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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cheddah
Review Requests: ON
35 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review by Cheddah
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Very intriguing contest! I'd like to be a part of it! Here's some gift points to put toward the prizes...look for me in the next round!
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Review by Cheddah
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Good Afternoon Max. I was out trolling writing.com for a new contest to enter and landed on Just One Point of View. The contest is very intriguing to me, and I do believe I'd like to enter, so you'll hear from me in the contest forum.

But as I was reading all about third person limited point of view I took the time to study your article on that very subject!

I am impressed with the amount of information you've provided in an easy-to-read and easy-to-understand article.

I felt you brought me from what I know best as a reader, all the way to understanding more about the books I love and why I love them. It was a great form of education presented in a humorous way.

This article also gives me something to return to when I need a refresher.

Overall, I enjoyed this very much! And on that note, I'd like to see some other examples of this point of view. Maybe at some point you would consider updating the article with some additional examples...??? I know, I know, it's a lot of work...but I'm just suggesting...

Thank you very much for the interesting and informative read. I'm sending a few gift points your way.

And look for me in the March contest!
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3
Review of A Letter to Putin  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good Morning! I wandered into The Writer's Cramp and found your entry. I was blown away by it's simplicity, it's clarity, and most of all it's poignancy.

You have some great details and I can actually see this poor guy waiting in line for his bread. And although a little sad, I saw the humor in the fact that there's plenty of vodka.

I also believe you've captured the spirit of the Russian's desire to show the world their toughness and independence.

If it were me, I would keep this piece exactly as it is. It's nice and tight and gets the point across.

You know, when I review something, I do my best to give constructive feedback, because I know every writer...well, almost every writer out there is striving to make their work better. But I have to be honest. This piece is a home run. Please don't change anything.

Thanks for the surprising and pleasant read!
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Review of LOST  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Good Evening! I was on the hunt today for something to review and I came across your entry into The Writer's Cramp called "Lost".

Frist of all, I'm charmed that you entered The Writer's Cramp. I know you judge the contest on weekends and I think it's great that you also enjoy prompt writing.

I do want to share with you that my goal when reviewing is to provide constructive feedback. These comments are my opinions only. After all, this is your story. So please take what you can use and just leave the rest.

I liked the prompt and was anxious to read about an adventure in the mountains. Your story starts off well, with good descriptions about the setting. I can "see" where you are and the trail you're about to take.

You added some nice details about walking in the forest. I could hear your feet crunch and I could hear the birds sing, along with various other forest noises. Nice job! But although these are good details I wanted to experience more. I wanted to know what your emotions were and what you were thinking. If you were out hiking by yourself then you were probably lost in some deep thought. I realize there's a word limit for this contest, but some insight to your feelings would have made it come alive for me.

Although your lunch made me hungry, I did feel it was really a list. But yes! Avocado and cheese on rye is always a great sandwich!

You did a great job creating tension and anxiety with the approaching clouds. And I liked that one rain drop fell on your nose. That was a very nice detail. I could even feel the fear of you sliding down the mountain.

Again I realize there's a word limit but I wanted just a little more from the rescue squad. I wanted to experience more of that. Maybe some dialogue here would have enhanced the scene. Same with the hospital.

I do like that the mountain still calls to you.

I really feel that you did a great job in a short period of time. I really do hope that one day you'll pick this up and develop it into more than a contest entry. Good job overall. Thanks for the nice read.

5
5
Review by Cheddah
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I've been a member here at WDC since 2006...Gosh, has it been that long???!!! During these past years I have entered The Writer's Cramp on and off. Sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. But it's all good because it gives me a chance to experience writing from all the talented authors on WDC. And to get some feedback from the moderators too! Truly, I am inspired to keep writing.

Most of all I want to thank the moderators who manage the challenge. Without you there just wouldn't be this crazy, happy, daily fun for all of us! Good job to all of you and please keep up the good work.
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Review by Cheddah
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good Afternoon! I had the pleasure of reading your short story, "The Secret Message". It really was a good short story and I'd like to offer some feedback. Before I do that, though, please understand these are only my thoughts and opinions. My goal is to always offer constructive feedback, so please take what you can if you think it helps, and just leave the rest. Having said that, here goes:

1. Your title was intriguing and made me want to find out more. So good job on that.

2. Your opening sets up the story well. A young man is worried that something has happened to his friend. I like the way Christopher studies Ashley's window. I also like the light game they played.

