*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chomonkyo/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
465 Public Reviews Given
514 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 ... Next
101
101
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Pretty cool imagery and metaphor. The rhythm is there, and it does drive home the images. There are quite a few grammatical and accuracy issues to deal with, though, which I've noted below. Fix these problems, put the piece away for a week or two, come back to it and revise it, revise it, revise it until you are sick to death of it. Let me know when you've done that, and I'll come back and read it again if you'd like. Thanks for sharing this, and good luck with the revision.

Grammar Issues:
--no need four him :: no need for him
--he never going to get pick :: (unnecessarily colloquial: try "picked")
--No need four him to live :: (ARGH, again?? unless I am missing the significance of "four"...)
--No change to scream :: no chance to scream
--Her eye :: (is she a cyclops?)
--was map out :: (really strange grammar: did you mean "mapped out"?)
-- i think your killing me :: I think you're killing me

Confusing:
--She focus on my eyes / And now realized my life ain't worth shit :: who is realizing this? the speaker or the woman? If it's the woman, then it seem redundant, given her previous words. If it's the speaker, then you need to clarify this.
102
102
Review of Dreaming of Annah  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
I had to laugh at the final line. Been there. My advice: walk away. It's safer than driving and screaming away.

This is a pretty cool, concise lyric. I would prefer it was part of a larger song--perhaps a refrain or chorus?

One bit of confusion: "A face in the mirror / both knowing I couldn't stay". Not sure who the two faces are, and the way you've written it, there seems to be only one face: the face in the mirror. Are they the real face and the face in the mirror, or the faces of the two people? Yes, I know it seems like splitting hairs, but to improve the line, you might have to fix that somehow, make it easily apparent who knows you couldn't stay.

Anyway, nicely laid out and the lyric gives a strong impression as it builds on repetition towards the close. Keep up the good work.

103
103
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
A nice poem to provide a friend with encouragement. I don't have a lot to suggest. You've chosen your words well, and the sentiment is strong. Since you don't use punctuation in a consistent manner, I cannot suggest any fixes for grammar or readability. My only thing is this: My French isn't the best, but I thought pierrot was French for clown? You've written it here as the proper name of some famous clown. Is that correct?
104
104
Review of Love, real Love  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
Overall Impressions:
--Obviously, with this poem, you're going to run up right against the fact that Shakespeare already said this: "Love is a rose," and the simile has become part of our everyday language. As a result, when we approach a poem about love and roses we are hoping to encounter some new twist to the old idea. You will have to answer for yourself whether you've provided that or not: you hint at it with the line "those brave enough to suffer them...are heartbroken if the rose dies out."
--I like the idea of holes being left by the thorns--this idea of a gaping wound that heals over time is catchy, though not so pretty (which is why I like it).
--This is a pretty fair stab at a poem you've been playing around with (as you said). Step back and decide what the reader will walk away with: what can you give the reader to make them remember this poem? That's the key, and that you will have to answer for yourself. Good luck. Good start.

Grammar and Accuracy Issues:
--them, for companionship :: them for companionship
--But times heals: But time heals
--mistake again :: mistake again. (period at end, because you used punctuation throughout)
105
105
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Overall impression:
=It's a nice, tight little poem. The image and sentiment work well together, and you end the poem well on that image. Nicely done.

Some Suggestions:
=To please you and to keep you :: maybe you could reduce the repetition of "you" by saying: "To please and keep you". Not sure if that will hurt the rhythm in your head, though.
=As the center and love of my life. :: try colon ( : ) instead of a period at the end of this line.


106
106
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Beautiful imagery coupled with blank verse and too many typing errors does sound a bit lazy. The imagery is wonderful, and I see the ideas there--difficult to get the ideas to work together in my mind, as I get an image of a person with snow filling their eyes, which seems painful and crazy, and as a result is difficult for me to get into. That's cool, but for me off-putting.

Still, I think this is a good poem. It needs some editing. I would suggest putting it aside for a while and revisiting it later, to see it through different eyes.
107
107
Review of Beauty  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
A nice use of language, and the word choice is excellent. The mood is dark and tense, underlining the beautify therein. This is done well. What I am missing, however, is the link between the wolf and the artist, which is implied.

I took the line "Wolven fur brushing against rosebushes" as a metaphor and a parallel to the painter's brush moving against the canvas. I think there is a lot that could be done with this, if you wished.

