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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chomonkyo
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405 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
Things I liked:
--The rhyme scheme gives this a good feel.
--"takes bake its colors": I didn't get this initially, but the second line clarified, and it was a good image. But what about the colors that are left? Is "The Master" the master of Spring and Summer?

Things I'd suggest thinking about:
--Some sort of punctuation at the end of the first line, because the second line comes too abruptly--and, as I said, that initial image was a bit confusing at first, so give the reader a pause and then help them understand.
--(Again I say it, sorry): punctuation at the end of the third line, or a line break. Something to slow this down. It's a wintry image, and winter is slow, solemn, cold.


Nicely done. Good luck with this.



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2
2
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time there was <b>a childhood that had always played a part in the creative power of digressions, regressions, indiscretions, and conversations that went everywhere and nowhere but nonetheless satisfied, made whole, the heart and mind of being--these being Bruce, Matt, and Ted, friends, sons of single mothers, children of sin</b>.

Every day <b>after school they would walk together, though in different third-grade classes, to their babysitters' house, along streets lined with poplar and elm. Every day, they would pass time with Gene and Mildred, the elderly couple supplementing their retirement pensions and spreading the word of Christ anyway they could. Bruce, Matt, and Ted would play in the back yard, digging holes, building forts in the bushes, catching daddy-long-legs, playing tag and freeze tag, and scratching games of Tic-Tac-Toe into the side of the concrete back steps. When the sun went down, they'd be inside, playing dominoes, taking piano lessons, saying prayers, or watching pro wrestling on TV.</b>.

One day,<b> one of the boys broke a window, having thrown a rock at another boy. The sound was heard, the shattered glass and the rock were found, but no one would say who'd done it.</b>

Because of that,<b> Gene took down the wooden paddle from its hook above the pantry. The three boys were sat down in the kitchen, and each asked in turn who'd thrown the rock that had broke the window. Gene clapped the paddle against his palm to make them fear. Still, no one would say who'd done it.</b>

Until finally,<b> Mildred bent each boy firmly across her knee, and Gene whack, whack, whacked each boy until he screamed out in pain. Yet, none would say who'd done it. Frustrated, sweating, and even swearing, Gene gave in, Mildred relented, and each boy went home with his mother, red faced, moist eyed, lips sealed tighter with anger and resentment. TV's were watched, dinners eaten, beds slept in, school attended, days passing into weeks, into months, into years. Years passed, childhood passed, friends parted. Bruce, Matt, and Ted never met again once their own families had started. And still no one would say who'd done it, but all remembered, and in remembering felt whole, in the heart and mind of being.</b>


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3
3
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
Nice word choice and message.

Haven't read an acrostic in years, so I was surprised to find this. Thank you.

Would you consider uping the anty a bit, though, and trying a double acrostic (I have no idea if this is a thing). While reading, I felt that the initial capitals, though necessary for form, were distracting. I wondered if it would be possible to capitalize other, important words--that's when I came across the word "glad" in your poem: capitalize the last word of the first four lines (you've done so with two already). Might not be much of a struggle to work something else in there on the last four lines.

Watch the typo: "I n" should be "In"

Good luck with this. Sorry I can't offer more than just a suggestion.
4
4
Review of Albatross  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Not sure how the edit points work--never used them myself--but most of my comments throughout are positive, some urging restraint.

You've an excellent story here. Great narrative quality. Much better than anything realistic I've achieved. So, my comments tend to focus on restraining your need to express yourself where a whisper or silence would be better. I hope my advice helps, because this is good.

Nothing to suggest in terms of grammar and spelling. Nothing to note about the pacing. The opening and the ends flow into one another well. The main character achieves a kind of resolution, symbolized by the fading ghost (which you might want to reconsider: is it too metaphoric?)

Overall: one of the best narratives I've read on this site in months. Great work.


