Ok. You wanted an honest review. Here goes... I was interestefod from the start and it held my interest throughout. However, I got lost when I read the second last paragraph. I could not figure our if the cashier and the "man behind the counter" were the same man. And who was he pointing the gun at? the gunman who just burst in or the other guy with chips down his pants?y
In the last paragraph, you call someone the vagrant and I could not follow that logic.ja
You did a great job bringing it together in the last paragraph,
although it did not seem to relate to the Mystery/Thriller Suspense/Crime/gangster.
Wow. That is powerful. I felt the emotions and could almost see the many places he took you with his books. I am so sorry to hear of his passing. But he left you with a wonderful gift of memories that should always bring you comfort during those trying times he talked about.
As far as grammar and punctuation, I think you did quite well. I could not find any errors. But I have to admit that I was more caught up in the whole story you so eloquently told. Thank you for sharing.
I honestly don't know how I feel about this poem. I agree this is just a massacre to be watched by those not faint of heart. But why do men find the "sport" of killing so appealing? That, I will never understand. In the US we have Deer Hunting Season, which is basically putting bullets in the hands of men (Women, and children) to do the same thing. Kill an innocent beast. However the only justification I have for that is that the beast is used to supply the families with meat for food. I think you did a very nice job on this. However, the first stanza, "your" is spelled incorrectly unless that was intentional, then forgive me for presuming.
A very nice poem about time and the busyness of life. You certainly make the picture clear on how we spend our time. So much time is wasted. And we are forever seeking a way to capture more time. I thought the verses about killing time were done quite well. Thanks.
What an amazing sight that must have been. I envy you and all those who witnessed this amazing event.
I like what you write. I should say I appreciate your outlook on life. You give credit to Alllah which to me is God, which is the same as what I do. I hope you don't mind but I love to learn about other cultures, can I call you my friend on WDC? I want to read more of your work and I too may have questions. Please consider me a friend too.
I like this poem. It brings back what a playful time and no cares to cramp our style. It is a long poem but I love the way it ended so abruptly. It reminds us that we are adults now and it is no longer playtime but No playtime at all, even as adults can make us very dull. Even as adults, we need to relax a bit and find the joy in just the living.
The only part I stumbled at was this: There was paper airplanes
and frisking in the rains
I know you were probably just trying to rhyme, but it made me stumble, which I consider something to be looked at by the author for clarification or rework. I hope you don't mind me being honest. I think that is how we learn and grow. Thank you for sharing. You do have a gift of letting us see the world through a child's eye.
I love the way each of us writers can read the same instructions and we all come up with different ways to look at life. This assignment was for us to write what the cup of life tastes like. I really like the very vivid descriptions you give, like "tasting each bitter letter as I type" with the African music throbbing in the background. Good Stuff.
But I did have a bit of trouble understanding how we got from there to the "horrific theme of genocide in which I drowned for two hours". Was this part of the same movie? It almost sounds like you are talking about a second movie. I just had trouble keeping the same tempo for the last half of the descriptions.
Otherwise, l really liked it. Maybe I am just tired tonite. Thank you for sharing.
Well. I thought this was very good. especially because you put to words what many before you have wrestled with. And it doesn't matter the time of day or night. When love finds another road to travel out of our lives it can be devastating.
The one problem I have with this piece is that you start talking about it/something/it. I feel anyone or anything that expressed that much love toward you at one time or another deserves respect /or anger, but direct it at what it really is. You don't have to be specific but the line"It is like you wake up and "it" is on your mind, but you don't know if "it" needs you. What is really on your mind? Is it your partner, the love and how it made you feel, or a horse?
And to answer the age-old question of "if I get another chance, will I blow it?", You might. But I think it is a chance worth making. Well, that is about all ai have to say. I hope this review helps you see that this is very good work. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very sweet poem. It is brimming with images and thoughts of love. I could feel the pain you once were in, but I could also feel the joy of new love blossoming. This was a very nice little poem. And I love the last line (it was because of you) That really helped to make this an outstanding poem in my books.
I think you could build a great story around this little piece. When I first read it, I thought of a vampire twist kind of story. But I think it could work as well in just about any genre. I an also see a western plot to this. The only part that threw me off a bit was where she laughed "morbidly". I guess that is why I first thought of a vampire theme.
I wish you luck in finding plots to fulfill your "snip its" of ideas. Thank you for sharing.
Hello. I am sending this review because I see your efforts in trying to be in your own business. I was in business for a very long time as a documentation specialist.