3. You've done a good job showing Christopher's anxiety about Ashley's absence. And his short conversations with his Mom ring true.

4. Your dialogue is very realistic and natural. Good job with that. My only feedback here would be that through Christopher's dialogue and some of his actions, I feel he's more in the ten to eleven year age group...not a teenager.

5. The rock holds the secret and you've done a good job with that! I'm not sure why he wouldn't check the rock first...but that's just me...

6. Ashley's father seems like a horrible, frightening man! You did a good job relaying that with only a couple of descriptions and sentences.

7. Your ending is poignant and even a little melancholy, but it doesn't really feel finished to me. I know Christopher feels he's lost the best friendship of his life, but I'd to know a little more of what he's thinking. Does he feel he should try to find Ashley? Does he want to contact the authorities? Why does he just let Ashley's father walk away?

8. At the very end you mention that Ashley will never know that a young teenager stood up for her. This is Ashely's point of view and not Christopher's. Seeing that the entire story is written from Christopher's point of view, you might consider reworking this last sentence to be from his point of view also. I think it would give more power to the story and a sharper end.

Overall, this was a nice mystery. It's short but you've got all the makings of a very well-developed, intriguing story. You might consider developing it further...just a hint...

Thanks for the great read, and please keep writing!
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Review of Jennifer  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Good Evening. I am reviewing a newbie and found your story out there.

My review follows and as always, these are only my thoughts and opinions. Please take what you can if it helps, and throw the rest away. After all, this is your story, and only you can tell it. Okay, having said that, here goes:

1. You have a very natural voice, and I can tell you have quite a gift for weaving a thriller. I felt compelled to keep reading. Good job.

2. Your dialogue seems very natural for this type of thriller. It's all very intriguing. Not what "normal" people would actually say and that's what kept me going.

3. You have lots of bloody, horrific details, and I can tell this would be a great halloween story! Good job on that too.

4. I suspected how the story would end, but even so, it was satisfying, and made me want to read more.

Overall, I think this was a great first attempt! You have some great ideas and I feel you can develop this into quite a terrifying story!

I dinged you on the star rating only because you've written this as one big, gigantic paragraph. Spend a little time on sentence structure and paragraph structure and I think you'll have a winner for sure!

Thanks for the enjoyable read. I'm including some gift points to keep you going.
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Review by Cheddah
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good Afternoon DRSmith! I had the pleasure of reading your short story "The Magic of Moses" and found it very entertaining. I'm glad I ran across it!

Following is my review, which, in essence, boils down to my thoughts and opinions on your story. Please bear in mind these are only my opinions. Take what you can if it's a help, and then just leave the rest. As always, this is your story, and yours only to tell.

So with that, here goes:

1. The title intrigued me and caught my attention immediately. The nice thing is that I got the story I expected - a story about a wonderful man named Moses who has a gift. I never expected this story to be full of your run of the mill Harry Potter stuff. Very nice.

2. Your opening is very interesting and keeps me reading. I wanted to find out what Mike was remembering from fifty years ago. Good job.

3. You have some wonderful details and most times I can picture the setting and the mood. You have a nice voice and I enjoyed the pace of the story.

4. Most of your dialogue rings true; although there are a couple of spots where I feel you could make it just a bit more believable. An example would be, "The beating incident had long faded into memory as autumn's fiery colors..." Somehow I just don't picture Mike actually saying this. But this description is very nice.

5. Although the story moves along at a good pace, there are times when I'd like to see more of Moses' magic. I'd really like to see him in action. An example would be when he recollects all the homespun tricks Moses taught Mike's Papa. I'd like to know some of those so I could see how extraordinary Moses was. Another example would be when Moses calms the colt. He knows something is wrong. I would like to know what Moses thought was wrong. I'd also like to see more of his magic here.

6. Your ending is very soft and subtle and I like that. It ends exactly as I thought it would. It was a satisfying ending.

Overall this is a very nice story of redemption, and I like the way Mike tells the story. And as I mentioned above the story was very engaging, but there were times when I wanted to see Moses in action. I especially wanted to see the relationship with the horse Cohasset develop.

I'm not familiar with horse racing so a lot of the terms were new and unfamiliar to me, but it did get me excited to read more and learn more about horse racing in general.

