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539 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Open, honest, kind. I'm a professionally published author so my feedback tends to be straightforward. I'm not good at making my writing fluffy but if I give praise, I truly mean it (and it's not easily given). I tend to avoid pieces that are too overly full of mistakes and issues as that is more time consuming than I have time for so please be sure to submit a full edited work, rather than a rough first draft. Proud member of
 
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#1300305 by NightMaryann
, and Simply Positive!
I'm good at...
Identifying the good and the bad as a reader and then providing suggestions for improvement. I am good at getting to the heart of the matter. I will tell you not only what's wrong, but offer suggestions that might help you figure out how to fix it. I don't do line by lines unless the piece is polished enough to deserve it. I also rarely review pieces I don't like so a review from me means the piece was good enough to capture my attention in some way.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, dystopia, thriller, suspense, some horror, children's, some historical, speculative. Non-fiction is ok too.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, NSFW, or anything too gratuitously graphic, gory, or violent. Nothing religious or political. No werewolves or vampires please.
Favorite Item Types
Short story, novel, novella, some poetry
I will not review...
Things I don't feel drawn to. You can't please everyone all the time so please don't take it personally if I decline or don't respond. And sometimes I'm just too busy to log on, although I am trying to log on daily. NO vampires/werewolves.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Jake  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

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This is a very interesting story draft. I found myself really wanting to know what happened with Jake - whether he would survive or not. I can't remember what the word count limit is for What a Character so take these suggestions with a grain of salt. I could definitely see this develop into a longer piece with more richness and detail.

*Starp* Plot
The plot is straightforward - Jake is on the run, I believe, from his brother and has been for several days.

A couple thoughts I had were it seemed like you spent a lot of time on the mother which could be trimmed to return more word count to you. Simply show it through his thoughts. "Mother wouldn't be pleased to know... The dying wish part is still good but I'd trim the other elements. We need to know her wish but not that she'd never know he didn't fulfill it - that's a given since she's dead.

*Starr* Characters
Jake is a pretty sympathetic character at this point and I am not sure that he meets the criteria of an anti-hero. Although, I suppose him running away makes him a coward, which might be anti-hero in its own way. But still, it would be nice to have something a little more - a character flaw that's a little bigger. Maybe that could come out in the end as he fights for his life and somehow manages to break his own moral promise not to kill instead of the way it is now. Just a couple thoughts for you to chew on.

*Staro* Story Development & Pacing
The biggest issue I have with this story is that there is no showing, it's all telling. You must show us this happening including using all the senses. What does he hear? What does the creek smell like and look like? Is the water clean or dirty?

Also, it's a little unclear to me who the man is at the end. Is it his pursuer or someone new? Is it Chad?

*Starg* Conflict & Conclusion
The conflict and conclusion are pretty clear. However, there's a bit of a plot problem in that the people in the farm would be pretty hard to control with that many people. Five versus seven almost guarantees someone will escape. I would think about who's going to control who and visualize the scene to get a better handle on the mechanics. Then use some of those details to show us what happens rather than just telling us about it. This is the real meat of your story and is the inciting incident which we need to partake in. This is what causes Jake to run.

*Starb* Creativity & Originality
This held my attention throughout and left me interested to know what would happen. But the mechanics of the could use some work, especially with showing instead of telling. Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 has some great resources and information about that as well as a contest monthly.

*Starv* Suggestions
I would look at your sentences and word choices and tighten them to be more concise. Here's some examples:


His plan, he didn't really have one, but he figured the kid couldn't track him through the water. So right now his plan was to stay in the water and go wherever the creek went.


He didn't have a plan, other than to stay in the water and go wherever the creek took him. Hopefully, the kid couldn't track him through the water.

This creates more tension and has the details in the right order. It also allows you to remove the next line about hopefully having a plan. Because he does have a plan - to follow the creek and avoid his pursuer.

It's been two days, non stop, his pursuer was relentless.
You have a tense change in this sentence. This should be "It had been two days, nonstop..." The next part is redundant and unnecessary - we can tell he's relentless from the pursuit. What we need to feel is how he feels. Is he exhausted? Do his bones and muscles ache? Is he used to this type of thing or is it new and a hardship? Show us those details so we feel what he feels.

