Hi There, Just stopping by to give you a friendly review on this poem.
What caught my attention was the layout of the poem. Having it go from a small speck of time to what seems like eternity. That grabbed me right away.
I can feel how much you long for your loved one. Even as time fades away, you never stopped thinking of her, and kept the faith that you'll see her again.
Your emotions are very heartfelt within this piece. They create a wonder vision within the poem.
Your flow is simple and easy to fallow.
My over all impression of this piece is that you must have thought long and hard of your loved one and placed as much deep emotion as possible to express how it feels within you. I applaud you for such a wonderful write.
Just one small detail that needs fixing...you last line ( Every centery of everymillinium )..you need a space between the word every and millinium...also..the words are incorrect in spelling....
Words to look at that are incorrect in spelling:
milla
wimper igarly
lovelines
centery
centery
millinium
sart
There is an edit and spell check option available after you have completed your writing and wish to go back and make changes.
I hope this review helps!!
Thanks for the read and keep on righting.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This a a nice poem, very descriptive and flows ok, however even though I catch the basic point of this poem I do have some few minor things to point out to possibly help you present it a bit more better.There are some things I'd like to point out in places that need a little attention.
When starting a new stanza or ending a sentence in a poem, the poem will then start with a capital letter to begin it with, and the use of (i) should always be capitalized.
Here's a quick example using a stanza from this poem:
in little dreams, you are the face; The word (in) should be capitalized
the sun smiling down on the shy little place.
wherever she is, wherever she’s been The word (wherever) should be capitalized
ever and ever she’s listening,
to little words, to little tears
of little hopes and little fears.
but her heart has such a brittle peace The word (but) can be capitalized.
with your tossing and turning.
Each time you end a line with a period, be sure to capitalize the next opening line.
Hope these few little things I have mentioned helps you out!!
Also an easy way to spot out mistakes in the way a poem will read to another person, is a helpful hint I was told when I first joined writing.com...Read the poem to yourself outloud, you'll be amazed at how it turns out when read outloud to yourself and how much you can pick out before posting it for others to pick at!!
Thank you for sharing your work and I hope to see your work get better and better as you enjoy your stay here at writing.com!! So many more helpful people will come across this poem and see it has great potential and hopefully will also review it with any of their suggestions to help improve it as well.
Oh my heavens ewww..I'd of flip my lid seeing a frog in milk. The thought alone is just gross. But it does go to show how some creature don't think before they do something, I think 99% of humans are equal in that saying, perhaps there's a motto in this..((Think before you leap!!))
Excellent tale told in this dainty little poem. I applaud you with the vast amount of imagery you provided and the wonderful flow that kept the poem alive and going. Bravo on a fantastic piece you so nicely shared!!
LOL..so the little ones got a hold of some valuable papers...oooo Bet you won't be the babysitter for much longer!!
I liked this..I seen a wee bit of mind taunting horror but a comedy in the end, and really now..who wouldn't see the horror in taxes!! LOL
Such an excellent little tale you provided me to read. i like the storyline very much..it was a bit scarey to keep going considering I love kids and don't agree to having kids part of a story that involves death of any sort, but the twist on the end..oh gosh..Thank you, thank you so much for this!!
Now if you label this great pic to a nice story in the makings, it's be a nice touch to the story!! I like the pic doc..who ever this carve person is who done it up for you, has got some talent, and your just one lucky person to have a friend do this up for you..I see it fits you nicely!!
I can see there is a path she was to choose, in which is why she was mixed up. A creature unknowing what life to take, but knowing she is different then the rest.
I enjoyed the imagery provided in this piece. It gave a clear vision of what she felt like emotionally. The flow was kept simple and smooth to read. With the touch of rhyme, it really brings the poem to life!! I see no need for adjustments or improvement.
This piece stands out as it is. No errors seen and my over all impression is that you have provided me the reader with an excellent read.
Thank you for a most wonderful share and keep on writing!!