You have a natural voice for weaving a story, and overall you did a great job. Thanks for the wonderful read. I'd like to see more of Moses in the future.
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Review by Cheddah
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings from California! I am reviewing your entry for the "I Write" contest. As always, my goal is to provide constructive feedback. Please take what you can use and leave the rest.

This is a very interesting story you have here. Dark relationships between mother and daughter have always intrigued. The story opens in a very malevolent way, and I am drawn in to the turmoil immediately. I feel for Pip, and want her mother to love her.

I wanted to see some interaction between Evadne and Pip, and Evadne and the new baby. I also wanted to see some interaction between Pip and her brother. I think this would have made Pip a little more life-like for me.

You've done a good job showing Pip's personality. To me, her actions are in line with her personality and seem very believable. I was actually rooting for her in the end when she kills Evadne. Now, it might just be me, but you built up a lot of tension, and although I know Pip kills Evadne, I wanted to see that scene. I wanted to see Evadne suffer a little.

Something was niggling at me about the baby. We know that Evadne had a baby, but we don't know what happens to the baby. Maybe some interaction by Pip would clear that up.

You've presented some dynamite descriptions. I can see the darkness and the malevolence very clearly. But in a couple of places it overshadowed the action. For instance, you give us some horrifying details about the birth of the new baby, but at that moment I wanted to know what Pip was going to do. In a second place you describe Evadne's scorn for Pip, and I would have liked to see some action evidencing that scorn. I wanted to see the strife between mother and daughter. Other than that, I'll have to say again you've presented some powerful descriptions.

One more nit-picky item...you introduce Dr. Mistral, the family physician. Somehow he gets to the house before Pip does, and that gave me pause. So think about timing there. Also, in the next paragraph it's Dr. Brewster who finds Pip on the staircase. Were there two doctors?

Overall you've presented a family drama that I think is familiar to a lot of mothers and daughters. And you've presented a very dark look into those relationships. Even though it was dark, I found it to be a very enjoyable read. I went through quite a few emotions - horror, sadness, hope, and joy. And that's what you want! Good job! I feel you can turn this into a terrific short story.

Thank you so much for sharing. Keep writing! I'll see you out in the forums!

Mary

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Review by Cheddah
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! I am reviewing your poem for the "I Write" contest. I haven't reviewed much poetry, and to be honest, I haven't written much poetry. My goal is to give you some constructive feedback that you can use as a poet.

I haven't heard of a blitz poem before, so yes, I did have to look it up. An article by Writer's Digest gave me a good idea of it's structure and form. It seems like it would be fun to write!

Your prompt picture is a little ominous, so I fully expected your poem to have a scary, dangerous element to it. And yes, it did! I felt your story had a touch of mystery and horror, and then in the end for us scaredy-cats also an element of comfort.

I feel that you told an entire story and came full circle with your poem. We begin a little journey with a familiar fairy tale from childhood, and then we enter another phase where we reject homework and even our parents. Then we face the real monster in the woods, and finally come all the way back home to our mother's voice and our father's arms. Good job!

Your images are very vivid even though you've used only short words and phrases.

Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. I love this piece the way it is and I would hope that you find a place for it where the public can enjoy it.

I don't feel I've offered anything that would qualify as constructive feedback, so I'm sorry there. The important thing is that I really enjoyed your work and feel you have a very marketable piece.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing and I'll see you in the forums.

Mary
11
11
Review of The Loaf  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! It's me again...reviewing your story for the "I Write" contest...

This was a very cute story. In fact, this type of thing has happened to me also! I'm just not a bread-maker I guess...heavy sigh.

I enjoyed that you tried to live up to Grams standards, but also realized in the end that there's just no other bread like Grams. I also enjoyed your thoughts as you substituted ingredients and then peeked into the little window of the machine. I've done that same thing. You really made me laugh with this story. It also brought back a fond memory of my own grandmother...

There are a couple of places where you could insert a comma just to break up the sentence and for ease of understanding. I had to re-read a couple of sentences to ensure I understood properly. But syntax isn't the important thing. The writing is! You've done a great job with this prompt. In fact, I'm going to check out that contest...

Final thought: I think you could develop this into a short story and have a great piece as a nod to your Grams.

Great job overall!

See you out in the forums.
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12
Review of Agnes  
Review by Cheddah
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Greetings! I am reviewing your story for the "I Write" Contest. As always, my goal is to give constructive feedback which I hope will be helpful...

