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Review of Running  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nicely done. Solid. The Thing could be read as a metaphor for life/death, or just read for enjoyment. Good attention to detail. My only suggestion would be to somehow cut the wording down even further by getting rid of the prepositions and prepositional phrases whenever possible--succinct, however, may not be better. The way you have phrased it now reads well. Good writing. Keep it up. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Love  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Yes, it's emo. yes, it's a bit dark, but only at the end. Not so dark, really.

Anyway, this is a solid start. There are some grammatical and line concerns to deal with, if you want:

--another everyday :: another every day
--If only to give you a better view of those lights you so love. :: break this line after "view" to allow an end rhyme with "you" (if you want to, but you don't have to, I just think it would read/sound better).
--site of you :: "site" is a place. "sight" has to do with seeing
--I hope to see you in the next life, I’ll be waiting. :: use a period or a semi-colon, not a comma.

Not bad. It is short, clear and full of strong ideas. Work with it. Don't let my criticism (or anyone's) deter you from spending more time with this. The core is there. You just need to chip away and reshape what's around it. Thanks for sharing.
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Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a story about being on the edge of addiction, about the difficulty of knowing whether you are believing your own lies or not.

The fortuitous meeting of an old friend, which you cast as angelic intervention, causes the narrator to realize she is close to crossing the line and slipping into old patterns of self-delusion. You handle this thematic well, though I would like to have seen the struggle for realization come at a little higher of a price: the realization comes too quick in this case. There seems to be no cost to the narrator: she meets an old friend, now homeless, and that's all she has to do. It doesn't seem like the "two by four" because the meeting is so quiet, and Donnie so gracious, that there doesn't seem any trigger for self-evaluation.

I also felt that there may have been too much exposition on the nature of addiction. I think you could get the same ideas across by describing these traits in terms of the narrator's past life (or even present life, if you really wanted to show her on the edge of returning to addiction). "Show, don't tell," is a truism in writing, but I think in the case of this story, showing addiction may be more powerful than telling us about it.

This is a solid story, and all the elements are there to make it an engrossing read. Aside from what I said about, some paragraph that run together, and some distracting phrases (noted below), this is a good story. It just needs a little work. Thank you for sharing, and good luck with it.

b}Some Unusual Phrases{/b}
--magical wand in charge :: magical wand in hand?
--Venus fly plant :: Venus Fly Trap?
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79
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
A nice bit of encouragement. Thank you for sharing. These message is clear and you present the ideas well enough to keep us reading. Good luck with the blog. I've noted some grammar or typo things below. Hope they help.

--Adventures consisting of going to the beach, and mistaking the neighbor for a burglar. :: This is a sentence fragment. You should join it with the preceding sentence by using a comma instead of a period, unless, for some reason I'm not seeing, you wish to place really strong emphasis on this part of the story.
--that failing is a part of growing, I didn’t have enough courage to fail :: insert "and" after comma.
--But soon enough it were :: it was OR they were
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80
Review of See a penny...  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
A little bit of whimsy I happened upon, and it didn't fail to keep me interested until the end. I didn't get a surprise at the end, though, and nothing seemed to happen, so that was kind of a let down, but the story itself works as is--or it could be the beginning of a larger story involving this woman, and you could consider this bit about pennies as an introduction to the story, letting the reader's know about this interesting quirk of the character's personality.

Parts I Really Liked
--The cat survived and so did she, going about her business seemingly no more or less lucky than before (loved the almost poetic rhyme in this line)
--following her own winking, blinking trail of hope.

Points of Concern
--dropped and abandoned pennies :: redundant. if they are dropped then they are abandoned unless the person who dropped it is reaching down for it as the character sees them.
--She has often stepped on cracks and never broken her back. :: I thought it was "Step on a crack, break your mother's back"?
--She has walked under many a ladder with no apparent ill effect :: awkward phrasing.
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81
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (5.0)
Powerful. Lovely. You built this so well on images and memories, and the tension just builds right up to the final line, which just hits us in the gut and says, "This is life." Very nicely done. There are some odd paragraph breaks, but I think this must be the site's formatting. If at all possible, fix the paragraph breaks, because they are distracting.

