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203 Public Reviews Given
203 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I focus on SPaG and in-line problems. Passive vs Active. Not too good with the telling and showing, but I'll point out awkward lines, give you SUGGESTIONS to how it could be written better. The good, the bad, what worked, what didn't. Just look at my other reviews to get the gist of what I do.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Adventure, I'll actually try anything usually
Least Favorite Genres
Maybe not Sci-fi. I don't know, it seems I just don't like reading them, especially the space opera, scientific ones
Favorite Item Types
Short Story, a chapter
Least Favorite Item Types
LONG PIECES... even though I want mine to be reviewed and some can get long
I will not review...
Overly long pieces. Like those mounted thousands. One or two I'm good, but any more and I start fraying at the edges.
Public Reviews
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this. IT has some problems with wording, dialogue, and commas, but they don't detach from the story. I liked the way it was written, a close look into her life. Her explaining thing, which usually gets boring but I liked it.

A few things: how old is she? In college?

Commas: with that, when I finished school, for spring break-- delete comma between school and for.

My foster mom once said to me "Yada, yada..." Comma before the dialogue.

Some awkward phrasing: yet sometimes I think that;

Occasionally our minds, they believe that they're in a world of their own, so because of this, they want to fight against us. --- that could be simplified into: occasionally our minds believe they're in a world of their own, so they try to fight against us.

Just my opinion. But really, great stuff, really enjoyed it as a whole. Keep at it! Good work!
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Review of Divergent Dilemma  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really liked it. That first line, though, that comma I think could be delete. Just kinda messed me up when I go by it.

When Viedt grins in the middle of him speaking, I don't really know how to format that either, when action happens in between dialogue, but I do think the She smeared should be lower cased. Also, why would he say that and Agent Talbot not react to that? ........ And now I think I understand. So, the Agency gave her the card, but in actuality Talbot let Viedt write in it with invisible ink so he could get his message across without breaking that rule. Smart... Very, very smart. Took me a second read to figure that out, unless I'm wrong about that. Anyway, cool piece, interesting, and obviously has more going on. Good job!
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Review of Waiting Room  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This isn't bad. I can read the tension in the words, and the way the character acts, but I few things are missing. Like, well, his name for one, and the whole description of him being desperate for money isn't mentioned at all. If that was a bigger part you might want to put that in there. Like, just do for the money. Stop being a baby, you're getting paid, as some internal dialogue topump himself up.

Also, when he realizes the thumping is behind the door and is again plunged into darkness, the lights didn't come back on so they can't possibly go out again if they were already out to begin with, and he couldn't se the photo of her tied up and dead in the chair if the lights weren't on.

Also, there was a me when it should've been a my. And it's a little passive in areas like: The lights are not turning on and my heart is hammering in my chest. The lights aren't turning on, and my hear hammers in my chest. Just small things to make it seem real. Someone scared wont elongate a sentence but instead shorten it with isn't instead of is not, don't instead of do not.

But, I really liked it. I was curious about what was going on, what would happen, everything really. It's an interesting idea. Keep at it!
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Well, you have countless mistakes here. Tense issues, dialogue issues, capitalization, plot issues, a lot of problems that talking them all would be a huge feat.

One thing, though, you have a pretty good imagination. Your descriptions were great on the goblins, and how the burning city looked. Good in that.

The problems... You said that he noticed they were goblins, and then at the ending he wonder what those creatures were. Don't name them unless he knows what they are.

Something was up with you capitilization. Like.. Cut them all off. Only the names, titles, first letter... A few other rules, but those three are important for your piece right there. Keep those three things capitilized.

Also, the goblins name and his name are kinda similiar. I thought they were the same. Change it up a bit, eapecially in the beginning. Their names blend a bit.

But, get some real fix on that punctuation, grammar, all that, and you'll have the right vessel to move your story along. You already have the description, conflict, bad guy, all of that down. Now the nitty gritty of writing
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.5)
The title got me interested because it's one I considered myself for a few works. Your writing is good, certainly above average, with only a few kinks like the description of her: I took at deep- a instead of at. Maybe it's the third person evaluation of herself, but it's odd.