I read this story a couple of times, and I found it to be very sweet. I was immediately interested in Agnes, and wanted to know more about her. In your second paragraph, though, I was a little confused why she would set out lemonade and more than one glass. I got the impression she was expecting company, but the only person that showed up was the mailman. So I think the reader needs a little clarification.

I really love the imagery of her thinking about Oliver. And I really like your line "was it yesterday or 40 years ago?" It made me feel like her memories were very deep. I did want to know more about Oliver and their life together. Right up front they sound like they had a wonderful life. I'd like to see Agnes reminisce a little about something she and Oliver shared.

I'd also like to know more about her sons. I realize they are retired, but I want to know more about why she doesn't want to live with them. I think some thoughts like this would give the story more depth.

I see exactly where you're going with the conversation between Agnes and Rick - Agnes needing to make an important decision. But the conversation seems a little flat. Rick knows she needs to talk and he understands she needs to make the decision, but the way he reacts and responds doesn't ring true for me. So maybe add more of the conversation so the reader knows exactly why she's decided to move into the senior facility.

You have some good imagery and good descriptions about getting the farm ready to sell. I liked that. I was a little thrown, though, when Amy enters the picture. She just pops into the picture right after we learn that Agnes has a collection of salt and pepper shakers. So maybe just some work on the transition would do the trick.

I can also see where you're going with Rick and Amy...two people now falling in love. I'd like to know more of what Agnes is thinking about these two. I'd like to know if Rick and Amy remind Agnes of Oliver and herself. I think I just want to know more of their thoughts. That would bring the scene to life for me.

Overall you've done a good job. You have a few technical and grammatical errors, but that's not the important part. It's the writing and you've done a terrific job with this! I honestly think you can develop this piece into a very poignant short story.

I hope you find these comments helpful in some way. As always, take what "speaks" to you and leave the rest. But I do hope you develop this into something bigger. Good job.

Keep Writing!
Mary
13
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Review by Cheddah
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Susie. I was very happy to review this scene for you. I do have to say this is the first script/play that I've reviewed, so I'll do my best to hit on all the points that script-writers look for. As always my goal is to provide feedback which is helpful for you as you polish and finish this scene.

My first impression was that I stepped into the lives of what was once a very happy and close-knit family. I can already tell that Rocco was a very important part of this family. What a tragedy his death was...but even more tragic are the scars left behind, not only for the family but especially for Melody. I haven't read the first nine scenes but I'm guessing her face is horribly scarred. Poor thing. I felt sympathetic even before she entered the scene. So good job on that!

You've done a good job showing the tension between Garrett and Olivia. Typical brother-sister struggles. The type of verbal blows they give each other remind me of typical sibling relationships. I come from a huge family myself and this scene reminded me of some of the fights I used to have with my brothers and my sister. Most of their dialogue rings true. There are a couple of places where their grammar and dialect could be a little more conversational so it sounds more like speech. You're a great writer and I can see that you paid attention to the details as it relates to proper sentence structure. To give you an example I'll reference Olivia's line: Jesus Christ, it smells like drug-store quality liquor in here. I know what you're trying to say, but I picture Olivia to be in her 30's or 40's, and I think she would use a word like "rotgut"...or even some slang, rather than drugstore quality liquor. And of course that's entirely up to you. But I think using conversational words, even if they aren't technically correct, would brighten up both Olivia and Garrett and make them even more believable.

To give you one more example, Garret's line is: You talk about what people deserve as if it's a luxury we're all inclined towards! To make it a little more conversational you could try something like "Deserve and have are two different things"...that's just a suggestion. But I think you see what I mean. Even though I can really see Garrett and Olivia I would like to "hear" them speak a little more like brother and sister.

Melody seems grown up way beyond her years. I realize she is only fifteen, and I feel compassion and sorrow that she has to bear the brunt of this whole tragedy. The things she says seem appropriate and she has the right amount of nastiness in what she says to her father. She makes me want to know a whole lot more about this family. Who was Rocco? Who was Garrett before Rocco was killed. And the kids...I know there's a big part of this script I haven't read, but I'm sure curious about this family. Holds my interest, so great job!

There are a few errors here and there with spelling, grammar and syntax, but you can catch all those when it's time. Just keep writing this story! I need to know how it turns out. Does Garrett succumb to alcoholism? Does Melody get reconstructive surgery? Does Olivia turn out to be a good parent? Do Olivia and Melody fight? Yeah...I'd really like to know how everything turns out.

