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I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem as it comes before mine in the I Write forum.
I really enjoyed this poem. I particularly liked the first stanza... my own suggestion would be to put a comma between Rights trampled, lives taken.
Other than that... it was a strong piece.
I like the repetition of 'We are wrong'.
This contest intrigues me. I may have to go check it out.
I really enjoyed this tour of your town. I find it interesting that you don't have any drinking establishments - only restaurants. Does this also mean you have no dance clubs? Now that would be a shame. I love to dance.
I am curious if you have tried each of these establishments or if you have a favourite.
I am partial to coffee shops and love trying out new ones. I love to write in them and am intrigued to find one with great coffee, treats and great atmosphere. I love to people watch and they are a fabulous place to do that. I've never been able to do that in a bar...I'm too busy dancing.
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your contest entry "YoungTown" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
I think it is an interesting story, but I was having difficulty suspending my beliefs that these kids could make it on their own.
The story is also told from a tense that I am not overly comfortable with... I am prone to past tense, not present. Given that the story is moving forward in time, I would love to read it in past tense - he said versus he says.
Characters:
Jonathon Walters is a sixteen year old in charge of a group of children who manage to escape an Indian attack. He does not want to abandon his father, but he is told to save the little ones.
Dialogue:
I found the dialogue a little stilted. I would suggest using contractions like we're for we are to make it more authentic sounding. Reading it aloud would also help you hear what it sounds like.
Setting:
Wagon train.
Deserted town.
Plot:
A group of 83 children are left alone after their parents are killed in an Indian attack. They make their way to an old deserted town and attempt to make it work.
Additional Comments:
I haven't watched a lot of westerns recently, but from what I remember, an attack would usually involve horses being stolen. I could see the kids walking to this town and taking a month. They'd have to carry what goods they could manage.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your contest entry "American Roots" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
This is quite the tale. I was held bound. Intrigued. You tell of a life of an interesting man and how fate has taken him on many an adventure. I do hope he lives...he seems pretty lucky in that regard.
Characters:
Henry. I don't recall a last name although a reference is given as aren't you Jake's boy from Notte street.
There are other characters but they seem to pass through as the story is told. It does circle back around to Gilbert, Lord Salisbury's son's man. I do like the idea of coming full circle back to the reason he had to leave England in the first place.
Setting:
We move around with our main character from England to the States. You do a fine job creating each new space. Well done.
Plot:
The story moves through Henry's life with little summaries of what has transpired since the 'chapter' before. I felt this was done well and moved the story forward.
Favourite Part:
I like the full circle aspect of the tale - the gunfight with Gilbert at the end and the unknown ending.
Suggestions:
I see no spelling or grammar issues of concern.
Additional Comments:
Well done.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your contest entry "Sheriff Cody" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
Dreams are certainly funny things. This story is a dreams sequence that has Cody becoming the new law in town.
Characters:
Cody gets some gifts from his Nan for his 21st birthday. After he puts on the hat, badge and his new boots he falls asleept to find himself the new law in a western town.
Setting:
Plot:
Like a dream, it is a bit over the top, but hey, it was fun to read. It's always great to be the hero of your own dream. One is able to suspend some belief and just roll with the story.
Favourite Part:
Suggestions:
"attempted to go return to his dream" is a bit awkward. I would say back instead of return.
I don't see any spelling issues of concern.
Additional Comments:
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your [item type] {item:}. I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
I really enjoyed the premise of your story and the real life details, though a bit disturbing, really added to the tale. They allowed the reader to be right there with Alvin.
Characters:
Alvin Liebman - nicknamed Queens because he is from Queens, New York. He is looking for adventure and trying to fit in.
Jake Miller - foreman ? - showing Alvin the ropes
Red - the guy who gave him the nickname Queens
Old Doc Whititaker
John Jeffers - I got a tiny bit lost until I realized this was the owner of the ranch.
Setting:
Cattle Ranch owned by John Jeffers.
Plot:
Alvin is shown the ropes of how to wrangle calves and brand them.
Favourite Part:
I really like the dialogue. It's authentically handled.
Suggestions:
I see no spelling or grammar issues of concern.
Additional Comments:
When I heard the last line I immediate thought of this song... yes, my mind works in weird ways. It's best to go with it.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your contest entry "Saddled" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
It starts off strong. I enjoyed the idea of a cowboy having an allergy to horses. The idea of the Cowboy Olympics was a bit over the top for me... maybe a rodeo of sorts in the next county would make it more believable.
I am curious about the time this story is taking place... old west?
Characters:
Luke - who has an allergy to horses. Though I am not sure why he decides to let the Nurse pay. Has he given up now that he cannot be a cowboy?
The nurse... later named Martha.
Setting:
Western Town. Not sure about the year. Would love more description of the town in order to visualize the setting and get more sense of being there.