Good story...characters need a little description but other then that you nailed the scenery part very well. A little more tightening perhaps could help with the flow of the story, less periods more comma's perhaps. As for your question..if you believe it would sound better in first person, then by all means make the switch, the choice is really yours to make. All I can do is read what you offer and give my opinion on what I've read. I believe you have the makings of an excellent story here, and with a little bit of editing, it could really stand out and grab the readers attention more then it does. Now I'm not saying it doesn't grab attention..I'm saying that with just a little added touch of changes, it can flow more smoothly and make a bit more sense. Also like I said, the characters need a little back round, perhaps what they look like, or are wearing, maybe an age to them...possibilties in this area can be endless.
oh this is such a cute poem..the tale behind it was so neat, and the ending..oh I found humor in that!!
I really like the imagery it gives and the way it opens up in the beginning sets the mood just right!
You've done an amazing job writing this hun, and you've kept my attention from beginning to end and I always really enjoyed the rhyming..it added that place of comfort and stability to the poem. Bravo on another excellent piece!!
Hiya...I am here to give your lovely poem a review.
Please take only the suggestions that you feel may help benefit this poem.
I love the flow..It really stands out right away, and the feeling of love, compassion I get from reading this is wonderful also.
There are a few things I would like to share with you at this time to help improve the appearance of this poem..just remember these are just suggestions and don't take anything you think wouldn't help it out!
First of all..we can work on this by tightening it up into stanza's that would help it hold better together.
Example is:
I love you
I hate you
I just Want to be with you
I miss your face
Your sleepy Smile
Even though its just for a while
Each part you have here can be tighten up like this example..no harm in it!!
Then, as I read along your lovely poem..I noticed your i's are not capitalized...capitalizing in some places...probably just something over looked.
When beginning a new stanza of a poem, don't forget to capitalize the first word that opens the stanza up, unless it's a run off from the stanza before it and requires the use of punctuation instead.
If you have any further question about this review or wish that I come back and give it another review and new rating once you have edited it up some, just send an email and I'd be honored to do so!!
Thanks for a lovely share, and always remember to keep on writing!!
OMG..I love nickelback, they are my favorite group of singers and their band just rocks..but I am so dumb about their backrounds and such..I got 21/42 correct..like 50% grrr but that's 50% of what i do know, just enough to say..I'm still a fan!!
Great quiz..Hope many others are huge fans...thanks for sharing this and always remember to ROCK ON!!
Hey doc, nice to see you posing!! Great pic, you can tell in chat and here how proud you are of your fancy gun. I hope there will be more pics of you in the future, don't be shy, we all friends here at wdc!!
Thanks for the share, and always remember to keep on writing!!
Oh wow connie, this is such a fabulous story...I love the feel I get from it, so exciting, so emotional, so...real life...bravo on such a wonderful piece..I can see why it won!! heheh
Story line is amazing
Characters are brought to life so nicely
Scenery is detailed
Ending is wonderful
and
last but not least
Written with no errors to note!!
Five beautiful stars sent you way my dear friend
Write On!!
This poem is very beatuful, nice tribute to your daughter. Growing up is gard to do, hard to both children and parents. But once they grow up and go on thier own, we look back and wish they didn't go.
I enjoyed the flow of the poem and the layout is nice, could use a little color maybe to spruce it up (( just my opinion )), I find poems that are leaning towards kids benfit with color more.
Thanks for the share and keep on writing.
Hey doc, I'm glad to see you writing more now...I really do enjoy your stories. This one gets added to the list of my fav's for sure. I like the way you open it up with cowboys now and stretch it to cowboys from long ago. There is nothing more wonderful then the tales within a tale about the olden days. I really enjoy cowboy stories. I like hearing about the adventures they take on, and how they always end up done for in the end.
Your story provides wonderful visions, and you've used just enough detail to keep the reader ( me ) interested and wanting to keep reading on. Your characters came to live, and I want to thank you in this area of story telling..cause it's not very often I feel as if I am a character in the story hearing a story and feeling what's going on. Your story gave me an amazing smile and I'm so lucky I had the chance to read it!
This is very deep, very heartwarming. It has more meaning then the eyes can read. The wordings are pure and loving, and the outlook is beautiful. Very well written. Keep up the great works!!
Very well written, it's hard to see through the eyes of an autistic child, and I myself don't have one, but I know one, and when I look at him, I can't help but stand there and watch what he does and maybe this will sound odd but..i myself at 28 can learn from him by the way he plays. I learn difference views on things and that's always a good thing. I have seen and heard of behavioral issues, but when I stop and look, and observe this child...he really is just trying hard to figure out the world in a way we don't see it!
