I enjoyed your poem. This is my first
exposure to the Triquint, and i appreciate your explanatory note on the form.
The imagery works nicely, and complements the photo included above the poem.
The poem does a good job of catching the role fall has in bridging between summer and winter.
I lke this poem. The story is well told. The imagery is good. (Crystal rain for the breaking glass is very nicely done.)
It all leads right into the last line "I no longer love you" letting the poem peak and end at just the rignt time.
Post more poems!
'
One suggestion. If you would like more reviews, put your poems into contests. (We all like to read reviews to see what others think, and my general impression is that writing in contests get more reviews than writing not in contests.)
This has a lot of good things. Descriptions are well used. (violent clang for hearing, coffee brewing for smell, heart beating for anticipation, etc.) It creates a problem that has to be solved. (what is in the letter)
It could make the start of a longer story get into the meaning of the letter and what happens next.
Good story! This gets the series rolling. A mysterious stranger, romance,
conflict with her witch relatives, what more can you ask. Now I have to read more to see what happens.
I like the story. You do a good job of "hooking" the reader right up front.
I think you also do a good job of dealing with a fundamental question that arises, which is how can one build an elevator without having been to wherever it goes.
This could easily be the start of a longer story rather than a self contained tale.
I like your expression of what love means to you, and what losing it would mean.
I get the sense, however, that some of the grammar in the poem may be getting in the way.
For instance, in the second stanza,
"Yet I found myself was wrong" might flow better as "Yet I found myself wrong."
The reflexive pronoun (myself) and the verb (was) seem a little unusual in that combination.
In the third stanza.
"This endeavor we've partake" might go better as "This endeavor we partake" or "This endeavor we've partaken."
Look through the grammar in the rest of the poem.
The scheme of the rhyming also seems to change as the poem goes along, which may change the flow.
I think you have the start of a good poem. Keep working on it.
I get the impression that Isabel is falling out of control from a height.
The concept of being thrust into someone's fall to oblivion is certainly good hook material.
MY THOUGHTS:
I tend to think that what would really help build the tension of the threat of falling toward death would be more description and less straight narrative.
Is the air pushing her face back on her skull, and her hair back on her head?
Is she dizzy? Is her heart pounding?
Describe her going into shock rather than stating it..Also, in this kind of fight or flight stress, is what is the logical thing to do really an issue?
On the other hand, if she is so cool as to be logical in the face of death, describe what kind of calculations are going through her mind.
Also, instead of waiting for the ground to hit her, describe what she is waiting for more graphically. Flesh to tear? Bones to crush? Blood to spurt?
This is just about the perfect hook scene for description!
Great start, and keep going!
Catdok
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