Hi! Sherri Q here beginning to meet my reviewing obligations.  I will be posting this story in the Fantasy Review Room as well, so perhaps others will read, rate and review.
Overall, a nice story. I like the theme and message about how things aren't always what they seem. This story has some magic of it's own. I like the narrative style, but with this style is the whole "telling" thing. I could see this working well with pictures to accompany it. Otherwise, what needs to happen is for the narrarator to step out of the picture after introducting the story. This way the reader can step into the story. A narrarator will keep the reader at arms length.
Reading into the story, the first thing I notice is a need for clarification. The story starts out with the cat. Then her companion the horse is mentioned. And since the horse is the last mentioned, the reader assumes you continue talking about the horse. But down father I realized you were talking about the cat. I had to go back and re-read, and was still confused on who was being ridiculed in the villages (fleas, rocks thrown, etc).
Throughout the story, only the old cat is mentioned. Does she have a name? By calling her old cat the entire time, it creates an air of mystery, which is nice. The horse doesn't appear until the end, so I wonder if the horse is necessary. I think for the horse to remain, he should play some sort of role in the story. It was not clear until the end of the story that he was pulling the cart.
Character development: The horse could be developed. There's virtually no development on him.
The old cat is described pretty well, although I do not know what color her fur is. I got a picture of an orange cat. Perhaps mention that. The cat isn't really developed until towards the end of the story, which is appropriate to keep the mystery. But you could go into more of her feelings of rejection as she travelled through the villages. Make us feel what she feels. Changing the viewpoint of the story would help - getting it out of the narrarator mode.
The following are things I noticed about wordings and sentence structure. My comments are in red.
He appeared to be quite blind, and often stumbled into the potholes that everywhere filled the road.
Was he partially blind, or was he just clumsy? Perhaps restating the sentence would give it more strength. The use of “everywhere” in the sentence is awkward. Try this:
"He was mostly blind and often stumbled into potholes that filled the road."
As often as not, the villagers avoided her, dirty, shabby old thing.
That is awkward and sounds like they avoided her thing and not her. Try rephrasing:
"The villagers mostly avoided her since she was dirty, shabby and old. "
OR
"The villagers saw her as dirty, shabby and old, and made efforts to avoid her."
Watch for redundancy. I understand the language, but when reading, it’s better to say things once.
In one village some eager young boycats threw rocks at her, and laughed when they hit her, laughed at her tears, as she hobbled through that village, not even trying to sell her bouquets.
I suggest: "In one village, a group of eager young boy cats hurled rocks at her, and laughed at her tears. She hobbled through the village, not attempting to sell her bouquets."
Occasionally she would come to a village where the inhabitants were more tolerant or perhaps not quite so blind.
In this sentence, leaving out “perhaps” will make it stand stronger. Words like perhaps, maybe, quite, sense and seem are unstable. They give the reader a sense of having to guess. Readers need stability. These words can be left out without any harm to the sentence.
They came from her garden in the castle by the sea, and each flower had its own special faerie. Faeries who were filled with magic and who would happily grant you a wish.
These sentences either need to be joined or re-worded. The second sentence is a fragment.
Suggestion:
"They came from her garden in the castle by the sea. Each flower had its own special faerie who would happily grant you a wish."
(Magic has already been established previously and there’s no need to mention it again).
No sooner would the old cat be gone then the young House Cat would admire her bouquet, and think to herself, “What a lovely bouquet. I only wish I had a feast as lovely as it is.”
A little awkward. I would change the last 3 words “as it is” to “to match” or simply “as this.”
Then the young House Cat would run through the village.
“Then” can be left out. It is implied it happens next.
8th paragraph down: This paragraph gives you an opportunity to really pull the reader in. So far the story has been like a narrative. I feel like you are telling me a story. This is your chance to let the reader step in and really be a part of the story. How I see this story so far, is one of a children’s book that would be accompanied by graphics. You have some description, but have not pulled the reader into the world you’ve created. This paragraph can be re-written to become vibrant, colorful and exciting. Here’s an example of creating a more vibrant scene:
After the old cat left, the House Cat admired her beautiful bouquet of lilies and roses. “They smell so wonderful,” she beamed. “And the pink and red hues are lovely! I wish I had a grand feast to match the beauty of the bouquet!”
As soon as the words were spoken, an elaborate banquet was spread upon the table, complete with candleabras and elegant silverware! The astonished House Cat marveled and ran out of the house telling everyone she saw, “Stop that old cat! Buy her bouquets! They are magic!”
Same thing with the Grand Cat and dancing. Create a scene so we can actually hear the music he’s playing as he dances. Describe the dance he’s doing. Describe the joy in his heart being able to move like a kitten again. Let us feel what he is feeling.
But too late!
This sentence isn’t really needed, since the next sentence says the same thing in different words.
She gazed out to sea, remembering a time that now seemed lost forever.
Did you realize that sentence is in a different color? Just checking.
It was a beautiful and magical time. A time when she had danced in the moonlight with her true love.
Combine these sentences to avoid a fragment:
It was a beautiful and magical time when she danced in the moonlight with her true love.
Leaving out words like “obviously” or extra words like “that,” “then” or “so” would bring your story together easier. I would discourage starting too many sentences with “and,” or “or.” A basic rule is to read the sentence without those words. If it works and makes sense without it, drop it. This isn’t the case always, but it’s a good general rule to follow. It will tighten up your story and make it easier to read.
A very nice story overall. I love the concept and ideas. You have a lot of creativity! I look forward to reading more of your writings!
~Sherri Q
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