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51
51
Review of A Letter to John  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
Not the kind of thing I usually read, but, that said, I think I can say you got your emotions across quite well. Some great imagery to convey the sense of inner turmoil (though I was confused by "oyster black"). Overall, and effective letter, with a bit of editing to do:

Typos and Grammar
--affect :: effect
--write This :: write this
--warmth it’s no :: warmth, it’s no
--While You :: while you
--bones something :: bones, something
--Pure; But :: Pure, but
--words “It’s over”. :: words: “It’s over.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (2.5)
Let's see: is this "too pathetic"? Hmmm.

Nope.

Human, maybe. At least you've come the right forum to contact with fellow writers, many of whom share the same insecurities as you. So, no worries there.

I don't want your email or telephone number. I'm not the friendly type. I am, however, someone you can bounce ideas off of. If you've got something in your portfolio you want reading, send me a message and I will see what I can do.

Oh, and you misspelled "though".

Take care.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
First Impressions
--I wondered if this was a fiction looking like a letter. Couldn't find a solid hint of that, and that's no worry. This is a fictional query letter, though, and an interesting concept for a novel. Well done.

Suggestions and Questions
--"words, "Perhaps" :: words: "Perhaps
--"whose lives they've touched, whose lives they've changed" :: unnecessarily repetitious as no new information is given in the second clause.
--"I have published my first novel, All Living, in 2012" :: I published my first novel, All Living, in 2012
--"down through the centuries" :: is "down" necessary or is it just an attempt to be poetic? If it is meant to be poetic, it doesn't fit the letter's voice.
--no quotes are "late" :: either your grandfather is dead or he isn't; there's no other sense to be conveyed, unless you are trying to hint that he is physically alive and that's part of the hook; otherwise, the reader gets the idea of "alive in words" without you telling us.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (2.5)
First Impressions
--Nice historical details, really sets the mood: homesteading, land for pennies, put us about 150 years in the past....and then we come across "an old double-wide trailer," which really threw me for no reason i could immediately discern.
--First sentence distracts: "persecution of the town". It is unclear if the town is being persecuted, or the woman.

Suggestions
--Watch the repetition: advertisement advertising, plot plot...
--Who the heck is Bill? First mention threw me.
--Mountain goats running around the hills...hmm. Maybe the analogy is not so strong.

Accuracy Issues
--curios boy :: curious boy
--Bill Look! Peanut Butter :: no caps for look and butter
--He places the pounding :: He placed the pounding

Suggestions/Questions
--Omit "in a world they had no control over" unless you want to explain why they felt that way.
--Why is it important these kids did this? Why is it important their parents' past? The answers to these questions will give shape to this story.
--Why are the rocks so important? You devote so much time and care to their placement and description. Is there a reason for this?

Overall, a good start. Don't give up on it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review of Playground  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
First Impressions
--Opening paragraph's "almost" built tension to discover why "almost." However, this is not resolved soon enough, I felt, and so the tension dissipated unnecessarily in a story so short.
--Cows ruminate, not people. Avoid the word. People watching a beloved child play think or ponder or reflect.
--"two years" ;; two years ago/before
--The relationships between these characters is a bit confusing for me, I think because there are so many names involved in such a short space of time, and the impressions of each is not so strong to keep them separate in my mind on the first reading.
--"his voice booked" :: "his voice brooked"

Ending Impression
--An emotional tale the jelled quite nicely at the end, developing a strong punch.
--Some early confusion as to the relationships and narrator's emotional situation drained the story of some of its emotional impact.

Suggestions/Questions
--cut "the thin material of" :: t-shirt should convey the same idea.
--Teenagers play four-square??
--"Once we were separated" '' this is the beginning of my confusion. It means they will be separated, but that doesn't seem to be a certainty in this case.
--"the touch screen of my phone' :: "the touch screen"
--In general, revise to reduce the use of "I".
--Move the last paragraph to before the sentence "There would be time for grief later." this would darken the tone and keep, I feel, the emotional impact of uncertainty/fragility in this relationship.

Nicely done. Thank you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
Cute. Engaging rhythm at the start, though it seemed to fall apart, still, you kept the reader's interest despite the use of technical words (good choice, in my opinion).

One question: do you feel the last line is necessary? I think I can see the reason for listing the price, but the line seems to fall dead: the rhythm, the words (Wal Mart never seems to sound good), and the price, though lilting, doesn't resonate.

