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151
151
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Busman,

This is so true for all pets. I did have to rehome a cat, around 10 years ago. I felt sick doing it. Although--kind of a funny story--we found a white cat outside, one time, that had been declawed on all four paws. That's a death sentence for an outdoor stray, so we took him in. We had several cats at the time, and coincidentally they were all black. (You should have seen the Bombay. He was gorgeous...and had the attitude and power of Sonny Liston!) Well, I don't know if cats are racists, too, but all the black cats would gang up on that poor white one and just beat the living hell out of him. We ended up rehoming him for his own good.

There's not much to critique here in your poem. Cats are so quirky that I wondered if a little humor (from the POV of the cat) would help. On the one hand, it might dilute the seriousness of the statement; on the other, it might engage the reader more so they get the statement. Perhaps more poetic presentation, more cadenced verbiage? Those are more personal stylistic choices than anything, so I hope that doesn't offend.

In all, a very good, straightforward and true credo about owning pets.

--Jeffrey
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152
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Riley,

Small gatherings have an intimacy to them, I agree. The act of sitting around the fire has actually been traced to an atavistic need to gather in groups before the flames for both heat and safety. Although we're not cavemen (or -women) anymore, we still feel that primal urge to gather, to share in warmth and security, to seclude ourselves from the night of technology, progress, and change. We give in to the innate urges to write with each other, sing with each other, paint on the cave walls together.

Man is a gregarious species. Some of us claim to be hermits or loners, but I think Bruce Springsteen hit it pretty much on the head: "It don't matter what nobody says / Don't nobody want to be alone." Well...not always, anyway. But you're right about something else: the fire goes out; it's temporary, and it burns itself to ash once its purpose has been fulfilled. We do also have a need to spend time alone. We remember those times together, though, and it brings a safety in our aloneness, allows us to accept ourselves as individuals because we know we are still part of a group. And when we start to lose touch with the group and feel lonely instead of just alone… well our cave-dwelling ancestors passed down to us the ability to recreate that spark and come together again.

I agree that we should seek the bonfires. Especially in today's connected-but-disconnected world, it's important to have those face-to-face moments, those "us-against-the-night" moments. Because those are the times I want to be part of your tribe, want to hear your stories, and want you to hear mine.

Thanks for letting me read one of yours today.

--Jeffrey
153
153
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
ZZ,

What a bummer! When companies change their policies, it's often an inconvenience. For me, it sometimes even feels personal! I know it's not, of course, but some days it sure feels that way.*Rolleyes*

Starbucks is a huge host company. They draw big crowds of mobile workers, groups of people who would go to the bar if they were old enough or if they were off work. At some point, things can get too big. The decision to pare back to a local coffee shop vibe is an interesting direction for them to take. I wonder if it will result in a loss of business in some areas, but a more sustainable business model.

I remember when McDonald's stopped giving out water. I found out on a terribly hot day when I had been walking all over creation. NO WATER FOR YOU! I find the notion of complimentary water hilarious to the point ridiculous. If I have enough money to buy an $8.00 coffee, what the heck do I need a free water for?!

I wonder if your article could be massaged into a letter-to-the-editor of a newspaper. Perhaps some more personal context, social context, more opinion, maybe even a humorously snarky comment. Or perhaps it could be adjusted to a journal entry, giving much more personal context as to the previous state you experienced, the current state, and the negative ways it impacts you. As it is, it feels almost like a passing comment rather than a considered observation.

Not being a Starbucks fan myself, this doesn't impact me. But knowing about their change in business model is definitely an interesting note, and it makes me want to keep my eyes open to see how Starbucks performs in the near future.

Thanks for giving me some information I didn't have this morning. Write On!

--Jeffrey
154
154
Review of A Plastic Pause  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Drew,

I like this! I like that we never need to know the dilemma to which a decision is needed. Because in the story, the dilemma is the relationship of the brothers to come to terms with one another, not the problem (whatever it is). Conner's passively written portrayal is an excellent device. Mike is active; Conner is passive. Yet it is Conner who must take the action. What a wonderful dynamic.

There are some details here that I want to highlight, because they really give the setting a life, something into which we can insert ourselves, like we can in a movie or TV show.
~ The fish tank. I can see the bubbles and the fish...but I can also see Conner, through the water and glass, looking bent and distorted, just as his mind is at that point.
~ The table and the waiter. Both are old and a bit unstable. It seems the grueling process of doming to a decision is the same for the brothers. The atmosphere of the restaurant lends a certain desperation to the scene.
~ The wind. A character with an active role to play at the end, the strong, cold wind is inimical, irrefutable. Its early arrival imposes an immediacy to the scenario.