Also, five years is a long time between the catalyst and the reaction of the killings. Usually killers have a trigger and immediately, or pretty quickly, act. I would say 5 days, rather than 5 years. Same thing with the second killing - it might happen a week later or a day later but not a year.

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
There's plenty of little tweaks that could be made to this but these are the bigger issues I see for the contest. I really hope this helps and I haven't confused you. Feel free to email me if you have any questions.

Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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2
2
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It's funny but we had two of the same examples. I saw Unbelievable and it was an incredible story. This isn't a review as much as it's just a comment.


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3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

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I love the originality of this poem. It's not a topic I see very often and comes across as very whimsical and nostalgic. I like the repetition of the concept and the contrast between old men and young boys. I love the idea that men don't lose their dreams as they age but just have accomplished some of them. The title is excellent and immediately hooked my attention. Great job choosing your genres too.

*Starv* Suggestions
There are a couple places which tripped me up when reading. Also, this reads a bit like prose in a free verse form so there's some places that could have some language tweaks in my opinion. I'm no expert but I've been dabbling in poetry for 20 years. That said, use your own judgement for how you want the poem to flow and know these are only suggestions toward improving the piece. I don't have your vision.

I have listed my edits by line so as to not copy the whole poem down.

L3 = Line 3: exactly seems a little redundant here. You might be going for something lyrical but consider it without that word to see if it's stronger and more concise without losing essence.

L11: The wording "Just as if on" is a bit odd and could be stronger. Maybe try leaving off "just" since that's a redundant wording or substitute "like". I really stumbled when reading it so it's worth looking at it to see if you can reword it.

L13: I don't understand this line. What's a dream got to do with this? It confuses me. You just talked about a roller coaster ride, are they laughing on the roller coaster ride?

L23: Again, the word just jumped out at me as unnecessary. You could also lose either as the word 'or' fulfills the need there.

L26: "that" is not needed

L38: "break more easy" doesn't seem right to me. More easily makes more sense, even though it's an adverb, it's a necessary one.

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
Like I said, I love the nostalgic, whimsical nature of this. It tells a great story as all good poetry does. Great job! Hope these suggestions help.

Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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4
4
Review of The Guardian  
In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hello Simple Spider , thanks for requesting a review. I was delighted to read your story and appreciate you reaching out to me privately for a review.

*Starp* Plot
The plot might be one of the best parts of this story as you brought me along expertly through the twists and turns of the story but I was never lost. I especially love the opening - what a great start to a story! You've put us right in the action, just as you should. The character's confusion comes through very clearly.

*Starr* Characters
There's three primary characters - Jim, Mr. Greenpeace, and Alice. There's also two demons. Each character is well-developed and clear. I love all of them!

*Staro* Story Development & Pacing
The story develops in a solid way - moving smoothly with no hiccups.

*Stary* Dialogue
The dialogue has no issues and works to progress the story well.

*Starg* Conflict & Conclusion
The conflict could be a little bit stronger and I make suggestions on that below.

*Starb* Creativity & Originality
I love the creativity with this, it's very original.

*Starv* Suggestions
Be careful your use of it's and its. In this instance, "it’s image" should be its or the.

I didn't care much for the name Mr. Greenpeace. For some reason it felt like an inside joke I didn't get. This could be a personal thing so I thought I'd mention it just in case.

I felt like I wanted to know what would be so terrible about being without a vessel. It felt like that would make the stakes higher but it fell flat without more information. We need to know what's at risk here.

"Shall we!" should be "Shall we?"

I would look at your adverb usage (words ending in -ly) and try to find better ways to describe where possible. Here's an example:

"Immediately, I felt the strangest feeling of revulsion, a kind of nausea."
For this, immediately isn't necessary and the sentence is stronger (IMO) without it. It's more immediate without the adverb. Adverbs tend to slow your writing down for the reader so removing them will speed things along.

