Your poetry experiment leaves something to be desired, like some background. Reading this piece was like coming into a movie twenty minutes late. In the second stanza you speak about following her trail and counting your options. Then without mention of a clue you are ready to search till the stars burn out. So... huh. what does that mean? Who are you talking to when you ask for the loan of fuel?
The next sentence "Maybe you could let me steel it." The next stanza is as bad as the first as it leave me standing alone wondering what happened to the end of this so called poem.
Good write. Be true to thy self. There will always be those who criticize and advise. This life is yours and in the end I fear only you will be accountable.
Good poem. Great subject. Your poem makes me think about the missed opportunities to help those who just need a hand up. Why is it that we don't stop and take notice of those around us.
A good start to a great poem. Your poem holds the attention of the reader, but there are a few things you might think about. First the format could be better, easier on the reader. For example most poems are written in stanzas with shorter lines paying attention to syllables; the same count in each line.
Your poem starts with the word "Prophecies" Prophecies are a prediction of events in the future. Your poem reads as an account of the present. The first line starts with a statement that could or should be rephrased. "The mist flows through the valley; ash pours among our
shores, from sky came sleet, cold and wet our hearts gone dry; save our love of greed." This line could be changed in small ways for more realism and impact. For example: (The mist falls throughout the valley, ash is falling like the mist, covering our beautiful shores; the ash and mist together are cold and wet, our hearts are filled with sorrow, save us from the effects of this eruption.)
These suggestions are only suggestions, remember this is your poem. Keep writing, this poem can only get better as you tweak and make changes here and there.
As I read your piece I can't help but think, what if all those around me knew who I am, and what I have done, what would they think? Yes we all have a dark side.
There is always forgiveness for our actions. Forgiveness from those around us who are worth knowing, most important there is forgiveness from God. You must also learn to forgive yourself. It is important to know that we cannot change the past, but we have the ability to do what is right today.
This looks like a good start to a poem. If you could only define your whim, and more clearly express your passions. You never know you might release an explosion of words describing feelings, feelings that others experience to.
An interesting story. I feel like I stepped into a theater in the middle of the movie. There was no background on the girl or who she was being pursued by. "her once sleek, coffee coloured hair now a matted mess flew out behind her as she bolted away from him." This description of her hair seems like it could have been worded better. You also miss spelled colored. If the flight of this trapped and running for her life scene could be described, I think more descriptive words should be used. For example: She ran as she saw a brief chance at freedom, her once beautiful silky coffee colored hair now matted and obviously dirty flew behind her as she ran from her cruel captor.
A fictional seventeen year old guy named guy. A little hard to believe but fiction is a made up story. Your writing a fictional story using very little punctuation. Yes, just a few commas, no question marks some periods, no semicolons. This being the case your story is harder to determine what your feelings are as you tell your made up story.
Cute poem. We all live in a world that slows down for no one. Some of us look forward to the peace and quiet sleep brings. These days I awake each morning at about three. I'm retired and cold sleep until 10: if I wanted to, but no not me. To be truthful I have a lot of back pain and it seems to peak at 2:45 am. By the time I get up and take a pain pill I'm awake.
Your poem could use a little spit and polish but it's a good subject and has a lot potential.
A poem written like it reads; a trail of brown splintered wood connected by iron rail. Winding bending seemingly unending. Climbing to the horizon I've tried to follow.
Still I'm alone on a country road reading further weaving dipping unending through the trail of words; some unspoken but felt the just same.
Your poem needs to go further in my opinion. I'm not sure why but to me reading your piece felt more like a journey.
A poem written like it reads; a trail of brown splintered wood connected by iron rail. Winding bending seemingly unending. Climbing to the horizon I've tried to follow.
Still I'm alone on a country road reading further weaving dipping unending through the trail of words; some unspoken but felt the just same.
Your poem needs to go further in my opinion. I'm not sure why but to me reading your piece felt more like a journey.
Good poem, but seems like there should be more to come. The story told by this poem hasn't made the circle. This could be a great poem. It's up to you strengthen those walls of faith or not; its your poem.
Your poem is repetitive but so much like many of us. We wake up with the reality that we have made a mess of our existence. Some of us don't find the way out until we have damaged ourselves and others almost beyond redemption. Our gracious Father in heaven who beyond our understanding loves us, and provided his only Son to be our Savior, to take our sin and stand in our place of punishment for us. He Jesus and the Father have started a work in you, I know he will be sure to finish.
Nice poem. Your first sentence caught my eye. You left out the word "the" in the second line. There is really nothing wrong with leaving it out except that it stopped me and left me thinking that there was something missing. The next sentence provokes thought. "Passing the barren land with white of failure all around, I hurtle down the path in search of an avenue where pine trees are abound". I was stopped again in thought, trying to understand what motivated the poem. Even the title didn't seem to give away the motive of the poem.
Well I'll come back and read it again to see if its meaning jumps out at me in the next reading.
Good poem, good subject. The first line of the second stanza makes no sense. "Time goes on reminds the clock." Maybe this line should be thought out a little better. You could just use a semicolon between the on and reminds. Time goes on; reminds the clock. That might work. Its up to you, it's your poem.
I like your poem. I think if the truth were known though your friends hold you in much higher esteem than you think. As for us guys when we're young our confidence level isn't always what it should be. We don't ask girls like you to a dance or the movies for fear of rejection. It's always the dorky kid that knows he's got nothing to lose that gets to dance with you because he's not afraid of rejection. Strange world isn't it.
Your poem is dark and frightful, but it doesn't have to be. You were created by a gracious God who knows you and all you did that you think will keep you out of Heaven. That is a lie of the evil one, satin also known as the father of lies. Jesus Christ, God's own Son Sent to earth to pay for your sins and mine. He has already paid for your sins and his redemption is a gift to you; but you must accept his gift of forgiveness.
God loved you so much that he gave his only begotten son that you might have life everlasting John 3-16. This may sound too simple but all you must do is get down on your knees and tell our gracious God that you have sinned and that you now acknowledge the fact that Jesus Christ gave his life for you and his gift of blood covers your sin. Tell God that you accept his gift of forgiveness.
If you have a Bible read the book of John. Chapter 3 "The New Birth" covers your salvation. Next find a Church that preaches the Bible "God's Word". If I can be of any help let me know.
You are gifted by God with the gift of encouragement. Yes we as a country have seen many leaders come and go, unfortunately we are sadly in need of a leader. The over abundance of blind followers has us in a bit of a tailspin. The question is, are there any real leaders left out there? Keep encouraging and writing Robert.
Good poem. Life is precious even to us that are closer to its end than its beginning. Some of us believe this life is only a path to another, not that we should waste this life so prized. Our life should be an example for those that follow. Our God is eternal and so we are.
Friendship a good subject. It seems your friendship was new and hadn't stood the test of time. In your first stanza the third comma should have been a period as the statement has been made. A new sentence something like this: One bump in the road and now a friendship is in distress.
The next stanza you make a statement but use a question mark. I'm not sure what your question is. It seems to me that you need to read the poem out loud listening as if you've never herd the poem before. I think you have a good start on a good poem, it just needs some tweaking.
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