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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cliffjack
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76 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the concept, and I may be wrong, but the problem seems to be that the “reward” is in the wrong direction.
If they do it right, they have another life and have to do it all again, if they fail, they get to go to the the wonderful ancient place forever? That seems backwards.
Good luck!
Jacky
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Review of Valhalla Denied  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was riveted as I read this. I usually don't fall so fast into old times nor fantasy so this was delightful. You did something very few in this genre do to me, catching my attention in the first paragraphs, making it impossible for me to decide not to finish reading. (a bad habit of mine... if I don't get hooked right away I immediately read the end, then unless it's very intriguing I'm afraid I just toss it aside..) You left me wanting more!
Great writing!
Jacky
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can see this as a children's book if you broke each line into facing pages
One sparkling snowflake sings then on opposite page: "Catch me if you can."
Very sing-songy!
Good Luck!
Jacky
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! I wanted more! You are very creative.
Jacky
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is enchanting! I love ever moment of it, I hope you write more.
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Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a fantastic story, a well written remembrance of family life. Of course, brought me right back to that sick feeling of suddenly realizing you don't know where your child is. (I actually drove around town once till I found my seventeen year old daughter's car because she didn't answer her phone! She's thirty two, I still haven't told her...)

The only criticism I would like to make is that it would be easier to read if you put a space between the paragraphs. I found myself holding up a sheet of paper under the sentence I was reading because it was so squeezed together and I kept losing my place.

I look forward to your work in the future!
Jacky
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Review of Five-Finger Moore  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is awesome!
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I got it. Age 67. Do they still read Tom Sawyer in school?? That would be the cinch, I can't see many reading it these days just because they happened upon it. I wonder if there's a modern day term for the con, I'm certain there are still people who are experts at it!
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (3.0)
Intriguing but confusing. I do think it could easily be expanded. I would drop the beginning and start where Len has been running for hours. The beginning does set up the location, but just confuses the story. You could set up the location after we start with Len running, and just lose the extraneous story with Amanda (unless she is coming back for a reason and needs to be introduced?)

I also would like more hints as to their background as former friends. And also, some hint as to why Peter has been actually moving, even to another country, to hide from Len now. It's almost like we're reading in the middle of a book here, but in reality we never got to read the beginning. It's a wonderful start!
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Review of Shaman's Trance  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really liked the premise of this! I was a bit confused at where it went. After the word "Silence!" I lost my way. I went back sorting out who said what but still did not understand the end. Believe me, I am not the most adept at understanding poetry! However, I was so intrigued in the beginning I thought you might appreciate knowing where a non-poetic person got lost. Still, really liked it.
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Review by Jacky
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Good gosh! I hope this is something you will expand! It's mesmerizing. Too short to be really understood, but long enough to generate serious curiosity.
I'm impressed! (And with a prompt that actually irritated me…don't tell…)
Nice Writing!
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Review of I Will Not Weep  
Review by Jacky
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I think it is very good! I am an end reader (read a paragraph or two at the beginning, then skip to the end to see if it's worth reading.) It was! I found it flowed from a casual conversation (like I thought maybe with someone in a coma?) to the real story very well, and slowly enough to keep my attention the whole time.

I assume you are not from US from the "Petrol" "Hoover"and "Digestives." Being from the US, it threw me out of the story for a bit. It probably doesn't matter for what you are doing, but if you wanted it to be less confined geographically, you could probably change to more generic statements like "service station" and "cleaning the carpets" or things like that. Just a thought.

Good luck with your course! You seem to be a wonderful writer already.
Jacky

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Review of Mr. Bubbles  
Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I bet you ended this because of the word limit. This is really nice, sad and then turning it around in a very nice way for both characters. I hope you finish it for real now that you got this far through the contest. I think it's worth it.
Jacky
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Review of Have No Doubt  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is really lovely! It made my heart smile.
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Review of The $130 bill  
Review by Jacky
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
So sad, but I loved it.
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Review of SHADY SHADOW  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I loved this idea!! Very creative! I found it a little cumbersome to read, it is hard to do something so quickly, but it would be worth working out the bugs it's very unique. Or, you might write it into a wonderful little story, perhaps a picture book! All in all it is delightful.
Keep writing!
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Review of Worker Bees  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked this very much! It sounded kind of blog-y in that it's random deep thoughts, your thoughts today. The only thing that threw me out was when you changed from the "we" into the "I" with the sentence "It's so easy to slide back…" I would suggest either staying talking about "we" or switching it to you personally in a new paragraph maybe, or with some lead in so we go smoothly from deep thoughts to your personal take on it all.
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Review of Brand New Day  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good job on this prompt! I like your story very much!
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Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love it! I will fully admit, I was a little thrown by the prompt, but decided to at least give it a try. You nailed it! Your story unfolded exactly as it needed to in order to make it all fit together and fit the prompt perfectly. Bravo!
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Review of CALEB  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (3.0)
I've read this three times now. It confused me at first and then I came to realize it was probably in the middle of something that had already been told, or would unfold as we continued along. I liked Caleb's thoughts, I kept wondering about his former life and what he could be atoning for in his confused mind.
My suggestion would be to make a new paragraph at "Shortly before we approached …" so we understand immediately that "we" are people who know him well, and probably take care of him. I really like it.
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Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi!
I really liked your story! I loved the twist at the end. If I were to criticize, I would say not so many "this is like that" things. Because there were so many (and all really good ones, so hard to choose which to keep) I think it took away an impact that you would had gotten from them if there were not so many.
Also, I think you could have written the whole thing first person and gotten as big a laugh, if not bigger out of the end, from me anyway. Loved it!
Jacky
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was truly moved by this story. Thank you for sharing.
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