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203 Public Reviews Given
203 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I focus on SPaG and in-line problems. Passive vs Active. Not too good with the telling and showing, but I'll point out awkward lines, give you SUGGESTIONS to how it could be written better. The good, the bad, what worked, what didn't. Just look at my other reviews to get the gist of what I do.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Adventure, I'll actually try anything usually
Least Favorite Genres
Maybe not Sci-fi. I don't know, it seems I just don't like reading them, especially the space opera, scientific ones
Favorite Item Types
Short Story, a chapter
Least Favorite Item Types
LONG PIECES... even though I want mine to be reviewed and some can get long
I will not review...
Overly long pieces. Like those mounted thousands. One or two I'm good, but any more and I start fraying at the edges.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 ... Next
51
51
Review of Adapt part 1  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
This sin't a story right now. There's no conflict going on, and the character isn't defined yet. We have an age, no gender or physical appearance. The writing is well done, though, you just need to get to the heart of the story, the problem, the setting, the conflict. You talk about death, about a female, you have some background on the MC, but there's still no real story.

It's not bad, but people will get bored real quick without the story part not added
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52
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
Not bad, but I would prefer more of a story. One time you bring it to third person when you say Dani thought, when it's all in first person. Like, by a story, I would like more descriptions on the events and the part with Atlas was hard to follow. That sections needs clearing up. Spaced a part and more description would help, I think
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53
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Haha weird was correct! You did put allot for a lot, so check that. The only problem I can see is it doesn't have a story to it, but that's how it's supposed to be, I bet. Haha really I enjoyed, the song I was listening to was very like.. Deep man, and it made me read this deeply too. Great combination because it doesn't have a deep meaning. Good still, though. Funny, and I think you did your job
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Review of Fait Accompli  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I didn't read it all, I don't have the time, but what I caught from your first paragraph was that you pile on the description. Your story gets lost in the words and the reader as to dig to find it. Not saying it doesn't create a nice picture, but it's too much, so tone it down a bit.
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Review of Earth  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (2.5)
The concept itself isn't bad. It sounds enjoyable, the people are good and all that. Description is done well, not really setting wise, but through other wises.

SPaG and tense is what kill it for me and some moments aren't at all understandable.

---The music style changed directions and slowed down. Hips and bodies swayed liked branches of a willow tree blowing in the breeze. I loved the song that was playing and started to sway myself as I still looked for Kenny. As a ship gets guided to shore by the light of a lighthouse, that's how I felt when I saw Kenny standing on the other side of the clearing. He was looking around as if trying to find someone. He must be looking for me smiling to myself I began to make my way to him. --- this is first person, everything else is third person. Since the rest is third you should change this to third as well.

The last line of that: He must be looking for me smiling to myself I began to make my way to him. It should be: He must be looking for me. Smiling to myself, I begun to make my way to him,

Let's look at this paragraph:
---- Evie feel PRESENT TENSE like she was PAST TENSE home. She had this overwhelming urge to take her shoes off and just walk barefoot. Of course COMMA she didn't because people would look at her like she's PRESENT TENSE: SHE IS crazy, and they might actually convince Kenny this time that what they say about me FIRST PERSON is PRESENT TENSE right.----

See? You switch tenses and point of views from third to first.
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56
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
---That it would only be remains by that hour was a certainty, though an unspoken one, by men whose throats bled from calling that name--- that is used a lot here- and I think it's a little awkward word usage. Maybe: It being only remains was a certainty, though an unspoken one (Really liked that part)

--- no use,thought--- space

---lighting up the dark wherever men were solemnly combing the Isle.F--- space at the end there and right now, this early on it seems like you're bogging the reader down with description and that wherever seems out of place to me.

---‘We can still find her Master Forkbeard--- find her COMMA MAster Forkbeard

--- He had seen hounds on the continents used the same way in search parties--- use, not used.

-- A murder of crows he thought--- of crows COMMA he thought

--‘I must see my wife.’ He muttered--- 'I must see my wife,' he muttered- you do this a few more times, put a period when it should be a comma

-- aswatered-down milk--- as watered-down milk

--inherited his big boned dragonfolk-- inherited his big boned COMMA dragonfolk

--‘Hush’ he said ‘hush now.’--- 'Hush," he said. "Hush now."

--helplessnessand--- space

--ur wife has to fear...’ she said to him, ‘It’s what is out there...’--- too many of these ... and they start losing their effect.

