Hi, Carlton!
This is a review from the Rockin' Reviewers' Group. A part of The Paper Doll Gang.
I am Candy, a newbie. I like reading works of others because I find it as an effective teaching tool in writing.
For this reason, please be reminded that what I have written are from my own perspective--from a novice writer--that others wouldn't see it in the same way.
The Hook, Character, and Story Line
In "Annie" 's story, her screaming hooked me. I had an instant connection with her. Thunderstorm, hurricane or tornado are truly scary! I myself also scream. The thought that there was somebody else outside the house also causes panic in me. Even more when home alone. Most of the time something that happens in daily life are effective to catch reader's attention.
It was a good a idea that you have created a confidante, Buster, for Annie. Aside from singing or remembering good things, in real life, having a company of even a dog gives comfort in difficult moments.
However, the fact that she's alone with a failing health condition and traumatic past experience (which was not revealed, right?), everything that could possibly divert her attention so to lighten the blow of the scary situation were not enough. Good thing, there was this gift of sleep. Another good idea.
The cheery morning and a happy moment of Annie with her dog, Buster, hit the spot in me when at the same time at the end of it, she died. For me, this is one of the good way of spotlighting the end.
Suggestions
Admittedly, the interesting story line was vaguely crafted. I hope that this could be understood easily through some sentence reconstruction.
Take for example on the first paragraph.
It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out loud. "Why?" screamed Annie? She was popular and she liked to knit socks in her spare time. Annie worried and was alone in her house.
For me, the information that Annie is popular doesn't add anything to the characterization following the focus of the story. Some details like these can be found in this piece. In the example, maybe the info that she liked to knit socks in her spare time can add, but better be said in another way to describe what Annie was doing when she heard the thunderstorm. Moreover, starting the story with action scene attracts more reader than by just a set of narration.
Here's the suggested reconstruction of this paragraph.
"Why?!"
Annie screamed. She lost her grip on the needles and the sock she's knitting. The night's thunderstorm and stormy weather frightened her. Annie worried being alone in her house.
Another one that deserves reconstruction.
Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. Annie worried about something. Her dog barked. Then suddenly her room was brightened by clashes of lightening that bit into her sole in a way that deeply gnawed at her and sobbed wailingly, the teardrops moistening her rosy cheeks and she worried about that time from long ago when it had happened.
Here, instead of stating how Annie looks like and how she reacts on the series of thunder and lightning while in a dark room, let those things that describe her move or do an action.
Annie scrambled to reach her knitting tools on the floor while the fading blonde hair blocked her sight on the object. Her small body frame jolted along with the intermittent sound of thunder. Her piercing cry, the chaotic weather, and bark of her dog broken the silence of the evening. The clashes of lightning brightened the dark room revealing her pale face now trembling with tears. She remembered something from a long time ago.
These may not be perfect but somehow the information you'd like to give to your reader are used to do the action. In this way, it reads more alive and engaging.
Another thing to make the story be understood better is the correct spelling. There were many times that I repeatedly read the words or phrases to make sure that I understood what you really meant. To help you identify those words, I listed some of it.
peace of old wood = piece of old wood
into her sole = into her soul (At first I thought you were referring to part of a foot.)
pieceful slumber = peaceful slumber
too weaked = too weak (not about spelling. Weak is an adjective. Adding -ed are for verbs)
I want to share to you this link for further study on writing.
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/mistakes.shtm...
Overall Impression
I admired how you developed your idea about a sick woman, alone in the house and with traumatic past. I could feel the frailty of Annie. The stormy setting with all the thunderstorm and lightning accentuated this state. The presence of a dog character had add to its melancholic tone and also lightened Annie's feeling . Who wouldn't feel relieved with a dog company, anyway?
I also liked how you resolved the story by contrasting event. For me, it highlighted the end of the story which made it unforgettable.
Although this piece was the winning entry in a bad fiction contest, I say that the beauty of this story was not fully shown because of the barrier in technical writing. Given the opportunity in developing writing skill and proper guidance in executing the ideas, this piece will sure be a winner in the fiction contest.
I am grateful that you have posted this story. As I've said earlier, reading serves as a teaching tool for me. More than that, sharing to co-writer my views helps me be founded on the knowledge I am receiving. I hope this is a mutual experience.
Thank you so much!
Keep on Writing!
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