A few other odd sentences, added quotations, and stuff. Dialogue: "Hi," he said- comma, lowercase. Or: "Hi!" he said- lower case

The thing that really brought this down for me was all the telling. There's bo action to draw you in. It's al... History, what happened then, gossip, now, but nothing is really happening. There is no story here. I would say jump into the action. Jump into something because this isn't going to pull many in. I personally trudged through it, skimmed most of the descriptions, background. Try to add that stuff in throughout. You don't need to tell us about the mom coming home late, leaving early, or why they left and came back, at least not now. You can add them in ounce by ounce, not all at once. You have talent, but you're not bringing us into the story. Too much background info. Keep writing!
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Review by B-T
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is pretty good. I don't know how long you'll try to keep up with the second person narrating deal you have going on, but I like it. Gives it a stalker feel. Really, nice work. One thing, though, is it a girl or a guy? The stalker feel gives me the impression it's a girl, but the Guinness mustache... I'm not one for drinks... is Guinness a drink? and she got a like milk mustache? Or he cleaned his own mustache. Anyway, didn't bother me.

So... the end confused me, which maybe was the point. The black stuff, don't know what that is, but I'm guess he or she was locked out of their house? A romance struggle? Guessing because that's one of the labels right next to writing. But all in all, I think you should continue it. It would be cool to see who the narrator is.
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Review of Them  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
Being a perpetrator, my friends understand your pain. I didn't really like the kissing and the holding hands out in public, but he did. He was a very touchy feely boyfriend. Anyway, good poem. I liked the change of format when your sentences spanned more than one line. I don't know if it was intentional, but I liked it anyway. It's not a style I personally like a lot, but I understood it. The feeling was there, especially in that gouge my eyes out part, nice imagery, and feeling. It all mingled. The one you like doing the gouging, adds a certain spice to the whole kick ya when you're down.
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I don't remember, did I already review you? But anyway, I read both pieces and the first one was most definitely better. This one had slight mistakes, and wasn't as engaging when I read it. Of course, I read through it all and would continue reading, but as the first one would get five stars this one barely hung to a four. I read it awhile ago, though, so I can't really give examples. Mainly typos, maybe descriptions. But all in all, I would continue reading because I'm interested enough to, so good job! Keep at it!
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Review of Finding Meat  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Have you seen Warm Bodies? That's taken from a zombies perspective too, except on that one he finds love and all that...

Now on to yours. The story is nice, and I can see you are a story teller, except you don't know the craft that well. Punctuation, grammar, all that you are lacking in. You have so many commas everywhere and half of them don't need to be there.

---Without a thought, she picked it up and put it in her mouth, to her, it just felt like the right thing to do, no questions asked, she chewed on it and blankly looked into the fire.---

This one: put it in her mouth. To her, it felt like the right thing to do. No questions asked. She chewed on it and blankly looked into the fire.

See? I'm pretty sure you can use a ; somewhere along the lines, but eh, start with the basics, right? Also, I deleted the just, whch normally don't have much of a purpose unless it's for voice.

Oh, Dialogue:
"Hello, my name is Me," I said.

"Oh, hello, Me," you said. Do you see? Even if you did whispered or muttered or any of that, you lowercase it if it follows dialogue. A few other fixes too, like the word quiet which is repeated often could be switched out sometimes, but all in all it was a pretty decent story
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Review of I Was Falling  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the set up of events. The story that' building and the character, even though she doesn't seem very depressed to me. A few things, though: when someone speaks you don't capitalize the he said she said. It's only: "Hi," he said, no upper case, onlu lower case unless you don't do the he said she said and end it.

"Hi." I waved.

Just a little lessen and also, in the beginning the first two paragraphs messed me up. In both of them you use the term the first thing... I felt... I sensed... if she does black out again maybe you should make that more clear when transitioning scenes. I think you can get rid of that second: That's the first thing I sensed. But that's my opinion.