--In the distance lightning lit --- in the distance COMMA

--His father Griswald’s wizened -- this is an odd sentence. Doesn't really make sense to me

--‘where?’-- cap

And The Rookery is capitalized when you first mention it but then it becomes lowercase

--Heads will roll he swore and oath-- Heads will will, he swore an oath? I don't know what you're trying to say here.

--- slitted eye; ‘Is mine’--- no :, either a comma or period.

I don't really get the ending. WHat's wrong with her? Some other problems littered around with SPaG and such, and you use WAY too much description, like, you have to dig under all the words to find the story, the characters, everything because it's all over the place. With all the description, sometimes I lost track of what was going on, the significance, the people in the room, all of it.

I can't really connect tot he characters, either. Maybe because of the description, or something. I just couldn't feel for them. Maybe also the amount of characters present. You get lost trying to keep them all straight. It's better to only introduce a few, like the main two or something, but you have a lot of people mentioned here.
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I loved it. I thought it was really great. Like the ending and Ellie, she's a cool character. Somethings I think you should expand on though is this:

---“Of course it can be you. Falling from the Twin Towers — that’s no biggy for Judgement, all-American superhero, right?”

Judgement reached out and gripped her hand. “I want you to listen to me very carefully right now. My name is Jake Gallagher, and I am a librarian. I am not a superhero, and I most certainly am not all-American. I’m Irish, for God’s sake.”----

I think this went by too fast. Maybe more confusion like: "Wait, what? Judgement? Superhero?" - like, kind of expand on this part before he tells her he isn't Judgement. Gosh... I don't think I'm explaining myself well enough. Like, he doesn't make the connection that she's telling him he's a superhero, you get me?
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Review of Here Be Dragon  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was just going to give you some gift points and a 5 star rating, but no, it says I must review so.... great job!
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Review of SHE  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the poem, was a little confused as you moved on, with the She's. I'm guessing that was the inner beast you were talking about above inside the girl so great

Some lines confused me like:

---She's a demon, a freak...a devil!
She's an angel, but it's reel----

The reel confuses me and....

----She would be now happy and has anywhere to run.---- the:Has anywhere to run

Those two I would rewrite, but I liked your rhyme and story in the poem. It was catchy and well writted



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Review of Too much fiction  
Review by B-T
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Haha great! I'm just going to check out your port to see if those tales are there. Some dialogue problems, though, like no spacing between those commas, and no comma at the end, but really, the poem was funny, and entertaining. WIth those few fixes, this would've been a five. I guess you've just got to settle with a 4.5.

I wish I wrote poetry as good as you!
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Review of Stripped Vanity  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
------Water began to spill over my face and body, blinding my open eyes. I kicked and thrashed; he was still trying to grab my feet. Even though the rain pounded against my bare body,-------

In the beginning, is that the rain? Then I don't think spilling would work... Wait... is she running up and out of the basement? Maybe place her into some context of that if she is, like: In the darkness, I groped for something, anything to get me out. Finding the knob, I forced the door open and water cascaded over my body, blinding my eyes.....

---------- I walked briskly down the deck---------

A little subdued, don't you think. Oh, just taking a brisk walk through the park- Ah! is that the rare Blue Robin? Must snap a photo... Where's my camera! Oh, look at that, the man who's kidnapped me is closing in, but I need to take the photo. I must!

---------Where am I? Every time I tried to wipe the water away from my eyes, more water just replaced it. I had to find somewhere to hide until help came. I moved my hands around the vicinity and secured it on top of the railing.----------

This would be a great instance to add in more confusion, like: How long have I been trapped? Where am I exactly? It was as if the world was caught in a black vortex... and water... again? Maybe: More droplets just replace it

And, that end bit I don't quite understand, did she climb up it, or something?

----Now, I walked faster and faster and soon I found myself running, the feeling of freedom overwhelming my body. I had been locked in the bottom of the boat with that man forever, his hands ripping away at the privacy of my soul. Now I was free and there was no way I was going in the basement of the ship.------

How big is this boat? Maybe at the end, to cut back on the words, no way was I going back!

---myself flying over deck---- Over the deck? I don't know my boats, but I don't know what this means. I can't picture it in my head.

--------my frizzy hair and no matter how I tried to push his body away from mines, he continued to yearn for me. He wanted me forever, all to himself.-----------

Drop frizzy, you already mentioned that fact, and Mine, no S. I like the ending, that was nice

--------nearly fell into the furious waters------ I would prefer if you had below at the end of that


-----I yanked my body away from the man’s hands and flung the object, with my hands, in his direction. I felt a vibration go through my arms.----- the: With my hands, is unneeded, and I would like if you mentioned the rocking of the little side boat somewhere in their little tussle.