Some punctuation/grammar suggestions to make the reading smoother:
--In general, you don't you end-line punctuation. Is there a reason for this? I found it jarring, as I had to go back and make sure I'd really gotten to the end of a thought.
--you fat button you :: you fat button, you
--internet :: Internet
--So dear waffle iron :: So, dear waffle iron (without comma, So denotes degree, which adds a level of maudlin sentiment crushing your light-hearted lyricism)
--But only available (sadly), :: But only available (sadly)

Fun to read. Thank you.
57
57
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Fun. I will say again, though: Too short by far. I want to see what happens next. I want to see complication. I want to see resolution. I want to see his/her man/womanhood springing free again and again in the playful way you have with concepts. The initial gender confusion, with the female pronoun and the male name, worked well. It's a rich playground you've created, but it's only open for five minutes twice a week. I want more. Any chance of that?

--during a game which she kept concealed in her ample cleavage :: (she kept a game concealed in her cleavage? interesting pun. Intentional?)

--hallway.. :: hallway.
58
58
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Ha! A little tentacle-in-cheek humor there. Too short by far, but it's got the interesting character, the provoking scenario, and the unusual narrative voice, all of them hooking the reader in should the story be developed more. Aside from the typos or grammar mistakes, I don't have any major criticisms; just a suggestion: extend this. It's not done.

This part made me pause and read over: "The ground seemed to fly underneath her feet. Christine said not a word to her mother, but went directly to shower". I got a little lost, didn't understand that she was running home, and didn't see her arrive. Just telling you.

This part, so early in the story, lost me: "There is the crash of breaking glass and then a light appears in the basement. Quickly texting her friends, Christine tip toes up to the basement window." I couldn't envision anyone actually stopping to send a text after doing something like this. It was quirky, and nothing in the story up to that point prepared me for that.


Minor problems:
--picks up a small rock and tosses at :: tosses it at
--to shower; and covered herself with soap: (no semicolon or punctuation needed)


Thanks for making me smile. Good luck with the piece.

A quick question: would you be interested in giving me some feedback on a piece of mine? I'm putting up chapters to a novel, and would appreciate feedback. The novel is titled "Chi Chi" and is in my highlighted section. Any chance of getting you to read some of it?
59
59
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very detailed descriptions combined with an interesting character provide a good hook into this story. The tale is not exactly my usual fare--I got lost amidst all the military terminology, especially the ranks. There are some grammatical or typing mistakes, a couple of which I've noted below. In terms of general issues, I would say that for anyone not familiar with the terminology, the story might be a bit difficult at times. Other than that, this is a solidly written first chapter.

--und Earlich, was :: und Earlich was
--At leasy women :: At least women

Would you be interested in giving me some feedback on my first chapter? The novel title is "Chi Chi," and it is in my highlighted items area.
60
60
Review of Life's a Circus  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initial Impressions
--This was a fun romp through some well-known, supernatural character types, and I quite enjoyed it.
--Sometimes it gets a little confusing in the scene switches, trying to keep track of the characters.

Global Concerns
--As I said, it gets confusing in the scene switches, because I have a hard time keeping track of who is doing what. This could be just me, though. If this is something you are concerned about, I would suggest losing the scene breaks and fill them in with narrative, leading the reader along to see what is happening.

Local Concerns
--Basically the machines will do things for him because, well, they want to make him happy. :: (Omit "basically". The sentence is quirky enough in its content to stand alone without editorial comment).
--I shook my head, “Really?” :: (not sure about this, but I think a comma is used with dialogue only after the verb "to say." Otherwise, a colon or a period is used. I think in this case a period is needed. What do you think?)
--as the last of the goons many looking a bit green apologized :: as the last of the goons, many looking a bit green, apologized

Parts I Loved
--Kids came out screaming and hurried to get back in line, which brought more kids over.
--(The whole scene in the haunted house, and the bits where the circus people attack.)
--(The mafia guy being teleported into the police station was a nice touch.)

Final Thoughts
--This is a fun story with lots of potential, given the characters and their abilities. It seems too short on its own, though. Have you considered extending it? As it stands, it reads more like an introduction to the characters in Dewitt's care.

-----------------------------
Request
--I am looking for people to help me with my first novel. Specifically, I am looking for feedback on the chapters I have posted in my portfolio. If you are interested, the title of the novel is "Chi Chi," and it is in my highlight works section. It would really help me out to hear what you have to think.
61
61
Review of Masquerade  
Review by Dis-Ease
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Impressions
--Language choice fits the scene.
--Reminds of a story by Edgar Allen Poe, "The Mask of the Red Death".