Overall you've done a good job showing the horrible struggle for this poor family. Emotion and tension are high. With some polishing I think you'll have a very powerful scene.

I hope this helps. Like I mentioned before, my goal is to provide you with feedback which is helpful. Let me know if you've got any questions. And please, keep writing! Finish this script! I want to know what happens!

Take care,
Mary
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Review of A Parent Is Guide  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Carly:

This is a duplicate review...the first one I did I accidentally marked "private". So Giselle has asked that I do this again.

Take care.

Mary

Good Evening! It is absolutely my pleasure to review your sonnet. My hope and my goal is to provide constructive feedback to "polish" this work. I have to preface this by admitting that although I enjoy poetry I haven't ever reviewed poetry...well, with the exception of last night. I was supposed to review your sonnet, but got confused and reviewed someone else's poem. So sorry.

But let's get to the nitty gritty.

This is a lovely sonnet. It's message is very true. It makes me think of my own parenting years, and I really hope I did a good job. Even though my daughter is grown she will always be my little girl. I just really feel this is a beautiful and emotional message to all parents. It would fit nicely for Mother's Day.

Now for construction. Are there three quatrains and a couplet? Yes!
Does the sonnet follow the rhyme scheme of abab, cdcd, efef, gg? Yes!
Does the couplet play a pivotal role? Yes. I believe it forms the sum of the entire message...once a parent, always a parent.

Anything to change? Truly I loved the piece...but the very last word of the sonnet doesn't sit well with me. "Exponentially" seems to be off just a little...pertaining more to mathematics rather than children. I see where you were going with it, but my only suggestion would be to find a better word.

Great job overall! Thanks so much for the lovely work. Happy writing to you!
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Review by Cheddah
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
To blog? Or not to blog? That's been a burning question for me lately. I checked out a few different sites and a few different blogs, and then I remembered I had a blog tab right here at my favorite writing spot, writing.com! Why not, I thought. I could set up a blog and "just try it out for a while." Then I came across this challenge and voila! I was hooked! After reviewing this challenge and the winners from the last round I knew the competition would be great! I wondered if I could actually join this challenge, because I've never done a blog before. But I saw that there are a few new challengers like myself and that convinced me to join. I'm excited and ready for a roller coaster ride into this unknow world of blogging. So please count me in. Seems a wonderful contest!
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Review of Author search  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jack. I just completed your word search. At first I thought it would be "easy-schmeasy" because these are some of my favorite authors, and there weren't a lot to find. But it was more difficult than I anticipated! The way you arranged all the letters threw me off guard a few times, thinking I had found a pattern, only to find I was duped and had to search again. Good job overall. Now I have a suggestion: Compile a word search with the titles of one of the books these authors wrote. That should be fun! Thanks for the puzzle.
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Review of Cardboard Apollo  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very charming story. I was tickled by Christopher's reasoning that he had batteries, but couldn't find the switch. You've captured the imagination of a little boy exactly. It's so like little boys to be logical about their thoughts that can frequently be illogical or unreasonable.

Just a couple of things bothered me, though. And I only say bothered because they interrupted the story and I needed to go back and reread for clarity. The first item is locating the remote. You mentioned Christopher was in the garden, but somehow he finds himself in the front room. And secondly Christopher says, "I ate my tea..." I think you probably meant for Christopher to drink his tea, or eat the fish and chips his Mummy just brought home. I think a little work here for clarity would liven up this story even more.

Good job, and keep writing!
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Review of Thing  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
This is a very good concept. I can tell you see this clearly in your mind. There are several places where I can feel tension and pain. For some polish, maybe try a more intricate description of the "Thing". I think that'll make the whole terrible scenario jump out more. Also describe the dreary surroundings a little more so your reader can actually "feel" the fog and cold and terror. All-in-all, this is a terrific start and will make a good story.

I do feel, though, that I should mention the spelling errors. I know as writers we all get caught up in the frenzy of getting our thoughts on paper. But please take a look at a few of the errors I've noted below. I really think you meant a different word entirely.

Sent for Scent
Weather for Whether
Composer for Composure
Wine for Whine
Quite for Quiet
It Self for Itself
Hear for Here
Out Side for Outside
There're for They're
Weight for Wait
Stake for Steak

Thank you so much for letting me read your story. I look forward to the end product.
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Review of Keys  
Review by Cheddah
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think this is a terrific start. You can play so much with what you can do with words. Try some along this line.
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