Wait... Wait... Is it the same boat, or a little small attached side thing... Now i'm confused. Did she not have to unattach it when she rowed away?


The end's nice, adding more to how much time had passed. I liked it, the ending really tied the piece together, all that. But, because she only recognized him by his smell, does that mean she was in the dark the whole time?
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62
Review of Eventually Morbid  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey, I liked it. It was well written, but sadly.... wrong. You see this here? (Me... maybe you... maybe a few others) Well, I'm sure one of us is going to become another Shakespeare. Our work'll span generations. It'll define the here and now! People will read it just for the hell of it because it's so great and magnificent.

Other than that, the italics freaked me out a bit... It was spoken for some, then thoughts for others, for the daughter and the father.
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63
Review of What The...?  
Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
-----Tommy shook his head and his shaggy mane of tawny hair flopped around his tanned face as he shrugged his broad shoulders------ Haha, do you see this? It's like description one after another, this sentence seems cluttered with it: his shaggy mane of TAWNY hair.... his TANNED face.... his BROAD shoulders. I read it and laughed. Maybe from the repetition of his, but I think it should be broken up


-----old grandfather with a beautiful ceremony and hundreds of fellow mourners, all of whom, it seemed ------

The beginning of that sentence alludes to a different ending, maybe do: grandfather at his beautiful ceremony with hundreds of fellow of mourner, all of whom.... and maybe drop the: It seemed.

------ Now they sat, staring at their ‘inheritance’ as it sat on the old table, bewildered and unhappy.------ Sat makes it sound repetitive here.


------causing a wave of long tawny hair to fall forward in a curtain------ Maybe, since it's a repeated description do: a wave of her own long tawny hair....

-------and tying it as she padded down----- either drop the and and add a comma or do tied


Hahah, I like the foreshadowing there! I caught it because I accidently skimmed ahead to read the ending as I was making my review. My eyes just read things.

It was cute.
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
----It was a cold dark night when ----- Kind of a generic beginning, don't you think? But anyway: cold, dark

-------screeching, I woke up quickly ------ period, not comma

------all I could see were the moonlights protruding in my bedroom through the wind pane------- All I could see was the moonlight protruding in my bedroom through the... window pane?

----- unexpected to happen, unfortunately ------ Unfortunately? I don't know... you sounded kind of pleased nothing happened

------The door was now a jar, like the church gates----- This just kind of leaves me hanging. Like the church gates of.... It's just kind of there at the end

Also, some of your wording seems off. Like a better word would make it flow, but I love nightmares. I absolutely adore them! This one sounds cool. I love the thrill of fear pulsing through my veins! The only problem I have with mine are Zombie nightmares. Those ones had no solutions. The world going through Hell and there's no escaping it. I still like going through them, except when I'm caught in perilous situations with no help, then I don't like it.

Anyway, If you want some help interpreting it I do have a book with dream symbols and all that. I'd have to find it, though. I could help you out.
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65
Review of Shaman's Trance  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
NIce. Really, I've seen it up once or twice, not touching it, just gliding my eyes across the title finding it interesting every time I did. ONe thing I do think you should change it the !? to only ! .

Also, I don't understand the repeat of more vastness. Anyway, good poem, keep at it
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm thinking some of the grammatical mistakes are supposed to be there because that's just Katt, but other times I don't think so. You Replace words, like , for m, or say something... I don't even know what. The other girl, the angel, she's not perfect either. You used the wrong their when you said it up there about them being trapped together. Anyway, you should reread it to make sure it all is what you meant to put.

I do like the concept, though
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67
Review of Bite of Vengeance  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hahah! I loved it! Really, it was cute and adorable. A little pug out for some sweet revenge for calling the dog sitter. It was a nice read. I guees if i had to give some view, the security part as you define her, maybe you can cut it and just put she, or if you must add it, add it when you first introduce her as the women walking beside him.
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68
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.0)
. We all shared a large room in a small almost empty mansion that was reported haunted. To that I laugh, Ha Ha Ha. After my father, the scientist and philosopher Danny Keyret proved it wasn't. It wasn't. There is something special about this house. It is as big as my imagination. You see the contradiction here? We all share a large room in a SMALL almost empty mansion... then It is as BIG as my imagination.

Father just looked back at me and stared. "We will never get a chance like this again, Danielle." I just huffed, because I knew it was true. Compared to living in our old shack with the memory of Mother's death fresh in our memories was no way to live. I just sat and squinted wondering why we moved to the place mother was killed. Two memories way too close to one another.