Global Concerns
--The word choice, while largely suitable, sometimes gets to be too much, and becomes wordy. For example: "danced elegantly upon the floor". "Upon the floor" is unnecessary, unless there's a point where they might dance upon the ceiling, and the added words don't really add to the rhythm of the sentence.

Local Concerns
--I noticed no obvious or confusing errors. Nice.

Points I Especially Liked
--The parallelism and balance of the opening two sentences: "The music was excellent; the masks impeccable. The food was perfect; the people lovable."

Final Thoughts
--I liked the ending, but it all left me wondering how this tied in with your editorial comment about Preserving Space. I must admit, I have no idea what that is, so it left me confused. By itself, the story does what I think you were hoping to achieve. To give more impact, I would recommend digging into some of the characters a bit, bringing out the vanities and insecurities that make such masquerades preferable to the real. Maybe read the Poe story I mentioned to see an example of this?
--Overall, a solid scene with a clear, cool message. Thank you.
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62
Review of Feathers  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
First Impression
--Strong, clear narrative voice.
--Few errors, which is very welcome, and shows you cared about both the story and the reader.
--Liked the description and the internal monologue.

Need Attention
--I was ten ever since. :: ever since I was ten.
--I still don't know why Michel gave me the chain, the :: I still don't know why Michel gave me the chain. The
--panting "don't worry, :: panting: "Don't worry,"
--Except those were not arms, it dawned on me, those were wings. :: Except those were not arms-- those were wings.

Parts that Stood Out
--I had only heard the word used once, when one of the men that Michel had taken to see me pointed at them and gasped "he has wings!"

Final Thoughts
--This is a good opening to a potentially longer story, or it is a decent short, short story on its own. You decide. The pieces are all there: What happens next? Why did Michel lock him up? To protect him? Who is the fat man? What are their motivations? You leave us with many questions, questions to be answered only by you. Keep up the effort. Thanks for sharing.
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63
Review of The Cup  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
First Thoughts
--I liked the voice of this: somber, brooding, careful and controlled.
--I was a bit confused at first by the use of the well of the cup, because I couldn't get past the idea that maybe the writer had meant the "lip" of the cup, but maybe that's just me. Once I got to the fourth line, though, that confusion disappeared.
--Overall, the image her works very well with the message, and that is a message I really like. The poet Li-Young Lee told me that the purpose of poetry is memory, and I think you've hit the nail on the head here. Nice work.

Suggestions
--That mixes memories and regrets :: (no comma at end of line)
--It's still brown reflection of eyes, :: It's still, brown reflection of eyes (no comma at end of line)
--Bears a gentle acknowledgment :: (again, no comma at end of line)
--Some people will say "That" is a useless or clunky word, and I'm not sure whether I agree with them in all cases, but in this poem, you might consider revising out the "That": "Gripped by tired hands,/Mixing memories and regrets". This can also place more emphasis on the present continuous activity of this cup, never ending.

Final Thoughts
--If this is your first and most complex poem, then congratulations, because you have found a strong voice in this poem, one that should be followed up with other images, other themes. In other words: keep writing.
64
64
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Brilliant. Fun. Made me chuckle, and I thank you for that. Loved the rhythm and the carefree tone. Good attention to detail, and no detail unnecessary.

Only place I paused, a little confused: "The very first showing set the stage for 'who walks among us.' Upon entering, a spacious living room opens to a wall of glass. " The second sentence threw me off because you introduce the first person (and we've really been hoping to see what kind of weirdos these will be, but then the next sentence goes back to the room. It might help to rearrange these sentences a little, maybe with the "Upon entering..." as the last sentence of the paragraph?

Loved: "I heard the building is sinking."

Nicely comedic, yet, unfortunately, probably too accurate a description. Thank you. Thank you.
65
65
Review of My Condemnation  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Initial Reactions
--Why italicize "tower"? That was very distracting from the start.
--Around the time of the dog fight, I began to wonder who the narrator was, what their purpose was, and why I should continue reading. With no clear idea of what was going on, I lost interest in the battle because their seemed no point.
--I mean, I got the sense that there was some metaphoric journey towards love or lust, or the object of desire, but I wasn't sure how the images fell together into a coherent story: The narrator starts on his journey, he defeats a protector, another protector (?) appears but doesn't attack and seems to disappear without any apparent purpose, narrator reaches his goal only to be rejected and then...I'm not sure what happened at the end. Don't get me wrong: I like symbolism and being vague, but here it is difficult for me to follow, and that kept me from getting more into the poem.