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5
5
Review of The Portal  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I see this as the beginning of a longer narrative. It does set the tone you were trying for nicely, though I would recommend cutting down on the use of "red". A few more suggestions or notes:

--The blood red clouds :: Blood red clouds
--like giants eels :: (but eels aren't red...)
--moon shined :: moon shone
--breathing fires :: breathing fire
--and remians :: and remains
--I see all of this from the mountain side as a couple of the creatures flew towards me. :: (paragraph break before this sentence, because you are switching perspective on the reader, and they need a bit of a head's up).
-- to remeber :: to remember
--some scientists :: ("some" sounds lazy. Add a bit of detail to make it more realistic)
--begining :: beginning


Good start. Keep it up. Good signs of a vivid imagination here needing to be mined.



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6
6
Review of The Quran  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
Clear and concise. Nice start. The following are some suggestions for making this stronger and even more clear:

--Rewrite "is a really beautiful" so you don't have to use "really": it is a weak work, and doesn't give the sense of beauty you wish to convey.

--"God by definition. is Just, Wise,Merciful,Compassionate," You needs spaces after the commas, and no period after "definition".

--Allah(god): space after "Allah"

--it(not literally): space after "it"

--"one god" : usually, a monotheistic God is referred to with a capital letter.

--are wrong: "our wrong"

Good luck with this.


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7
7
Review of The Moon  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clever, and warming. I could see this giving confidence to a few people who view themselves as "ugly," but I can also see it cheering a few people who see everything else as "ugly." Nicely done.

No technical problems. I did want to point out at the beginning that, no, we can't always see the moon up there, but you seemed to deal with that by the end.

Your prose has a great naturalness and rhythm to it. A little envious of that!

To improve readability, consider breaking it up in shorter paragraphs--this isn't necessary, but some people complain that long paragraphs are hard to read online.

All-in-all, good work. Thanks. Cheered me a bit.


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8
8
Review of Uncle's Memoirs  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great attention to detail. The plot moves forward nicely, and the characters help engage us, and add color to the landscape. The narrative trick of using the memoir helps here, as do the reminisces of the neighbors.

The only suggestion I could make is that you need to flush out the ending a bit more. It's too short, too abrupt, and doesn't really give us a picture of how (or even why) this guy dealt with his shock. I wanted to know why it affected him so badly: he didn't know the guy, didn't know the victims, but it seemed to unhinge him a bit nonetheless. A couple other notes:

--Don't use ALL CAPS.
--"Now, it's time to confess my sins at last..." But this didn't indicate he had written, or that his nephew had read, them.

In general, a good read. Thank you.


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9
9
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
You'll probably hear this advice a lot as you write, but, whenever possible, rewrite so you use adverbs sparingly. For example, you write "weigh heavily," but I think the sentence would sound better with some one word in place of these two. For example, "burden"--probably not the best word, but it's a suggestion.

"Rite" should be "right."

"So I will continue to walk the shadowed streets at night as the rest of the world sleeps and try to disappear into the shadows that consume everything else around me." A good sentence, no doubt about that, let me suggest a comma to clarify who is trying to disappear: "So I will continue to walk the shadowed streets at night as the rest of the world sleeps, and try to disappear into the shadows that consume everything else around me."

The word "profound" is too heavy, and makes the speaker sound rather full of himself/herself. In this case, less really is more. Just say: "return to the world with something to teach," which, also omitting "it," sounds more humble and more fitting of a soul searching not only for answers but also for questions.

The sentence "I had good parents, a decent life, and a steady job," had me wondering if the narrator was actually dead, and this brief monologue would lead the reader to that surprise understanding at the end. This didn't seem to materialize. Was that an effect you were hoping for? If not, consider it. This monologue could be part of a larger story, say, the beginning of a narrative, as a means of getting inside the narrator's head (supposedly).

