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Public Reviews
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126
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Initial Impressions:
--I liked the creation-myth nature of the piece, and its fantastical elements.
--There's an element of mother-daughter dynamism at work that gives a further emotional edge to the piece.
--There are, however, too many grammatical errors that make the reading jolting and difficult. It reads as if the writer is very young and/or inexperienced or not a native speaker of English. However, if the writer is young, then all kudos to an excellent imagination!
--Clean up the grammar, put everything in the past tense, and this will be a much more enjoyable story to read. Thank you so much for sharing.
127
127
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Overall impressions:
--An amusing take on the old coming-of-age story. Nicely balanced between realism and fantasy, with a good touch of symbolism and imagery thrown in.
--I had trouble resolving the idea of an eighteen year-old wanting a plush doll. That a amazon warrior would want the doll was not as troubling for me as that.
--Not sure the title's "Affection" is the right word, as it leads one to the idea of romantic attachment.

Accuracy issues:
--The plush fashioned pigtails and glittering emerald eyes :: (sentence fragment)

Other issues:
--“I don’t want to become a warrior. Why can’t they understand?” : may be better not to say this. I think we understand this already. Or say a different way?
--Her alcohol breath smothered the display case. :: breath can't smother the display case because there's a window in the way.
--She indicated the shop behind her. :: also unnecessary given the setting.
--her house’s front door :: is there any other front door? don't need "house's"

This is a fun, short story to read. I wonder if you would consider expanding it a bit more, to include more of the warrior's daily life and frustrations? If we could see more of her, we might empathize with her more. Thanks for sharing this, and good luck with the writing. This is a good story.
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128
Review of Afghanistan  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nicely done. The short, descriptive sentences do keep us reading. I especially liked the ending which, though sad, lends a sense of futility to what would have otherwise been a stereotypically "save the poor foreign woman story". I would love to see this as a part, or the beginning, of a larger story about the photographer.

This sentence felt a bit overdone:
"Her entire body was covered in a material called the burka."
I think "Her entire body was covered in a burka" would convey the same information--anyway, I think most people know what a burka is by now.

Thank you for sharing this and good luck with the writing.
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129
Review of Cram  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice little, humorous poem. I liked the subject matter, and especially agreed with the theme and tone. I would love to know which place you were talking about.

I especially liked the idea of the food being like 0's in a large number. That's a really cool description. Curious about what fatigue the narrator is talking about; I wonder if it is more ennui.

The only thing I would suggest is to change the comma at the end of the final line to a period. Other than that, this is a fun read, and I want to thank you for sharing it.
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130
Review of Gramma's House  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
I started reading this because it was at the top of your list,
I kept reading it because it reminded me so much of home,
The only home I ever known, a place so long I've missed,
A place warm of love, to pause in my frantic, senseless roam.

That said: The resemblances are so uncanny! This really does sound like my grandmother's house in Idaho, right down the binoculars and school books.

Onto criticism of the poem:
--I liked it (obviously) both for its imagery as well as its rhythm and rhyme.
--It nicely evokes a sense of place in its use of memory and description.

Parts I especially liked:
--I never stopped to notice, / paint was chipping off the walls.
--Exploring all the history, / and learning on the way.

Accuracy issues:
--a closed in porch :: closed-in ?
--There was a tractor in the back yard; / and a swing in the front tree. :: There was a tractor in the backyard, / and a swing in the front tree
--belonging to our mothers :: belonging to our mothers.

Places that stopped me reading:
--Grams :: don't know why, but this kind of sounded too hokey for me, too wanna-be earthy. I preferred the "Gramma" used previously.

Final impressions:
--I wish I had your ear for rhyme and rhythm. This is fun to read when you catch the rhythm and just go with it. Again, I loved the imagery and tone. Great work. Thank you for sharing this.