"An artist, lost in the melody of her own voice," led me to think, at first, the artist was a musician of some type--not a painter. When I realize they are a painter, then the image becomes a little strange, because I've never really known a painter to sing that much while working. If the "voice" her is metaphorical for the painter's vision or message, then it is an unusual simile, one that you would have to establish more strongly.

"Lunar skin framed by obsidian" : this was simultaneously striking and confusing. I loved the words and image, but found it hard to envision. Also, given the association of wolves with night and moon, I had to assume "lunar skin" meant "wolf's skin", which then made it very hard to understand "framed by obsidian," unless obsidian is an image for night, and then I had to assume the painter was painting a wolf against a night sky. This is a pretty cool play of images, but you might need to make the initial image more clear for the reader as to what it references.

"Like Polyhymnia in mortal form, / The beauty of her paintings surpassed only by her own." : This is the most important, and unfortunately most off-putting, part of the poem. Up to this point, the entire poem has been focused almost exclusively on the wolf, but you end the poem without a mention of the wolf. The reader's attention is distracted by an obscure reference (Polyhymnia) and then away from the painting to the physical beauty of the painter--who we don't even see. This is not a good way to end the poem, I think. It's a nice description, but it shouldn't be at the end of the poem. You started this poem with the wolf; end it with the wolf.

108
108
Review of Sandman Waits  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
A fun poem, and a nice twist on the usual story. At first I read it thinking perhaps it was a take on Neil Gaiman's Sandman; I would recommend it if you haven't already read.

I liked the playful rhythm juxtaposed with sinister overtones. This worked well all the way, except for one line where the playfulness faltered, which I've noted below.

--When dawn breaks. :: Sandman comes in the morning?? That's a strange idea, but I left it to keep reading, but I still couldn't understand it by the end of the poem.
--Because you’re good meat. :: this line falls dead; the rhythm is wrong: not playful, not so song.
109
109
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Cheers! I like the rant (well-typed, too). Like the Nietzsche. I forget who said it first, but there is definitely merit to the ideas of irrationality: your body's first reaction to danger is panic, so why do we say panic is always bad? We need to recognize all our emotions and instincts for what they are, not ignore. them. I wrote something related to this train of though, and I think you might enjoy or find it interesting, please check it out:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1623464 by Not Available.
(not hyping myself, just recognizing a similar line of concern, and fellow admirer of Nietzsche).
110
110
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
In general, a solid essay. Some structural and grammar problems, but nothing too severe. Be sure to revise this before handing it in.


A Few Accuracy Issues (you can look for the rest):
--slacking :: is this actually a word that can be applied to a system? I understand it applied to a person...
--important thing, education :: important thing: education
--under paid :: under-paid
--multiple years :: lazy word choice. be specific. most teachers spend two to four years obtaining teaching certificates and degrees. be specific whenever possible

Content:
--Also teachers are some of the smartest people I know, so they should be paid accordingly :: Huge brownie points (no insult intended)! As a teacher, I applaud your taste, but would like to caution you: American's are notorious the world over for not valuing the teaching profession. There are many domestic reasons for that (particularly the tendency of educators towards left-leaning politics), but suffice to say I don't think teachers are going to get paid more in America anytime soon. That's one reason I left the States.
--As for students needing to be pushed more, I totally agree with you. The problem is that many teachers are evaluated on how many students receive high grades, and how popular the teachers are with the students. Often, these matters conflict with pushing students harder. It's nice of you to recognize the need to be pushed, but most people just don't feel that way. Most parents, too, want to see their kids getting A's, and if they don't, parents may start to pressure schools in ways that ensure future easing of standards. Just my observations. When I was a university teacher, I had many students who'd actually NEVER read a book cover to cover. That was scary.
--Critical thinking: Man, this hit home. Like I said, I used to be a university writing teacher, and the first English class all students were required to take was focused on developing critical thinking skills, because students had pretty low ability in that. However, I have been teaching in Japan for about 10 years now, and compared to Japanese students, in general, American high school students do have a lot of critical thinking skills. In Japan it really is just rote memorization, all geared towards taking university entrance exams. Most parents here envy the American system for developing critical thinking skills. Just so you know (it doesn't mean America is doing enough, though).
111
111
Review of The tide came in  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the tone, and the non-traditional lines. I like the ambiguity and the imagery.