"So why do I feel like there is something missing from this world that I enjoy?" There's nothing wrong with using the word "enjoy" here. Nothing at all. But...why mention it if you are not going to go into at least a little detail about what you do enjoy about it? You see, I think that would add both color and emotional weight to what you are saying. Yes, he/she mentioned "good parents, a decent life, a steady job," but those descriptive words (good, decent, steady) seem bland, leached of feeling. This reminds me of that painting by Edvard Munch, "The Scream," this depiction of an existential angst despite being surrounded by a world that, on the surface at least, is not so bad, supports us, allows us to live, even hands us a doggy biscuit of contentment now and then, but for many cannot soothe or satisfy, denying the very existence of certain questions while at the same time offering illusory answers.

What is this piece of writing, you asked. Well, whatever it is, it got me thinking enough to write/say this much, and that is something. Communication is the only means of finding those questions, and the only assurance--thin and frail though it may be--that others are out there.

Argh. Now I sound preachy, so I will leave you be: here you go.


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10
10
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Cute and playful with such a morose subject. I liked it!

Good rhythm and word choice. Most awkward lines were:

"Beneath his chin he aimed his brains to blow:
He shot the gun but in his haste he missed."

But I have no recommendations of how to resolve this. It was just a place I had to pause and slow down, to make sure I understood what you were saying.

This works well as a humorous poem and commentary on humanity--but it also would work as a cartoon. Just my thinking. Don't worry.

Thanks for cheering my morning.


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11
11
Review of Trapped  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Ambitious, forceful, and distinctive. I found a lot here worth praise, but also too much that weakened your idea.

I will start with the issues that distract from your story.

=A lack of editing. Much of this looks like a first draft, one that you didn't check for errors.
=Misused/overused capitaliziation: some of these words really don't need the emphasis implied by capital letters. A lighter touch would say more.
=Spell out numbers less than fifteen.
=Much of the grammar problems seem to stem from mistyping or from misused/unused commas. For example:

--I streak of Lightning :: A streak of lightning
--And with that said crying :: and with that said, crying
--A.Js :: A.J.'s
--me A.J and my dad :: me, A.J, and my dad
--Then he started towards me he looked scary. :: Then he started towards me. He looked scary.
--my hair an pulled ::my hair and pulled
(I will note no more errors, so you will need to check for them on your own)

Now, the things I liked or found interesting.

I like the rhythm of your diction. You alternate between long and short sentences, with the short ones giving a sense of urgency and power, while the long ones, filled with action, carry us deeper in to the narrator's mind. Nicely done.

You bury the quotes inside long paragraphs. This is unusual these days, when most people prefer to set them apart in their own paragraphs, making it easier for people to read, especially online. Stylistically, it sets you apart, but it does also run the risk of making your work more difficult (more work) to read. You will have to decide how you want to manage this.

All-in-all, a good start, a good kernel, a good narrative. It needs editing, cleaning up, and revising. But the core is there. The core is noticeably worth the effort. Thanks for sharing it. Good luck with it.


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12
12
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Liked the tone and the word choice. Liked the setting and the topic. Especially drawn in by the opening lines, their unusual rhythm and imagery.

My single biggest concern is capitalization: not sure why some words were chosen for the big letters, and why some were not. Capitals usually connotes something very significant to the poem or the poet, but here their choice is unclear. That distracted me.

Loved:
--a map-patched skin
--comatose stones

I didn't find anything particularly troubling about the ending, so I'm not sure how I can help you there.

Thank you for sharing this.


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13
13
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
A warming little vignette, a picture of a moment in time, filled with emotion and loving memory. Nicely done.

I particularly liked the tone of voice: direct, casual, carrying off the sense that you were speaking directly to the other person in the story. In that respect, please consider changing "could have" to "could've" in the second paragraph, and ask yourself if "remove" is the best word for these people to be saying. That change of tone was noticeable, and I wondered if you had intended it as a means of distancing yourself from the other person, foreshadowing a darker end to the story.

Also, consider another way to say "extreme cold." The phrase, as it is, doesn't sound so cold. I don't know why, but I'm sure there's a better synonym out there somewhere.

Other than that, I mean what I said at first: this is an evocative picture into two people's relationship. Set amidst a cold setting, they warm our hearts and theirs. Nicely done.