However, sometimes you NEED adverbs because there's no other way so be careful not to remove all of them. For example, "Clearly, I had made a mistake." This is a necessary adverb as it adds flavor to the writing and removing it destroys the essence of the sentence. It's also ok if it's in dialogue as part of the character's speech.

I would remove the following adverbs: slowly, apparently, suddenly, definitely, quickly, easily, incredibly, carefully, slightly,

This could be reworded better: "there were twenty small trees, perfectly manicured bonzai." Perhaps "there were twenty small, perfectly manicured bonzai."

"She was almost certain that David, her little brother, had almost certainly had a wonderful dream himself." Double use of almost. This sentence needs to be strong, powerful. "She was certain David, her little bother, had a wonderful dream too."

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
This is a great and uplifting story. With some minor tweaks it can be a little stronger but the content and heart of the story are very strong. Excellent job!


Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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5
5
Review of The Story Box  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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#2188408 by Charlieee 🌈 <<sick>>


*Heartg* Theme/Subject Matter:
I've never experienced Alzheimer's in a family member - it seems our family is immune to it. My grandmother lived to 95 and was sharp until dementia set it in the last year or two. But watching a loved one slowly lose themselves is hard. You've done an excellent portrayal of that.

*Heartt* Originality/Creativity:
There's great originality throughout this especially with all the showing happening here.

*Heartg* Emotion/Impact:
I found myself delighted in Beth who was a kind, caring, and sympathetic character. I also liked the father who was able to remember a bittersweet memory of his kids.

*Heartt* My Favorite Part:
The transition from not recognizing her to recognizing Beth. It was beautifully handled.

*Heartg* My Suggestions:
The transition to his perspective is a bit abrupt and confusing. I believe this qualifies as head hopping in the story. I'm not sure the best way to resolve it other than for him to start talking.

Here is where the transition is needed:
He could see himself jogging behind the bike, one hand gripped beneath the seat, the sweat beading his brow, his shirt sticking to his chest. And Peter, just six years old, scrambling among the branches of the old maple. He yelled and waved, his shirt so red against the lush summer leaves.

It might be better if it were "He jogged behind the bike" instead.

*Heartt* Summary:
This is an excellent portrayal of the disorder and a great piece. I felt the poignancy of the ending very sharply. Great job!

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6
6
Review of invincible?  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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#2188408 by Charlieee 🌈 <<sick>>


*Heartg* Theme/Subject Matter:
The theme and subject matter are clear for this poem. I didn't quite like this as much as the earlier one I reviewed but that could just be subjective taste. It definitely detailed the ups and downs of mania accurately.

*Heartt* My Favorite Part:
I love the last line - very true!

*Heartg* My Suggestions:
I think this starts a little awkwardly. First line might benefit from adding My before the mind and then removing from the second line. This will center us better in what you're talking about.

Also, I'm not sure about the line, "This Empress needs her crown". I think if you remove it and move the last line up, it might have a stronger impact.

*Heartt* Summary:
I gave this a 3.5 mainly because I had to read it three times before I could really appreciate it. There's nothing wrong with the poem per se, it just didn't strike me well. Poetry is very subjective so don't let that bother you too much.

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7
7
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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#2188408 by Charlieee 🌈 <<sick>>


*Heartg* Theme/Subject Matter:
I think this piece hits at the heart of the stigma around mental illness. You've nailed it's essence from an outside perspective without belaboring it or filling the piece with angst which is easier to do.

*Heartt* My Favorite Part:
I love the first stanza and the overall flow of the poem. It moves extremely well from thought to thought without any hiccups or awkwardness.
There's a nice natural rhythm and rhyming.

I especially love stanza four which really shows the emotional landscape here. Excellently done and great language choices!

*Heartg* My Suggestions:
None that I can see. The punctuation is even good, which sometimes is ignored in poetry.

*Heartt* Summary:
I've given this a 5.0 and would love to see this published somewhere. Great work!

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8
8
Review of 68 Minutes  
In affiliation with Mental Health Writers Alliance  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#2188408 by Charlieee 🌈 <<sick>>


Hi Ken! I was surprised to learn that I have reviewed this previously years ago, while writing under my pen name Shelly Keyes. I'm re-reviewing it as part of the mental health challenge to update my feedback.