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131
Review of The window  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
General comments:
--Dark tone: hopeless, cynical, bitter, but able enough to express itself. This "outsider" from society sees how things really are, but sees them symbolically, dressed up in metaphors, and that is always an interesting way to express ones struggle with meaning.
--Strange that the speaker is safe within the room, while outside the people are in a blizzard/merciless existence. The speaker is safe, protected, apart from the struggles, rising above others even as they crucify the speaker--all of this suggests a certain weakness, in my opinion, on the speaker's part, a certain retreat from society. This only occurred to me on my third reading, though. May not be something you'd worry about.

Parts I really liked:
--And while they stab at me with their lances and their daggers / I watch while they struggle. (However, this does parallel with the final line about crucifixion, when they actually do seem to succeed in stabbing you, which could a problem thematically. I'll let you decide)
--Outside is an endless blizzard, and it's freezing, unforgiving, merciless.

Accuracy issues or places that stopped me reading:
--those like me + I wonder if they exist = logically distracting
--shakes within the pane :: a pane is the sheet of glass, so a window cannot shake within that
--for they are a part of society! :: two things I don't like in poetry are antiquated phrases ("for") and exclamation points. Together they drain all life from the line.

Suggested revisions:
--Within my mind I am glad, look at all those people, outside in the storm. :: Within my mind I am glad, looking at all those people out in the storm

Final comments:
--A nice piece in terms of tone and imagery.
--The philosophical exploration of alienation has been started and I would suggested going further, in other poems, with some of these images, especially with the window, crucifixion, and the blizzard.
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132
Review of The Silly Hobbit  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely detailed. Good descriptions. Catchy character and, yes, an infectious grin. Well done slice-of-life.

I don't have much in the way of suggestions. This is too short to be a story. It would be a good introduction to the narrator's persona if she/he were in a longer story. All I can do is thank you for sharing this. If you have any specific questions or concerns about the piece, feel free to let me know and I will answer them.
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133
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I liked the tone and the story is attention-keeping. The ending is interesting, but the beginning could be given a bit more energy.

So much of this story is told is summary that it's hard to get involved in the characters in any way. The narrator's voice is a bit too off-hand at times, too sarcastic (for example, "We weren't gay, I had to remind her. We were just of different species") and that kept me from imagining the situation--which is what I really wanted to do. I would recommend rewriting this with more dialogue and description of their lives instead of telling it all in summary.

Again, I liked the story. I am just suggesting ways to make it a story that I would like to read more of. You can disregard the suggestions, of course. Thanks for sharing the story. It was fun to read.
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134
Review of Dendrochronology  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked reading this. The tone was wonderfully humorous, off-hand, but also precise and "scholarly" enough to be attention-keeping. It reminds me a little of Borges, which I love.

A couple places seemed to slow down a bit:
--specially-built instrument made in Sweden to his specifications :: specially-built to specification is redundant
--Over 4,500 years in age, he :: misplaced modifier
--the damage explicable through the harsh bounces of the mountain muletrain :: I understand what this means, but think it could be rephrased more clearly: "the damage could be explained during the harsh bouncing of the mountain muletrain"
--to say there had been one witness is not true :: this mean could also mean there were no witnesses, and so is unnecessarily confusing. add "just"?

Other than that, I just want to say thank you! I'm so happy to find someone else out there writing along some of my own interests. Great story. Thanks again.

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135
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked the intensity conveyed, and the rhythm and sound of this piece. Nicely done. A bit of existential angst nicely framed. I would like to see this developed into a story, and not simply as a tiny, tiny bit of thought. Thank you for sharing it.

Clarity concerns:
--my thought :: my thoughts (?)
--The earth my body goes. :: (you could revise this easily by:) To the earth my body goes
--I can not feel, I can not hide :: (Why separate "can" and "not"? This seems to emphasize the availability of the choice, not the absence of choice).
--With the changing winds and the flowing water of life. I find my frameless soul. :: (revise to one sentence)
--all consuming :: all-consuming
--Why we are and who am I? :: (Why invert the question form?) Why are we and who and I? (Now it is parallel)

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136
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)


--There's an interesting shift from bodily hunger to ephemeral light (as a metaphor for memory?) by the end of the poem: this works well, and it is summed up nicely in the final line. Good balance of form and content!
--I like short lines. Short lines add tension to a piece. However, here they may be distracting from the emotion you wish to convey. The voice sounds angry, but the images feel sad.
--I like the final lines. Again: Well done.