When she faints, it's hard to follow. Clean that part up.

I had to get out of here. Someone else lives here with us and I must find who. two different agendas here. Leave, but also figure it all out?

You jump tenses here as well, like a lot, and need some Spag help.

Example of tense swtich: I opened Past tense opened a small compartment and find Present tense find a duster and a journal. I opened Past tense opened the journal and read the first page. The rest are Present tense empty.

What it should be Present: I open a small compartment and find a duster and a journal. I open the journal and read the first page. The rest are empty.

Past: I opened a small compartment and found a duster and a journal. I opened the journal and read the first page. The rest were empty.

Also: OPened is used too close. Use a synonym, like I peer into the journal... and word repeats are high, and some other contradictions.

Hey, now I wasn't going to finish reading, but you did peek my interest. I liked the note, and the mystery you set with the house how the rooms all have different personalities. That's unique and cool. I wanted to know more about that topic, and the girl who died...and the mom, but you kinda beat that part to death. haha, get it? Anyway, it seems every opportunity you bring it up
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Review of Time-Zoned!!  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked it. It was entertaining.

Gabe from London woke me up saying the reports are not delivered on time! These are very critical!! We certainly can't be doing this to them."- should it be were not delivered on time? And Gabe from London, I think it'd be more realistic if he was like: Gabe, the one guy from London, or the dude from London, Gabe.

That last line is funny, but, Your day, my Friday evening, you oaf- maybe add a but if you want to. I think it sounds better that way, but yours is okay too.
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Review of Rebelism  
Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked it a lot. The rhyming was great! I didn't like the un-capitalization of several words, and some sentences seemed odd I had to reread them, like: They'll leave me there to walk on my own for a mile... Idk, I just lost it for a second there
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like it, some parts have an almost poetic quality but only some parts you see. It's not really complete. You just kid of recount what I happening. You don't get a sense of Utin until the end and even then it's too little. We don't know what happened, who Utin is, how old he is, nothing.

Okay now for some easy fixes: Things like West than down south- are wrong. Than is: I'd rather do this than that. Then is order: I'll finish this, then complete that. You get me?

Some more grammar errors are spewed about here as well, but a closer look will fix them
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey, you're young, I read the bio. I think this has some hope, but it needs to be cleaned up. Keep reading and learning from them. For dialogue, when a new person speaks they need to start a new paragraph. So here, an example:
"Hey!" I called to my friend, Janet.
"Oh, hi, didn't see you there," called back Janet. - do you see this? I started Janet's line with a new paragraph. The punctuation needs to be inside the " and if you aren't using !, ?, or . use a comma (,).

You need to seriously work on comma placement. I suck at it, so I'm not much help, but I'll try: "Oh i'm sorry but keep your head up"- so for this line it's supposed to be Oh (Comma), (Capitalize) i'm sorry (Comma) but keep your head up,- so: Oh, I'm sorry, but keep your head up.

You jump tenses a lot, try to stick with past tense. Also, you jump around, making it hard to follow as a reader, missing words here and there, and adding different prepositions than what's it's supposed to be

The story sounds interesting, and after some serious rereading, and weeding out, it could be great.

Just get better, never stop writing. You can do it! You've got all the time in the world to get better!
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Review by B-T
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked it. A nice, full story being told here, just some things I thought sounded odd.

What the wind brings- I was kinda anticipating what the wind BLOWS, but yours works fine as well. It's just what I thought of something to match up with roam.

The place of the stone in this crystal hold- this sentence does continue the poem, but after reading it so many times it doesn't seem to make sense to me, but it does do good for the poem so I'm sure it's fine. And after closer inspection I could say maybe it works

In the heart if this labyrinth he beheld with his eyes- Simple here, is that if supposed to be OF?
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like it, but some of it is very confusing, like the jump from 14 to 70 something. I was really confused there. And her dialogue made it hard to follow.

Is this the ending of a story or a new beginning? If it's still the mom talking to her daughter than doesn't that sound odd? How does the daughter know about all that happened to her mom in her waning hours of life if only the best friend was there?

I do think it's a nice concept, though, but the ending seems a little too abrupt, and the priest saying totally?
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Review by B-T
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is great! I tried telling complete stories like this and always found it completely disastrous, always losing my rhythm, but you kept yours superbly. It read like a book in a way. Really well done! I don't know what stoop means though. Is it stool?
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