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14
14
Review of Angel  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice. Sentimental without being maudlin. Touching without being tear-jerking. I appreciated that.

At first, i was a bit confused by the mixed use of present and past tense, but then it made sense.

I wonder if you really need to capitalize Angel and Guardian. It is, of course, your choice, but it comes off, to me, a bit heavy. Again, that is just me. You'll have to decide if it works for you.

Other than that, no worries. Good poem. Thank you. This was my favorite line:

"I dread the day I will lose him,
Though I know one day it will come,"


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15
15
Review of Gifting Plague  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Excellent rhythm in the first stanza grabbed my attention.

Second stanza took a couple of reads to follow. Perhaps my own density.

Third stanza was elusive: I figured I knew what you were getting at, or could guess it from the previous stanzas, but the last two lines, without punctuation, really confused me. Took me a few readings before I felt confident that I'd gotten your message.

That is not inherently a bad thing. If you think it is, then it is easy to fix: use some end-line punctuation. I don't see how this would distract from your message, or weaken the strength of the words you've chosen.

That said, I liked the poem, appreciated the message, felt better after having read it. Thank you.


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16
16
Review of Check and Mate  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (2.5)
Fun read. I liked the attention to detail in the moves, and the language used to describe the movements. some knowledge of chess shown here, and I love chess. Much appreciated.

I would suggest you look for ways to combine some of these sentences. there's a lot of repetition in sentence structure: most sentences start the same way ("he" or "she), and you could really vary the rhythm by combining some of these. Just a suggestion. Below are a few more suggestions concerned with grammar and vocabulary.


--And this, was a blind date :: And this was a blind date.
--he was starting to be aging :: he was starting to age
--She made her classic opening :: She made her usual opening ("usual," though not the best word, is more appropriate than "classic" in this sense because "classic" means it is famous).
--Ben Liked what he saw :: Ben liked what he saw
--letting me devellop :: letting me develop
--The movements were growing :: their moves were growing

--sometimes, you use "piece" instead of "pieces"


All in all, a fun read. A good start to a good story. Thank you.


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17
17
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.5)

"mortified and modified" fits perfectly where you've placed in in the poem, and really does sum up the message. Nice phrasing.

Visually, this style has impact. It lends a sense of shape, or curves and flow, to words that are not decorative but insistent, demanding attention in their brevity, as they stand alone but resonate in their passing. Again, nice phrasing, but also nice setting.

Rhythm: good, if the reader doesn't stop or pause reading. That's what caught me up, and is the danger of short-line poems, I think: we get to reading so fast that we skip or miss something, and so go back. It's a strange thing, but it happens unless we read slowly and deliberately (which we should in poetry, but not always), and when the rhythm starts to take us, with such a driving rhythm as this, then it's almost guaranteed we're oing to start reading fast, and stumble.

Message: Ouch. Well-said, but ouch. Hopefully, someone listens.

Good work.


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18
18
Review of ONLY A DAY  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Beautiful, succinct, evocative. The only place I paused was at "Wartorn" because I'm not sure if it works as one word--picky, sorry. Otherwise, the imagery is apt, the message clear, giving a real sense of pride and love in something that changes--in life. Thank you.


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19
19
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved the tone and rhythm. That's what I read first and foremost in poetry; if it's good, I'll go back and read for meaning.

Don't capitalize Mortals. "Dwell" means to live in a certain location. Is "rampage" a location?

Nothing easy to grasp in this. The tone speaks more clearly than the words. I have to dig to get meaning--this may be a good thing. But I'm not ready for such work right now. I am enjoying the poem, but sense it has a darkness inside I'd rather not deal with right now. Sorry.

Like I said, though: loved it. And without having to get really deep into it. That's a good thing, I think. Nicely done. Keep it up.


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20
20
Review of Happy Family  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (1.5)
You bring off the misery of the boy and girl's life rather well from the beginning, but the effectiveness of this description, and the emotional impact it could have, get lost in a series of grammatical and spelling mistakes that cause too much confusion.