The title worries me a little. It sounds like the name of a child, Serendipity. Or it sounds slightly pretentious. Anyway, it doesn't really clue us into the content of the story which, by the end, doesn't seem to have much to do with serendipity (happy accident) as with horrific memory and realization.

Parts I Really Liked
--With the quilt under me, filled with memories of sad and passionate tears, dreams and ideas flow like a stream of cool water.
--A place where you could shoot a black and white horror movie and the only color would be red.
--the necrotic tissue (don't know why I love this phrase, it is so horrifying).


Concerns
--preying eyes :: I think you mean "prying" eyes.
--thrill tender skin sending exciting :: Nice alliteration, but I think you need a comma between skin and sending to keep this clear
--They picked the delectable apples and proudly took them home. :: when I read this, I couldn't help but think of the biblical "tree of knowledge". An unavoidable allusion, I think, so you might want to think about how to deal with it: include it as a theme, or ignore it?
--does "it's" convey possession or contraction? I can't remember.


Again: this is a great story. I like the dark elements preceded by the light ones. Such a nice balance and contrast. You play with images very well. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Gun Man  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Pretty good. Well written and tight. The story never strays from its voice or theme, and you keep the reader's interest right up to the end. I liked the attention to detail about DNA and fingerprints (nicely handled in such a short story).

My one major criticism is not really a criticism but perhaps a suggestion.

The narrative is focused mostly on them speaking. The narrative portrays this guy as a cold killer, and it does it well. So, I felt distracted, even bothered, by the careful description of the violence in the second-to-last paragraph. Detailing his escape opens the story to people saying, "Well, the agents could've done this," or "They wouldn't have done that," or, worse, "That isn't possible!"

I would've liked to have seen the cops walk in, start talking, and then silence, followed by the killer walking out and then blood seeping out from under the door. That would preserve the element of mystery about this guy, and then leave you ready to put him into a much larger story. This guy seems to belong in a larger story, because, frankly, this short bit of philosophy (?) isn't satisfying enough. We want to see this guy out doing what he seems built to do.

That said, let me say again you did well with this. Thanks for sharing.

General Suggestions
--Do away with do-nothing words such as "were" whenever possible. There's usually a better, more descriptive verb that can be used to create more of an impression on the reader's mind.

Specific Points
--twelve by twelve :: twelve-by-twelve
--him, and continued :: technically, this comma is correct (I think), but it seems unnecessary and stalls the line
--ignoring Johns still :: still ignoring John (otherwise it sounds awkward)
--so can you please cooperate :: ("please"? sounds totally out of character, unless he's being sarcastic, which doesn't come through)
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83
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting narrator, possibly with some form of autism--however, he seems too unsure of key things to be believable. I'd cut out the "I guess" whenever possible. This would add a certain strength to his/her strangeness.

I loved the imagery and the perhaps unintentional "slice of life" notion. Nice.

Specific Concerns
--a tiny birds head :: a tiny bird's head
--"on my doorstep" :: use an active verb here for contrast to the dead object (might be fun)
--I'm good with figures or something :: this "or something" weakens the narrator.
--absolutely lifeless :: Well, yeah! Unnecessary detail.
--I wondered in astonishment :: just "I wondered" will be enough. "In astonishment" makes me think of wide-eyed and that doesn't fit the narrator.

All in all, well done. Nice tone and loved the subject.
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Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good. A nice turn on the usual sense of hope. I like the way the speaker is addressing hope, accusing it, demanding it atone for what it has done to harm the speaker. Nice thematic. The short lines add tension to the voice. There are a few specific concerns I have, but in general, I think this poem is well done and interesting. Thank you for sharing it.

