I liked this poem. But, I am a lot like you. My attention span is not what it used to be, so I read this in its entirety, in two parts. You use very nice visuals. I like the history of this poem too. My only real criticism is it seemed a bit long for me or my tastes. Otherwise,I liked the poem and wish you well in your pursuits in writing.
Ok. You wanted an honest review. Here goes... I was interestefod from the start and it held my interest throughout. However, I got lost when I read the second last paragraph. I could not figure our if the cashier and the "man behind the counter" were the same man. And who was he pointing the gun at? the gunman who just burst in or the other guy with chips down his pants?y
In the last paragraph, you call someone the vagrant and I could not follow that logic.ja
You did a great job bringing it together in the last paragraph,
although it did not seem to relate to the Mystery/Thriller Suspense/Crime/gangster.
Wow. That is powerful. I felt the emotions and could almost see the many places he took you with his books. I am so sorry to hear of his passing. But he left you with a wonderful gift of memories that should always bring you comfort during those trying times he talked about.
As far as grammar and punctuation, I think you did quite well. I could not find any errors. But I have to admit that I was more caught up in the whole story you so eloquently told. Thank you for sharing.
I love the way each of us writers can read the same instructions and we all come up with different ways to look at life. This assignment was for us to write what the cup of life tastes like. I really like the very vivid descriptions you give, like "tasting each bitter letter as I type" with the African music throbbing in the background. Good Stuff.
But I did have a bit of trouble understanding how we got from there to the "horrific theme of genocide in which I drowned for two hours". Was this part of the same movie? It almost sounds like you are talking about a second movie. I just had trouble keeping the same tempo for the last half of the descriptions.
Otherwise, l really liked it. Maybe I am just tired tonite. Thank you for sharing.
Well. I thought this was very good. especially because you put to words what many before you have wrestled with. And it doesn't matter the time of day or night. When love finds another road to travel out of our lives it can be devastating.
The one problem I have with this piece is that you start talking about it/something/it. I feel anyone or anything that expressed that much love toward you at one time or another deserves respect /or anger, but direct it at what it really is. You don't have to be specific but the line"It is like you wake up and "it" is on your mind, but you don't know if "it" needs you. What is really on your mind? Is it your partner, the love and how it made you feel, or a horse?
And to answer the age-old question of "if I get another chance, will I blow it?", You might. But I think it is a chance worth making. Well, that is about all ai have to say. I hope this review helps you see that this is very good work. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very sweet poem. It is brimming with images and thoughts of love. I could feel the pain you once were in, but I could also feel the joy of new love blossoming. This was a very nice little poem. And I love the last line (it was because of you) That really helped to make this an outstanding poem in my books.
I think you could build a great story around this little piece. When I first read it, I thought of a vampire twist kind of story. But I think it could work as well in just about any genre. I an also see a western plot to this. The only part that threw me off a bit was where she laughed "morbidly". I guess that is why I first thought of a vampire theme.
I wish you luck in finding plots to fulfill your "snip its" of ideas. Thank you for sharing.
Interesting. Normally I would pass up a genre that said it was a scary horror story of any kind. But, I thought I would try this one because it honestly looked like a short story. And I must say, it kept me intrigued through the whole story. I could not find any errors of any kind so you did a wonderful job with this.
Thank you for sharing.
Wow! This was very interesting and a great way to look at our world.
Although I did not necessarily find any blatant typo kind of errors, I did stumble over a few sentences. First off was the first sentence... I am a lone in ... I could not figure out what it was until I read further. So I believe in this case, the word should be ... I am alone in .... Just a suggestion. There are several places that after I read again, I do no stumble as much but one example would be: ...fthe fights break... I am not sure what they break so I think it should say fights break out... again, just a suggestion.
But overall, this kept my interest. Thank you for sharing.
I must say that aside from the typographical and grammatical errors, this story was an interesting read, in a sort of predicatible way. By that I mean, that as I was reading the very colorful descriptions (which is what kept me reading more), I kept thinking in the back of my mind that somewhere along this journey, he must meet someone. So it was not a surprise when he did meet someone. But I think it was a nice read. Thank you for sharing.
This is a very interesting piece. Very cerebral. However, I almost feel like there are two different poems here or that they could be arranged a bit differently. What I am saying is the first and third stanzas seem to go together and have a similar look and feel. I love the middle stanza and that could almost stand on its own.
Just a different way to look at an already very thought-provoking piece.
Thank you for sharing.