Suggestions:
--Get rid of the double-spacing.
--Think hard about changing the line-length.
--I want you to either capitalize all the first words or capitalize none of them. This may be just my preference, but I think the way you have it now is distracting. I'd say don't capitalize any of the words.

Thank you for sharing this. Keep writing.
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137
Review of The Fight  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Impressions:
--Well done. I have to assume there was a word-limit and three words you had to use. Considering the constraints, you packed a good amount of emotion into this.
--Nice use of gesture and dialogue together.
--Good phrasing throughout. Fairly tight.

Concerns:
--Some of the phrasing and dialogue seems a little forced or unnatural. For example: “I will not stand here and be abused anymore!” sounds too formal for the situation. Also: "She tried to deliver a slap" is wordy. How about: "She tried to slap him"?

Accuracy issues:
--"maniac air" : I could be wrong, but I think this should be "manic air".

Good luck with the contest!
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138
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall Impression:
--I like the essay. Having had two of those things already (I am 37), I can relate to what you are saying. I like to pro-check-up message you are supporting, and I agree with it.
--I liked the final paragraph. There were some fun elements there.
--Throughout, you maintained a casual, easy-to-understand tone that I think was effective.
--Sorry, but I found the title misleading: You are not talking about enemas in this essay; you are talking about colonoscopies.
--The line "maybe too easy…" got me hoping for an extended metaphor about "accepting" medical exams into one's life; the metaphor is there, but it's not very strong. If possible, I would suggest punching up that metaphoric element of the essay. I could be wrong. I am using the same metaphor in a story about hemorrhoid surgery in Japan, so I might just be obsessing over this, butt....

Clarity Issues:
--it was estimated that approximately 150,000 new cases were diagnosed :: (too wordy, try:) "an estimated 150,000 new cases were diagnosed"
--doctors can detect many colorectal cancers early, when the cure rate is very high. If not caught early enough, :: (repetitious, rewrite to remove one "early")

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Review of Why Do I Write?  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (2.5)
Initial impressions:
--This is a very short intro to a much longer essay on the creative impulse.
--So many people could have so many problems with the assertion that "a feel good emotion means you are heading in the right direction." Many serial killers and such have feel-good emotions, too, for example.
--The clause that this is a philosophy that works for you, for now, absolves you from any criticism and weakens the statement you are trying to make.

Accuracy issues
--the message “Good Jim. : the message: "Good, Jim.

Other issues:
--As above, I always feel let down when writers write that "I don’t know for sure why I write." Margaritte Duras stated it best, I think; similar to your idea, but more final; I paraphrase: Writers write because they cannot not write.
--I have issues with any philosophy that is based purely on the need to feel good. I have been questioning for the last couple years, based on reading Nietchze, why we don't strive for unhappiness, for dis-ease? Happiness simply means that we are content with our current situation, and so I wonder if stasis is the only real product of happiness. You hint at this when you acknowledge that sadness can be a useful emotion, but you do not explore the idea. If you expand this piece, I think you should.


Final thoughts:
--Thanks for sharing this feel-good message. I hope it helps others understand their own creative impulse better.
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140
Review of Discarded v3  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
No GP's, just a note that I love the form, tone and content. Thank you.
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141
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First Impressions____________
(after reading through one time without stopping)
--I liked the circularity of the story, the parallel of elopement and going to heaven (death?).
--the use of accurate, specific medical language is engaging, but there's too much of it perhaps. It doesn't add much to the story (unless I am missing some symbolism there).

Accuracy Issues______________
--Nothing noteworthy, though the use of this font did cause me a few misreadings of "o" as "a", creating a few novel sentences.

