing this poem.

Oh! By the way, is the word really flesh and not fresh? Just asking to learn and understand more.

Thank you.

Happy day!

Candy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review of Stationary Bike  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Care !


I liked "Stationary Bike. It is easy and fun to read. You have written well what could be in the mind of someone in a stationary bike. It is spontaneous, transparent and reflective. I love it!

Maybe this is called a prose. But I am not sure. I hope someone may finally categorized this. Would be good as a contest entry.

Great work!

Thanks for sharing. *Smile*

Happy Day!

Candy

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34
34
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
"What do you think is happening?" Hmmm...maybe Jason has ordered an ice cream and was just making fun of Emily? Or maybe he found out how to win in a lottery?

Well, hello to you Lauren16 !

Welcome to Writing.Com!


I have just read "Quick love over the summer. As my welcome gesture to you, here is my review:

Impression


The idea of a bored fifteen year could be an interesting story. You have presented how bored your character is and the reason why she's like that. The game thing question at the end of the story is something different. Cool!


What I liked


I liked the part when Emily received a message from Jason. I've waited for what could be the response of Emily. Would she also rolled her eyes after reading it or would jump out of bed and meet Jason in Starbucks? The curious *Cat* in me was caught by that part of the story.

Corrections/Final Remark


Honestly, how you introduced your character wasn't that catchy. As I was also advised: Don't tell, show.

Next thing is about numbers. Someone who edited my work said that numbers should be spelled out in a fiction story. For now, what I know is to spell out numbers from zero through one hundred.

Lastly, you have provided suspense at the last part of your story and that was good. However, providing minor suspense for your reader even at the start of the story will also work. Try it!

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope my review helped you develop it better.

Simply sharing whatever I have learned from others. In the end, you are still the boss of your story.

Happy day!

Candy

My beautiful signature.

This is a review from "Invalid Item


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35
35
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, GERVIC 🐉 House Targaryen !

Thank you for asking me to review "Does Freedom Still Lies Await? It compelled me to be more responsible in giving reviews.

Impression


When I first read your poem, I remarked that it has adequately described the photo that goes with it. Also, it reminded me of a Filipino song. Kind of nationalistic song. Sometimes, I treat poems like food, if it brings back past memory then it is a successful work.

What I liked


No way to run, no way to flee
'Till when it suffers? Please let it free


This describes the most the lost of freedom. I like how at the same time it appealed for freedom. The extended line length of the second line is successful in such a way that it spotlights suffers, the state of no freedom at all and it even supported the first line. As a reader/listener, it left an image of the entire poem.

Correction/Final Remarks

Question: I am not familiar in Kyrielle form so I clicked on the link you provided. After that, I checked on your work. Why is it not all in eight syllables? I just wonder. I am not good on that aspect.

For correction:
1. I think Did God too cry needs some kind of arrangement: Did God cry too...
2. In Did God cry too with its darkened fate, on is the best preposition. Otherwise, with makes it sound that it is God who is in darkened fate. Oh! By the way, you've missed to put the question mark at the end of this line.
3. A sombre song fill = song is the subject which is singular so the verb fill has to be in singular form. Simply add s ( *Wink*ssssingular. Would be helpful, right?) to verb fill.

That's all!

No way to run, no way to flee
'Till when it suffers? Please let it free


I love it!

I hope I have helped you on your expressive and beautiful poem. *Bigsmile*

Simply sharing whatever I have learned. I hope I have shared it right...*Facepalm*

Happy day!

Candy
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36
36
Review of Airplane Mode  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, K.B !

This is a greeting from newbie to newbie.

Welcome to Writing.Com! We are happy to have you here. *Smile*

I hope to welcome you with a review of "Airplane Mode


General Impression


It was the title of your story that caught my attention. I asked myself, "Why is it in an airplane mode?" Well, I actually have forgotten my question when I started reading your work except for the introduction that I suddenly thought that could be revised to make it more striking. But for now, I can't think of a suggestion. I just like to let you know. Anyway, you have made me, as a reader, watched on the life of the main character. It actually sounded like a non-fiction story. This only means you have the skill in story-telling.