A little confusing tense shift between line 2 and 3: future to past. I tried to resolve it. Couldn't easily, and not sure I resolved it the way you intended.

"with the last and but one" :: very ambiguous. Not sure if this referred to tide, footprints, or, strangely, sand.

Lose the commas in lines 5 and 6, or use them correctly.

"Backward glances, reveal footsteps" :: kill the comma. It can't go here. (Unless you want it to, but then it's distracting)

What is a footstep of circles? Circle is plural; footstep is singular. Circle of footsteps I understand. Circle of a footstep I get. I even understand a circle of a footstep.

Nice, haunting ending. Thank you for sharing. Good luck with this. Please revise.
112
112
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a good story, with great characters and setting. The biggest problem with it is the diction levels: you go from high to low diction quite often, sometimes within the same paragraph, and that's a little unsettling. Also, by using so much high-level diction, the narrator sounds like he's trying to sparkle when, with just a a few of these words, he could cut like a diamond instead. Just a thought. Some issues I noted while reading:

--Don't use an asterisk to note foreign words. Use italics.
--"For winter, it was an equally invaluable uplift": this whole paragraph is a nice observation!
--"I bore a conscious despite for the Nigerians" :: not sure if "despite" is the right word; even if it is, it is sufficiently jarring to stop someone reading.
--"not to talk of its outward" :: "not to mention its outward"
--"average-tasting dishes" :: not sure who is saying this, given the surrounding context.
--"everyday" :: every day
--"unchanging oddities" :: unchanging is not the right word here.
--"quintessence" :: who are you trying to impress? Too many descriptive adjectives of too high diction. Cut them.

All around, a good story. Just cut the unnecessary words and tone back the diction. I liked it.
113
113
Review of Reaper  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a good story, a good start to a much longer narrative.

I am sorry, but I don't have much time. Here are some things I noted:
--The first paragraph is a bit hurried. The time-line is confusing. Slow it down.
--"What are you trying to do to me," :: me?"
--Kaoru does tend to talk a lot, and quite well, even when scared or angry. Sounds strange.
--Remember to capitalize "i"
--The dialogue after "As Sakku smiled" is unclear as to who is speaking.
--"old Japanese guitar" :: what is this? FInd the proper name, otherwise it sounds like an old guitar which is not Japanese
--You repeat "normal" too much in the paragraph that starts "Kaoru woke". Sounds like comedy.
--"Who the hell makes a room without a blinking door?" No one ever says "blinking" when they are angry.

All in all, there are a few too many grammar mistakes. This is a good start to a story, but you need to decide if you want to be deadly serious or allow some levity into the tale. As it is now, there's a lot of imbalance, and that hurts the sound of the story. Good luck with this.
114
114
Review of Listen.  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is pretty good. Excellent rhythm and rhyme, white contrasts nicely with the content, bringing a little extra shock value to the scene.

A little confusing when focus shifts to "He": is this a different person? A passerby? Is it God? If so, then why does He wonder when "they" will hear? Who is they? I thought he was worried about the old woman, not the passerbys?

All-in-all, well done. A good poem and just right at bringing out the emotion you want to convey. Thanks for sharing. Hope this review helped. I don't have much in the way of suggestions for this one, sorry.
115
115
Review of Silver Ring  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think this poem has a good rhythm and rhyme. For me, it's a bit on the sentimental side, but a solid poem that has all the right elements for its content. There are a few punctuation and repetition issues that might need addressing, but I will leave that up to your decision.

--I wore, a ring :: I wore a ring
--and keep me in your heart :: and keep me in your heart.
--we'll never be apart :: we'll never be apart,
--now complete and whole :: now complete and whole.
--I am yours my love forever :: I am yours, my love, forever.
--I will always cherish you :: I will always cherish you.
--just we two :: just we two.
--grows stronger, with :: grows stronger with
--ever single way :: every single way.
--silver band :: silver band.
--I wore, a ring :: I wore a ring

Also not sure about the line: "as I said these words in kind." "In kind" means "in turn" or to do something someone else has donw, after them.

Anyway, great start and good luck with this.
116
116
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
In general, very assuring and maintains a consistent voice. A few problems I noted below:

Thematics:
--Today, many Christians and non-Christians alike can carry a heavy burden of guilt and shame after an abortion, lingering throughout their entire life. :: kind of jarring subject change. Previously, you referred to children who had died, then you shift, suddenly, to abortion. This made me pause and wonder if this was going to just be a rail against abortion. You need to provide a transition in the previous paragraph.