There's a few places where a word might be missing an "s" or a comma is misplaced, but nothing worth pointing out in detail. The writing is pretty tight. There are a lot fragments, though, almost poetic in nature. In this particular piece, I think it can be chalked up to creative license rather than writing errors. On another positive note, your choice to present this is a slightly larger font made it much easier for me to read; I appreciate and applaud that choice.

This was a really enjoyable read. I hope to see more of your work as you Write On!

--Jeffrey
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155
Review of A Day at the Zoo  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Geirr,

Deciding what's important is usually easy. Paying attention to deciding what's important eludes us often.

You paint a very clear picture her. I think we've all observed a version of this man, absorbed in his own world of bullying and demanding, heedless of those around him. Excellent little jab by "bringing into question on which side of the cage he stood."

When Jack realized he was the reason his dad was so angry, the reader hurts along with the boy. I'm sure Jack was cheered up by his father's recognition of what's important. I'm not so forgiving; this jerk of a father will forget the lesson next time his phone rings. Excellent job using so few words to create an utterly dislikable character.

There were a couple of mechanical glitches here and there: auto-correct errors, it looks like, and one paragraph formatting oops. That's the worst I can do I do on criticism! *Smile*

I enjoyed this short piece, and I'll make sure to behave myself next time I'm at the zoo; the monkey house does seem big enough for one more fool of a primate...

--Jeffrey
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156
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Anchor,

I love villanelles. I suck at writing them, but I love to read them.

This one could be either a literal folk tale or a very complex metaphor, as is Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night. I wonder if the Adversary in your poem represents disease or disorder or illness, rather than physical foe; I wonder if Lirena pursues such Adversary not through actual waters and shores, but through the seas of medicine, faith, prayer, hope. Too often, ailments are stronger than their sufferers, and the victims succumb, no matter how hard their loved ones try to save and serve them. "Her beloved was already in decay" seems to hint that her final visit to him was after he had already died, and it works for both the literal and metaphorical interpretation.

I'm going to offer an opinion on villanelle in general, here. It's just my opinion, and I mean no disrespect to your poem as you wrote it. I find it more compelling when the repeated lines do not stand alone, but complete, begin, or further the overall narrative, subtly changing the context of the statement but not its basic meaning. That's also why I am not good at writing them (to my liking, at least); trying to pivot those lines strategically is often too hard for me. But that is just my opinion, and it does not decrease the quality of your piece in any way.

One mechanical note, though, the last two lines are supposed to be the same as the first and third lines; your final line is a little different.

I enjoyed reading this and seeing which interpretation fit me the best. As readers, we get to do that: apply the poem to our own lives as best we can. And if a poem can make me think like that, work around the verses in my mind like that, then it has beena good poem, indeed.

Write on, my friend!

--Jeffrey
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Review of On the Third Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Conrad,

I was raised in the Catholic church, as I might have mentioned. I tell people I was a Catholic until reached the age of...REASON! Sadly, that's only a little bit flippant; it's mostly how I feel.

Faith and Religion, being it Christian or not, are far removed from one another, I think. Religion is the man-mad tool a select few use to impose their own power over those who have Faith. And when the acolytes begin to see through the mystical curtain or rituals and mantras, they start to see a disappointing reality: we're all just people, and that's all we'll ever be, no matter how we try to be something else.

This perspective is demonstrated in Chin's frustration and disappointment. "I put myself through hell for what? I was fooled, and I was a fool. I'm done." I like the emphasis you put on the irritation he felt at being idolized, especially in concert with him understanding so much more his own physical reality/mortality. Like all of us, once Chin sees how the magic of the monastery works, he can't un-see it and return to the awe of the acolyte. (I actually wrote a poem once that intimated, in short, I wished for all the awe-struck acolytes out there that they never passed beyond that stage, because there's only disappointment waiting up ahead. I wonder if I still have that somewhere in one these notebooks...)

I observed just a couple of mechanical mistakes. I'll point them out in the hope that the constructive criticism helps in some small way.

~"He felt retched." "Wretched" is the more apropos word here.

~"The two gentleman" breaks plurality rules. You probably just fat-fingered the keyboard, having meant "gentlemen."

~I'm not sure on this next one, because it could be intended two different ways: should "solipsistic crutch" have been "solipsistic crux," or was the "crutch" of religion actually what you were trying to communicate?