Plot:
Luke finds out he has developed an allergy to horses. He has to face the rest of the men as they leave for the 'Cowboy Olympics'. With all the cowboys gone the bandits come to town... sadly, I found this a bit predictable.
Favourite Part:
I love the "trussing up" of the bandits.
Suggestions:
To build in suspense and avoid some of the predictability of saying - the bandits come to town, I would suggest working the details into the conversation and not stating that that will happen. It would give your story more strength and power.
I also can't see a town without its sheriff. I can see difficulties arising from limited men - being out-numbered. I love that the women are a big part of the catching of the bandits, but to me bandits would be on horseback not catching a train.
Additional Comments:
This story has merit and although the premise could use a bit of tweaking, I see the potential here. I love that the women 'truss up' the bandits... but I'd have them in jail at the end not on the train.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
It's Carly. I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your wee piece on the benefits of 'city life'.
I agree we are spoiled, but sometimes it's good to know you can rough it if you need to. That way you don't freak out when the power goes out for a long time. My grandparents lived on a farm with no indoor running water or electricity. The wood stove was lovely and so were the kerosene lamps. But there life was hard. (And I hated the outhouse).
The only spot I really stumbled in your piece was in the first line - "I never camped on the trail like Matt Dillon and Chester or a trailhand, but I have camped." I am thinking it should have been "been a trailhand"
Other than that, it got me thinking. Thanks for that.
Beautiful poem. I love the 'silent silver swirl', 'Evergreen sentinels' and the 'elongated purple shadows'.
You have used your senses very well and managed to convey a lovely winter scene in 20 words.
Well done! Good luck in the contest.
It's Carly and I have the pleasure of reviewing your wee prose piece. I found it very sweet. It reminded me of my family. My grandmother loved to sing. I never heard her when she was a girl, but I would think she had a lovely voice. Her family was musical. Her father played violin and I am told would go to the school and play for my mother's classmates to learn to square dance. This was a one room school house. I can just imagine.
My grandmother's brothers played as well. One preferred the guitar, the other the violin. The one who played the violin also build his own guitar to play. These great uncles were wonderful people and music thrived in our Northern Ontario community because of them. I still remember the house parties when I was a child.
As my grandmother aged, her voice got 'rusty' but she still sang - she would also apologize for the sound, but I loved it. We still sing some of the songs to warm our hearts aw we remember her.
My mother also sings, but I can hear her voice starting on the 'rusty' path so I expect mine will one day too, but for now I sing because I love it. I often have people comment when they hear me singing at the end of the school day when all the students are gone. I don't even realize I am doing it.
Sing on my friend. If it brings you happiness, Sing ON!
I hear you are not feeling well so this review comes with well wishes for a speedy recovery. I decided to do a little review to help bolster your healing vibes.
I picked this little nugget of a poem and had to smile. I like the rhyming pattern as I trickled along through it. It gave me a little laugh at the end.
Yeah, water is fabulous, but it doesn't always cut the mustard when all you want is fuzzy bubbles of pop.
I wonder how this poem would change now that they have that 'soda stream' thingy and you can put pop in it.... though I only see Pepsi and I prefer Coke products as well.
There is a lesson in your poem too. I do love that story and you have turned it into a great poem. You capture the essence of the boy and his plight. How he wanted fun, but in the end lost it all.
I like how you ended it - with the wolf talking to the boy and then taking a bite.
Very lovely Sumojo! I happen to agree whole heartedly with your thoughts on the words beneath and above. Beneath does feel like a smother. Above does feel freer. You crafted them into a poem that resonates and makes me take a good long breath.
I want to thank you for posting more contest entries into I Write. I have one more to go. I want to make sure I have 52 and not just extra 'weeks' because I did October prep and Nano. Those weeks are great, but the purpose of this contest is to push us to write and post 52 wonderful entries over the course of the year. I don't want to say I won because of bonus weeks. I want to win because I did the work and have some great pieces that represent 2021 and all its ups and downs.
If I can I may post extra just in case others want to finish as well.
Merry Christmas and Happy, safe Holidays.
This is a lovely anniversary poem. Whether it wins the contest or not your husband should be so pleased that his wife can pen the magical words that make life a blessing. This truly is a gift.
I love the analogy to a tree and its roots. I love the line "holding fast to our patch of the world". I also like the next line - "Steading it against the earth's tremors". I thought that was brilliant.
I wish you both a happy 56th anniversary!!! I have a feeling your tree is rich and bountiful as it moves through the seasons of life. Congratulations.
Hi Sumojo,
Having read your wee tale of a family Christmas I am happy to say I am glad to be celebrating Christmas in the northern hemisphere where we can all go outside to cool off.
I am also grateful that my family get along and we have missed each other over this Covid stuff so we are very much going to appreciating the chaos that is Christmas this year. We may all be able to get together!