Clarity and Accuracy:
--this can literally break the parents’ heart. :: I think both the literal and metaphorical meaning are understood, so omit "literally".
--died. And made even :: sentence fragment. Join these two sentences.
--foster parent, and so on. :: I really deplore that phrase "and so on". It sounds lazy. Find another way to say this, or just omit the idea. I think we understand.
--under-stand :: why hyphen?
--The only real thing that helps is the only real thing you can do. Grieve with them :: use colon instead of period.
--Even despite the fact that God forgave someone who committed murder, conspiracy to commit murder, adultery, etc...(King David), they can not forgive themselves. :: "they can not forgive themselves" needs to be a separate sentence.
--for certain. Not on what people think or what I personally think. :: sentence fragment.
--like for example autism :: very awkward phrasing, try; like autism, for example.
--caste out their demons :: cast out
-- So those with special needs have no chance in this present life, will surely :: "who" after "needs"
--a sin nature :: "sinful"?

117
117
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Clever and well-written (of course). You do well capturing the sense of lost chance but of ennui as well--this character doesn't seem to broken up by his own contemplation--I say this because his voice is distant, and he "contemplates" why the Greek gods didn't intervene (not exactly your usual heartbroken, country boy song, this). The title misled me, because I expected the gods to be the subject of the poem; instead, the "whither" seems to refer mostly to the woman he didn't meet. Also, it doesn't seem that the gods are distracted; it's the man who is distracted here. The gods seem no more than an afterthought or someone to blame for a missed chance. Given the minor role the gods play in this poem, I wonder if the title is appropriate or not; or if the character really blames them enough or not. Still, as I said, I found this really well-written and clever, and it is enjoyable to read. Thanks.
118
118
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall Impressions:
--I like the build-up during the battle scene, and the sense of realization it brings.
--There's a conflation of Mad Max (raiders), The Day the Earth Stood Still (cloud), and Aeon Flux (walled city, carefully controlled) imagery here that is cool, but could present problems later on if the imagery falters or becomes too stereotypical.
--This is too short to be a chapter. This is a scene. As a scene, it does set up the situation nicely and gives the reader a feeling for what will happen, while leaving us guessing at the same time. Nicely done.

Accuracy or Clarity Issues:
--Fear panic washed through the streets like a tidal wave, flooding the town in sheer panic. :: panic, panic (repetitious and maybe a mistake)
--calm." :: calm, "
--"mad rush" and "civilized manner" don't work well together
--Survival had taught them one thing, kill or die it was that simple. :: Survival had taught them one thing: kill or die. It was that simple.
119
119
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall:
--This is a good idea and I like the call to simplicity.
--There are too many typos and grammar errors for something this short.
--I would love it if more work were done on keeping a lyricism throughout.

Structure
--The first stanza starts well, almost a song in it lyricism and rhyme, but the third and fourth line don't rhyme, and they rhythm disappears.

Thematics
--I am always wary and wearied by poems that harken back to a lost gilded age. Was there ever a time when children were happy to receive a gift just because it was a gift and not because they were too poor? I grew up dirt poor and Christian, but I don't think I was happy to receive a small gift when I saw all the big gifts the other kids were getting. Let's not discount human nature; but if we do, we have to recognize that we've moved into fantasy, which might be appropriate for Christmas.
--In those days man worked hard :: have to comment on the "man" thing because of the aforementioned "harkening" back to a lost gilded age. This comes across as very sexist, and kind of elides the hard work that women did, too. Why not "people"?

Accuracy or Clarity Concerns:
--They were inexpensive gifts :: awkward phrasing, and possibly not necessary given all that was said before.
--when the poor received a meals :: When the poor received (a meal/meals)
--let us bring back :: Let us (there's three places where you don't capitalize a new line for no obvious purpose).
--everyday :: every day

Thanks for sharing this and good luck with the poem. It's a great start.
120
120
Review of In Memory of Me  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Thoughts:
--I love the bitter poetry showing the other side of "happy", so I really liked this poem. The words you've chosen do convey the sentiment you're trying to express, I think.
--The rhythm is good, though I will say that it begins to stumble in after the second stanza.
--The use of color is interesting but unnecessary. So, too, the use of italics. Let the words do the work in a poem this brief, not the font.
--What follows is my mind chewing over the poem. It is much easier, sometimes, to criticize than to create, so take what you think is valuable from the following ideas and ignore the rest. This is just me thinking about the poem (and the fact that this poem has me thinking is, I think, a compliment). Thanks for getting me thinking. It's a nice feeling.
--Again: loving the bitterness, regret, and sadness conveyed in this piece. Very human. Nicely done. Thank you.