Concerns_____________________
--There is not too much of the triage, not enough of the narrative. I wanted to see more of the characters.
--This line jumped out at me for being not natural: "Lara, since that day I've only wanted you. Loving you and taking care of you is all I care about. I'll do anything...." It's not sappy enough for a 22 year-old man in love with a 17 year-old woman, but too sappy given the other dialogue.

My Favorite Elements_________
--The parallelism of the ending.
--The emphasis on physicality in the eating and desire scene.

Suggestions__________________
--None beside attention to the issues I've already mentioned.

Final Thoughts_______________
--Good luck on the contest!
--Thanks for sharing this story.
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142
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Impressions:
--Delicate issues dealt with in a straight-forward manner, leaving little room for romanticism or disarming sentiment.
--Your diction is to the point, without frills, and that does well though many parts of the story.
--Some problems maintaining a believable tone throughout.

Accuracy Issues
--"blue-green eyes, her Prince Charming." : Needs semicolon, not comma.
--"always had alcohol in the house but in the last five years, they had begun" : misplaced comma. Move comma to after "but", omit after "years"
--"This wasn’t her knight; forever coming to her rescue." Needs comma, not semicolon.
--She touched his hand tentatively and whispered. “Steven, it’s Beth, I love you.” : She touched his hand tentatively and whispered: “Steven, it’s Beth, I love you.”
--amd : and
--"When their first son was born she" : comma after "born"

Concerns
--Dialogue: "You are more beautiful then your pictures or my memories. I love you, Beth.” (A teenage boy talks like this? Get rid of "memories".)
--Don't use typographic elements to relay sadness: “It’s o-okay, I can go-o now but had to see you. I am so tir-ed-I love you- so sorry." Instead, use full words, and words full of sadness.
--"Bethany found out alcoholism amd all addiction is a hereditery progressive disease. She had to forgive her parents before she could move on with her life. They did the best that they could." This is very forgiving, but is it necessary to the character? I felt it distracted.

Tone
--In the first part of the story, the characters sound believable, and I was really sucked into their world. Nice descriptions.
--By the time they'd met again at the mall, their dialogue had changed to much, too much, mature; also, the writing style changed to too telling, and sometimes a bit too sentimental. Just my opinion.


Final impressions/suggestions
--If you could rework this story so that the initial tone moves throughout--that sense of innocence amidst dark menace--instead of shifting to a kind of "everything will be alright in the end" sensibility, it would be a more satisfying read. You don't have to change any of the subject matter or the characters or events, just the word-choice and some of the things the narrator says. Again, this is just my opinion.

Thanks for sharing this story. Hope my comments help.
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Review of The Prince  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
First Impressions____________
(after reading through one time without stopping)
--The strength of this piece is in its story: long lost family member returned with a mysterious past.
--Interesting main character, but she blushes way too much.
--The theme is intriguing but needs to be brought out in the dialogue, not in the telling.

Accuracy Issues______________
--"and I dropped my gaze suddenly tongue-tied." : Needs comma between "gaze" and "suddenly".
--I have to stay clean and sober" : Needs quotation mark at the beginning of sentence.
--"I admonished myself." Is this internal or aloud admonishment? If internal use italics.
--"I wasn't sure where or when he was." Yes she was. He was in the room with her. She wasn't sure where his mind was, though.

Concerns_____________________
--My biggest concern is the dialogue. It comes across as quite unnatural at times. For example: “I can sense the chemistry between us." I've never heard anyone, in an intimate situation, put their feelings this way. This guy sounds like a doctor diagnosing a problem, not a man torn between his attraction for a young woman and knowledge of his own self-destructiveness. More examples: "You handled all of my aunts and uncles so deftly." (who says "deftly" outside university conferences?); "Sometimes I traded my body for food and shelter" (sounds like something straight out of an anti-drug brochure); "Surely they had good antidepressants five years ago” (people usually don't say "surely" in conversation); "Michael, you're the family hero. An All-American basketball player at the University of Pennsylvania was just a start, then a star in a Broadway musical, and two best-selling albums. All before you were 30. And to top it off as my mother says, ' Tall, dark, and more handsome than any man has a right to be.' You were Prince Charming for many of us." (This is a laundry list. It was nice to insert the bits from the mother, but otherwise it's a laundry list); and finally, my least favorite: "I'm twenty-eight years old, single, love opera and jazz, like to play tennis, and I'm an assistant professor of history at Columbia" (this just screams singles ad).
--The main character rides a fine line between vulnerability and strength. The blushing pushes her too far into the vulnerability camp, and so makes me lose interest in her as someone who might make strong, difficult decisions.