This story is a good demonstration of Orwell's statement in 1984 that "ignorance is bliss." Personally, Conrad, I'm glad I peeked behind the curtain of the Church and saw the true, entirely human Wizard of Oz Rome.

As always, a very well-though-out piece, and a pleasure to read, sir.

--Jeffrey.
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Review of Well-Hid Panties  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Tim,

First off, I'm a panty man. They drive me crazy, even the glimpse of the to off the waistband of a woman's panties turns the switch on for me.

Second, although I no longer keep the faith, I was raised Catholic. As such, my psyche was imbrued with repression and denial as ways of life.

Third, I'm not a dick. I know women don't want to be leered at and have creeps trying to scope out their panty-lines, and whatnot. So I glance, but don't stare.

I mention all of this toward one summation: All of these things together made your poem very interesting to me. It turned it into an exploration of personal intent and social ambivalence, rather than something erotic. The woman here seems to want the persona to look, to check her out. But the person's of the poem is constrained by faith: "But for my faith, I’d be less moved
To enjoy forbidden treasures." The character also doesn't want to transgress social boundaries.
~ Privacy:"Does she notice my reluctant stare/ In that male, tight-lipped fashion?"
~ Fidelity: "The love I own is rich indeed,/ A love so fine, the best"

But the woman is flirtatious and encouraging to his glances:
~ "A buxom girl, a stunner, not shy,/ With a man not being dissuasive"


Fine. So what's the big deal? Well, the contradictions are well illustrated here.
~ "Don't stare at women... Unless they want you to... Unless they look like they want you to, but don't really..."
~ "Don't be a perv and fixate on a woman's underwear... Even if she is leaving it exposed deliberately, like the top of a g-string."
~ "Don't even feel attracted to someone you're not currently committed to... Even though that's the way the human mind and body are built."
~ "And if you do any of these things, feel guilty, punish yourself inside by looking nowhere but the floor, becoming withdrawn and submissive."


There's a lot of social and cultural implications to unpack, but there's a lot to actually think about here. Very good job.

(BTW, I couldn't find anything to point out in the way of constructive suggestions! *Smile*)

--Jeffrey
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159
Review of Foxtrot Tango  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Conrad,

I don't know whether to smile or weep at the end of this. I think that's awesome, too, because it makes me think. It makes me wonder how the effects of geriatrics will impact me, what should I expect, what should I hope for? When the gears in my mind start wearing smooth, should I be afraid or relieved?

At first, I thought this was a man writing about free-writing. It's the exact same sort of stream-of-consciousness writing most of my free-writes take. I decided to just go with it and see where your rambling took me. When they took me to the old man's convalescent bed, I realized the seemingly meandering prose was very structured and intentional, indeed.

I don't think there's anything I can offer in the way of constructive criticism. The writing is tight, conforms to the constraints of flash fiction. Your arc is complete, and the theme becomes quite clear. (I have a lot of trouble condensing story arcs and themes into flash fiction; I guess I likes me words too muchly!) I don't see any mechanical errors, really. Well, there's a missing period after "Any of it," but I ain't mad. *Wink*

This reads almost like prose-poetry up until the final three lines. As I read it, I was wondering if it would have worked as a poem. But I decided that, in my opinion, keeping it in this format was a smart choice. For reasons I can't articulate, it just works better as something that drifts between prose and poetry. Maybe it's because that's how it feels when you're just about to fall asleep, or in the grips of a really high fever.

Alzheimer's is my ultimate enemy. Not cancer or diabetes or crabs, although God knows those are horrible Alzheimer's is cancer of the past, and the past is really the only thing we own, the thing people can't take away from us no matter what. Alzheimer's takes it away, though, eats it away. When I have a few bucks to spare, that's the charity I give to.

But a mind that's getting old is going to slip its gears from time to time, and it's not always a disease, like Alzheimer's. In the case of your character, it's just...getting old. So I have the obligation to think, to ask myself, to investigate my own feelings: is it the loss of one's memories in old age that angers me...or the danger that Alzheimer's could happen to me even before I'm old? Is Alzheimer's the monster I hate for its impact on our society...or am I more afraid that it might impact me?

I comment in a lot of my reviews that writing should make a person think, feel, question. This very short piece does exactly that. One is forced to think: is imagination still a good thing if we get lost in it?

Very nice flash fiction, Conrad. Good way for me start my day.

