If I pick this up in a bookstore and perused the first five scenes as written here, I would consider buying the book, but I'm not rushing to buy it. Here's some reasons why:
Impressions:
Part 1: A lot of focus on his injuries and pain. Part of me wants to say too much poetic focus, but I won't know until I finish the piece.
Part 2: Nice shift of focus and viewpoint, introducing other characters and potential complications.
Part 3: More characters being introduced, but with little in the way of concrete description or relation, so I'm not going to remember them so well.
Part 4: Who's Shannon?? Who's Steve?? Because we're switching scenes and viewpoints so much, so quickly, it's hard to keep up. Still, the dialogue is nice, and I have to assume these people are important.
Part 5: Nice set-up and foreshadowing. We know Shannon's going to get in trouble soon, and we want to keep reading to find out.
Accuracy or confusing issues:
--There's a lot of focus on walls in the first paragraph. Maybe rewrite "It opened to nothing but a larger room with decrepit walls" as "It opened to nothing but a larger, decrepit room"?
--I like the descriptiveness of your language, but "alerting the contusions and abrasions to their duty" is distracting as they have no duty; the nerves have a duty, but not injuries.
--"I don’t know Jace." : "I don’t know, Jace."
--end, “Do : end. "Do
--"and honked twice. But the years of neglect" because of this line, I assume the car (which honked) has suffered years of neglect.
--‘No thanks.’ he : ‘No thanks.’ He
-- Jace, “Can : Jace: “Can
--"She’s perfect for them." This is a confusing line because in one sense he seems to be commenting on how closely she resembles her parents, but in another sense there's a suggestion that he's referring to some other people, because "she's perfect for them" sounds like a common way of writing someone off. This ambiguity might be intentional, though. Again, I will have to read more to see.
--‘never : 'Never
--everything else, why : else. Why
(I've stopped noting accuracy issues because I want to focus on the story.)
Dialogue:
You've got a nice ear for how people speak. So, my only problem was with the exchange between the delivery man and Shannon: Any creep (as you(ve drawn him) is not going to be surprised by a vicious turn down from such a woman; and, besides, Shannon's retort didn't sting that much, it was more vulgar than sharp. So, I couldn't see Steve doubling over in laughter.
Overall:
As you said, there's a lot more to this story. As such, this is a nice introduction to the characters, though I would say again that we switch between them so fast it's hard to get an initial feel for them. The tone is appropriate to the events, and the characters fit the setting and tone well. Nice writing combined with a nice vocabulary (though a bit too wordy/poetic at times) rewards the reader. Thank you very much for sharing this. I hope my comments can provide some useful insights.
|
|