Favorite Parts

My favorite part is when the main character sets his phone in an airplane mode. I actually said, "Better! You don't deserve such kind of a girl." I like how you have used airplane mode in the story. Unique!

I have another one, the struggle of the guy in winning the girl's attention. As a female, it was interesting to know how the male struggles. Somehow, one of the reasons in the break-up of relationships is because of insensitivity of a woman to a man. I hope not to be insensitive to my man. *Bigsmile*

Corrections/Closing Remarks

This is where your story will be greatly affected. It looks like you have a difficulty in using the punctuation marks specifically the semicolon.

According to Oxford Dictionary, rule #1 semicolon is used between two main clauses that balance each other and are too closely linked to be made into separate sentences, as in this example:

By the way, a main clause always have a subject and a verb.

         The road runs through a beautiful wooded valley; the railway line follows it.

Also, rule #2 it is used as a stronger division in a sentence that already contains commas:

         The study showed the following: 76% of surveyed firms monitor employee Web-surfing activities, with 65% blocking access to unauthorized Internet locations; over one-third of the firms monitor employee computer keystrokes; half reported storing and reviewing employee emails; 57% monitor employee telephone behavior, including the inappropriate use of voicemail.

Application of the rules:
1.Before that day comes; his mother = rule #1
Since it is a phrase and not a main clause, semicolon is not appropriate. Use comma.
2.The shy inexperienced young man; day by day = rule #1
Also not a main clause. Use comma instead. Better if you make the adverb in the first part. "Day by day, the shy inexperienced young man..."
3.as his boring; red tape; employees life, = rule #2
Semicolon is not needed. It is better to use comma.

Okay, although your work shows your weakness in the use of punctuation marks and in some grammar syntax, it doesn't mean that you are not good. As a writer, you have the skill of a writer. You see? I enjoyed reading your story. I wonder what could be the name of your character. *Bigsmile* Just have some fine-tuning and your story will be appreciated by many.

If you have any question just let me know. Though I am not an expert, I am willing to share whatever I have learned.

However, in the end, you remain the boss of your story.

Keep on writing AND enjoy!


Beautiful Candy
My PDG sig
37
37
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
If there is such an action as fan a hundred times, I would do it to you. I like your works...uhm...I enjoy your works...uhm...I enjoy listening to how you think.

Your port will be my first book here in WdC.

Candy
38
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Review of Wedding  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another great work!

I am now a fan of yours, HJ!

Hope to read more stories from you.

Candy
39
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Review of The Phone  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! HJ, I LOVE this story!

Brilliant idea!

I never blinked my eyes to make sure I am not missing anything. The story kept me in suspense. I loved everything here: the struggle of Natalie, her worries and the turn of events. The best ending ever.

Now, I am wanting this story to be watched in big screen.

Candy

40
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Review of Ella and the Moon  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (3.5)
The story is interesting but I got lost somewhere in the middle and so I have to read again from the start and the same thing happened when I reached the middle part. Then, I decided to read on. So, it was for the little girl. I see...I'm not sure but maybe I got confused because in the middle part of the story there was an adult mind instead of a little girl.

However, this is your work. Besides, I am also a newbie here so I may have misunderstood it and I'm sorry if I did. Thank you for posting your story.

Happy writing!

Also welcome in WDC!

Beautiful Candy
41
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Review of Dream  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, wanderdreams !

Dreamless is not emotionless. It's full of emotion. Could be a good piece for a song? Sounds like to me but I am not a professional on that.

Honestly, I am compelled to memorize this poem maybe because it reminds me of someone who is also in that state.

Sometimes good piece doesn't only give us something to delight our intellect but also draws something from our memories and cherish it again.

Happy day!

Candy
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Review of My New Business  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, John Nation ! "*Bigsmile*" You are being reviewed by a newbie.