--Jeffrey
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160
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Tiny,

This was a bit of a surprise! Well...just a little surprise. *Wink*

The dynamic of dominance and submission has so many different flavors that there is room for every kind of fantasy out there. This particular form of helplessness seems to involve being held against one's will, forced exhibitionism, and even some light psychological abuse. There's also an inversion of rape theory here. Many men rape because they are deluded by the fantasy that they are somehow doing the woman a favor, that she actually wants it and just can't admit it. In this story, our character is used somewhat against his will, but he allows himself to enjoy being forced to succumb. One of the biggest differences between rape and dominance is that there is a reciprocal agreement between the subject, an agreement that they both want it. That agreement is not in play here, which in fact makes this a form of sexual assault.

The physical perils the protagonist faces are sort of funny...until one puts oneself in his shoes (or in his shoelessness, in this case). Being eaten alive?! Being tossed into the trash bin? Being suffocated in a bowl of popcorn?! These are absurd situations, but nonetheless deadly. While they give the character room for action and insert some tension into the story, there's also just enough humor to keep the reader relaxed and engaged.

The different sensations against his nude body from various materials is interesting, and when one considers it, it's a bit arousing. Silk, leather, oil, food, latex--there's all kinds of textures that are erotic against naked skin. Exploring these sensations in your story allows the reader to fantasize a little about what it would feel like to be coated in warm-ish butter, for instance. (I thought about it; I'll pass on that one.)

We are invited to think about the scenario from the deviant young woman's perspective, also. But now it is a moral question: if you find a helpless person, do you help them or take advantage of them? And if you decide you would take advantage, how far would you go? The answer can be pretty damn disturbing, if we're honest with ourselves.

The fact that everyone is underage in this story is unusual. From the young girl to the pre-teen boys and the teenaged antagonist, there's some scenarios possible here that might be better left unexplored...

A mechanical note: ALL CAPS SUCKS! All caps and single-spaced lines made for an intimidating text. I almost didn't read it. Whitespace and normal-cased, comfortably font-ed text is much more inviting, and it is actually less physiologically fatiguing for the reader. I had to take away a half-star for that. *Frown*

This seems to be part of a larger story, and I'm intrigued enough to read more and see how you progress this. Will it become straight-up porn? Or will you be able to weave a decent storyline through it? You've got my interest. Let's see where you go with it. Write on!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Summer  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sa_xe,

Uh-oh. I'm not on board with this one. There's not quite enough here for me. I can feel the summer and I can feel the freedom. I can feel the memory of school fading from my mind...

But what else? I'm sure there were more lazy, drifting thoughts as you relaxed into the long vacation. A brief glimpse of your hopes for the summer, even if they were vague or open-ended? "Golden days made each day stretch on forever" is too "hurry-up-and-finish" for me. I wanted you to stretch it out some.

Now, that having been said, your first paragraph was excellent. It was so... I don't know--livable? It let me flow into the environment and feeling so nicely. Such vocabulary, yet again!

Sorry I wasn't over the moon about this one, but it won't discourage me from reading the rest of what you've done!

Respectfully,

--Jeffrey
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Review of highschool lovers  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Maddie,

This is another well-written love story. The first thing I want to applaud is how tasteful you keep your story. There could be a lot more physicality if you wanted to...but that's not what the story is about. It's about love, and it's a love story that is universal. That's kind of a strength. One could swap this out for two boys or a boy and a girl, and because there's not a lot of explicit content, it would still be the same love story. But...

It might be a weakness, too. If this could be any two people, it begs the question, for me--what's the point? No, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm trying to prompt a little more from the story. Stories usually have a conflict or an obstacle, unless they're a vignette. The reader wants to see the protagonist win through, succeed, overcome. So...what's the interesting part here? What do these young women overcome? Why does it matter that they're gay? Give me something more to chew on...

Okay, mechanics time--nothing but top marks! Grammar, punctuation, sentence construction--which is a dying art, I swear! I applaud your use of a larger font, too. It was much easier for me to read, and less intimidating. The line separations between paragraphs helped, as well. (It's interesting, I think, how there is an actual psychological and physiological correlation between white space/ font size and the mental comfort of the reader.) I've already commented on theme, so I don't need to address that again here.

I will be so bold as to offer some constructive criticism on reorganization, though. Here's why. The end is rather abrupt, and even though it's a positive ending, that can be a little unfulfilling for the reader; it just kind of hurries up and finishes. I suggest you put the last three or four paragraphs at the top, then recall the girls' romance as it bloomed in flashback or retrospect. Then perhaps wrap up with a forward-looking paragraph. It kind of follows the basic guide I learned for essays:

~Tell me what you're gonna tell me: Two girls fell in love, and now they are happy

~Tell me: here's how it started, progressed (conflict?), and here we are back to the present

~Tell me what you told me: They're living happily now, and moving forward they will...?


