A good poem. A great subject written with a lot of feeling.
1. The only thing I see that needs attention is the way you have used words that may not be expressing your thoughts as well as more thoughtful use of available words. 2. Proof reading your piece before you publish it and taking the time to change things as you see them after a careful read.
I can see you are talented so keep writing and learning as you go. Good job!
Short poem.
Did you write it in one sitting? I only ask because there are so many ways to go with the subject you have chosen.
I would suggest that you see if you can think of your next stanza. once it has been written let it sit for a day or so, then reread it and see if there isn't more that has come to mind.
when you think you have finished adding to your poem; proof read it and see if it can be polished up a bit. My point is that a poem should be thought about in it's creation.
But then again if your happy with it the way it is, it's your poem do with it that witch pleases you.
Your poem demands thought. It is also more riddle than rhyme. A gathering of thought provoking statements. The last stanza was interesting. Blind or not you still can't see.
Was there a specific subject in mind when you wrote this piece?
I enjoyed your poem even though it is somewhat nonsense.
Your subject is a good subject to write about. It seems to me that your attempt to use more complex language is throwing the rhythm of the sentences off. The second sentence and the use of the word melancholy destroys the natural rhythm off. If you would have used the word sadness. The fourth line is poorly constructed and should be rewritten.
Try reading what you write out loud listening to it as if you had never heard it before. You can turn this into a good poem with a little work.
Good poem. Great subject. Those who go through this life without friends are truly lost. in the second line I think there's a mistake. Too many yous. Lines 18 and 19 should be proof read and rewritten. Easy to correct.
I like your poem. It could be much better. I see your pain in your poem. It has been my experience that love doesn't hurt if all is right. I met my love when she was fourteen and i was just turning sixteen.
We spent five years getting to know each other. Then we married very young she was seventeen I was nineteen. She passed away this year fifty four years after our wedding. I miss her.
If the relationship your in is painful you may have the wrong partner.
Quite a poem. Many children are caught in the same situation as Ted. Generation after generation committing the same sins on their families. Never getting the idea to stop the unending chain of wasted children only creating more families that never had a chance. The circle never ending.
Maybe the poem will reach someone that still has time to break the circle.
I really like your poem. I think it would be better if you formatted it more like a poem. If my count was correct there are ten lines to your poem. You have used the comma improperly. Your use of the comma in effect has marked out each line. I think you will see what I'm talking about if to rewrite your poem in the form of lines, for example:
How many tears must one cry,
to kill the pain of just one lie.
My tears fall to the floor.
I wish you would lie no more.
And so on. I think you will see that your poem will read much easier to those who read it for the first time. As always, its up to you as it's your creation. Keep writing.
Good poem. On your search for Zen He found you; just wondering who found you? The second stanza leaves me walking on eggshells. I find your poem more like a riddle rather cryptic.
The poem is well written, but with a meaning that isn't clear.
Good poem, Dennis. The silver fox is not the only casualty. In this day of the secular world trying to push everyone else out of the way so they can do as they like. there are thousands that are not being attended to.
Your poem seems more like a prose. neither rhythmic or lyrical. Your piece has no punctuation to guide the readers through your feelings. There is too much repetition, which most try to avoid instead using other words with the same or similar meanings. Your form and presentation is good because of your use of stanzas and an even number of sentences.
Please don't think me too harsh this piece can be worked on becoming a poem. I would suggest reading more poetry absorbing the many different forms of poetry. Most of all keep writing.
Your poem is very expressive. Over two hundred years ago there were others who were considered malcontents and didn't fit in with their countrymen. They weren't allowed to worship as they pleased and they to were put on ships and sent to a far off country to start a new. many died in the process of building new communities. for their ungrateful king. the work was hard but the reward was great.
The boat people are a great people who can endure much and their reward will be great in a country like America.
an interesting piece. I just moved from the San Francisco Bay Area where I was born and lived most of my life. I couldn't sleep through the night. The noise was ever increasing around me. It seemed that many cultures were becoming more and more exclusive, not wanting to assimilate; become Americans. The bay area was becoming fragmented. The American dream becoming more and more unattainable.
So even at my older age I moved to a smaller community. Now life is more like it use to be. People are friendly and much easier to know. Again life worth looking foreword to. I still get up at three in the morning but I like it now, it is my time set aside for reading and the quiet I missed. Guard your soul and enjoy your thoughts.
I liked your piece and think that you should continue to explore the ideas you have expressed in it.
A good poem. Stressing a strong family connection to the newer addition of the family. Establishing the importance of spending time with the whole family, aunts, uncles, cousins and Grandparents. Passing on traditional get-togethers and knowing those parts of your family that you really don't get to see that often. There is a richness in knowing your family and being known by them.
In today's world the family is sadly lacking the experience of belonging to an extended family. Thanks for sharing your experience and feelings of belonging to a family.
Your poem leaves me wondering what it is about. The first line uses the word "bosom" as a description of her smile. Bosom is a description of the chest area. Her smile is also described as the largest heart. Your description of her smile uses odd words to describe your subject. The second line is a bit strange; "She has hands full of love" The fourth line "She takes colours galore to sweep us of our feet" You miss spelled colors and used of instead off our feet.
It seems as though you wrote this poem in a hurry or you're not familiar with English. The poem leaves me thinking that you're talking about a country instead of a woman but I'm not sure. All in all I think your poem has a good story line but could be written much better. Keep writing.
A good subject to write about but it seems that it has been written in haste. Example: The first stanza could have been cleaned up a bit. The first sentence for instance: Summer is vacation time for many. My landlords are the greatest of folk. They have been there for me when I needed help. They jest, they joke, they are great fun. Now they have fled camping they have gone. Now they can relax, with time to yawn and have a good time. I'm in charge of the chickens. This could be a much better poem with some time taken to proof reading and rewriting. Its up to you, its your poem.
Your poem was almost a puzzle to read. In and out of the dictionary I went to try and understand just what your message meant. You wrote in your description of this piece " A Poem, I hope" I'm not sure if it was a poem or a prose, but it was difficult to understand what your point was.
In my opinion a poem should be written in a format that facilitates ease of reading and understanding. The job of the poet or author is to create a message or story that can be enjoyed by most of its readers in a clearly understood form. The author's endeavor should be to touch others in a way that will give a full range of emotions. Keep writing Jeremiah.
I agree with your quandary. I would have used the word "spendthrift" in an attempt to describe a fugal person. Thanks for bringing up the word and its real meaning. I use the dictionary when I write more than most, but I would have missed this words meaning because of the structure of the word. Spend thrift. It was obvious to me that word meant what it was saying. How and why Webster came to his conclusion I'll never understand. The English language is hard enough to understand without having these kinds of traps laid for those of us who are sure of these types of words and their meanings.
It should have been considered by Webster that the definition of a word could be changed by the sheer fact that words like "spendthrift" are commonly used by the masses and never being looked up in the dictionary found to be understood as it's writer intended.
I've never witnessed a Tornado, and I hope I never do. The way your poem is written, it sounds more like notes I might write to myself before sitting down to write about my experience. I wonder if you have spent any time thinking about how the weather was that day before and after. It would be interesting to know how other's were feeling before, during and after. I really feel like it would be easy to expand this poem into a realistic account of what it means to watch such a destructive storm in action knowing that there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Good poem. Most of us wake to find there is not enough. It seems that there's little to show for what we've done. Pushing foreword inch by inch falling back only to find I'm worth more dead than alive. Now I find its too late; and all I can do is rely on God to multiply my effort and to provide for me in this my time of twilight.
Good job, I like your poem as I'm sure others will to.
Chuck
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