Spelling or Grammar Concerns
--Capitalize Mars in second stanza
--"that spiked band around his neck," :: no comma


Suggestions
--"I also march towards my destination without hesitation" :: omit "without hesitation"

Final Thoughts
Maybe it was just me, but I couldn't get into this poem as much as I would've liked. The imagery and word-choice are great and grabbed my interest, but there imagery didn't coalesce enough to grab me by the throat and say "Pay attention!" Not a bad poem at all: just not a good reader for it, I feel.
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66
Review of Glass  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First Thoughts
--Loved the tone, word choice, and metaphor.
--Short, concise, and to good effect.
--The title is just one word, and, I have say, I agree with an old poetry teacher of mine: one-word titles may look cool, but rarely convey the idea the writer wishes.

Considerations
--Kiss each other goodnight, dear, :: (This line caused me to pause, go back, and read again, to make sure I hadn't missed something. I understood the effect intended (possibly), but found it awkward enough to stop my first reading. I don't know if you consider this a problem or not, but I thought I should let you know)

Favorite Parts
--sweet, silver dreams :: (loved the alliteration)
--the dogged/hammer shatters :: (even without being sure what you intend by "dogged hammer", I loved the sense of inevitable breaking this created.

Well done. Thank you for sharing this, and I would encourage you to search for a publisher for this poem. Good luck.
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Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
First Thoughts
This is a touching story, bound together by the recurrent images of mirrors, tied together by some good symbolism and imagery at the end. The single biggest problem with the story, as it is, is the number and severity of the grammatical mistakes throughout, often making it hard to follow the story.

General Suggestions
--Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to revise any sentence from the passively phrased sentence (typically, using the words "was" or "were") into the active voice. This story does not need passive voice: the imagery and characters are vibrant enough to keep our attention. For example: "Edsel had insisted there not be a single vehicle that was black" could just as easily be "Edsel had insisted on there being no black vehicles".
--Also, you need, desperately, to choose a tense to tell this story in: I suggest past tense. Halfway through the story, you start shifting between present and past tense, and it gets really confusing.
--Do not begin paragraphs with transition words: So, And, But, etc. It's redundant. The paragraph break speaks the transition for you.

[b}Specific Grammar Errors
Please note that I am pointing these out for you to understand and fix on your own. I will not be noting all of the mistakes you made.
--the morning sky, their :: the morning sky; their
--mirrored sides, doubled :: mirrored sides doubled
--his Cousin Johnny :: his cousin Johnny (do not capitalize family relationships)
--grand kids :: grandkids
--Architect :: architect
--with the cars insuring :: with the cars, insuring
--hand written :: hand-written
--and drawings Saying :: and drawings, saying
--the layout, I would :: the layout I would
--Joe a young man by comparison did :: Joe, a young man by comparison, did
--he want to seem weak, “Mr. Ford :: he want to seem weak. “Mr. Ford
--set-up these cars :: set up these cars
--Yes Sir, who :: Yes, sir. Who
--Joe was there he and his :: Joe was there. He and his
--perfectly and polished showing :: perfectly and polished, showing
--cigars, received from Henry :: cigars received from Henry
Okay, that gets me through page 2 (of 9, by my printing). From now on, just a few notes.

Other Issues
--"One of the young women took Joe aback" :: Your choice of "aback" makes a strange reading. It sounds like the young woman offended him somehow.
--"she felt herself safe to accept this brash Dutchman's advances" :: Why the sudden insight into her feelings. All the way up to this point, we've been locked into Joe's point of view.
--"One month and two weeks later, Jack stood" :: This was really confusing. There'd been a paragraph break, and suddenly this guy Jack (who've we only heard of once) is getting married. I had to go back and check the names to figure out what was going on.
--"The reception was in full swing, and Joes and Vi left for the honeymoon.":: This sounds as if they left in the middle of the reception. Is that the case?
--"Violet stays home" :: from this point on, the story shifts tenses crazily, making it very difficult to follow. I thought at first you might be trying for something experimental, but then I realized this wasn't the case.
--"When they let Joe in to see his bride and new daughter." :: Romantic notions aside, two years later is a bit odd, in narrative, to be calling someone a bridge.
--"I don't know why he hated me so," of course came the answer :: The way this is written, it is really confusing. I couldn't figure out why, of course, the father had hated Violet.
--"Her breathing labored; she worked to calm herself" :: First, replace the semicolon with a comma, and then figure out who she is, because she is not in the first clause. All there is is her breathing, which is not a she. I know this sounds like nit-picking, but you've made a pretty common mistake her (called a dangling modifier), with the second clause pointing at something that doesn't exist in the first clause.
--You capitalize many words that do not need it: aunt, uncle, cousin, angel.
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68
Review of Blossoms Maligned  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First Thoughts
--Love the title. Nicely poetic.
--A good sense of detail throughout, especially evocative of human relationships.
--Not my usual genre of reading, so it seemed a touch too melodramatic for me, but the touching portrayal of this couples' blossoming relationship, all-too-soon maligned, carried the story.
--A good story overall, clean, well-written, touching.