As I read your piece, I am saddened to see some people don't experience that wonderfulness that is my family Christmas experience. I should know better. Your story shows a sad fact that maybe thins is a possibility for some families. Still, you would hope they would make more of an effort. Family is family after all and blood is thicker than water and all that... but I am grateful my family gets each other.
While reading your piece, I was wondering why picking the tree was painstakingly done? I would hope it was thoughtfully bought.
I was also more inclined to think it was not 'fraught with danger' but more conducive to migraine proportions.
Still it was an interesting read.... and I hope it is in no way an actual experience. I also wish you a marvelous Christmas!
Hi Neva,
I have the pleasure of reviewing your piece as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2021 forum.
Interesting recipes. I love most veggies, but peanuts... not so much. I have a peanut allergy that developed when I was 12. Before that I enjoyed peanut butter on toast. Now I can't stand the smell - which helps me detect if peanuts are in the things I eat. I don't want to deal with anaphylaxis.
I will have to check out this contest. I know I gave it a try earlier in the year, but was not able to accomplish the goal. I wish you luck in your attempt.
Keep writing. I always enjoy what you have to share.
It's 💙 Carly and I have the pleasure of reviewing your 24 Syllable Poem as it comes before entry in the I Write in 2021 Challenge forum.
I love that I have learned a new word and find your poem makes me smile.
You manage to craft a potent little poem that fits the 24 syllables to a Tee. It reminds me of my friend and her marriage to an idiot. He is such a fraud... a parasite, really. Exactly as your poem says "She feel for it"
Thank you for sharing your work. Good luck in the contest. This is a winner to me!
Hi nfdarby.
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reviewing your piece as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2021 forum.
I have just read your short piece " Sunrise Over Autumn" , which I found when beofre mine in the I Write forum and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
I found this piece quite intriguing. I was pulled in. I found the ending was actually cool - disturbing, but cool.
Characters:
Captain Amber
And someone in charge of the colonists - no name was given.
Setting:
From a starship looking down onto the planet of Autumn - not sure about the name, but I was willing to go with it.
Plot:
This piece is short and sweet - the gist is that Captain Amber has gone against the CalVac Union and delivered a group of people who want to relocate to this planet.
The piece is too short to go into details, but the gist is there.
Favourite Part:
I really enjoyed the ending - it was not expected.
Suggestions:
I noted a few spots where I was taken out of the story. Minor bits...
"It was the silence that sent spiders crawling up Amber's spine. " Is there really spiders crawling on her or just the feeling of them? A little clarity here would strengthen the piece.
"She stood stood beside lander and looked around." I don't think you need the second 'stood'.
"Fortunately, the Night Hag was still registered Leon Brigs, and he was serving fifty to life on some Federation prison planet." I believe it should be registered 'to' Leon Brigs. This sentence brings up more questions, but the story does fine without the explanations.
"Typing a command into the lander AI, we waited for a response." 'she' waited.
"began to devour the colonist." I believe colonist needs an 's'.
Additional Comments:
This story is interesting and I enjoyed it. It just needs a few tweaks.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging! Good luck in the contest.
I believe I have the pleasure of reviewing your piece as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2021 forum. I have been waiting for someone to post after me, but after 10 days I started to wonder what was going on... then I checked the threaded view and you are actually the next person so here we are....
I think there are plenty of children that are in this boat... not just because of summer break but because of Covid and learning at home.
It was a fun little poem with good rhyming.
5 fun little quatrains.
I'm 💙 Carly and I have the pleasure of reviewing your piece as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2021 challenge.
This intrigues me right out of the gate: "Brothers try to assemble a cradle using the DIY parts."
Best line: “Your daughter will grow up by the time you get this ready”. Loved it.
Some things I noticed:
of the weekend , to - make sure your punctuation comes right after the word, not after a space (this happened a couple of times).
Nirav nodded, keeping down - this should be putting down, instead of keeping down.
“Guys it's been six hours since you guys have been at this.” - I would not use the word guys twice. Possible revision: "Guys, it's been six hours since you two have been at this!"
You could also add to the funny by saying a carpenter would have built six cradles by now - or some other exaggerated number.
Other than those wee bits, I thought your piece was good. Well done.
It's Carly. I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short story as it fell before mine in the I Write in 2021 forum.
I REALLY liked this story. I particularly loved the twist at the end. I did not see that coming. Well done!
Your characterizations were authentic and believable. I could see Clarence and Jimmy talking enjoying some guy time while Peggy was out.
My only issue might be with the title. This is merely my preference. It is a decent title, but it could be stronger. As for suggestions, I have none. I just have an inkling that you could play with it and see what comes up. Still it does hide the fact that Jimmy is a dummy. Whispered Intentions? I do like the Whisper part...
I like the part where Jimmy is 'perched on Clarence's arm rest'. I got the feeling of a devilish character giving him ideas.
I applaud you for this tale of murderous intent and wish you all the best in the contest. It is sure to be a winner.
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