My Favorite Elements_________
--A nice balance of dialogue and physical description of the speaking act.
--Good use of past to bring depth to the characters.
--A feminine character at once strong but just as open to weakness as any human.

Suggestions__________________
--Work on making the dialogue more natural.
--Use the dialogue to bring out this character's background. Don't tell us the background; have it come out in conversation somehow. Tell less, and let the reader guess more.

Final Thoughts_______________
--The strength of this piece is in its story: long lost family member returned with a mysterious past.
--Get us interested in this narrator more; make her blush less often; give her other defining characteristics.
--Get Michael's past less stereotypically ex-junky drifter. Right now, he did nothing eye-catching, nothing we haven't heard before. For a successful musician to have sold his body and to not have worried about how rumors of that might have gotten around is strange in and of itself. To top it off, if he was getting royalties and such, and dealing a little, I couldn't figure out why he had to sell his body. It's pretty much a last-ditch effort to stay alive for most men (we are talking homosexual prostitution, right?), and he never seemed that desperate.
--You've got a great core story here that will shine when the elements I've mentioned are addressed and polished. Keep working on it.

Thanks for sharing.
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Review of 9:39  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A fun little poem, especially in terms of rhythm and content. I liked the doll sitting at the foot of the bed. My only suggestion would be to add appropriate punctuation to ease the reading (without it, sometimes I got a bit confused and had to stop to think about what the sentence was doing). A nice little bot of horror combined with playfulness. Thank you.

--So I went to browse around / Inside and old shoe box, / Was a doll with a rumpled gown :: (very confusing So I went to browse around. // Inside an old shoe box, / Was a doll with a rumpled gown
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145
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
If I pick this up in a bookstore and perused the first five scenes as written here, I would consider buying the book, but I'm not rushing to buy it. Here's some reasons why:

Impressions:
Part 1: A lot of focus on his injuries and pain. Part of me wants to say too much poetic focus, but I won't know until I finish the piece.
Part 2: Nice shift of focus and viewpoint, introducing other characters and potential complications.
Part 3: More characters being introduced, but with little in the way of concrete description or relation, so I'm not going to remember them so well.
Part 4: Who's Shannon?? Who's Steve?? Because we're switching scenes and viewpoints so much, so quickly, it's hard to keep up. Still, the dialogue is nice, and I have to assume these people are important.
Part 5: Nice set-up and foreshadowing. We know Shannon's going to get in trouble soon, and we want to keep reading to find out.

Accuracy or confusing issues:
--There's a lot of focus on walls in the first paragraph. Maybe rewrite "It opened to nothing but a larger room with decrepit walls" as "It opened to nothing but a larger, decrepit room"?
--I like the descriptiveness of your language, but "alerting the contusions and abrasions to their duty" is distracting as they have no duty; the nerves have a duty, but not injuries.
--"I don’t know Jace." : "I don’t know, Jace."
--end, “Do : end. "Do
--"and honked twice. But the years of neglect" because of this line, I assume the car (which honked) has suffered years of neglect.
--‘No thanks.’ he : ‘No thanks.’ He
-- Jace, “Can : Jace: “Can
--"She’s perfect for them." This is a confusing line because in one sense he seems to be commenting on how closely she resembles her parents, but in another sense there's a suggestion that he's referring to some other people, because "she's perfect for them" sounds like a common way of writing someone off. This ambiguity might be intentional, though. Again, I will have to read more to see.
--‘never : 'Never
--everything else, why : else. Why
(I've stopped noting accuracy issues because I want to focus on the story.)