*Heartg* Theme/Subject Matter:
I find it heartbreaking the amount of bullying that happens in schools and on school buses. I don't understand why our young people behave this way. Is it because of what they're taught or because of what they're not taught? The factors are many and complex, to be sure. But in this simple poem you've painted a painful picture full of heartbreak. I agree not all abuse is done by adults. I hope with successive generations we'll learn better ways to handling conflict and our differences as well as more tolerance of each other. It's something I've worked hard to teach my children.

*Heartt* Originality/Creativity:
There's a ton of originality here and a real poignant pain.

*Heartg* Emotion/Impact:
There's great depth and emotion throughout.

*Heartt* My Favorite Part:
I especially like the opening paragraph. Broken trust, indeed.

*Heartg* My Suggestions:
A couple areas that you might want to look at again or tighten:

Stanza 4, sentences 3-4: These read more like sentences than anything poetic. If you shorten line four to My eyes drop it might have more impact. The language "I find that" seems weak to me, especially the use of that. Also, the line above "back toward me" doesn't need "back".

*Heartt* Summary:
This is an excellent poem on a very relevant topic for our times.

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9
9
for entry "Thoughts Tumble
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
}Hi Carly - Prepping for NaNoWriMo , this review is for the I Write in 2019 challenge. Congratulations on completing another week!

General Impressions
I love the word usage in this, the imagery created is excellent! I love how you've given concrete details to thoughts - it really solidified them in my mind like real things, and thus making me really feel the anguish of having thoughts be so jumbled.

Favorite Part
"Thoughts tumble"
Great use of language, simple, direct, but so vivid.

Suggestions for improvement
Unfortunately, my syllable counter tells me this only has 21 syllables instead of the required 24 so I fear disqualification if that's not fixed. Here's a handy tool I use for syllables: https://syllablecounter.net/count

The good news is you have some room to play with this some more! I can't wait to see how you add to and improve this.

Also, using freely in here, although it gives you a double syllable count, really should be just "free" IMHO. The adverb really weakens the language there. Making that change gives you 4 more syllables to work with!

Rating Explanation
I've given this a 4.0 for excellent use of language. If you'd like me to review again, I'm happy to do so after you've edited.

Write on, friend! Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding!
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#2177494 by Charity Marie - I am Back!


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10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
}Hi Tinker , this review is for the I Write in 2019 challenge. Congratulations on participating in another week!

General Impressions
This poem made me long for spring to fully be here. It's still a little too chilly for my taste and there's plenty of brown and nowhere near enough greenery to suit me. Your poem evoked all of that in me and more! Great job!

Favorite Part
exploring, condensing a poet's soul?

Suggestions for improvement
heralds in - you don't need the 'in' as heralds is a very that means "a person or thing viewed as a sign that something is about to happen."

Why does this end in what seems like a credit to someone else?

Other than those minor nitpicks, this is well done!

Write on, friend! Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding!
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11
11
In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hello J.L. O'Dell(The Reaper) , congratulations on finishing your first assignment for Rising Stars!

*Starp* General Impression
I ADORE THIS! You've created a great story here. I love the cheeky little leprechaun. I love the way everyone thinks these are bad things when he's just trying to be friendly.

My one concern is it reads like a story rather than a newspaper article but that might still be fitting with the assignment.

Everything about this works which is why I gave it a 5.0.

*Starb* Creativity & Originality
Tremendous job in the creativity department. I love it!

*Starv* Suggestions
None!

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
I cannot wait to read more of your work!


Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Ray Scrivener , congratulations on your first assignment completion! I'm here, rolling over with laughter after reading your news article, and ready to give you a barking good review!

This review is being given as part of the WDC Power Reviewers group. A gentle reminder: all opinions offered here are in the spirit of giving and to help, you, the writer, improve the piece. You are under no obligation to use any of my suggestions and I won't think less of you if you don't use them. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

General Impressions
I adored the humor throughout this. I think the situation you came up with is amazing and speaks to our gender-fluid times. Having a 12 year old daughter who's currently confused by the whole mess makes me acutely aware of the challenges there.