The first question I have is, what do you mean by copy? Are you talking about copy papers, or how to copy your skills and instill those best practices in others. I think it would be beneficial to make this distinction.
Anyway, the first thing I noticed was the following sentence"
Would a go to person to consult about your copy help you run your business
more efficiently and give you more time to do what’s important: landing new clients
and effectively nurturing the ones you have?
I believe you have two incomplete thoughts running together here. I do not know exactly how you meant to say this.
These were just my thoughts on this read. Thank you for sharing.
Interesting. Normally I would pass up a genre that said it was a scary horror story of any kind. But, I thought I would try this one because it honestly looked like a short story. And I must say, it kept me intrigued through the whole story. I could not find any errors of any kind so you did a wonderful job with this.
Thank you for sharing.
Wow! This was very interesting and a great way to look at our world.
Although I did not necessarily find any blatant typo kind of errors, I did stumble over a few sentences. First off was the first sentence... I am a lone in ... I could not figure out what it was until I read further. So I believe in this case, the word should be ... I am alone in .... Just a suggestion. There are several places that after I read again, I do no stumble as much but one example would be: ...fthe fights break... I am not sure what they break so I think it should say fights break out... again, just a suggestion.
But overall, this kept my interest. Thank you for sharing.
I must say that aside from the typographical and grammatical errors, this story was an interesting read, in a sort of predicatible way. By that I mean, that as I was reading the very colorful descriptions (which is what kept me reading more), I kept thinking in the back of my mind that somewhere along this journey, he must meet someone. So it was not a surprise when he did meet someone. But I think it was a nice read. Thank you for sharing.
I really like the way your poetry flows. This is a short and sweet poem that carries a big punch. You have a nice easy rythm throughout the entire poem. You express the conditions of the heart of the character with much emotion I am thouroughly enjoying each one.
I think this is a very emotional piece and you have expressed it very well. This probably speaks to the heart of many. It spoke to mine. I almost wish I had written it to help express what I feel. You did a great job and I would like to peruse some of your other works if you do not mind.
I am not a professional reviewer, I just like to read others work and express my thoughts to maybe help give some useful critique. I personally don't think this piece needs any critism from me.
This is a very interesting piece. Very cerebral. However, I almost feel like there are two different poems here or that they could be arranged a bit differently. What I am saying is the first and third stanzas seem to go together and have a similar look and feel. I love the middle stanza and that could almost stand on its own.
Just a different way to look at an already very thought-provoking piece.
Thank you for sharing.
Wow, this poem is so expressive! It amazes me how every writer I’ve come across is so adept at making the reader feel the emotions for the piece. You have expressed this very clearly. I especially like the sentence, “two distinct paths merging at the point of vulnerabilitry”. I am sure many of us have been there, but this phrase is so true. Very well done. Thank you for the opportunity to read this.
This character sounds intriguing because you start out with her feelings which leads into her perceptions of herself and ends with a strong Allie. Yes, I wanted to read further to see how it plays out. I don’t believe you need all the punctuation after each line, it becomes a bit distracting. Poems like this are generally punctuated just by the hard return of each line.
It seems clear that you are a presence in her life and see her as a strong person who will come out in top but, have you told her that? By the sounds of it, she may need your reassurance and draw strenghth from you.
I keep rereading the lines, “it was fate and pure fate”, to see how it applies, and if anything, this is where I think you may want to clarify.
Also, the line “little did she knew herself” should be “little did she know”. One more... maybe you could say “even as a greater pal”. It felt like the line was cut too short.
Overall, I think it is a solid lyrical poem and I thank you for the opportunity to review this.
What a lovely way to put together the Names of the Lord God. I have seen printed lists in various versions of "the Names of God" before but it was never done so eloquently. Plus this makes it easier to remember them. This was very well done. Thank you for sharing.
Wow! What a great poem. I had never seen a slam poem before so I thought I would start with the first one I found, this one. I understand the feelings the writer is going through to try to write without thinking. That can be difficult, but I know when I get the feeling to write, I just start with words that pop out of my head and then i just keep going. Sometimes, I think I am going to write a short story and it ends up a poem instead. But sometimes, some nice items have been written.
Anyway, this was a great explanation of the process one goes through when trying to write. Great job. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very skillfully written poem about an all too common problem in relationships today. Maybe it has been that way for a long time. I don't know, I just know that I can remember those days where a touch of any kind meant the world and more. I think this was very well done. Thank you for sharing this.