Stories about love are the stories that matter. I can see stories about hate any time I turn on CNN. So I'm happy to see this is the style you prefer, and I look forward to reading more.

As always, Maddie, please bear in mind that my comments are just my own opinion. I mean neither disrespect nor discouragement.

Write On, Maddie!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Your Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Becka,

There's not much to go on here. The reader is left a little confused and needing more context. Does the second line imply death? Desertion? Simply a breakup? Or am I off-base in the other direction?

I would suggest reworking this into a haiku, perhaps, using that extra line to provide some context; maybe even a tanka. Japanese poetry is often distilled messages of love. Perhaps even another couplet in this current format would be anough.

Whatever you choose, I hope you add a little more to this so that the reader can feel it and absorb it a bit more.

BTW, the rating does not need to be 18+. You can leave it that way, but this is okay for everybody.

--Jeffrey
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164
Review of A Little Get Away  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lord Byron,

This reads like Mark Knopfler's "Postcards from Paraguay." *Wink*

I don't see any mechanical errors in this--grammar, punctuation, etc. The arc is clear and the character defined enough so we aren't left wondering about him. The theme is plain and understandable. That doesn't leave room for critique, just opinion!

The temptation to take is curiously strong, even at others' expense. It takes strong moral wherewithal to resist--the bigger the haul, the strong the will must be. But, as we see in the news all too often, that temptation is too hard to resist for some. The guy in your story took the money and ran, which was the smartest thing he could do. (By the way, mentioning he was in a non-extradition country was a great touch--just a brushstroke, but definitive.) Why do so many white-collar crooks in real life just stay where they are, taking and taking until they inevitably get caught? People are dumb.

The way you compound the character's lack of morals is made all the clearer by him a) screwing his secretary, b) screwing her over by ditching her and c) not giving a flying damn about any of it.

His final act of throwing the phone into the ocean, cutting all ties, is both a good ending and a temptation in and of itself. I've often wondered if my phone, water-resistant though it is, would survive in the cesspool!

(--Ooh! I found a crit! The fifth paragraph should be line-separated into 3 separate lines, as the rest of the piece. *Laugh*. I had to try to find something!)

Thanks for helping me start my morning off with a grin.

--Jeffrey
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Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sax,

Man, you have a way! I love these little scenes.

"The red door, once bright, was faded, and in its mind it was thinking of better days."


Wow. Giving the door its own memories is brilliant. Closed doors in dreams (and what is a memory if not a sort of dream?) can represent unresolved issues or transition periods, or even protection. How many unspoken words and unforgiven fights has this door contained? How many times has this door opened only to close with new souls inside? Was this door happier when you were protected inside it? Such a poetic line.

As I've mentioned in other reviews, your prose is direct and comfortable, with simple sentences that are easy to intuit. Your ending is perfect, too. It completes an arc that is more complex than the words that describe it. "...to remember them felt sad." You felt sad and uncertain to be staring at the house, the door of the house that was the portal to both your past and future felt sad, even the clouds even felt uncertain. Moving on is accretive; we hardly notice it happening. But when we revisit something, that gulf of time is suddenly palpable. As your arc demonstrates, we see something (like a house or a door), then we interpret it, then we feel it. And then we try to move on again.

I could read an entire book of these vignettes, my friend. Write On!!

--Jeffrey
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Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Denmako,

Being an agnostic, I had to read this when I saw it, to see if it was an honest essay or religious, jingoistic BS. I'm quite happy to see it is a logical, defensible essay.

Each of your points is valid, and I think they're also true. For the most part. But let me talk about the writing first, then I'll offer thoughts on the content.

The writing is strong. Excellent "5-paragraph-essay" construction. An early mentor of mine (coincidentally a church outreach mentor) gave me the best advice for any delivery, although it was the 5 Paragraph Essay we were talking about at the time:

1) Tell em what you're gonna tell em
2) Tell em
3) Tell em what you told em


You followed those instructions perfectly, and I was able to digest your essay with no problem at all. Well done.

Mechanics are all spot on, save for a comma or two (I think; commas plague me, too, sometimes). If there were one critique I would make, it would be that you might be well-served by using more comfortable verbiage. This would be a great academic contribution. But since you're talking to us fairly casual readers, perhaps a more conversational vocabulary would make for more comfortable reading for us.