Awkward Moments
--There are two moments in the story when a lot of attention seems focused on how difficult it is to close doors. Because of this, I started reading for a metaphor related to difficult-to-close doors. Unable to find one, I felt let down. Unless this is some hint that the writer lived through the experience in this story, and is having trouble bringing closure to these events, it might be a good idea to alter one of these instances of focus on closing doors.
--Early in the story, there is a lot of focus on Sarah being a tomboy--it takes up most of the beginning of the story. But this idea is almost completely absent from the end of the story, and so seems irrelevant to the plot.

Suggestions
--Get rid of the foreshadowing: "A Christmas they would never see" (for example), is unnecessary. We will know that bittersweet truth by the end, or we will suspect it. Eliminate the foreshadowing, and it becomes a mystery at the end whether or not they lived--and that will be even more touching, I feel. Less is more in this story.
--BUT, more about the characters' relationship would build more tragedy into this story. Yest, it is sad that the flame of this new love is quickly snuffed, but we didn't have much time to get involved in it.
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Review of Fractal Phantasms  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Whimsical and with a little nose-thumbing fun thrown in: nicely imagined and well balanced. I liked it. It was easy to read and didn't get weighed down by unnecessary explanation or exposition. A fun story. Thank you for sharing your imagination.

A couple of things on the grammatical side: there are many mistakes with quotation marks, commas and tenses. Clean these up if you want.

One thing that came across as too whimsical, even far-fetched, was the police proposing Vodka as an explanation for hallucinations. When you said that, this story went from being amusing to being farcical, and I felt it lost some of its punch for that.

Still, a fun story well written. Thank you.
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Review of Just another pawn  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
General Feedback
Nicely done. I liked the rhythm which, whether you know it or not, hearkened back to Hank Williams Junior’s “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”. Okay, maybe not, but the themes are similar. The only thing holding this poem back are the grammar issues, which I’ve noted below. Otherwise, this is ready to stand alone. It’s a bit brief, though, and lacks thematic development, but as it is, it is effective enough to get the point across. Thank you for sharing.

Accuracy and Grammar Issues
-- The devil watched the young boy, trying to be a man. :: (remove the comma, or else this reads that the devil was trying to be a man by watching a young boy—and that’s creepy! I don’t know. Maybe that’s what you meant?)
-- The boy was weak, :: (no comma)
-- First he’d tempt that young man, see his woman is his rock. :: (very confusing, try:) “First he’d tempt that young man. See: his woman is his rock.”
-- His life would blur, (lose the comma)
-- I will sabotage that youngster; it will be easy, clean and quick : (need period at the end)
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71
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very well done. This is just the right length, and just the right amount of detail, to get the emotion and point across. Don't change a thing.

But....there is more story here. This seems like the opening to an exploration on the benefits of solitude. Something, I don't know, about 3000 words in length. It's there, maybe. Up to you.

I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you. If you have any specific questions, please let me know.
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72
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is nice, and the rhyme is playful and keeps us reading. The first stanza is stronger, more focused with clearer images and metaphors of the moon. The second stanza is less focused, with the images not necessarily lending themselves towards readings of the sun so much as a nice brother; and that is okay, but it could be strengthened. Thank you for sharing this. Good luck with the poetry.
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Review of Why?  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Well, to be honest, I am confused about the purpose of your writing: are you trying to explain why you are a Christian, or are you trying to discount other peoples' beliefs? It seems more the latter given the phrasing of some of your statements.

