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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cheri55422
Review Requests: OFF
867 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of One Candle Glows  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Found this in the poetry newsletter. It's so heartwrenchingly beautiful....sad and beautiful. I can see and feel the whole thing. Absolutely lovely...sad and lovely...
2
2
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Cheri and I'm reviewing your work today for I write 2018. My suggestions are intended to be helpful, not hurtful.

What I like: Hello, again. The thing most intriguing about this work is your easy, friendly presentation. You write like you talk which is the only thing that makes this piece understandable and relateable. Without your research and the way you write your commentary, I would have passed over the confessio quite quickly, and most probably would not have known that it existed at all.

What needs your attention: This is just my opinion, but what would happen if you just cut out all the "He shares", "He writes" and "He tells"? It would be direct and enhance your freestyling way of writing.
For example: What did Patrick do after coming to this realization? He writes that he could not keep silent in the light of the grace that God had given him while he was in captivity. He expressed his belief that, in response to the goodness of God, it was almost an obligation to repay God's blessings by telling everyone about God and about how wonderful He is.
[Try out: What did Patrick do after coming to this realization? He could not keep silent in the light of the grace that God had given him while he was in captivity. His belief that, in response to the goodness of God, it was almost an obligation to repay God's blessings by telling everyone about God and about how wonderful He is. It gave Patrick the courage to fully express God's glory to anyone who would listen.] Or something else to replace the filler words that were taken out.

Overall impression: I like your unique way of approaching challenges. This particular contest is daunting to me. Good luck and congrats on pushing yourself in this contest.

Thank you again for allowing me the pleasure of reading your work.

Cheri


Gift from Marci





3
3
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Cheri and I'm reviewing your work today. My suggestions are intended to be helpful, not hurtful.


Title: I chose this title because I like stories like this. That it had an award was extra incentive.

What I like: When tackling a subject like this, there is always the potential to dive head first into the implausible. You handled that hurdle nicely by making the implausible the truth. I like little twists like that.

What needs your attention:
int he [in the (2 places)]
He came after me. He grabbed her shoulder [lost your POV tense here]
her self [should be one word]
couldnt [couldn't]
no where [probably should be one word]

Overall impression: This is a great story that followed the prompt beautifully. Just needs a little polish, but the core competencies were all there.

Thank you again for allowing me the pleasure of reading your work.

Cheri


Gift from Marci





4
4
Review of Light and Dark  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, My name is Cheri, Part of your I Write 2018 Team.


INTEREST GENERATING STUFF:
The title was okay for the subject matter of the poem. The teaser was concise and genres selected were spot on

IMAGERY:
I got the madcap, pressure filled plea for some sanity when all that is tangible is what can seem like never ending stress.

RHYMING & RHYTHM:
You did a good job of picking words that have the rhythmic syllable count that you were aiming for. I don’t know if your gift to stay true to a poetic form is a gift or if you worked on it all week, I just know that I liked it.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I don’t have any comments about your poetic stylings, you seem to have that well in hand. What I would request is that if this is a prompt based poem, that you include it at the end of the poem. I had no idea what a Pantoum was and had to look it up. Only then did I grasp how intricate this poem truly is. Contest judges also like it because the person who posted the prompt is not always the one who will be judging it.

Good luck in your contest.

Cheri
5
5
Review of Homage to Romance  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to my I WRITE 2018 review of your entry.

INTEREST GENERATING STUFF:

The title is pretty self explanatory. Using the prompt as the teaser to draw the reader in is much more interesting than the standard “contest entry” statement. Ratings and genre are appropriate.

IMAGERY:
Lovely way to capture a fleeting moment in time. A little sweet, a little forlorn, a little special, a little regret. Beautiful.

RHYMING & RHYTHM:
This line is out of rhythm.
of magic and moonlight [easy fix would be of the magic]

OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I have not heard of this poetic form before. Thank you for sharing your gift. I enjoyed this piece very much.
Good luck!

