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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cliffjack
Review Requests: ON
74 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Blink  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this very much. A start, intriguing, a middle almost confusing but leading you on, and then a wonderful end, tying it all up into a lovely tiny package.
Thank you!
Jacky
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2
Review of Valhalla Denied  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was riveted as I read this. I usually don't fall so fast into old times nor fantasy so this was delightful. You did something very few in this genre do to me, catching my attention in the first paragraphs, making it impossible for me to decide not to finish reading. (a bad habit of mine... if I don't get hooked right away I immediately read the end, then unless it's very intriguing I'm afraid I just toss it aside..) You left me wanting more!
Great writing!
Jacky
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3
Review of Inheritance  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.5)
Not where you meant to go, but it went to a pretty neat place!
Jacky
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4
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can see this as a children's book if you broke each line into facing pages
One sparkling snowflake sings then on opposite page: "Catch me if you can."
Very sing-songy!
Good Luck!
Jacky
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5
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! I wanted more! You are very creative.
Jacky
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6
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is enchanting! I love ever moment of it, I hope you write more.
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7
Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a fantastic story, a well written remembrance of family life. Of course, brought me right back to that sick feeling of suddenly realizing you don't know where your child is. (I actually drove around town once till I found my seventeen year old daughter's car because she didn't answer her phone! She's thirty two, I still haven't told her...)

The only criticism I would like to make is that it would be easier to read if you put a space between the paragraphs. I found myself holding up a sheet of paper under the sentence I was reading because it was so squeezed together and I kept losing my place.

I look forward to your work in the future!
Jacky
8
8
Review of Five-Finger Moore  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is awesome!
9
9
Review of Carlie's Wish  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (3.0)
Please know that I am just a lover of writing and reading and my opinions are just opinions with no professional background so please take with a grain of salt. This is an intriguing story and I believe you could make it better with a little work. I love that Carlie wants to fly, and that she gets her wish.
*The first thing needing explaining, even to a child, is Harry's wings. Is it a magical farm? Is Harry magical? Carlie envies the birds, why does she not envy her friend Harry the horse who also can fly around?
*Secondly, Carlie thinks everyone else is important except her, but later we find out that she knows that kids like Jasper need her milk so she is important. So either she knows but doesn't consider it as important as her friend's contributions in the beginning, or she needs to find out in a bigger way when she does find out. Like she could overhear Jasper's mother telling him how important it is for him to drink his milk or something.
*Third, how did Carlie get her wings? More magic? A fairy's wish?
*Fourth, Michael down the road is a mystery. Perhaps just say Georgette the goat is still helping the kids who need her special milk.
*Lastly, for kids you might simplify a bit. Less explanation of things that don't contribute to the story, and also maybe always call the friends by their animal name too Henry the horse, Georgette the goat, so the kids wouldn't need to try and remember who they were.

I apologize for this being so long but I thinK you have a neat idea and would like to see you smooth it out.
Good luck!


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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
I got it. Age 67. Do they still read Tom Sawyer in school?? That would be the cinch, I can't see many reading it these days just because they happened upon it. I wonder if there's a modern day term for the con, I'm certain there are still people who are experts at it!
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Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Absolutely wonderful!! I had no idea where you were going with it and enjoyed every minute getting there! I found absolutely nothing wrong with it so I can't give you any helpful fixing hints, you nailed it!
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (3.0)
Intriguing but confusing. I do think it could easily be expanded. I would drop the beginning and start where Len has been running for hours. The beginning does set up the location, but just confuses the story. You could set up the location after we start with Len running, and just lose the extraneous story with Amanda (unless she is coming back for a reason and needs to be introduced?)

I also would like more hints as to their background as former friends. And also, some hint as to why Peter has been actually moving, even to another country, to hide from Len now. It's almost like we're reading in the middle of a book here, but in reality we never got to read the beginning. It's a wonderful start!
13
13
Review of Shaman's Trance  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really liked the premise of this! I was a bit confused at where it went. After the word "Silence!" I lost my way. I went back sorting out who said what but still did not understand the end. Believe me, I am not the most adept at understanding poetry! However, I was so intrigued in the beginning I thought you might appreciate knowing where a non-poetic person got lost. Still, really liked it.
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Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is beautiful. I worked with teachers for many years and I knew some who did it for the job… and then the ones who did it for the kids. People never give them enough credit. I used to hear "Short hours, the summer off…" they had no idea how much time and effort and soul these teachers put in every day.

I think you did a wonderful job setting up the scene in the classroom, and the thoughts of the teacher as she dealt with each child. Of course, then I cried at the post!

Lovely writing!
Jacky
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Review by Jacky
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Good gosh! I hope this is something you will expand! It's mesmerizing. Too short to be really understood, but long enough to generate serious curiosity.
I'm impressed! (And with a prompt that actually irritated me…don't tell…)
Nice Writing!
16
16
Review of I Will Not Weep  
Review by Jacky
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I think it is very good! I am an end reader (read a paragraph or two at the beginning, then skip to the end to see if it's worth reading.) It was! I found it flowed from a casual conversation (like I thought maybe with someone in a coma?) to the real story very well, and slowly enough to keep my attention the whole time.

I assume you are not from US from the "Petrol" "Hoover"and "Digestives." Being from the US, it threw me out of the story for a bit. It probably doesn't matter for what you are doing, but if you wanted it to be less confined geographically, you could probably change to more generic statements like "service station" and "cleaning the carpets" or things like that. Just a thought.

Good luck with your course! You seem to be a wonderful writer already.
Jacky

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Review of Mr. Bubbles  
Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I bet you ended this because of the word limit. This is really nice, sad and then turning it around in a very nice way for both characters. I hope you finish it for real now that you got this far through the contest. I think it's worth it.
Jacky
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Review of Order Please!  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
Perfect! I enjoyed your poem so much, and agreed with it even more!
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19
Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You made me cry. I never read things if I know ahead they are going to be sad, but you had me hooked by the time I figured it out and I couldn't stop.
I truly loved your descriptions of Jack's thoughts about things. When you called his owner "his person" in Jack's mind, I was in love.
I'm glad I didn't miss reading this.
Jacky
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Review of Have No Doubt  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is really lovely! It made my heart smile.
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21
Review of The $130 bill  
Review by Jacky
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
So sad, but I loved it.
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22
Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I loved your story today. It brought tears to my eyes at the end. I really liked getting to know Mary and the way she was thinking about all that had happened and where she was today. Both my parents passed away, but having two children of my own and many friends in Mary's position I often think about how it all works and feels, and what if I was the parent one day? Your story made me feel good for both Mary and Mary's Dad, both coping well with a situation that can not be controlled.
I hope it is fiction for you, but if it is true you are doing a wonderful job.
Jacky
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Review of SHADY SHADOW  
Review by Jacky
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I loved this idea!! Very creative! I found it a little cumbersome to read, it is hard to do something so quickly, but it would be worth working out the bugs it's very unique. Or, you might write it into a wonderful little story, perhaps a picture book! All in all it is delightful.
Keep writing!
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Review of One Solution  
Review by Jacky
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Bravo! I looked at it and couldn't even begin to sort it out in my mind!
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Review of Dark Energy  
Review by Jacky
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Good gosh Eric this is amazing! I hope you expand, a book a series? I'm amazed that you ever get a good night's sleep if this is what comes out of your brain on this small a prompt! I am a new fan!
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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cliffjack