Favorite Part
I love that you included quotes from the wife!
I also loved the ending.

Suggestions for improvement
I don't think you need to list the ages of everyone unless it's relevant to the story.

Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding!

Best of luck and keep writing!
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13
13
In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello IceScreaming SugarCube , congratulations on completing the first assignment! I'm excited for you and was very excited to review your entry!

*Starp* Plot
Since this is a news article, I wouldn't say there's a plot as much as the story is laid out in the news article. And that is impeccably done. I was riveted through the whole story and fascinated by the whole idea. What a relevant and on-point topic! Great choice and great job!

*Staro* Story Development & Pacing
The D&P is solid throughout - this moves at a steady, easy pace.

*Starb* Creativity & Originality
This is very creative and I enjoyed it! You did a tremendous job weaving fact and fiction (called faction - yep, it's a real type of writing. I do it myself) together.

*Starv* Suggestions
I would say be careful with your use of the word 'that'. The majority of the usage is not necessary. If you read the sentence and it works without using 'that', you can leave it out. Sometimes rewording the sentence is best. Here's an example:

The incident has caused him to miss enough school, that he will probably repeat the ninth grade.
Due to his paralysis, Jacob, a ninth grader, has missed most of the school year and will probably repeat the grade.

I would also look at paragraph two. For some strange reason I really stumbled there, possibly due to there not being a proper transition. It was difficult for me to connect the two concepts of a murder mystery fundraiser and an HPV vaccine. Maybe making it clear in paragraph one what the fundraiser is for instead of paragraph two would help. Flesh out paragraph one with more details, then paragraph two will make more sense. You might have to rearrange a couple things.

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
I'm such a huge fan of your work and this new piece is a great addition to your portfolio. Keep up the great work and know that we're all very proud of you and rooting for you ever step!

Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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14
14
Review of Sprocket  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

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*Starp* Plot
The plot for this is tight and clear. It reminded me a bit of one of the Star Wars movies when they meet a young Darth Vader.

*Starr* Characters
Sprocket is a cute character - she strikes me as spunky and fun if this were to be expanded.

Mr. Alexander comes across as neurotic and a bit hysterical but since that's intentional that's okay. Great portrayal of both characters in such a short piece!

*Staro* Story Development & Pacing
The story develops quickly but this feels more like a scene in a story than a full story itself.

*Stary* Dialogue
What little there is, is very nicely done.

*Starg* Conflict & Conclusion
Not much conflict here but the conclusion of the scene is satisfying.

*Starb* Creativity & Originality
This has TONS of creativity and originality and I would love to see this turned into a long form story with more depth. I would definitely be interested in reading more about Sprocket and her adventures!

*Starv* Suggestions
My main suggestion is to expand this. I want to know more about Sprocket and Mr. Alexander. What's the outcome of the race? How do things change for her?

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
I realize this was for a prompt so if you decide not to expand it I'll understand but there's a lot of potential here.

Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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Review of I Melt Sugar  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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*Starp* General Impression
I really like this poem despite it's darkness. Or maybe because of it. The first three lines are golden - the word catastrophe is an instant hook! The theme is solid throughout at well and the poem comes full circle. Well done!

*Starr* Flow/Word Choices
The flow is good for this poem - nice and steady throughout. I would recommend maybe breaking your second stanza up more, perhaps at You couldn't swim to allow the reader a brief pause? Or maybe also at I swear I've seen this before / I was the carnival. Regardless, I think that would be better as multiple short stanzas because you're moving through different topics as you go along and it doesn't flow like the two stanzas above it. I don't want to copy and paste the whole thing to show you what I mean but hopefully this makes sense.

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
I love how this ends! It's a plea to understand, a longing to, a hope to. It's a beautiful ending!

Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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Review of I Have Questions.  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)

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*Starp* General Impression
I have to admit I struggled with this poem more than the last one, so take all of my comments with a grain of salt. I felt this was a very complex poem that made my head spin a bit. I like the starting lines of this. I didn't care for some of the fancy formatting because visually it really threw me. I was too busy trying to visually understand it the first time to fully understand the poem.

I do love the theme of this - the idea of being part of something, of being less than without another, and of improvement. It made me realize my relationship, fulfills me in a deep internal space. It's that space we're all naturally seeking to fill. Mine has been filled for five years and I'm so grateful for that.

*Starr* Flow/Word Choice
The flow of this seems to be deliberately choppy. The flow is uncertain but for me it was like waves, some faster and higher than others. If that's intentional, it works. If not, there are places to smooth out that I tried to identify.

Some words are repeated - is this deliberate? For example - chance, lottery, sense, purpose.

*Staro* Punctuation
You use questions marks throughout to help us understand the questions which is great. I'm not so sure of the ellipses however, especially for line 9. Otherwise, punctuation is good throughout.

*Starv* Suggestions
I would look at the elements I pointed out earlier and make sure they're the way you want them to be or if they could be improved upon. Those are the areas that caused me to stumble but I don't have a lot of advice for how to improve them.

I would also get rid of ya know as it makes it too casual for such a serious poem.

I would suggest removing lines
8 at best (distracting, unnecessary)
27 that doesn't make sense (redundant)
32 unlike when someone gives you something based on merit (redundant)

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
I love the idea behind this - the questions are great, the language itself is strong. Of course, disregard if there's a rhyming scheme here I can't quite grasp. I'm assuming this is free verse but it's complex enough there could be a rhyme or rhythm here I can't detect.

I truly hope this helps. This was a tough one for me to analyze!

Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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Review of Enablist  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hello Rocky Horror Fivesixer Show ,

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*Starp* General Impression
This poem is very dark and hits with a sucker punch from the beginning. The picture you've included also gave me chills. What a personal piece!

*Starr* Flow and Word Choices
This flows in a fast pace, each line forcing the reader on to the next. Well done! I couldn't possibly stop reading.

The word choices are good here. I do have a couple things to point out for word choice.

Line 2: ends in goodnight and I can't understand why. I really stumbled there and feel it should end at wrists to maximize the impact. I suggest removing the word goodnight entirely.

Lines 9 & 10: For some reason the double negative made me stumble - no longer not be enough. I don't know how to fix it so I'm just pointing it out.

Line 10 & 11: to have you /when you didn't know you or
There's a lot of you usage here and I'm unsure what you're trying to say here.

Line 13: the unfinished mold before it finally took hold.
The adverb finally is unnecessary here.

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
I love how deeply you were able to dive into the emotions in this poem. It really tugged at my mind and heart together, which was very enjoyable.

My favorite lines are 1, 4, 5, 6, 7. Phenomenal use of language there!

Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This review is being given as part of the WDC Power Reviewers group. A gentle reminder: all opinions offered here are in the spirit of giving and to help, you, the writer, improve the piece. You are under no obligation to use any of my suggestions and I won't think less of you if you don't use them. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

General Impressions
I found this poem to be simply wonderful! Very easy to understand with a great rhyming scheme that just flows from the lips with ease. It held my attention well and left me very satisfied at the end.

Favorite Part
Who wrote poems with a hedgehog quill,

I love this line, such evocative language for such a short piece. Great job!

Suggestions for improvement
None

Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding!

Best of luck and keep writing!
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In affiliation with Reviews with Honesty  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Check out "Reviews with Honesty for rating and review information.

Hello bkies , thanks for requesting a review! I hope you find my comments helpful. Remember, this is your story and these are my ideas to make it even better than it already is. I don't review work I don't like, even if requested.

*Starp* Plot
I love the plot of this - 3rd grader Nora is adorable ad the plot progresses at a steady pace that was appealing to me. Others would have issues with goal, motivation, conflict but I see where you're going with this story and the message is a sound one.

*Starr* Characters
Nora is a cute albeit precocious 3rd grader with a remarkable level of insight. in fact, either she's a very old soul or she's an adult for this level of insight. Something to work on is reducing some of that down. She's almost supernatural in her understanding of things. That said I like her and her father very much. Her father comes across as very likable and looking to inspire his daughter, which works very well.