Cheri
6
6
Review of The Cave Delicacy  
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Angus: Found this little gem in the Short Stories Newsletter. I know it was written a while ago, and recently modified. This is so funny, still smiling at shenanigans of this intrepid quad unit.
You know if there were any boo boos I would let you know, but it is polished, well written and down right funny.
7
7
Review of The Good Book  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, saw this in the mystery newsletter. What a fabulous read. The nasty part of me is happy that the curmudgeon got what he deserved, and the nice part of me shutters that anyone would have to experience that fate. That's pretty awesome thing to accomplish. I can't find fault with anything, although maybe with the hint that the wizard will destroy mankind, maybe a 13+ rating is more appropriate.
But I seriously loved this story as written with all the twists and turns, the way the character developed and the cliffhanger at the end.
As always, these are JMO. You have a fantastic author's voice, I look forward to more interesting reads from your port.
8
8
Review of Revenge  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Congrats on the highlight in the comedy newsletter. You are a mean spirited little so and so every once in a while, aren't you? I guess we all need to be at some point in life. I am secretly smiling at this through my church face. At least you have the talent to pull off the digs in a humorous way, it's a gift to walk that line and not trip over your toes. Later,
9
9
Review of Poets and Paupers  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Welcome to my I Write 2018 review. My name is Cheri, and you are one of my favorite authors.

INTEREST GENERATING STUFF:
I like the title and the teaser. I was unfamiliar with Verse Libre so this was a treat for me. Genres selected and rating are appropriate.
IMAGERY:
I am amazed at the beauty that flowed across the page in this work. I am touched deeply by the love and respect you have for these talents.
RHYMING & RHYTHM:
There is no noticeable rhyming in Vers Libre, nor should there be. I did get the ebb and flow of the rhythm and did not feel any hiccups or disruptions.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Sometimes you see a work that you would like to share with the world through a published work. This is in that category. This must have been fun to write. When I looked at the prompts, I hit the wall. So glad you wove them into this beautiful piece. Best wishes on your contest.

Cheri
10
10
Review of Misplaced Love  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a cute little story. Saw it in the comedy newsletter. Congrats on the nod. the only suggestion that I see is that you have contest entry twice as a genre. Maybe romance would be a cute alternative to that. JMO. You don't need to change the story as it has already gotten the kudos it deserves. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face this day.
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11
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this in your port as i wanted to give you Happy Anniversary wishes. they do not go together, but I still want to acknowledge both.

I can see why this is a Quill nominee. It is stunning. It really pulls at the heartstrings. I can't give you any feedback as I do not understand this style of poetry. I can say that it touched me deeply and left me with a pretty good understanding of the heartache that follows in the wake of conditions that affect memory and cognitive thinking.
12
12
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: E | (3.5)
Per your review request, here are my thoughts on Chapters 1, 2, 3. The review is focused solely on polish, hook and story gap.