This reads as a first draft, and a quick one, so I will treat it that way: there are many spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Even the names of the characters get changed sometimes. These, of course, need to be cleared up before the emotional impact you're looking for can be achieved.

As for the story itself: rags to riches. While not my usual preferred reading, it is a type of story that appeals to many, especially if there is some moral message to the story. Often, it's through cleverness, sometimes through hard work, sometimes through supernatural/religious means. But there's always something for the reader to identify as the method and message of the story: here, it is not clear. The way I read it, the two kids just seem to get lucky, and then they live a happy life for the rest of their days.

Still, it has the foundations of a good start to a story. I would be interested to know what happens to the kids. This could be the start of a much longer story about these two children, instead of the whole story. Good luck with it.


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21
21
Review of A Love Poem, Life  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done. This is a very lyric, musical piece, with a lilting cadence that compliments the message, keeping things from getting too serious or too maudlin. I liked it, even though it is not my usual reading material, and that you should take as a compliment.

A couple things I stumbled over during the reading, though I am not sure they are problems:

--"This rain-soaked earth does take a bath." Hmmm. I almost stopped reading with that one, the forced nature of the rhyme and the way the line just crashed down onto "bath." But, I kept going. I am sure other readers would, too.

--"Staying humble, with truths so rare" :: I am not sure you need a comma here. A little thing, but one you might think about.

Other than those two things, I found nothing else that distracted from the reading. As I said: well done. A soothing, joyful read. Thank you.


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22
22
Review of Bayou Charmer  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First off, let me say I love the dialogue, especially the diction, and especially that it gets so thick as to be nearly incomprehensible. Been a long time since I've encountered that, and I'd forgotten how involving it can be. Thank you.

Nice that you didn't explain what a pirogue was, that you let the reader piece it together, even though it was a major part of the setting, but not of the plot. Great attention to detail, and something I am going to have to think about more in my own writing.

Dark, glistening setting. Like that. I felt the piece is well done: would love to get involved more in this place, with these people, and see their relationships develop and complicate. Have you expanded on this somewhere else?


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23
23
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A good start. A couple things to watch out for at this stage:

--You're stating the obvious when you've already shown. Your character uses formal language, and then you say they were speaking formally, or they confess something, and then you tell us they confessed.
--There are a few misused commas in place of periods, or commas missing, as in before a title of address "My Lady")

Overall, the story has enough detail and keeps moving. It doesn't stumble, and the narrative flows well. Nicely done.


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24
24
Review of Moonlight Rainbow  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
First Impressions
Fantasy, riddled interesting ideas, hampered by too many confusing grammatical issues, but entertaining nonetheless. I will not say more than that. Please consider the following list of issues--edit, message me, and let me read again, after which I can give more comments.


Accuracy Issues
--I tore off the map from the book :: I tore the map from the book
--during the recess :: during recess
--alone in the class :: alone in class (grammatically okay, but not necessary; omit in the interests of parsimony)
--the box won’t open :: the box wouldn't open
--it was a full moon tonight (This makes my head hurt!) :: it was a full moon that night
--these are my :: these were my
--watching T.V in the drawing room while dad arrived from work (Argh! This means your dad took a long time to park his car and walk in the front door, enough time for you to watch a TV program, possibly from start to finish) :: watching T.V in the drawing room when dad arrived home from work
--mere a :: merely a
--I stood frozen at my feet :: I stood frozen
--warming me up :: warming me (think about it this way: is it possible to warm someone down/sideways/backwards, etc.?)
--in the middle, stood :: in the middle stood
--little sister equally shocked :: little sister, equally shocked
--She led out :: She held out
(I'm stopping here because I am running out a time at work for this)




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25
25
Review of The Fall of Faith  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
A nice little prod in the thought organ Well articulated, good word choice, and ends nicely.

One thing that caused me to pause was the way this is set up as a poem, and the initial lines have a certain musical quality-but it is not carried through, and I felt let down. Not sure if there is anything you can, or want, to do about this, but thought I would let you know.

Thanks for sharing.


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