Concerns
--Where are you hope :: Where are you, hope (otherwise this line reads as a run-on; or, you could capitalize hope to read as a name and the thing addressed)
--I have missed you so- :: I have missed you so-- (double-em dash to signal a change of direction)
--In the dark abyssmal valley :: (up to this point you hadn't gone over the line of Gothic into too-Gothic, but this double-down, depressive adjective (dark abysmal) pushes it over the line, and it is not necessary: abysmal, by itself, is enough)
--If self-resentment :: (do you mean "In self-resentment?)
-- of your malice :: (I was liking the way you portrayed Hope as this false sense of security and happiness; however, now that you've added malice to the mix, portraying Hope as actively seeking to harm us, I'm not sure of the image. I would prefer to see the previous Hope: seemingly benign but a trap).
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85
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting challenge: a story in 55 words. Considering the constraints, this is a well realized glimmer into a life. I have only one criticism or suggestion: "She could have had the pick of husbands". I think you mean "She could have had the pick of any husband"--this would indicate a range of choices foregone. Other than that, well done. Was this for a contest? If so, which one? I might like to try it.
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Review of The World Goes On  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nicely done in such a short space. Lots of mood here, and good use of setting. I have a few suggestions which you can ignore if you like:

--Wait – no – not her Brian anymore. :: Maybe omit the "no". That would strengthen the line and make her sound more resolute. The rest of the paragraph is about him not being there, so the "no" is not necessary.

--Kelly was brought back to the present by the sound of her cell phone. :: Rewrite into active voice to reflect the active bringing back to present: "The sound of her cell phone brought her back to the present."

--She just wanted Brian. :: I feel this is overstatement. The story doesn't need it. We can infer this idea from the story.

--As she closed the door behind her she felt the corners of her mouth turn up in the faintest trace of a smile. :: This comes as a little bit of a surprise, a little sudden in her mood change. A little more explication of why she feels this way might help, but that's your choice.

Other than that, nicely done. Good luck with the contest.
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Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nicely laid out--clear, informative, and interesting. I learned a few things I hadn't thought of. To answer your question: yes, I learned something today by reading this. I used to get quite a few hoaxes in the form of "so-and-so has died and left you a lot of money" or "we need someone with your unique qualifications to ship money overseas for us..."

The part about stopping junk-mail: I think there really is no way to stop it, shy of changing your address, but the precautions you've listed here certainly seem adequate.

I really don't have any suggestions, unfortunately. This is well-written and information. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Unfinished  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Some good rhythms and word choice here. The poem is not finished, as you said, and needs some editing. I commented mostly on the choice of images and the role of the writer and reader here, so please take my comments in that way. You've got a good start here. Good luck with the poem.

--acceptance was all they needed, unfortunetly. :: the rhythm of this line is one of awkward stumbling, and as such doesn't fit the scene.
--Two empty hearts :: this image made me pause: why "empty"? Why were these people so bad that their hearts were empty? Gives a sense that they were not really human. And how can empty hearts beat?

Having reached the final line, I go back and puzzle over the first line: Silent reverberations hit the wall of grey. Not sure what is meant by this, but the image doesn't coalese with the final image of heavenly gates. Are the two in limbo or something? The first line is sufficiently ambiguous to deny the reader any clear sense of where the characters are or what they are doing, and this I found unnecessarily vague. I would, for a poem like this, prefer something clearer, more concrete, to start with.

Also, it is unclear which person needed Christ (and you should capitalize this word because it is a title): "His realizations were all but too late" hints that she (?) needed Christ, accepted him as savior, and that he didn't until it was too late--but to reach this point in understanding takes a lot of work on the reader's part, and I felt a bit ripped off having to guess.
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Review of Harukaze  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Spring wind, flowing fast;
"Sensual" stumbles, almost falls;
Last line: melody.

The second line has too much of a down sound with all seven syllables packed into a mere three words. Or, perhaps, it's just me. The first and third lines have a great rhythm and sound, so that second line catches me up. You definitely have the sense here for the haiku: images and senses that don't readily go together yet fit a larger whole. Well done.
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Review of The Rose  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is good. Great rhythm, matching the setting and the tone quite nicely.

My only catch was the "uncertain causes": the doctors wrote "failure of the heart" so, officially, there were no uncertain causes. The "uncertain causes" you write of would only be in the doctor's head.