This is what I get from Chapter 1. A first has happened to the City and it causes concern rather than panic. I drive my car and barely avoid an accident, heck I’m panicked and praying like crazy. Isn’t there something quirky that these people do when they get scared? I get the engineers have a job to do and work is a good way to subdue panic, but there must be something that the civies do.
This is your world building Chapter. It needs more. You are only using 1500 words to layout an entire civilization. It’s an excellent effort, just needs to go farther. Each character should have at least one thing that makes me want to be friends with them. First Defender and Troyak get their military back up when there is a threat and I appreciate that. Omree goes in peaceful protector mode and that’s not enough to make me like him. And Semylyn? She is not showing any quirks. It does not have to be a physical thing, maybe a phrase that when you hear it, you think of her. For instance, when I hear “my, my, my” I think of Lt. Joe Kenda just catching the bad guy in a lie.
I get the scene as the people living in a silo under the sea. I get that they have lived there for centuries without incident. I don’t get that. How do people live together without conflict? That is a part of the world building that you might want to explore and clear up.
Punctuation is flawless. You did more showing than telling, but you could amp it up a bit. You go light on word count if you are trying to reach a younger audience, but I don’t see how you can do that if you are doing some serious world building as you lay out the premise of the story.
Let me take a stab at the basics and see if we are both on the same page.
Premise: Can youth really create the world they want to live into? And do they want to clean up the mess made by the adults around them?
Target Audience: Young adults
Rating: 13+
I did not read the intro until I completed the first chapter. I do that so that I can see if the author is on point or not. And you are, so Yea, you!
I see that you are going to have 8 youth leads in this story. Having each step to the front will be an interesting dance -- not impossible, but the cost will probably show up in the world building arena. If you stay the course, my simple request is that you give me more in world building so that I understand this new culture that you are introducing me to.
If you are getting low ratings, it is not because of your idea, story line, or writing ability. It’s because you don’t bare your soul and let us get up close and personal with your characters enough. You go there a little, just not far enough. JMO,
As always, these are my thoughts and opinions, meant to help you, not discourage you or hurt you. Take what you can use and run with it. Or toss it all together. It’s your story and you have to be true to what you envision.
Just an overall suggestion I give in all my reviews….do a general search for the words “with” or “was”. If there is a stronger, more commanding way to say it, do so. For example,
With a shiver of unease, she searched for the long, gray robe lying across the foot of her bed, donned its protective layer, and slipped her feet to the floor. Extending her arms forward, she took small steps in the direction of the door. [Try: A shiver ran the length of her body, she tentatively searched….or use your own idea, I’m just suggesting that the word “with” does not convey the deep concern/fear permeating throughout the complex.] This is just one example, I saw a dozen more places where with or was can be replaced with jacked up or a cleaner expression of what is happening.


Chapter 2 needs some work.
She watched his lips part in disbelief. [This is an example of where you pull back in letting us get to know your characters or the world they live in. We got the picture that no one at the table believes what is happening, but this reader does not yet know the significance of Omree’s declaration because the culture and complex was not laid out in Chapter 1. If I had some frame of reference via world building in what the Prime was in Chapter 1, I would have a better understanding of the desperation in the room. As it is, the only example I can draw on in my sphere of experience is a black out in NYC that will be okay in a few hours. For me this translates into no big deal and why are these people calling a council meeting over a "no big deal".]
confirming her own confusion. [unnecessary dictation of emotional state. I got her lack of understanding when she shook her head and shrugged.]
The Sun-dwellers have no idea of the Primes existence . [Prime’s]
she look toward her father [looked or looks]
I got Troyak. His defiance and emotions are so near the surface, and this reader likes that.
This chapter explains the problem the civilization is facing.
Not as polished as the first chapter, but did a much better job of laying out the situation and why two minors were at the council table seriously involved in communications beyond their years.
I am starting to care about what happens to this world and the complexity of having to work with people you blame for the problems of your home.


Love Chapter 3. Not very long, and that's probably because I had a frame of reference in my head just by the opening subtitle "New York City, USA" but I got quickly this Jag was one of the chosen, probably military Order rather quickly.
I’m in. I want to find out how the Chosen are contacted and make it to the Gathering. I’m still a skeptic on how a bunch of teens can be reined in to save the world, but it promises to be a good read.

The most excellent news is that I got through the chapters quickly. I read slowly, so it is a good thing that I could not turn away from the read. Just a few tweaks to add fuel to the fire as mentioned above.

I give you full stars for storyline/hook, and take off stars for lack of world building and polish. You are almost there. This has the potential to go to the big screen if you can clean it up a bit more. I would let my kids read this book and would probably take them to the movie.

13
13
Review of A TEXT-MESSAGE  
Review by Cheri Annemos
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cute little story. I don't know what the edits were, but they all seem to be effective. The punctuation was used in an interesting way and helps me get the scene without going into excessive descriptives.
I got the characters through their quirks and the scenery by the observations of the guy.
My favorite part is that I get to imagine that the wife also had the same level of frustrations in keeping up with technologies that are a bit out of reach. I had the same experience when VCRs were so popular and the kids knew what to do. Good thing I did not have a problem demanding that someone else "fix" whatever I screwed up.
Love your author's voice and the things that flitter through your port.
14
14
Review of Maybe  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Cheri and I'm reviewing your work today. My suggestions are intended to be helpful, not hurtful.