Title
--"In Memory of Me" sets up some interesting connotations, not the least of which morning the loss of someone. So you've told us right from the beginning that you are gone. If that is so, who is feeling all these emotions? Well, obviously, it's the person you are now, who is fleeting, not the same person you were before (yesterday or years ago). The title is okay the way it is, but, personally, I wouldn't mind a less limiting title, one that allowed a little more potentiality into the reading of this poem.

Structure:
--I like the internal semi-rhyme of the initial two lines "around" and "clouds" : sets up a dark tone and rhythm
--And another internal rhyme in lines 5 and 6, stronger this time, setting up the expectation of further internal rhymes as part of the structure; and then this element disappears after the second stanza. hmmm.
--After the second stanza, the initial tension of internal rhyme or semi-rhyme dissipates, to be completely broken by the two short phrases: "My children. My husband."
--The use of center justification is appropriate here: gives the impression of a center, and your theme is, in a way, about the potential loss of a center. Maybe you could play with that
--Put that final line with the other two lines of the preceding stanza. Its a powerful line, but not independent enough to warrant it's own stanza.

Thematic Issues:
--To be as a mouse on a treadmill, / Never moving, always in motion : this is such a hopeless idea; and maybe that is what the narrator is feeling, but it would be nice, and potentially more poignant, if there was a sense of rest that is, ultimately, illusion. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I would feel more for a character who sometimes believes that there is hope than one who never feels there is hope (as a mouse on a treadmill might). Does this make sense?

Accuracy and clarity issues:
--maybe comma after line 4 "through"?
--"the path that was chosen" : nice line, lends a strong sense of finality and a bit of mystery as to who exactly chose that path (sounds like it was the speaker alone).
--"Mistaken lack of love" is an awkward phrase. I think you mean "Would he mistake it for a lack of love". But as its written here, this line can be read as you actually do not love him, and he is mistakenly believing that you do love him. Other readings are possible. You're going to have to decide how much you want to control the possible readings (or not).
--"Brimming with regret, nay desperation…" : this sets up regret and desperation as mutually exclusive terms, but I think they fit nicely together. You could omit the rather antiquated and awkward "nay" to set up the suggestion of a long list of negative emotions (which is truly understandable) or replace "nay" with "and" to limit the range of negative emotions. The difficulty then becomes what to make of the "Sadness": is this an amalgam of the previously mentioned emotions or is it yet one more emotion to add to the list? Deciding that will be important for considering the way you're going to punctuate this most important of final lines.
--omit the period after "Sadness". If you don't, you'll have a sentence fragment as a final sentence, and that can be very distracting. There's no grammatical rule against sentence fragments in poetry, but I tend to read them as these free floating bits that might attach to something preceding, like an errant and all-black jigsaw puzzle piece that's just waiting for the scissors to fit it in somewhere.

This poem has the core of a great key into some complex and eye-opening emotions. My comments and suggestions are just ideas about how I shape the key; you should ignore them if you feel they don't match your intention. I give a lot of feedback to writing I feel has the potential to be both a great read and a real learning experience for the writer. This poem will, I think, challenge you in some excellent and productive ways, especially if you focus on the rhythm and tension of the lines; ultimately, its you who are going to get the most out of this poem, but I think your readers will learn a lot once you are done with it (though I'm not sure any poet is ever done with a poem). Good luck, and thanks again for sharing.

I'm including this link to one of my poems because I sense a thematic relationship:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1556970 by Not Available.

121
121
Review of Grow Up!  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'll give you four stars for a fun topic and Devil-may-care tone of voice. You kept the rhythm and tone consistent throughout. This was quite easy to read, and enjoyable to get through. Only one place tripped me up:

1) Line 5-6: The same is true seems to refer either to the fact that you COULDN'T TIE your shoes or a LACK of food. But neither of their ideas finds a parallel, in my mind, with SLEEP, so I couldn't figure out what you meant. I plowed forward, guessing you just meant that you couldn't sleep deep, but soon found I was wrong in my guess.