Also, I am not sure "parts" needs quotation marks. Seems a bit childish. Maybe we can guess which part is missing? Do you want us to possibly guess wrong? I think it's better to let us guess.

That number four got away, without any explanation as to why, leaves the tale incomplete, and I really wished there was some clue given as to how this one, alone among the four, got away. Did her know "The Rose" personally, somehow? Did he find a trick? Did he show remorse? Why? I, as a reader, would like some hint. If not, then the story doesn't close.

Otherwise, I would say this is good. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of The Photograph  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good start on a great scene of a larger story, I think--you may feel otherwise. I don't read this as a story in itself, but a very strong entry into this character's mind. Needs more development, but is a solid start. Thank you for sharing.

Likes
--I liked the use of the pictures and wood and plastic to give a sense of passing time and the changes in that time. This piece is concise, and those metaphors help develop the ideas.

Concerns
--This piece is too concise--sorry. You should expand it. We need to see inside this guy's head and life more. There's so much there to deal with, so much more than can be conveyed in a mere 900 words.
--"making custom furniture" :: "custom" is unnecessary, I think. Sounded pretentious.
--This just doesn't make sense, though you try to clarify it later: "How could he know how important that original misshapen frame was to me? I'm sure I told him at least a hundred times". If he told him a hundred times, then either he or the son is really, really, really, really dense.
--"Dadblasted!" :: no, no, no! I was going to let the "nigh on" slip, but this bit of stereotypical "old guy" talk is too much. Kill it.
--"wannabe dresser" :: so we go from crusty old guy speak to this? What old guy says "wannabe"? You'll need to iron out this guy's voice.
--"the next generation picture" :: what is this? Some kind of new picture technology? Or did you mean "the next generation's picture"? If so, you'll need to clarify, because even that doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
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Review of Inbox  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice tone. Dark, brooding. Good use of italics to reflect internal conflict. Far too short, though. Need more development, especially of the story. The character is doing well here. Just needs more room to stretch out in. You've got the start of a good story about a relationship here, and the unspoken things that make one. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with the writing.

--my past and, :: why "and"?

A little worried about the juxtaposition of "unforgivable" with the hope that this woman could forgive him.
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Review of War/Fun?  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I liked the framing device: the man in war remembering war as a childhood game. This provides a somber, bittersweet note to the lines.

The poem itself is good, though I think it would benefit from some serious revision, especially in terms of rhyme scheme:

Rhyme Scheme
Note: "as the day began" and "That covered the land" set up a near-rhyme that sounds too playful and out of sync with the first stanza which had no such rhyme scheme. As I read on, I saw another such near-rhyme in the third stanza, and then a full rhyme, following the same scheme, in the subsequent stanzas, only to disappears with "come" and "home" which do not rhyme at all.

I'm always encouraging poets to include punctuation because I find it much clearer, more beautiful, and, if used correctly, powerful, so don't be discouraged if I offer you the same advice. Adding a few periods would not harm this poem in any way.

As I said, this is a good start. The core and idea is solid. Good luck with it. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of My Paper Heart  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very well done. Intriguing and engaging. Fun to read, as well. Your description said to me you were worried about rhyming, but don't worry: this alliteration adds spice to the work, not distraction. (Well, except for this awkward line: {"heart and hope hesitate, then dwindle to the height of a midget").

I liked the figure of the paper and its love of words, and the way it experiences the writing. Very imaginative.

Suggestions
I am not sure that prose form is the best for this. It might be better broken up into lines like poetry, but not end-rhyme poetry. Internal-line rhymes would keep this playful and amusing, yet preserve that serious center.

Accuracy Clarity Issues
--Scattered, is she :: Scattered is she,
--She can, oh, how she plans! :: She can...oh, how she plans!
--she could have sworn, the fingers :: she could have sworn the fingers
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Review of As the River Goes  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very well done. This reads well, is clear, and has a nice image running through it (no pun intended). My only criticism of it is that there is too much explanation and not enough imagery or metaphor--factors I always look for in poetry, which add a bit of mystery and humanity to a piece. The opening two lines of this poem are perfect, and the final image wonderful. Consider if it would be possible to explain less in the middle and continue with the water imagery. At any rate, this is well done. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with it.