Hi, Jon:

Title: I am reviewing this at your request. I shall endeavor to do a good job.


What I like: I am glad you took my encouragement to turn your gift to poetic form. You have such a talent in laying out the scene and the emotion in a way that only poetry can present.


What needs your attention:Looks along with emotions have become posable [did you mean possible? Posable has a fakeness about it that I don't like.]
Knees wet with morning due [morning dew.]
Also, I have found that "other" as a genre is a place holder and does nothing. Look through the genres and pick three that most fit your work. It gets the foot traffic and helps anchor your author's voice in the community. I would suggest "dark", "death, or "emotional" as good alternatives to "other" for this work of art. The first two are good genres. Rating is appropriate.

Overall impression: I think this is awesome. It would be perfect if there were not typos.

Thank you again for allowing me the pleasure of reading your work.

Cheri


Gift from Marci





15
15
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Jon:

Title: I was browsing the dark genre short stories and came upon your story. The title made me stop and the teaser drew me in for a read and review.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: The good news is that you have a strong skill set in story structure and vocabulary use. I see that you have excellent communication skills in that I could tell what was going on and who was in your dream.

What needs work:
Women where around me [were]
no id tags [ID]
with a push from leaving of their hand [no suggested correction, no idea what you were trying to say.]
bones were herd being cracked [heard]
young ladies hand sitting next to me [lady's]
do to my quest and question [due]
everyone one in the room is silenced [delete second one]
You are dropping periods and commas all over the place.
The mild reference to violence would bump this up to a 13+ rating.

Overall Impression: This needs a lot of polish. It might be from writing on the fly on a mobile app....can't tell for sure, but the typos and punctuation problems seem to stem from not having spellcheck back up.

I think that with your writing style, this would have worked better as a poem. Poems can be long enough to accommodate your experience, but the eloquent way you turn a phrase would lay out in poetic verse much better.

Thank you for letting me read your work! these are just my opinions to be used or not as you choose.

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

16
16
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Naveed:

Title: So I browsed your port for your birthday bash and found this in the poetry fails section. Your title and teaser are pretty cute. Brought out a real giggle.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: Well, I'm not an expert on poetry, I just know what I like. To keep me happy there just has to be a rhyme scheme and an understandable image so that I know what you are trying to say.

What needs work: I don't think you can criticize a poem for mistakes, you can always claim that that is the way you wanted it to go. I just don't like other as a genre selection. Nonsense would be a great genre for this one. And medical. Now that would be an interesting mix of genres. No, Children's! That would be even better.

Overall Impression: I like the way this one laid out. It made no sense. So I could either laugh or shake my head, I think I did both. You still maintain your writer's voice. That's pretty awesome.

Is it fair to say that my favorite part of your poetry is the Title and teaser. It's either because I know your work or it made me laugh. Probably both.

Thank you for letting me read your work! These are just my opinions to use or not as you choose.

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

17
17
Review of Lost in Thoughts  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Naveed:

Title: I was wandering through your port and found this award winner there. The title and teaser marry perfectly to get this reader to dive right in for a read and review.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: Your author's voice is so clear and unique. The thoughts that roll off your pen are presented in a complete and coherent story. As always, the character is fully developed, the scenes are laid out fully, the pacing is engaging enough to get the reader from the beginning to the end at a decent speed. You usually polish your fairly well and that is appreciated.

What needs work:
An year after we got married, [A]
Sorry, Naveed, you can't have an E rating with profanity. Bump it up to 13+.
I don't know if this is a plot hole or just me, but when you say he is homeless and then say he is going home .... where is home? It's just a question that was left in the air that did not need to be there.


Overall Impression: The story is beautifully written. You have a gift.

My favorite part of the story is the last lines where you compare an ordinary person's idea of good or bad luck and this old man's view of good luck verses bad luck.

Thank you for letting me read your work! As always these are just my opinions. It is your work to use or not use at your will.