*Staro* Story Development & Pacing
Everything's good here so far.

*Stary* Dialogue
The dialogue is good and relatively believable, albeit a bit formal, especially for a young child. Also watch your usage of Papa as it seems to be in a lot of Nora's dialogue. Same with Sweet Pea in father's dialogue.

*Starg* Conflict & Conclusion
This is a Part 1 so I didn't expect a conclusion yet. However, this leaves us in a good place, right before the show and tell event.

*Starb* Creativity & Originality
Very creative and I love the idea of finding your voice. As a writer, the message inspired ME. And I've been writing 20 years.

*Starv* Suggestions
There's a few passive sentences (remember, subject generally comes first in a sentence, not at the end) that could be improved but there's not a lot. I think the biggest concern is making sure Nora sounds like a child and not an adult. There's a lot of narrative telling her thoughts, feelings, and introspection which might be more adult than child.

*Rainbowl* Final Thoughts
This is a cute story I look forward to reading more of. I had a little time so I went ahead and did this one. I'm doing a fundraiser currently through March and will be tied up with reviews from those for the rest of the month. If you'd like another review, please go here and donate for one "Sweethearts Galore, otherwise I won't be available again until April.

I've said this before but you have a lot of talent and I'm always thrilled to read your work!


Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!



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Review of Millennial  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This review is being given as part of the WDC Power Reviewers group. A gentle reminder: all opinions offered here are in the spirit of giving and to help, you, the writer, improve the piece. You are under no obligation to use any of my suggestions and I won't think less of you if you don't use them. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

Hi Mastiff will haunt this town. , I'm reviewing your work as part of the I Write challenge. Congratulations on finishing another week!

General Impressions
This is a great, tight, and perfectly relevant poem about millennials. You convey a great deal in quick order. You've described very well the dilemmas facing millennials and the rest of us.

Favorite Part
We rage for naught
This is so true. Other than the war on terrorism - there's no Vietnam for them to rally around. And as they age, they're finding that things like having a car and a house actually are worthwhile, not just luxury items. I think millennials are just forced to take longer to learn what all of us already know.

Suggestions for improvement
None, this is great!

Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding!

Best of luck and keep writing!
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for all you do to recognize other writers on WDC! So proud to support such a great program!
22
22
Review of Touch  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This review is being given as part of the WDC Power Reviewers group. A gentle reminder: all opinions offered here are in the spirit of giving and to help, you, the writer, improve the piece. You are under no obligation to use any of my suggestions and I won't think less of you if you don't use them. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

General Impressions
This is a poem that contains detailed, rich emotions layered expertly together.

Favorite Part
I love the third stanza!

Suggestions for improvement
The last two lines didn't 'feel' right to me somehow but could be personal choice.

I'm not sure what the notes at the bottom mean. You might consider hiding them behind a dropnote.

Remember: As long as you're writing, you're succeeding!

Best of luck and keep writing!
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Review of Chained  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Jaye P. Marshall , I'm sad to see the white case. While I never had a chance to know you, I write this review in tribute to you.

I'm just dashing through with a review!

Plot/Premise
The plot for this is excellent and sweet. I found myself following the main characters story and my heart soared and dropped with his. What a beautiful story. I don't normally ready romance - I tend to avoid it. But this is a beautiful story.

Character(s)
I found myself liking both characters who are polar opposites. Willy is simple but sweet, and wise in his own way. Eileen is a sweet teacher who lives with their family for a school year.

Dialogue
The dialogue is great, rich, and well done.

GMC
GMC: Goal, Motivation, Conflict is what drives characters and your story forward.
Goal = To profess his love to Eileen
Motivation = love
Conflict = he's unsure if his love will be accepted or returned.
The GMC in this story is very good and something anyone can identify with. The universal themes of love and lost opportunity are both great choices.

Setting & Description
The settings and description are very clear, painting a picture for the reader.