Now, content. I cannot fault your presentation or logic in any way, so I'll "argue" a bit. I was raised in the Catholic cult church until I was in 6th grade. I experienced much that refutes some of your points. However, I've attended more open churches since, so I'll use those as the basis for my arguments and try not to let my earlier indoctrinations tint my rebuttals overmuch. Remember--these are my opinions, offered as respectful discussion with/against your points above. Please don't make any voodoo dolls in my likeness. *Wink*

Inclusivity vs Exclusivity: That depends on the church and the congregation. It also depends on how long you've lived in town, and that can be a tricky scenario to navigate, especially in a church. Sadly, I've experienced more exclusivity than inclusivity; I seem to perpetually be the outsider.

Diversity: I've never experienced that. The church communities I've experienced are cliquish and demographically homogenous. A lot of that is the culture of the neighborhood in which the church is situated. A lot of it is also denominational. As a white Presbyterian, I defy you to go sit in an African Episcopal Church on Sunday Morning and feel at home. (Those are just the two most widely-varied denominations I could think of; no racial disrespect intended.)

Support: So long as you haven't sinned, you get support. Once you cross that line and you've sinned, you don't get support, you take a mental, emotional, and spiritual beating, bringing you back into the ways of the church by the force of humiliation and isolation. And the infuriating thing is that the sin doesn't even have to be against God, but against the church and the congregation itself. AS it was sung, "They say you're beautiful / and they'll always let you in / but doors are never open / to the child without a trace of sin."

God: What and who is God? I think my mother's God was probably the truest I've experienced. She had a one-on-one personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It was so natural and real that if he had been with her physically, he probably would have slapped her as many times as he would have held and healed her. Her relationship was real, not guided by a church or a book--guided by her spirit and love for Jesus Christ as a friend as well as a father and teacher. I think everyone's relationship with God should be that way, according to their own understanding. Of course, that's the difference between Faith and Religion: Religion is control; Faith is freedom and peace. So...who can really teach God? Isn't Sunday School simply an inculcation of one group's understanding of God onto another group, rather than a guidance toward the concept of God?


See how well-written your essay is? I can argue or agree to each point concisely and distinctly, making discussion possible, comparison of ideas and clear thoughts. That's a superb quality for an essay, because thought and conversation are the ultimate goal for this style of writing, yes?

Great write, my friend.

--Jeffrey
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Review of Turning 20  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Legs,

I was just listening to Jackson Browne's "Running on Empty" this morning, thinking much the same thoughts. But replace 20 with 50.

We're flippant about age, when it suits us, aren't we? "Age is just a number/ what a lie." Man, you hit the nail on the head there. But twenty isn't so bad, you'll see. There's still a lot of time to make mistakes and fix them and still be alright before they're set in stone. "Take me back to 19." I read that and thought wryly, "Are you sure? You'd just have to struggle with turning 20 all over again."

You sound like an old soul, like me. It feels like time's been running out since I learned to read a clock. "It's coming closer...twenty screamed it." Take a breath, my friend, and get your feet set. The passage of time only gets faster from here, but if you're ready for it, it doesn't hurt quite so much. Not quite.

Let me offer a couple of comments on the writing itself, if I may. Really, I have only two observations, either or neither of which may help you articulate your thoughts better.

~ 1) Consider some section breaks, like stanzas; separate out each idea and image for us. Let us breath between each of your statements so we can reflect for a moment and identify.

~ 2) Consider punctuation. It can help with your cadencing. Read this out loud; listen to your pauses, your stops, your emphasis. Punctuation can help you communicate that to us, and allow us to experience the emptions at the same pace you do.


Remember, these are just suggestions, offered respectfully and encouragingly.

Here's a couple other suggestions--some popular output that you might identify with:
~Jackson Browne - Running On Empty
~Pink Floyd - Time
~Bob Seger - Night Moves
~Jackson Browne - The Pretender
~Twenty One Pilots - Stressed Out


It's a strong poem we can all identify with and that leaves us thinking. In any case, "Happy" birthday, Legwrites. *Wink*

--Jeffrey
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Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
Juice,

This is certainly intense! Children are so often the victims of the world around them, and they are left to protect themselves and each other the best they can. It's always a painful picture that is painted.

I have to be honest, though: this picture is very muddy and unclear.

This starts in the middle--of hat, we don't know, but it appears to be a fairly common occurrence for there to be violence in this house. Is there a significance to the date? Is this a journal entry? Part of a larger story? The reader is unfortunately confused from the start.