Wow, this poem is so expressive! It amazes me how every writer I’ve come across is so adept at making the reader feel the emotions for the piece. You have expressed this very clearly. I especially like the sentence, “two distinct paths merging at the point of vulnerabilitry”. I am sure many of us have been there, but this phrase is so true. Very well done. Thank you for the opportunity to read this.
This character sounds intriguing because you start out with her feelings which leads into her perceptions of herself and ends with a strong Allie. Yes, I wanted to read further to see how it plays out. I don’t believe you need all the punctuation after each line, it becomes a bit distracting. Poems like this are generally punctuated just by the hard return of each line.
It seems clear that you are a presence in her life and see her as a strong person who will come out in top but, have you told her that? By the sounds of it, she may need your reassurance and draw strenghth from you.
I keep rereading the lines, “it was fate and pure fate”, to see how it applies, and if anything, this is where I think you may want to clarify.
Also, the line “little did she knew herself” should be “little did she know”. One more... maybe you could say “even as a greater pal”. It felt like the line was cut too short.
Overall, I think it is a solid lyrical poem and I thank you for the opportunity to review this.
What a lovely way to put together the Names of the Lord God. I have seen printed lists in various versions of "the Names of God" before but it was never done so eloquently. Plus this makes it easier to remember them. This was very well done. Thank you for sharing.
Wow! What a great poem. I had never seen a slam poem before so I thought I would start with the first one I found, this one. I understand the feelings the writer is going through to try to write without thinking. That can be difficult, but I know when I get the feeling to write, I just start with words that pop out of my head and then i just keep going. Sometimes, I think I am going to write a short story and it ends up a poem instead. But sometimes, some nice items have been written.
Anyway, this was a great explanation of the process one goes through when trying to write. Great job. Thank you for sharing.
This was beautiful. I would feel the building up of the excitement of love and then the crash when the lover had to die. Very heartwarming indeed. I especially like the transition phrase that you used so the reader is always aware of the next event. Thank you for sharing.
This poem had a different feel than many I have reviewed. Although it is not really lyrical it does portray a sense of rhyming. I personally think some of the rhymed words were a stretch (such as rhyming antelope and common trope) but it does elicit the calming thoughts of a wonderful breakfast which is often one of the best food type memories. Thank you for sharing.
I can feel the pain in this piece and I think it says a lot. I have a couple of suggestions for you. I am by no means, a professions poetry anything but this is what I
would say:
Not a single day goes by when I do not think about you,
Not a single moment passes when I do not wish for things to be different.
Not a single prayer is said when I do not pray to be with you,
Not a single morning goes by when I do not want to wake up next to you.
Situations could have been better
We would have been happier.
I'm craving for a crumb of solace
To bring down this agony and see your face.
Now that you're not here these days
My life is similar to a sea without waves.
To me you're a distant star,
that twinkles admist the dark.
I'm a little girl who sees you from the shore,
Where the winds prohibits me to meet you.
All that I know is wherever life takes me,
My destiny lies only with you.
No matter if fate takes us farther
Our souls will always be together!
I hope this helps. I think this is a good starting place and I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing. If you would be so kind as to review one of my works which is similar, I would appreciate it. It is called "Hearts in Torment" ID 1701326. Thank you and have a great day.
I found this to be very interesting, relaxing, sad, beautiful, and peaceful. All at the same time. All of the expressions are of comfort in some way which we all need in our dark moments. Very well done. I appreciate it because i wrote a similar piece during one of my dearest and most stressful moments. I would appreciate it if you could take a look at my work called "Spa Day" ID 1692976.
I enjoyed this very much. I too have insomnia and it drives you crazy sometimes. The only stanza I am having trouble with is the mattress. I does not seem to flow as well as the others. But I like that you included the woes of the mattress too. Thank you for sharing.
I personally really like this poem. It reflects a lot of what I feel about the seasons. I wrote a poem with a similar title called Retrospective Countdown which is why your poem caught my eye. However, our viewpoints were a bit different. I really like how you expressed the various seasons. I wrote another poem called, Sometimes I Need, which talks about the changing of the seasons. But, again, I like the way you put this together. Thank you.
This little poem speaks volumes! I understand because I come from a very similar place. I have always had a shyness problem that kept me from speaking in even the most comfortable arenas. Thank you for sharing.
The expressions of despair are so vivid and they so vividly express my own experience of same that I found myself cringing at the thought of reading more. Very well done. The art of leaving it to ones imagination is not easily achieved but you did a fine job.
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