Favorite Bits
--As the river goes / Friendship stays. This line got my attention immediately. It is puzzling but intriguing, making me want to read more to understand.

Suggestions
Not many. Because this is such a short piece, I found have all the lines together like this made me read it too quickly. That's okay, I think, but in terms of slowing things down and savoring the lines, why not break things up a bit? Possibly divide it into two-line stanzas with the final line by itself?
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Review of Obsidian  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting idea. I checked out your bio page, and some of the typos and such make more sense now. No worries. You can get those in time. Right now what you need to do is refine this idea. The concept is cool (I would urge you to check our Terry Pratchett's "Small Gods" for a similar, though humorous, take on the same idea), but the thought processes of this god are a bit annoying.

I like the idea of a forgetful god. It's just that following this one's absentmindedness so closely is frustratingly slow. We read to see what's going to happen next (usually). We can't tell when "next" is going to happen with this being. So give some serious consideration to what is absolutely essential to tell us about this god, and get rid of everything else.

We'll need to see more of this story in order to get involved in the storyline. The hook is there. Now we need some character development.

Good work. Let me know if you have any questions or add any more to the story.
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Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Great vocabulary use and fine rhythm. I always like poems about break up. This one is well-written in many ways, but in general suffers from an ending that tends towards religious connotations that don't fit the rest of the theme, and an overuse (perhaps) of adjectives. All-in-all, well-done. Just needs a little refinement and simplification. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

Accuracy or Clarity Issues
--Aggravatingly blissful :: Aggravating, blissful, in ...
--Of love, passion and fervent desire. :: Of love, passion, and desire.
--You splintered my hopeful dreams of tomorrow :: You splintered my hopeful dreams of tomorrow. (period)
--But still, my love :: But still my love

Suggestions
--Eternal affliction for my incessant sorrow.
Your blasphemous lips shall be smothered :: There are a few too many adjectives weighing down these lines, adding a sense of melodrama that I thought was distracting. In particular, "blasphemous" just didn't seem to fit. It connotes religion, and came as a surprise. Also, you should put a period after "smothered". Furthermore, getting rid of "hopeful" wouldn't hurt, I think.
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Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

I am reviewing this because the premise caught my eye, and I liked the vocabulary choice and storyline.

Rating Explained
Hook: 4
Plot: 3.5
Clarity: 2
Accuracy: 1.5

General Impressions and Suggestions
There are many signs of an early writer here: confusing sentences, poor word-choice, overuse of adverbs, and many typos. Not to worry, though, because the story idea is solid enough to survive some much-needed revision and editing. I will not point out every error--there are simply too many, and I have other things to work on. But I did read the story, and think Yung is a good character, the plot is engaging, and the super soldiers perhaps too reminiscent of The Terminator and The Hulk.

The vocabulary and diction shown here leads me to think you read a good deal. If that is true, I applaud you, and urge you to continue to do so. A principal weakness of this piece, however, is the overuse of "dazzling" word usage: many words together that grab attention in their difficultly, but nonetheless fail to convey a clear or precise idea. Instead of showing, they turn the reader's eye away.

My advice is this: simplify and choose your words carefully. If you've got a sentence that has more than two clauses (parts of a sentence set off by commas), check to make sure it is clear and that it contains just one complete idea; if not, break it up into smaller sentences.

Pacing
The intro and the body move at disjointedly different paces. The intro is a fast, spare overview of events. The body is very detailed and slow-moving. I would encourage you to slow down the intro a bit by adding more detail (if possible). Don't try to speed up the body--the level of detail here is just right, I feel, for the scene and sense you are trying to convey.

Specific Examples
--they looked like monsters, husks of their former selfs :: husk is like a shell, implying withering, but you've described them as huge, hulking monsters. The two images cannot come together. And "selfs" should be "selves".