Word choice needs some improvement, like the: Doctors were spilling around me... that doesn't make much sense. Doctors were working around me, rushing, bustling, freaking, I don't know, but spilling doesn't seem right.

Also, you repeat several facts over, like he doesn't have a face, or... well, words. You repeat a lot of words. But all in all, I enjoyed it and the story you're creating
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Review of Ghost  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
It's = it is, so most of the incidents you have it's, it's supposed to be its.

It has claws instead of nail-- nails

He waited for most--- I don't get this. He waited for most? What does that even mean?

And thanked it to me--- so he said thanks? It's odd wording but if he did say thanks then it contradicts with the last line without even saying a word.

I found your poem fun to read and free spirited. I liked it and several of the rhythms used. You did a good job with it other then what I pointed up above and I few other awkward phrasing. Good job and keep at it!
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
The potential is pretty good, but it needs work formatting and you need to expand your word choices, and catch up on your grammar.

Lennox thought quickly---- quickly is repeated again in: she quickly pulled down.

of the dusty abandoned house--- which is repeated in: behind a dusty empty shelf.

Also:New paragraph "Here!" she whispered--- lower case she.

And Lennox COMMA hearing loud footsteps COMMA covered her best friend APOSTROPHE s (Friend's) mouth.

A new person entering into the conversation, like the baddy with the "Damn, lost them!" Needs a new paragraph. So, anyway, the story sounds good, but grammar is lacking. It's not a bad story, so keep up with it and touch up on it grammar wise and don't repeat so much.
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought this was pretty funny. I've never heard of this and have been getting bored of the games, but now, maybe, I wont be. If I dot his, of course... it sounds fun, though. I'll give it a shot. Good read! And RIP for Boony.
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Review of Dragons' Vale  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sunlight flowed through the trees illuminating the evergreens standing like giant sentries on either side of the narrow road--- this line is awkward. It's the illuminating the evergreens standing ikegaint... It's like two separate pieces paired together. Maybe a comma? Idk.

I really enjoyed this so I completely want you to elongate it. I would like more explanation, description of the people, the whole nine yards. I like as it is, other than the fact I believe the ending could be so expanded on. Like... more of a struggle and a internal fight... Anyway, so continue and good job
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really like it. I tried to find a few things wrong, nit pick through it, but I decided against it really because they are stretches. Only word choice or spelling

I thought it was funny and a nice twist on the tale. Snow with the white Aura... 7 small people, I broke a smile. Keep at it!
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
is it supposed to be begun? I don't know, that always messes me up. Anyway, I came to review it because I make Vegas my residency. It's a nice poem, but I was out of state from August into September. It was hot where I was.

Also: Is that comma before Las Vegas necessary?

I liked it. I personally loved the lines: Tourist in tummer attire shiver Unhappy about the wind chill factor. Good work
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Review of Shin  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
--illuminated by the only moon--- I think you are trying to tell us there's only one moon for this planet? People will assume that already so I don't think you need to so instead do by the moon

---a couru over--- an extended jump? It keeps giving me French when I try to search it up

--- disgusting” said Thally ---- disgusting," said Thally.

You have some pretty nice description here. It really paints a picture, but it's lacking in real characterization. In the first two paragraphs you give us description after description. Just facts, like she did this, then this happened. An animal broke free from the water. She checked the clock. Something is missing here. There's no connection to the main character. She doesn't have a struggle or a reason for getting up, I know it's still early on, but she's not a person yet. There's no motivation.
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
It doesn't sound bad, but it does sound long. If you start it when she's twelve and work up then it'll be a huge book, unless you split it up, but then you would need a few different plots and conflicts. Every book would need its own arc.

I wrote something with the MC like this. Zol is the Shadow in my WIP and he's just like yours, like practically identical with no shape, no memories, no nothing. Even his name isn't his. Anyway, a subplot is finding out who he is. So write it! I'd like to read it. One thing, though, figure out how long you want this and if it's going to be one book, or split into her stages of life.
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Review of Wolf Quest  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really loved it I have a soft spots for wolves. Maybe I should drop .5 because they didn't make it? Anyway, the one thing that can go wihout are the two commas in the whole piece. I don't think you specifically need the glory, she. just glory she sounds okay to me. The other one... wel if it's the only one why not delete it, you know?

