|Hi Susie. I was very happy to review this scene for you. I do have to say this is the first script/play that I've reviewed, so I'll do my best to hit on all the points that script-writers look for. As always my goal is to provide feedback which is helpful for you as you polish and finish this scene.
My first impression was that I stepped into the lives of what was once a very happy and close-knit family. I can already tell that Rocco was a very important part of this family. What a tragedy his death was...but even more tragic are the scars left behind, not only for the family but especially for Melody. I haven't read the first nine scenes but I'm guessing her face is horribly scarred. Poor thing. I felt sympathetic even before she entered the scene. So good job on that!
You've done a good job showing the tension between Garrett and Olivia. Typical brother-sister struggles. The type of verbal blows they give each other remind me of typical sibling relationships. I come from a huge family myself and this scene reminded me of some of the fights I used to have with my brothers and my sister. Most of their dialogue rings true. There are a couple of places where their grammar and dialect could be a little more conversational so it sounds more like speech. You're a great writer and I can see that you paid attention to the details as it relates to proper sentence structure. To give you an example I'll reference Olivia's line: Jesus Christ, it smells like drug-store quality liquor in here. I know what you're trying to say, but I picture Olivia to be in her 30's or 40's, and I think she would use a word like "rotgut"...or even some slang, rather than drugstore quality liquor. And of course that's entirely up to you. But I think using conversational words, even if they aren't technically correct, would brighten up both Olivia and Garrett and make them even more believable.
To give you one more example, Garret's line is: You talk about what people deserve as if it's a luxury we're all inclined towards! To make it a little more conversational you could try something like "Deserve and have are two different things"...that's just a suggestion. But I think you see what I mean. Even though I can really see Garrett and Olivia I would like to "hear" them speak a little more like brother and sister.
Melody seems grown up way beyond her years. I realize she is only fifteen, and I feel compassion and sorrow that she has to bear the brunt of this whole tragedy. The things she says seem appropriate and she has the right amount of nastiness in what she says to her father. She makes me want to know a whole lot more about this family. Who was Rocco? Who was Garrett before Rocco was killed. And the kids...I know there's a big part of this script I haven't read, but I'm sure curious about this family. Holds my interest, so great job!
There are a few errors here and there with spelling, grammar and syntax, but you can catch all those when it's time. Just keep writing this story! I need to know how it turns out. Does Garrett succumb to alcoholism? Does Melody get reconstructive surgery? Does Olivia turn out to be a good parent? Do Olivia and Melody fight? Yeah...I'd really like to know how everything turns out.
Overall you've done a good job showing the horrible struggle for this poor family. Emotion and tension are high. With some polishing I think you'll have a very powerful scene.
I hope this helps. Like I mentioned before, my goal is to provide you with feedback which is helpful. Let me know if you've got any questions. And please, keep writing! Finish this script! I want to know what happens!