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

18
18
Review of The Delayed Joke  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Naveed:

Title: The Delayed Joke was a catchy title. The teaser line drew me in to see how you would handle an awkward and often embarrassing condition.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: The writing is crisp and clean. Everything flowed to Albert's condition, the dialogue, the emotion, the pacing of the story, the choice of words, all of it was very well done.
For me, I know a story is complete when it comes full circle. In this story, Albert started out as trying too hard and then ended as accepting himself for all that he is and all that he isn't. Your story had a great hook to get me into the story and then it has to move at a reasonable pace to get me to the end.

What needs work:
that there so many other things that you can do [there are]. I don't know if this was a contest entry and you had a word count restriction, it would have been nice to know why that was there.

Overall Impression: You took on a huge challenge to treat stuttering as a condition and not an affliction. Your approach was unapologetic and demanded respect -- I like that.

My favorite part in your story was that aha moment when Albert figured out what was needed to be successful in reaching his true goal.

Thank you for letting me read your work!

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

19
19
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi:

Title: I was browsing the thriller genre and saw the awardicon and stopped my roll. It tells me that there is exceptional writing here. The title and the teaser are perfect for the story presented.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: I need a fantastic first line to draw me in and I need the story to pace so that I stay interested. I need flawless punctuation to keep my attention solely on the story and not be distracted by boo boos. The story has a down arc to a plausible ending which left me wanting more.

What needs work: It is perfect. No suggestions for changes, other than I would like to see what happens next.

Overall Impression: You present a character with a dark side that I can empathize with. I got clear imagery with your word pictures, there are very few authors on this site that can pull together a simple scene with such clarity. I don't know many who would choose this retribution for betrayal, but it works for the story.

My favorite parts of your story are the first and last paragraph. You give such a lovely depiction of rain, how the character became one with the rain, and how rain brought her alive.

Thank you for letting me read your work!

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

20
20
Review of The Resting Place  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Audra:

Title: I was in the Thriller genre and found this story. The title stopped me and the teaser go the nod for a read and review.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: I see that you are an accomplished writer. You tell a complete story, knowing how to start to capture the reader's attention and where to stop to keep us wanting more. This paced correctly and arced in the right spot. When you have limited space for defining your characters, you did it right by going to the psychology and letting the reader fill in their own appearance ideas. I was happy to see you chose the appropriate genres and gave it the proper rating.

What needs work: It does not impact the story, but the first line is a little clumsy. Other than that, the story is fine the way it is. If you have a mind to expand it, there is plenty of room.

Overall Impression: I see your author's voice all over this piece. It is well done. I like short and not so sweet stories like this.

My favorite part of your story is the last line. It is a simplistic and realistic statement of being for the villain in your story.

Thank you for letting me read your work! Looking forward to see what more you have in your port.

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

21
21
Review of The Kidnapper  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Nikki:

Title: I was checking out the triller genre when I happened upon your story. I was looking specifically for a newbie, so stopped at your story for a read and review.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: The good news is you have the bones of a good story. I can tell you have a story line and you have sketched out the characteristics and quirks of the villain.

What needs work: This would be easier to read with formatted paragraphs and dialogue leads.
You drift between first person and third person. It reads better as first person. With first person you were talking about not being able to talk through the gag. In third, you slipped back into telling the story and not experiencing the story.
well I should say you're very loud husband [your]
After the story is formatted, it could really use a loving polish with punctuation.
This should be rated 18+, what with the axe murderer and all.


Overall Impression: I would like to see this when it is expanded. There is a lot of room to reveal the mystery of why this goon hated this couple so much. It could easily be turned into series of stories that revolve around the hunt for a serial killer. Maybe you don't want to write gruesome all the time, but it's a possibility with a villain like the one you created.

Thank you for letting me read your work! These are just my opinions. They are meant to be helpful, not mean-spirited or anything like that. It is your work to do with as you wish.

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

22
22
Review of Seafoam  
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi:

Title: I was wandering the fashion genre and stopped by this piece because of the reference to unicorns. It got me excited to see how you could tie the three genres selected with a unicorn piece.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: This is a perfect poem for a piece aimed at children. It has that singsong quality and repetition that children adore, and the hints at fantasy and fashion that I love. I see this is your first piece --Welcome to Writing.com!