Punctuation and plurality issues are a problem throughout, but I'm not responding to pick on you. I think if this can start being ironed out, the ideas need better organization. Here's how the story reads right now:

1) There is damage and violence happening around us again.
2) We hide and try to protect each other.
3) My mother gave birth to me under less-than-ideal circumstances.
4) We escape the house.
5) We have inconsistent reactions to the recent stress.
6) We smoke.
7) We go to sleep.


As we can see in these condensed bullet points, there's really no arc here; it's just throughput from point A to point B, with no character development, story exposition, conflict/resolution element. As a specific example of the thematic organization problems, the circumstances of the narrator's birth don't belong in the middle of this. That detail could go there if it was organized better, introduced more smoothly, and moved away from with more purpose. Right now, it's random, at best.

This is a dark picture you have written, but it is an important one. "The kids are not alright." Well, you certainly capture that here. I'd be interested to see this reorganized and thought through more, cleaned up a bit. You have something here you just need to ...Write On!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Terrible Teens  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Amateur,

(Feels weird addressing someone like that. *Silent*)

This is an interesting flash. The first thing I notice is the wealth of physical description. I am able to visualize the parents, especially Prudence, quite well; just their garb already hints at their personalities. That's a nice, economic use of descriptors, achieving two goals at once. The clash of generations is depicted clearly as well.

There are some points that I saw that need a bit of work, too. In this case, the first thing that stood out was the lack of an actual story arc or thematic arc. The story is unresolved, either through action, dialog, or closing narrative commentary. The reader is left asking "And...?"

You should probably revisit some mechanical issues, as well. You have several punctuation errors. This always seems like nitpicking, but punctuation tells the reader when to breathe, when to pause, when to think about what was just said; it controls the rhythm and cadence of the piece, often allowing the author to speed up or slow down action and emotion in the story without the need of words. I'll give just a couple instances of where punctuation ius needed and leave the rest to your own capable eyes.

         "I really don't understand this lazy generation," he moans. "It's like groundhog day every morning with her.".

         Prudence gasps in anger, struggling to catch her breath. "Arabelle, get up and get dressed. when my parents called me in the morning, I would spring out of bed straight away, get dressed, Mum and Dad inspect our uniform, and then-- and not until then-- had we breakfast!"

As demonstrated in the second example above, you've also got some run-on sentences plaguing these paragraphs, as well.

My last note on mechanics is with regard to tense agreement. Your first sentence is in the past tense: "Prudence Sternwood yelled." You then shift into present tense when the husband begins speaking. "...this lazy generation' he moans..." It's important to keep a narrative primarily in the past or the present--either this already happened, or it's happening now.

This last comment is NOT about the story itself; it's about the portfolio item settings. We all want to read and be read. To increase your chances of readers finding your work, I suggest you utilize the Genre Tags. (I have the bad habit of skipping over this, myself *Frown*) For example, this story might fit into the genres of "Teen," "Parenting," and "Young Adult." Readers searching for genres they prefer are more likely to find your work this way. Also, use the Brief Description field to your advantage. The text you enter in this field is like the synopsis on the back of a novel or a headline in a newspaper, and if it's not interesting, the story it describes is much less likely to be read.

I hope some of these comments are helpful, and moreover, I hope they're all encouraging. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Write On!

--Jeffrey
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Review of The battle  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Tannus,

I'm late to the party on this one, but it's timeless anyway, so I guess I'm alright. Man, the number of times I've wanted to just let the dog off the leash! But, as you say, we settle on the side of civility. It's a universal feeling I guess, so I better keep my own dog on the chain unless I want someone else's anger-hound to chew me up!

The overall tone of this is akin to one of my favorite Robert Frost poems--"The Door in the Dark" (https://www.poetryverse.com/robert-frost-poems/the...). There is a playfulness to it that is attractive, but a real experience in which the reader can share. Frost knocked himself senseless, whereas this piece wants to knock someone else senseless. *Wink*

My favorite line was
         "To envision the hand open and in flight
         gives an ear to ear grin of delight"

So, so shamefully truer...!

Let me offer a few comments by way of constructive criticism (even though this is 7 years old, now). Primarily, I think you could better present this poem by adding a little punctuation. Punctuation is often forsaken in poetry, but it can really help keep individual thoughts clear. It can also help break up the sing-song tendency in verse. As a brief example, here's the first five lines with some punctuation.

         There are times when you have that
         sudden urge to strike out,
         But civility helps you swallow the shout.
         The sudden rage that builds up inside
         swells to an unfathomable bull ride!

