|Check out "Reviews with Honesty" for rating and review information.
Hello Simple Spider , thanks for requesting a review. I was delighted to read your story and appreciate you reaching out to me privately for a review.
The plot might be one of the best parts of this story as you brought me along expertly through the twists and turns of the story but I was never lost. I especially love the opening - what a great start to a story! You've put us right in the action, just as you should. The character's confusion comes through very clearly.
There's three primary characters - Jim, Mr. Greenpeace, and Alice. There's also two demons. Each character is well-developed and clear. I love all of them!
Story Development & Pacing
The story develops in a solid way - moving smoothly with no hiccups.
The dialogue has no issues and works to progress the story well.
Conflict & Conclusion
The conflict could be a little bit stronger and I make suggestions on that below.
Creativity & Originality
I love the creativity with this, it's very original.
Be careful your use of it's and its. In this instance, "it’s image" should be its or the.
I didn't care much for the name Mr. Greenpeace. For some reason it felt like an inside joke I didn't get. This could be a personal thing so I thought I'd mention it just in case.
I felt like I wanted to know what would be so terrible about being without a vessel. It felt like that would make the stakes higher but it fell flat without more information. We need to know what's at risk here.
"Shall we!" should be "Shall we?"
I would look at your adverb usage (words ending in -ly) and try to find better ways to describe where possible. Here's an example:
"Immediately, I felt the strangest feeling of revulsion, a kind of nausea."
For this, immediately isn't necessary and the sentence is stronger (IMO) without it. It's more immediate without the adverb. Adverbs tend to slow your writing down for the reader so removing them will speed things along.
However, sometimes you NEED adverbs because there's no other way so be careful not to remove all of them. For example, "Clearly, I had made a mistake." This is a necessary adverb as it adds flavor to the writing and removing it destroys the essence of the sentence. It's also ok if it's in dialogue as part of the character's speech.
I would remove the following adverbs: slowly, apparently, suddenly, definitely, quickly, easily, incredibly, carefully, slightly,
This could be reworded better: "there were twenty small trees, perfectly manicured bonzai." Perhaps "there were twenty small, perfectly manicured bonzai."
"She was almost certain that David, her little brother, had almost certainly had a wonderful dream himself." Double use of almost. This sentence needs to be strong, powerful. "She was certain David, her little bother, had a wonderful dream too."
This is a great and uplifting story. With some minor tweaks it can be a little stronger but the content and heart of the story are very strong. Excellent job!
Remember, as long as you're writing, you're succeeding. So write on, friend!
Image #2177703 over display limit. -?-
"Reviews with Honesty: Request a Review" WDC Discord Invite