What needs work:
more beautiful then any [than][in both spots]
I did not see any rhyming patterns. It's too artistic to be considered prose. I take it that this is a free verse, there's a word for it, I just don't know what it is. I have seen other poets put their structure inspiration at the bottom of the poem. It might help in future work when you want to enter the contests where that sort of thing is part of the judging process.

Overall Impression: The imagery created is breathtaking. I was right with you watching the unicorns play and dance in the sea. I like your work very much and encourage you to keep sharing with us.

Thank you for letting me read your work!

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

23
23
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, John:

Title: I needed a laugh today, so Satire genre seemed to be a good fit for my mood. I used to work for a lawyer and I wanted to see what you did to poke fun at the profession.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: Well, I can't find anything wrong with your writing. I want to bite you in the pen finger for slandering my legal profession, but that's a different story. (LOL!)
I like your author's voice, so it was a quick fun read. You have a knack to pace it so that the story arcs in the right place.

What needs work: Punctuation needs some fixing. Not enough to distract from the read.

Overall Impression: I can tell you write great stuff no matter what genre is thrown at you. It's a good thing you called this satire because I am still trying to figure out how the guy remembers he has a terminal disease, but can't remember anything else. Maybe you should stick nonsense in as a third genre. (hint hint)
Detective Ryan reminds me of some of the cops up here where I live. They know all the attorneys in town and know just how fast they can go without getting in trouble, and which ones deserve their undivided attention (usually the ones that represent the police union)

Thank you for letting me read your work!

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

24
24
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Maci:

Title: I was tripping through the educational genre and found this little gem. It's a cute title and it's from you, so it gets a read and review. (Hey, that rhymed and it's a poetry piece.)

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: In poetry, you have to get me on the first rhyme pairing. I need to get the gist of the work immediately because there is such a short time to establish the imagery and a hint of the structure the work will take. With this piece all the rhyming stanzas worked together to form a clear picture of this giggle monster. The punctuation was cleverly used to direct the reader on how to recite the poem for maximum emotion. The rating and genres selected were appropriate.

What needs work:
One day I was angry at Gig and tied of his giggle
I saw a few places that could have used a comma, because it tilted the cadence a little bit.


Overall Impression: This is a fantastic children's poem. The rhymes and meter all work to give it a sweet singsong vibe.

My favorite line by far was the part about laughter making the heart tall. Laughter really does ease a whole lot of hurts and woes.

Thank you for letting me read your work!

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

25
25
Review by Cheri Annemos
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi Emilie:

Title: I was wandering through the cultural genre. Your title made me stop and the teaser drew me in to get the read and review.

I'm Cheri and I'm one of the sly foxes of House Florent.

What I liked: You have the bones to a good story. It seems to be loosely based on the true story of Elizabeth Smart. This idea is a scary one for me, and it takes a lot of guts to take on a story with this level of trauma.

What needs work: You have a kidnap and rape. It is automatically an 18+ rating, not E. If you want to keep it E, you have to have the meet up in a place other than a bar and you have to stop this side of anything nasty.

Overall Impression: This is too big a story for this short a piece. It needs a lot of fill in of the gaps to be a truly great story. The good new is that you have a lot of talent, you just need to take your time and flesh out the story more. When I was a newbie, someone with a kind and generous heart told me to tell a complete story no matter how long it was. In your case I will add that you have to read everything you can on Show,don't tell, and stories on the subject matter of your topic so that you get an idea of what a person thinks and feels in various scenarios.

If I had to guess, I would say you were inspired by a real event, and wrote out a fantastic introduction, got stuck, wrote an inspired one line ending, went back and threw words down to force the intro to work with the ending, but did not want to get into the horror of what you were writing about. I know because I wrote a story with a kidnap and rape and mine was 10,000 words, and it still reads as lacking because I could not jump that gap and get into my character's head to want to experience such a traumatic event.

I hope that helps. Thank you for letting me read your work!

Cheri

What does the fox say? WRITE ON

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