Whether wish to or not to consider the punctuation, "ear to ear" should be "ear-to-ear," because the entire phrase is an adjective.

I liked this somewhat amusing musing on the battle to hold one's temper-- a nice reminder for starting a Monday morning!

--Jeffrey
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Review of The Truth Is...  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Schnujo,

This is an interesting piece that reminds me a little of the poem Stephen King's character, Jake Chambers, wrote in "The Waste Lands."

The message is clear: there's a lot of stuff that's true; some of it's pretty weird; and too much of it is simply disturbing. This freeform presentation, with the repetition of "the truth is" on every line is an uncommon tool, and it calls the reader's attention. I think it was a good choice.

I wonder if there would be any benefit to pruning sofe of the longer items-- removing articles or clauses, fit insurance--to give it more uniform flow from one truth to the next. It also struck me that resequencing the points (for instance, humorous to banal to strange to disturbing) might help direct the reader along a thematic arc, rather than a random collection of points.

I read back through this a few times because I find it so interesting. I'll probably read it a few more, you. So thanks for for leaving it up for us latecomers. And thanks, and thanks again.

--Jeffrey
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Review of Flower Fields  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fyn,

Oh, this is lovely indeed. Hope and reality are bitter enemies, from what I've experienced, and it seems the object of this poem has come to the same sad conclusion. The pattern of the one-word lines is wonderful. If there is a term for that, I have forgotten it. It works so well for a contrast here: the same brushstrokes that painted her bright morning also paint her stormy evening.

Let me touch on a couple of small items, as constructive observations. "One" in line 8 should probably still be "her," since the object of the poem is definite, not indefinite; and the colon after "waiting" is not needed.

This is a wonderful poem, and a bittersweet way to start the day. I'm glad to have had the opportunity to read and leave a comment.

--Jeffrey
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Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Sophy,

I like to hike--I love it. But, as in this poem, I prefer to road-hike, to "walk along the edge of the unpaved road." This poem spoke to me deeply. The only difference in my own sentiment is that: a) I wore boots, because my walks were usually 5 to 10 miles, and b) I preferred to leave no trace. It's a very weird way to look at it, but the road was there before me, without my marks, and it should stay that way--deserves to stay that way. Either way, there was nothing like walking with just the sound of my feet on the ground to hint that there were people anywhere nearby.

The poem is bittersweet, though. You'll notice I mention it in the past tense. I can't or don't take those hikes anymore, and I miss them terribly. This poem brought back memories of that important time so exactly that I sighed while reading it, as if I had met an old friend after years of separation.

I always look for a constructive note to leave. The only one I can even think to offer for this poem is that "Tevas" broke me out of the generality of the scene. "Sandals" or even "shoes" would have worked better for me. But that's just me.

Excellent poem (as though you've never heard that in the twenty years it's been here! *Wink*). A great way to start my day.

--Jeffrey
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Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Enigma,

The opening of this story is unique in my experience--a woman going into an anesthetic state. Way to grab my attention!

The story arcs across some dark territory, skimming the surface of the painful past, but offering enough detail to break the reader's heart. The resurrection of hope through Him is a fine completion of the arc, as the woman/storyteller closes down into the anesthetic. I am left wondering, though, because of the gravitas of the piece: is she going into emergency surgery? Is she actually dying? The mention of oblivion as an alternative to the anesthetic is a clue...to something. There is a finality in the tone that suggests she is closing her eyes forever and taking his love with her. They say "you can't take it with you when you go," but perhaps that's not always true...

Your mechanics leave nothing to be reproached--grammar, punctuation, organization. Your formatting was quite comfortable, as well, selecting a slightly larger font with wider line-spacing. Good choice.

I really have no constructive criticism to offer; this is a complete, tight piece. I leave wondering if she will come back into the world for her "Luv," or meet him out beyond the void... I leave wondering. Which means I will be back for more of your writing to satisfy the itch wonder leaves behind.

Well done. Write On!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Ode to BMV  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is hilarious...and absolutely impossible to believe! I went to an office in a city I won't name where I was CERTAIN the CSRs took a course in rudeness. They acted like I was interrupting their day!

The lines of "O how I love you" made me sing it to the tune of The Moody Blues' Nights in White Satin. *Laugh*

One hopes, now 11 years later, this wonderful office is now open somewhere. Hopefully in this dimension. Nice piece.

Glad I found this for a quick spirit-lift this afternoon.

--Jeffrey
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