Dialogue:
You've got a nice ear for how people speak. So, my only problem was with the exchange between the delivery man and Shannon: Any creep (as you(ve drawn him) is not going to be surprised by a vicious turn down from such a woman; and, besides, Shannon's retort didn't sting that much, it was more vulgar than sharp. So, I couldn't see Steve doubling over in laughter.

Overall:
As you said, there's a lot more to this story. As such, this is a nice introduction to the characters, though I would say again that we switch between them so fast it's hard to get an initial feel for them. The tone is appropriate to the events, and the characters fit the setting and tone well. Nice writing combined with a nice vocabulary (though a bit too wordy/poetic at times) rewards the reader. Thank you very much for sharing this. I hope my comments can provide some useful insights.
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146
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the tone and the relaxed feel, and especially the ending sense of regret, that the reader can share, in the final lines. Nicely done.

Because I am nit-picky:
"and stretch my ear / listen to a distant finch" : maybe "and stretch my ear / and listen to a distant finch"

Word choice:
I assume you wanted to give a sense of peace broken. If that is the case, then the words "darkened corners" sends us into a dark, potentially scary place that does not at all seem peaceful. Search for other words, like "dusty" for example.

Stanza break:
For effect and consistency, I would suggest a stanza break after "darkened corners of my mind". This would give a sense of time passing, of peacefulness, and we wouldn't be confused by what is causing the feeling of dread, which on first reading I assumed to be the darkened corners of my mind.

Well done. This is a good poem at its core. I liked it, and would like to see it or more like it in the future. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of SICKNESS  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is nice the way you present the scientific and philosophical views first and then your own, which creates some empathy for the speaker's view of things. The lines have a nice feel and rhythm to them; I would suggest capitalizing the first word of every line because the way you have it now, some capitalized and some not for no consistent reason is distracting. A few other issues:

"you : "You
learnt: learned (without colon)
strenght : strength

Otherwise this is a nice poem. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Human  
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (3.0)
I liked the internal rhyme structure and rhythm, a nice break from the usual end-stop poetry. Interesting subject matter, and rather humorous by the end. It's good, but it's got a few mistakes you need to clean up. For example:

"So still relaxed, and clam" : I think you meant "calm", and also this line gets confusing because of the lack and the presence of punctuation. Previously you disregarded punctuation, focusing more on rhythm, and then in this line you add a comma, but it seems to be in the wrong place. The comma should be after "still" and not after "relaxed" if you are going to use the comma.

A few other accuracy issues:
century's : centuries?
insiders : insides?
eye lids : eyelids?
along side : alongside?

You may not be worried about the accuracy stuff, wanting to focus more on content, and I would agree that's important, but these accuracy issues make reading the poem a bit confusing, taking away from the dark fun of it. Thanks for sharing the piece.
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149
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Fun until:

I thought the narrator was pulling the old woman's chain until this phrase: "I nodded, and assumed that her dismay". Because of the word "assume" he now seems to be a cat-skinner. Don't like the shift, because the previous assumption was much funnier. Furthermore, because of these two sentences near the end, the narrator sounds alternately to be joking and then seriously believing in his professed vocation: "I let a look of dismay cross my face. I had hoped to exchange recipes with her." It's the difference between "I let" and "I had hoped" which indicates a different mindset, like this guy is extremely, unbelievably, schizophrenic.

Still, fun and enjoyable. I am glad I read it and might use this idea the next time some annoying person tries to bother me on the plane. Thanks for sharing.
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150
Review by Dis-Ease
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your ideas--all of which I agree with, having been there, done that, yet not given them up. This was a fun read, and I don't have any major suggestions.

Well, I do, actually: How about rewriting this in a less comedic tone? You have a wonderful vocabulary, and great skill with voice and tone. Why not change to tone to one of righteous indignation? I mean, just weigh the thing done sadistically with heavy-handed advice and vitriolic railings that, in the end, send the message straight to the heart.

And, because I can't keep down the former writing teacher in me:
--"important step. How": A question is not a step.
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