Today I am reviewing "My New Business

*BulletB* General Impressions I had fun reading your work, John. It's interesting to know the adventure of a novice businessman. The flow of the story is engaging especially when it reached the end part of the steak business. It made me laughed and said to myself, "Oh, what would he venture next and where the place would be???" So, here I am, hooked in your story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I've got two favorite parts. First is when the character was waiting for the mob for his steak but instead found an effigy of him being burned. A good sense of humor. Second is about the thought of offering an item that is needed. It is a fact in considering of owning a business. You have made a good story out of that fact. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Corrections and Closing Remarks I love this part because it helps the idea to be better understood by the reader. So, I hope I could contribute in improving your work. Here it goes:

On the second sentence of your first paragraph, it will read better if you say something like this "All of my mates back in college have already one, and I feel left behind." What do you think?

On the fourth sentence of the second paragraph, what about "I see to it that my steaks are the best." 'To be had' makes it sound off. Maybe because there is already the emphasis of 'I see to it'.

Fourth paragraph is one of those with verb tense problem. "On the day of the grand opening, I arrived early and make made sure everything is was as it needs to be." (I think you can change this phrase into shorter phrase: IN ORDER.)

Okay, so much for this, if you have any question just let me know. Though I am not an expert in grammar, I am willing to share whatever I have learned.*Smile*
*CheckB*


*Exclaim*Happy *Smile* day to you, John *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You remain the boss of your story. *Exclaim*

Thank you for sharing this item! I enjoyed reading this piece. Keep on writing AND enjoy!

** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **

This is a review from "Invalid Item

Beautiful Candy


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43
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Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, RICHARD ! "*Bigsmile* "You are being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 Where is my fiancee?  (18+)
The problem with my fiancee.
#2001902 by RICHARD


*BulletB* GENERAL IMPRESSION The title of your story caught my attention. It made me want to know what happened to the fiancee. However, as I read it, I had a hard time understanding it mainly because of the missing punctuation marks. Nevertheless, I continued on reading simply because I liked the title. *Smile* *CheckB*

*BulletB* FAVORITE PART "It is sad the choices people that people make don't lead to lasting happiness for her friends or family." This line redeemed the ambiguity of the story. Actually, whenever I encounter difficulty in understanding the story, I habitually go to the end part. The end is good enough to have me peeked many times into the world of Elaine until I grasped the whole picture. *Smile* *CheckB*

*BulletB* FOR IMPROVEMENT I picked some for improvement. I hope it would serve as a help to convey the story clearly.

         1. Spelling:
                   Stooper = Stupor; with out = without;

         2. Punctuation Marks:
                   In an effort to hide the Bbody, Elaine threw him in a locker
                   didn't want to be tied to his death.
                   wondered how can I GO ON WITHOUT HIM.

         3. Grammar:
                   her Edward whowhom she
                   the ship's police officials


         4. My query:
                   In the story, isn't the fiance (engaged man) who is missing instead of fiancee (engaged
                   woman)?

                   In the first sentence, is it about the man or the woman? It started with the man who is
                   in a drunken stupor and ended in him committing suicide but the long description about
                   the woman in between confused me to understand who the author is really talking about.
*CheckB*


Thank you for sharing this story! The story of a man who committed suicide and the woman who got distraught and panicked on the event is interesting. This is something worth to be improved so as not to miss the real intention of the story which is stated in the end. However, the final decision is yours because you are the boss of your work. *Smile*

Happy writing! *Bigsmile*

This is a review from Beautiful Candy


** Image ID #1950616 Unavailable **
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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there druid ! "*Bigsmile* " You are being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
The Long Wait, Part 1  (18+)
Rekindling of an old flame, an Internet relationship.
#1908130 by druid