I am all for professions of faith. And I read a great deal of Christian writings. However, you have fallen into a couple of traps which will alienate any audience that doesn't already completely agree with you. Maybe that is okay, but I think you should aim to sound reasonable at all times. I have noted those traps below, with explanations.

--Am I a narrow minded bigot :: opening this way tells your audience that you just don't care about their opinion, because you have already assumed a hostile audience. And believing that Jesus is the only way to reach God does not make one a bigot: demanding that your way is the only right way, and that others follow your way does lead people to claim bigotry.
--is all that is need. :: is all that is needed.
--Believing in God as the "beginning" is more logical than any of the alternatives. :: no it isn't. You are not talking about logic. The way you have phrased this after the preceding paragraphs doesn't refer to logic: it refers to meaning, which is a human thing. Yes, believing in God is more meaningful, but certainly not more logical. Faith and logic have nothing to do with one another. Faith is the belief in something without proof. Logic is something else entirely. Also, the way you have phrased these paragraphs is very dismissive.
--More technically, Wikipedia tells us :: Wikipedia is made by amateurs, though it is quite often a good source of information. It should not be referenced if you want to sound authoritative, certainly not if you want to sound "technical".
--But of course, who seriously actually believes that Jesus was somehow God as well as a man? Nonsense. Well, to our human minds - yes. Nonsense. :: This is bad. Sorry. You bring up the argument and then cast it aside. I am in the middle of reading St. Augustine's "City of God," and he deals with this question by explaining the Trinity, whereas you just ignore the issue entirely by saying "God is God, so there." I recommend reading the best Christian thinker: St. Augustine.
--proven historicity of the Bible :: you snuck that in at the end without dealing with it. A major claim: the proven historicity of the Bible. Where's the proof? You could, if you wanted to strengthen this writing, reference a few sources proving such a claim, otherwise you open yourself to huge criticism by making an unsupported claim. Again, I refer your to St. Augustine: he spends a whole chapter detailing and referencing the historical "truths" of the miracles detailed in the Bible. Of course, he didn't have an archaeological evidence to back up his claims; but you might.

There are a few typos and grammatical errors, but I will leave you to sort them out. Hope the feedback helps. This is an ambitious start to what could become a very strong statement of belief. Good luck with it.
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Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
Nice work. Confused emotions and denial find their place in this poem and you express them with honesty and clarity. Well done. You do use commas at the end of every line, even when they are not needed, and that might be something to look into when rewriting this. There are no serious errors distracting the reader. This is a solid poem. Well done.

Interesting effect, though I'm not sure you meant it: the lack of periods makes this all one big, run-on sentence, and I felt rather breathless (figuratively) by the time I reached the line "When I try to breathe/I can't find the air". Interesting to think about.

One thing I didn't like was the two short, rhyming lines at the beginnings of the stanzas: sounds a bit too playful, really, given the topic.

Thank you for sharing. This shows great promise. Keep up the efforts.
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75
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well done. Was sure at first whether I was reading poetry or lyrics (later I decided it was lyrics), but that wasn't a problem. The poem reads well and is enjoyable.

I particularly liked the use of unanswered questions in a poem about the ends of life. In leaving the questions unanswered, the end is not (yet) reached, and so the lines reflect the narrator's own life in a quite effective way, prompting the readers to ask themselves the same questions. Nicely done. That the poem is guide by a central, unanswered question (how did I get here?) only highlights and emphasizes the underlying uncertainty of life, and the very human importance of asking such questions.

There were a couple of places that tripped me up and distracted me from reading, detailed below.

Concerns
--In the first stanza, every line ends with a question mark, even when the sentence is not actually finished. But in the subsequent stanzas you end some lines without a question mark, e.g., "Did I have a long exciting journey?/With awe inspiring events at every turn?/Did I have to drag myself through the mire?/To then endure a very bumpy ride?" These two sentences do form four weak questions, but I am was distracted by the seeming unnecessary/overuse of the question mark.
--Did I choose the path I took was it planned? :: A run-on sentence. Maybe use a semicolon after "took"?
--Was I aware I traveled, did I want to strive :: Two separate ideas. Use question mark after "traveled". I think this won't ruin the line, and the question mark mid-line might parallel the asking of questions midway through life.

Parts I Really Liked
--Was my ticket with tears or laughter bought?
--Or did I not even travel at all/Because I was in fact already here?

Thank you for sharing this. Good luck with the poetry and songs (and short stories). Wishing you the best in your journey. Glad that you, at least, are asking the right questions.
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