Good job either way! Really enjoyed the tale
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Review of Anime Marathon  
Review by B-T
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
My sisters and I would od something similar like this with detective Conan. That was so long ago, though, but it was fun. SUper fun and great memories we laugh about now.

Anyway, I read this a few nights ago on my phone and now I decide to finally comment on it. What I think you might be missing is the time you starts this, unless you have it there and I just skimmed over it. Like, you do a twenty four hour thing from midnight to midnight. Dawn to dusk or dusk to dawn.

I think this was fun. I mean, I would be the real marathon runner, but serious fun. Keep at it!
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Review of Columns & Rows  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
like the child used to be.--- like the child I used to be?

Let me guess... the father was drafted or something? He went off to war and now the son had to become the dad? I hope I pegged it. At first I was rooting for the boy to go join up, but that didn't seem to be the case the more I read on. The story is fine and descriptions are nice, but it gets confusing. ABout who's talking about who. WHat's really going on
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
----sun rays slowly backed down our bodies--- backed down our bodies? This doesn't give a clear description. Is it like.... washed over? Slowly faded from our bodies?

---The seconds just swept by--- the just is weak, deleted it and the sentence strengthens

---The clock slowly ticking away...-- Many people have commented to me about -ing. I love them, but I try to avod them in edits. I think it sounds better clock slowly ticked away

---With each breath I could inhale his musky sweaty fragrance mixed with my Burberry perfume---- Delete the could and add ed to inhale.

--- His fingers slowly circled the back of my neck---- third time you used slowly up to this point. I like nap of neck as a better description.... haha that's truly just my opinion

--- occasionally when they slid down my spine, they would send small currents through my whole body – my body shivering a little in response.--- a little wordy think. But again, just my opinion.

---being intimate and touching every inch of each other, easily finding our ways around our bodies as if we had practiced these maneuvers a million times in the past--- like this line a lot.

--- fleeting moment of time – this moment where our fingers moved just a little, this moment where the darkness outside failed to hide our merged silhouette, this moment whose warmth engulfed our bodies and my soul, this very moment seemed more intimate that the passionate intimacy offered by the past hour.---- The repeats of this moment slow it down I think:

fleeting moment of time-- the moment where our fingers moved just a little, where the darkness outside failed to hide our merged silhouette (Love this description), whose warmth engulfed our bodies and my soul (Whose warmth? Confusing)-- this very moment THAN....


SOme little more touch ups you could do, but I really liked this. The last line was pretty good. I wanted to know more of the relationship, if the other guy knew about it, if not how does her react to the message? Stuff like that, so keep at it
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Review by B-T
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Haha that was really cute. It went through your day with ease. I hope you won. Seriously enjoyed, gave me a little smile when I was having a bad day. I can't think of anything you should improve on in it. The line you said sound forced did sound forced to me. I'm guessing you meant it that way...

Keep at it!
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice little poem. I understand the perspective of a pear being so valuable and not wanting it bc it had to have cost a fortune... But then again... It was a good poem.

Two lines i think need worked on:

My family don't have any money. =my family doesn't have any money.

And: money, careers and clothes, maybe instead: money, clothes and careers.

Good job!
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.5)
---- the durian is an offensive fruit and people can be heavily fined if they brought ----- if they bring

----When a durian is sliced in two, pick a yellow fruit and tear its soft fleshy creamy texture with your hands and let it melt in your mouth--- the pick a yellow fruit messes me up. It doesn't go with the line before it. Do you get what I mean?

---want to mess the home---- want to mess up the home

Anyway, I thought this was very informative even if some sentences left me at a lost. I learned a lot about the fruit and kinda now want to try it, but I don't want to smell like gas.

Keep at it!
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