The night is peaceful; though peaceful the past carnage of what had taken place was still clear :: Very awkward. You could say the same thing in one sentence, and without the improperly used semicolon. Try: "Though the night is peaceful, the carnage of what had taken place (is/was???) clear."

slowly broken; four people slowly :: kill as many of the adverbs (-ly) as you can, and avoid unnecessary word repetition. You use "slowly" way too many times in this story. Consult a thesaurus if unsure.

All four of them were dressed in full black, their faces covered by balaclavas and their eyes covered by clear goggles, one of them :: comma splice. Use period after goggles. You have many such comma splices, and you'll have to go through and find them all. Your comma splices look to be the result of trying to write like a normal person speaks in conversation--and this is almost always a mistake.

only unless :: never, never, never say this.

He said in a blind panic confused :: which is he? blind, panicked, or confused? Don't pile up the adjectives like this. I know what you mean--anyone reading this will know what you mean--BUT your job, as the writer of such a story, is to make things as clear as possible, so that the reader can just sit back, relax, and let the story play out in their mind's eye. To do that, you have to make the sentences as clear and simple as possible. The real trick (and the real annoying thing) is that you have to keep it clear AND engaging. Focus on that goal when you rewrite this.

the voice made it clear it was a woman :: a last note: "the voice made it clear" refers to implication. You are saying here that someone spoke, their tone of voice somehow implying there was a woman waiting in the other room, for example.

it was worth a man’s last breathe to mention :: no, my bad. This is the last note: "last breath" and "mention" refer to the act of speaking. This scientist didn't speak at all. He gestured. Be precise in your word choice, and this story will come alive.

Last Words
As I said, I chose to review this because it caught my eye. In this age of electronic texts and shortened attention spans, that is a compliment; use that. Your title and intro are good at convincing a reader to dip their toe in. Now use your voice, word choice, plot and character to convince the reader to jump in, fully clothes, and emerge themselves in your world. You've a good start here. Revise, please. Thank you for sharing this, and good luck.
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Review of Dear Me...  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations on winning, and it is deserved. This is really nice, well-developed, clear, and with some good, eye-catching imagery and lines to keep it interesting throughout. Your goals are very clear. I especially liked how you said you would take the goal of writing with more detail and used it to observe, and thus not distance yourself from, you family. Very cool and commendable. Thank you for writing this, and I wish you the best of luck in reaching your goals this year.
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Review of Gone  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Alright (note spelling), this is a pretty good scene/scenario. You set the tone nicely, and paint the setting well as the main characters moves and speaks. It is quite believable right up until the end that the wife is actually missing, so the ending does surprise a little. I would recommend getting rid of the picture, though: too much of a giveaway and too stereotypical. Also, portraying this man as totally disinterested in the kitchen is stereotypical; give him some quirk instead, to fix him inside our head.

There are a lot of stylistic and grammatical errors that weaken the read. I've noted the major ones (in my opinion) below.

--5th :: (A little thing, but: spell out numbers smaller than fifteen to give a cleaner look to your text; some stories get away with lots of numbers, but in this story it adds nothing to the tension and plot.)
--tv :: (Capitalize: TV)
--but I barely even looked away from the tv long enough to acknowledge her :: (wordy, doesn't sound natural: most people don't use the word "acknowledge" in conversation. Maybe "look at her," "nod," "wave/say goodbye" would be better).
--When John was finished :: (You tend to use "start" and "finish" a lot. Let me encourage you to limit use of these unnecessary words, especially in this case. "When John finished" is more concise, to the point, and creates a stronger impression).
--When John was finished :: (Another stylistic problem: limit use of passive voice whenever possible. Here, we know it was the officer who gave John the card. Just say so; otherwise, it deadens the sentence and adds unnecessary words).
--stepped down the final step :: (repetitious)
--her body a mangled mess from being carelessly stuffed inside :: (Wordy. Try: "her mangled body stuffed inside")

A strong start. Good luck with the contest. Consider expanding this story in the future to include more of the back story and subsequent events.
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