|Greetings from California! I am reviewing your entry for the "I Write" contest. As always, my goal is to provide constructive feedback. Please take what you can use and leave the rest.
This is a very interesting story you have here. Dark relationships between mother and daughter have always intrigued. The story opens in a very malevolent way, and I am drawn in to the turmoil immediately. I feel for Pip, and want her mother to love her.
I wanted to see some interaction between Evadne and Pip, and Evadne and the new baby. I also wanted to see some interaction between Pip and her brother. I think this would have made Pip a little more life-like for me.
You've done a good job showing Pip's personality. To me, her actions are in line with her personality and seem very believable. I was actually rooting for her in the end when she kills Evadne. Now, it might just be me, but you built up a lot of tension, and although I know Pip kills Evadne, I wanted to see that scene. I wanted to see Evadne suffer a little.
Something was niggling at me about the baby. We know that Evadne had a baby, but we don't know what happens to the baby. Maybe some interaction by Pip would clear that up.
You've presented some dynamite descriptions. I can see the darkness and the malevolence very clearly. But in a couple of places it overshadowed the action. For instance, you give us some horrifying details about the birth of the new baby, but at that moment I wanted to know what Pip was going to do. In a second place you describe Evadne's scorn for Pip, and I would have liked to see some action evidencing that scorn. I wanted to see the strife between mother and daughter. Other than that, I'll have to say again you've presented some powerful descriptions.
One more nit-picky item...you introduce Dr. Mistral, the family physician. Somehow he gets to the house before Pip does, and that gave me pause. So think about timing there. Also, in the next paragraph it's Dr. Brewster who finds Pip on the staircase. Were there two doctors?
Overall you've presented a family drama that I think is familiar to a lot of mothers and daughters. And you've presented a very dark look into those relationships. Even though it was dark, I found it to be a very enjoyable read. I went through quite a few emotions - horror, sadness, hope, and joy. And that's what you want! Good job! I feel you can turn this into a terrific short story.
Thank you so much for sharing. Keep writing! I'll see you out in the forums!