Other than that, I would say that this is a cool poem for the topic. Very enjoyable to read, and just short enough to read a couple of times for the smile it imparts. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with the writing.
122
122
Review of Inside Without  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Overall impressions
--Good poem and sad. You do a nice a job of evoking the motions of loneliness, resignation, and sympathy.
--The voice is consistent throughout, and it's believable.

Favorite lines
--Wanting to be more / To be something he longs for :: particularly like the rhythm and the tension of the lines, not to mention their rhyme.

Word Choice issues
--He is lonely too / Can’t see what to do :: to be honest, I don't like this rhyme. It sounds too easy, and the parallel rhythm makes it sound a bit immature or something out of a pop song, and so doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the poem.

Accuracy or clarity issues
--Gasping for a breath of notice / Wanting to be more :: (now, this may not be necessary, but as you used punctuation in other parts of the poem, I would say this is a good idea: use comma after "notice"; without it, we can read this as the notice is wanting to be more, which is unnecessarily strange)
--Who cannot see, :: (no comma; this would improve the grammar and the impact of the following line)
--He closes the door / To me :: (Not sure "to" is the right word here--connotations of closing off a path to you, yes, but it sounds rather passive. Try "on"? That gives a more active sense of him doing the action)

Nicely done. Good luck with this piece, and thank you for sharing it. It was good to read.
123
123
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
--First, you will read need to punctuate this accurately to make the reading and comprehension easier. Right now, it reads as if you wrote this in about three minutes.
--Why was Josie wrapped in a shower curtain? Was she trying to commit suicide? Why was the house full of gas? Too many unanswered questions makes this more confusing than scary. I think Josie was trying to kill herself, but why? Why? That would be more of a story.
--This is a start. It needs a lot of work.
124
124
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)

General Impressions:
--I liked the frame of this piece: the bookstore, the shelves. Nice setting for the content.
--Felt the final paragraph went on a little too much, repeating the essential idea a bit too often. We got it. Instead, perhaps provide some clear examples, perhaps in another situation.

Clarity Issues:
--I found a book I thought was interesting :: (this line led me to think you had found a Bradbury book, but then I realize you didn't. Very confusing.)

Accuracy Issues:
--Walking into a bookstore to me is like walking in a toy store : walking into a toy store
--under $5 and because I am like a child at Christmas when buying books, I scuttled off :: $5, and
--before I die so I moved on over to the Sci-Fi section :: I die, so
--as my friend was still not ready to leave :: ("as" is grammatically correct, but sounds very antiquated. Use "because" instead.)
--motto to live by, always look on the bottom shelf :: live by: always
--Think of all the books that are bought, most :: bought: most

Nice idea and pretty clear delivery, just too many grammatical issues for a piece this short. Keep it up, though, and thanks so much for sharing.
125
125
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Initial Impressions:
--This is a good setup, in terms of characterization and tone, of a longer story about relationships and how life can change.
--I liked that the story went into flashback, but I think it went too early. It would've been nice to get more of a glimpse of the party because you spent such effort setting it up for us as the center of the story. Maybe show us a little of the party and then go to flashback?
--I can easily see this turning into an interesting story about how the characters lives and thoughts have changed. My only fear is that the narrator will become too judgmental of her cousin and perhaps not show enough understanding of why he chose this path.

Clarity or accuracy issues:
--Then again, does anyone know when their life will? :: unnecessary repetition of previous conceit.
--wouldn’t seem like :: wouldn't have seemed like
--I wasn’t exactly looking forward :: unnecessarily vague, take out "exactly". following sentences confirms that you weren't looking forward to it.
--yet I never enjoyed any of them. :: omit "any"
--a wealthy New Yorker I had learned to hate :: this is unclear. Do you mean you learned to hate you cousin, who resembled wealthy New Yorkers, or that you had learned to hate wealthy New Yorkers whom your cousin had come to resemble?
--He enjoyed reading about the stock market, while I was reading about fictional characters. :: omit comma, or rewrite to "while I read about"
--me; He :: me; he

Thank you for sharing this. Good luck with the rest of the story. Please don't mind my negative comments overly; I just want to provide some useful feedback if possible.
166 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 7 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chomonkyo/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5