Word Choices
The word choices are proper as well. There's some adverb usage that could be improved but otherwise, the writing itself is tight and concise.

Show/Don't Tell / The Dream
This is very well done and without any deviations. The story's dream flows perfectly without any bumps or disruptions.

Tips, Tricks, & Tidbits
This is a great, rich story with universal themes that would appeal to any reader. The ending is bittersweet and melancholy, which is perfect. I loved reading this!

Gotta run, but this was fun!


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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Mashaaa
I'm just dashing through with a review!

Opinions are my own, heed them as you wish!

Theme
Excellent theme of a fairy tale princess seeking to escape a storm and finding refuge. Congratulations on both taking a fairy tale and making it fresh and winning the contest you entered!

Word Choice(s)
Over all the word choices are good. I have some thoughts you might consider looking at. Since this isn't my piece, I'm not sure how to solve these or if they're even issues to begin with. I am also not sure if there's a syllable count behind these words too. This looks like free verse to me but there is some rhyming in the last two lines of each stanza in the beginning. I'm not sure if that's deliberate or accidental. In any case, here's some areas to consider:

(The word in question is in blue)
And he had on a funny looking gown
I'm not sure starting with 'and' helps you in this line.

He wore a look of surprise,
Would it be simpler and clearer to simply say, "He looked surprised"? Again, unsure of any internal rhyming or rhythm here.

With her extremely drowned apparel.
This adverb seems to weaken this line.

Oh, how he adored her!
It's unclear to me who he adores - his wife or the princess. It's a bit of ambiguous language IMO. I suppose it might be okay for the reader to assume he adores his wife? My first thought was "Uh oh, I know where this is going!" and I thought the princess would replace the wife. I was glad to see that didn't happen!

She did not sleep all right
Should this be night instead of right? Or perhaps alright?

The wife knew then she was speaking the truth ,
Consider maybe "spoke the" instead?

Imagery/Description
There's good imagery throughout.

I hope you found something useful in my feedback. Don't let it overwhelm you, there's not a lot here really. It's very minor tweaks.

Gotta run, but this was fun!


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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Ezekiel Stephens
I'm just dashing through with a review!

Opinions are my own, do with them as you wish!

Plot/Premise
I struggled with the plot/premise. The writing itself is excellent - from the opening hook to the last sentence, there's a strong, clear writer's voice with great confidence. You paint a picture with words that held me riveted and delighted as a reader. I was fascinated to learn more about this world you'd created. But sadly, it ended, very prematurely in my opinion. Rather than a story arc, this is simply a moment suspended in time in the view of the character. And that's fine as an exercise. You've accomplished a great piece of writing, but to fulfill that of a story, requires much more. Here's a resource that shows a story arc: https://study.com/academy/lesson/what-is-a-story-a...

I could not identify these elements in the prose, so I consider this more of narrative prose than a story. It's excellently written but by the end of it, I wanted much more. I wanted to know what happened with the man Calibri witnessed. How did the man change things with his "ugliness"? What conflict arises from his actions? How do the other characters respond to him? This has great promise as a story premise and I hope you consider continuing this. Perhaps this is a novel or novella beginning? Or perhaps a long form short story (which can run up to 20,000 words)?

Character(s)
The main character is Calibri, an observer of others. I love the character's name, which is the name of a sans-serif font. Nice tie in to the technology aspect.

Dialogue
There is none.

GMC
GMC: Goal, Motivation, Conflict is what drives characters and your story forward.
The GMC is unclear to me, although the conflict is primed and ready in the secondary character you describe in contrast to the world around him.

Setting & Description
This is by far, the highlight of this piece. So rich, deliberate, and detailed. I loved every word!

Word Choices
Again, excellent.

Show/Don't Tell / The Dream
You pulled off showing this very well and there was nothing that detracted me from the reading. It was extremely smooth and it's clear to me you have great skill in writing well. You made this look easy. I just wish there were more.

Tips, Tricks, & Tidbits
Expand this and you will have a home run of a story. It has all the elements needed - riveting characters, inherent conflict, strong writing. I hope you continue it!

Gotta run, but this was fun!


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