Initial Thoughts:
--I love the bitter poetry showing the other side of "happy", so I really liked this poem. The words you've chosen do convey the sentiment you're trying to express, I think.
--The rhythm is good, though I will say that it begins to stumble in after the second stanza.
--The use of color is interesting but unnecessary. So, too, the use of italics. Let the words do the work in a poem this brief, not the font.
--What follows is my mind chewing over the poem. It is much easier, sometimes, to criticize than to create, so take what you think is valuable from the following ideas and ignore the rest. This is just me thinking about the poem (and the fact that this poem has me thinking is, I think, a compliment). Thanks for getting me thinking. It's a nice feeling.
--Again: loving the bitterness, regret, and sadness conveyed in this piece. Very human. Nicely done. Thank you.
Title
--"In Memory of Me" sets up some interesting connotations, not the least of which morning the loss of someone. So you've told us right from the beginning that you are gone. If that is so, who is feeling all these emotions? Well, obviously, it's the person you are now, who is fleeting, not the same person you were before (yesterday or years ago). The title is okay the way it is, but, personally, I wouldn't mind a less limiting title, one that allowed a little more potentiality into the reading of this poem.
Structure:
--I like the internal semi-rhyme of the initial two lines "around" and "clouds" : sets up a dark tone and rhythm
--And another internal rhyme in lines 5 and 6, stronger this time, setting up the expectation of further internal rhymes as part of the structure; and then this element disappears after the second stanza. hmmm.
--After the second stanza, the initial tension of internal rhyme or semi-rhyme dissipates, to be completely broken by the two short phrases: "My children. My husband."
--The use of center justification is appropriate here: gives the impression of a center, and your theme is, in a way, about the potential loss of a center. Maybe you could play with that
--Put that final line with the other two lines of the preceding stanza. Its a powerful line, but not independent enough to warrant it's own stanza.
Thematic Issues:
--To be as a mouse on a treadmill, / Never moving, always in motion : this is such a hopeless idea; and maybe that is what the narrator is feeling, but it would be nice, and potentially more poignant, if there was a sense of rest that is, ultimately, illusion. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I would feel more for a character who sometimes believes that there is hope than one who never feels there is hope (as a mouse on a treadmill might). Does this make sense?
Accuracy and clarity issues:
--maybe comma after line 4 "through"?
--"the path that was chosen" : nice line, lends a strong sense of finality and a bit of mystery as to who exactly chose that path (sounds like it was the speaker alone).
--"Mistaken lack of love" is an awkward phrase. I think you mean "Would he mistake it for a lack of love". But as its written here, this line can be read as you actually do not love him, and he is mistakenly believing that you do love him. Other readings are possible. You're going to have to decide how much you want to control the possible readings (or not).
--"Brimming with regret, nay desperation…" : this sets up regret and desperation as mutually exclusive terms, but I think they fit nicely together. You could omit the rather antiquated and awkward "nay" to set up the suggestion of a long list of negative emotions (which is truly understandable) or replace "nay" with "and" to limit the range of negative emotions. The difficulty then becomes what to make of the "Sadness": is this an amalgam of the previously mentioned emotions or is it yet one more emotion to add to the list? Deciding that will be important for considering the way you're going to punctuate this most important of final lines.
--omit the period after "Sadness". If you don't, you'll have a sentence fragment as a final sentence, and that can be very distracting. There's no grammatical rule against sentence fragments in poetry, but I tend to read them as these free floating bits that might attach to something preceding, like an errant and all-black jigsaw puzzle piece that's just waiting for the scissors to fit it in somewhere.
This poem has the core of a great key into some complex and eye-opening emotions. My comments and suggestions are just ideas about how I shape the key; you should ignore them if you feel they don't match your intention. I give a lot of feedback to writing I feel has the potential to be both a great read and a real learning experience for the writer. This poem will, I think, challenge you in some excellent and productive ways, especially if you focus on the rhythm and tension of the lines; ultimately, its you who are going to get the most out of this poem, but I think your readers will learn a lot once you are done with it (though I'm not sure any poet is ever done with a poem). Good luck, and thanks again for sharing.
I'm including this link to one of my poems because I sense a thematic relationship: | | Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1556970 by Not Available. |
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