*BulletB* General Impressions Your piece is a relevant story especially to those people who are hooked in the cyber world. Most probably, they will like this one. Honestly, I got attracted with your story because I could relate, although not as serious as in your characters. *CheckB*
*BulletB* Favorite Parts How you have broken the ice between the characters who have lost contact for 10 years is a surprise. Actually, before I got to that part I was already thinking on how to connect them again. Yours is so natural. *Smile* *CheckB*
*BulletB* What I didn't like The paragraph that starts with a tearful goodbye confused me. I was stuck there trying to find out the time frame but since I can't figured out so I just continued on reading; only then did I understand in what time frame it belonged. I guess you have to modify that part to separate it from the first part which is in the present time. Better yet, check your verb tense. *CheckB*
*BulletB* For Improvement I've seen several sentences that need improvement. Some examples are:
1. "...me staying up..." Me can be used as object but not as a subject of a sentence. If it is a subject, it has to be I.
2. "...what you mean to me..." This is one of those I've seen that has problem on verb tense. Keep your verb tense the same. Mean here is supposed to be also in the past tense just like forgot.
3. "...I've always remembered it.." You can omit "it" in that phrase because it is still part of the adjective phrase that describes the voice.
*CheckB*


*Exclaim* Although your story has problem on grammar and punctuation, the content is interesting enough that I read it until the end. *Exclaim* Now I am curious what would be the content of the Part II *Exclaim* Thank you for sharing your work.Keep on writing and leave room for improvement and success will not be that far. *Exclaim*

Beautiful Candy


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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Touching!

I like every part of it. It is full of emotion.

Just there's one that I thought should be changed: "still shone bright" to "still shine bright." It sounds better if it is shine but-- I'm not sure.

The last line is the truth. They will be felt only by a beloved few.
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Review of MONEY  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there srinavya! "*Bigsmile* !" You are being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing
 MONEY  (E)
Money.This is word around which the world runs.This is the need for every persons life.
#1999868 by srinavya


*BulletB* General Impressions Good job on sharing us your insight about money.*Smile* *CheckB*
*BulletB* Favorite Parts I like the last part not because it is in the later part but because I could relate with it. I, myself, ask the same question "Why is it running away from those who needed it the most? What a life?!" *CheckB*
*BulletB* Suggested Revision Punctuation marks: I think it was a typo that you've used a period on the 2nd line instead of a comma. Also, on the 5th line, it doesn't make sense if article "the" is separated from the noun "sweetest" with a comma. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Overall, I like your idea. However, give room for improvement to attain the best output *Exclaim* Keep on writing *Exclaim*

This is a review from Beautiful Candy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
47
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Review of The Dance  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (3.5)
The Dance is a nice poem but there still room for improvement on this piece.

I think on the 3rd line, it has to be "hand IN hand, arm TO arm..." Kindly double check that part.

I actually like the third to fifth line. It shows about the development of an encounter. It brought my imagination to the scene. *Smile*

When you ended it with smile, I, the reader, also ended with a smile. Truly, your poem is moving. *Bigsmile*

Beautiful Candy
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Review of The Reason Why  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your work is short but striking. It speaks from within.

However, for your message to be best relayed, there are some things I would like to point out. I hope you won't mind.

1. its - has to be it's, as contraction of it is.
2. "But as for me, a troubled man full of pain and resentment" - this is not a sentence but a subordinate clause. Better to put the punctuation ";" after the word resentment so to make a sentence.
3. To give it a dramatic effect, why not try to use "--" instead of a comma after the word gateway. I guess it will work.

That's all!

I hope to read more works from you. You have an interesting insight. *Smile*
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Review of Finding Love  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting insight. It draws someone to join in the author's view.

As for your sentences, there are too many long sentences. It drifts the reader's attention away from it. Perhaps, cutting the sentences may help to avoid the feeling of information overload.

You have a good perspective in life. Hopefully, it would be transmitted very well.

A precious gem has to be admired and kept for its value.
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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful poetry about God! It does not take sides; instead, it leads someone to think deeply on the reality of our being in relationship with God.

I'm speechless. I want to print this and post on the wall of my room so I can read this everyday and ponder on it more.

Thank you for this beautiful and life-enriching poetry.

Beautiful Candy *Smile*
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