Hello, Derek: This review is in response to your request for a detailed review of your story. My style is to do a quick scan for stylistic things and then a second review for core competencies. If I am making note of anything, please take it as constructive criticism, not a personal attack that needs to be defended. You always have the option to ignore the suggestions. Nothing in my review is a personal attack, but warm fuzzies do not stretch your writer’s wings.
1. Concept and Theme: I want to get as much of your story idea in the first paragraph as possible to make me want to read until the end. From your first paragraph I am expecting a story about how this old man was hurt to the depth of his being by the events surrounding a fish festival.
The title is extremely important in that it is what stops the searching, and causes the reader to check out the teaser. Both are acceptable. I do not have any ideas to improve them.
2. Characters: I can get the characters through the pacing and the dialogue. Twig, I think he should use words that the young kids use. Big Buffer and Miah are okay. They read pretty close, though. Big Buffer should have more of an authoritarian speaking style, and Miah would have more of the gruffness of a fishermen. These are just my observations, and you do not have to use them at all.
Also, I want you to expand your vocabulary. There are many different ways to say shouted. In the first encounter between Twig and Miah, can use words like whined, cried, barked out, just experiment. Readers get tired of said, asked, shouted, so the writer needs to mix it up a little.
If this is the Caribean, it is okay to write as they talk, so that the accent is carried in the dialogue. As long as it is in quotes, it does not have to be perfect because people do not speak perfectly.
3. Story architecture : When you hit the story arc, that is the part of the story that drove you, you were able to do come up with a plethora of same and similar words to say the say, said, asked and shout. When you were laying the foundation work in the beginning paragraphs, this was not done. It was just a series of explanations, and not a story. Again, just my observation to do with as you will. By the time you got to the end, you eased out of the story in a calm and orderly manner.
4. Scene execution: This could use more descriptives in the beginning. When you got to the part of the story that you wanted to tell, you could do this oh, so well. But in the foundational part of the story it is lacking, like in a big way.
5. Technicalities: This story is riddled with punctuation problems. The timeline needs a second review. It sounds like Jeremiah married young, for two years, widowed for 21 years and yet he is an old man with a deeply lined face. Give it some thought. The beginning would be a good time to point out that years of pain blessed his face with deep lines and tortured eyes, and slowed his gait to that of an old man. In fact, that would be a better teaser than the one you have. Just think about it.
6. Writing voice: When you tell the story with care and conviction, I get your author’s voice very strongly. The foundational stuff, I don’t know who you are. It’s like I am reading two different people.
Categories of punctuation problems that I would like you to take a second look at.
Whoever, not who ever. Cannot, not can not. Overhead, not over head. Everybody, not every body.
Capital Letter after a sentence ender like a . or ?
When you use a series of questions, I realize people talk like that, but each question should have a ? not …. [for example: You know curare right? Right, Big Buffer, the? The muscle poison from certain bushes.?]
Make sure your interrogatives end with a ? and not a .
Stick a common in front of every personal name or title. Example: “What you mean, Inspector?”
man after you break in is house? [s/b his house]
"You were there? You knew her, how? How...?" said Twig with a wider stare. [try: faltered to a stop as his stare widened.]. In this section you also have some tense mix ups between knew and know. Pick one. Either works, they just have to be the same.
You looking to get shot at this time of night?" said Big Buffer [I prefer to use interrogatives after a ? rather than a standard like said. And i prefer to use words like inquired for interrogatives rather than said.
For the paragraphs staring: "You hear from my mother recently? Try using the string in interrogative form: Letter? Phone call? Anything?" Also I would switch up the end of the paragraph a bit, such as: Twig had not spoken of her with him in over five years. He knew his question was out of the blue. [I did not like this paragraph. Fix it the way you choose or the way I suggested.]
Make sure all your beginning quotes and all sentences/paragraphs have a capital letter.
Buffer Hackett in shock. He, reached out and held the old man around his neck [I would replace held with seized because it is a stronger word and more in line with the character’s personality.]
Why I feel so strange?" Buffer’s voice was weak. [there are side effects to being drugged and you need to be clearer about that. I got the physical things, but this is an added one. I would add drooling if that can be a side effect of this drug you discuss.]
This is your first question; [use : for each of the three questions.]
where is Linda now?" asked Miah. [demanded is a stronger word and more in line with the heated exchange between the two people in this conversation.]
I hope this was helpful to you. If any of my comments are unclear, I will clarify.
Later,
Cheri
"Game of Thrones" 
 
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