I love how the main line works its way into each line, and the rhythm flowed so easily.
The form was put together so nicely and it never lost my attention for even a second. The scenery again in this piece is brilliant, and the feel I get from it is just amazing. The romance hidden inside..i just love it!!
Thanks for another wonderful share!!
xoxoxo
Natasha
Such a wonderful form of poetry. I love a good challenge and Nove Otto is a great challenge. The syllables in each line even out a exact 8, and the length is perfect.
I love the scenery found inside it, I can feel some emotion hit me as I read along..almost like a struggle to get by but knowing once you get pass that point, things change for the better.
My over all impression of this poem is that you have done a remarkable job with the form, the wordings, the scene, the feel...it really does shine bright!!
I simply just loveee this!!
This is the best comparison I have ever read. You must have took a long while to think it all through step by step, but you mastered putting it together so finely!!
I really love how the title fits the topic so nicely,
I enjoyed reading it, and I hope you come up with many more just like this..your such a talented writer!!
Hey staine..justpopping in to lend a review on this funny moment in time!!
The story itself is pure geniouse and I must say, it was one of the most funniests yet to of read family wise in your port..
here are just a few suggestions to help you along the way...
The ya's need to be you's...the and needs to be And *capitalized*
and the bold typing..inside you specify that its bad twice in the same sentence...
that's about all I can pick out...my best adivice is, read it out loud to yourself, and you'll see where any mistakes may reside
Hope this review helps, sorry it's not much of one, just trying to juggle a few things about today and read over this as soon as I could as I promised i would
Beautifully written, imagery is amazing, the layout is wonderful, and the storyline itself is stunning.
Each character's description was an eye catcher, and each scene seems properly laid out..I have seen some short stories that bounce around within it, but this stays on one flow and keeps going to the very end nicely.
Thank you for a most wonderful share
Bravo and keep on writing!!
Hello, Captain taya herwe with a friendly review towards this story!
My first thought when reading the opening line was: The character *You* was a bit bland...no feel to *You* as entering into it..It took a while to bring *You* into it...
The scenery was great however, and the descriptions of movement were very well laid out.
I suppose the whole ownership/servant look to people throws me on a big loop, for I'm a firm believer in that no one owns anyone, but, you have put it gently and made it work within the storyline itself, so I praise you for a great job done in that area.
I give you these five stars based on
Story layout
Scenery
Description of each character
The emotions felt while reading it
Storyline
Thanks you for a great share, and I am now off to read more!!
I have seen some poems here that express so much heart and so much warmth, but yours carries much much more. I love a poem that rhymes and especially one that can make be cry, and you my dear, have really touched my heart with this one.
Your imagery is fabulous
Your flow is perfect
Your rhyme scheme stands out and just hauled me into place while reading.
This is a very heart warming poem and I would like to lastly say
First thought that came to my head was...heartwarming and beautifully written. I felt a sadness hit me as I continued to read, a feeling that made my skin tighten, and created emotions so raw inside me..perhaps it was my own heart feeling the loss of a love....either way here is my review:
Imagery: Wonderful descriptions and a vision so bare and open, that it was easily felt.
Flow: Simple and smooth, easy to keep up to as I read along
Suggestions: None
Overall impression: A very unique poem, the forum seems to help show off the feelings inside nicely.
Bravo on a excellent write!!
Natasha
xoxoxox
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What caught my attention was the layout of the poem. Having it go from a small speck of time to what seems like eternity. That grabbed me right away.
I can feel how much you long for your loved one. Even as time fades away, you never stopped thinking of her, and kept the faith that you'll see her again.
Your emotions are very heartfelt within this piece. They create a wonder vision within the poem.
Your flow is simple and easy to fallow.
My over all impression of this piece is that you must have thought long and hard of your loved one and placed as much deep emotion as possible to express how it feels within you. I applaud you for such a wonderful write.
Just one small detail that needs fixing...you last line ( Every centery of everymillinium )..you need a space between the word every and millinium...also..the words are incorrect in spelling....
Imagery: Wonderful descriptions and a vision so bare and open, that it was easily felt.
Flow: Simple and smooth, easy to keep up to as I read along
Suggestions: None
Overall impression: A very unique poem, the forum seems to help show off the feelings inside nicely.