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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/conniefs
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123 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Way We Are  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nicely done. I enjoyed your story about the surprise meeting of a future husband. It was charming, and I thought it was even a little inspiring. Certainly hopeful.

I noticed some typos and I believe you wanted to use "discomposure", not "decomposition" (I don't think you died and began to rot, right? *Smile*) sorry. Heh.

Anyway, good effort, and good luck. Write on!
2
2
Review of TEARS OF WAR  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The imagery is good and the harshness of the phrasing works well for the subject of war. A very heartfelt piece, I believe. Thank you for sharing your writing.
3
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Review of Who was Jesus?  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's an interesting question. I think you may need another choice, perhaps flesh AND spirit. I chose God in spirit, but I think Jesus was both God in spirit as well as in the flesh. He was the Son of God as described, yet they are one and the same, certainly a conundrum. Better for me to leave it to scholars to argue about it. *Smile*
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Review of Acmeland  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Awesome port map you've got there! The whys and wherefores of your port all nicely documented and de-cobwebbed... oh, wait, no, there WERE spiders. *Shock* Acmeland... a bit like Disneyland, but much odder, and way more entertaining. *Bigsmile* I'll be back... Write on!
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Review of Demons Ago  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this story, but for me, the first paragraph doesn't really seem to fit. It leaves me wondering what the relevance of it actually is.

The second paragraph is more powerful and grabs attention more for me, I think starting with it and ending with the first paragraph makes a more chilling statement. This thing is back and it has prey moving into its neighborhood; a happy day for it. Pointing toward what will be the next step in the awakening creature's story.

Quite a bad critter you've got there. I don't want to meet one. Ever.

I noticed no spelling or grammar errors.
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Review of Time to Sleep  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice. Poetry forms can be quite tricky, but it looks to me like you've done this monchielle very well. I like the imagery you use comparing dreams to a movie screen. It's a very optimistic outlook. I enjoyed it very much. Write on!
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Review of Cogito Ergo Sum  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*


*Check1*Overall Impression

Well-written. A man with psychic abilities is harnessed and used as a tool to read murder victims' last thoughts to track their killers. It seems to be a part of a longer work that may as yet be unfinished

*Check4*Plot

A man has abilities to read memories of the dead and is a slave? to a government agency using his abilities to solve murders. He thrills in the experiences, but fleetingly as they are taken away.

*Check2*Characters

This piece leaves more questions than answers, but makes me want to know the answers. The main character is well-defined, but his history and complete situation are unknown.

*Check3*What I liked

The main character's humanity, he has feelings and desires, but he is denied the chance to feel anything, so is unsure of who he really is beyond a tool.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

What is here is well-done. It gives the feel of being part of a larger piece.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

It looks as though there is a larger story beyond this scene. Perhaps having to do with some type of future (or otherworldly) theocracy. I think it is interesting.



Keep Writing!
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Review of Hey, Bobbie!  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Groan.

That IS the prerequisite response to a silly pun, isn't it? That was a cute conversation with a twist. I liked it. Seems puns are popping out all over with Tourn-a-rounds in full swing.

some days is beats -- it
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Review of The End Of Brucie  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*


*Check1*Overall Impression

Eew! Chihuahua spatter. The just end of a very old and contrary dog. I enjoyed your story, and it made me hope that all would eventually be forgiven. (especially considering the personality of the dog in question *Smile* )

*Check3*What I liked

Love: 'the little rat demon', and wondering whether the rest of the family's attitude is a result of wanting to finish him off themselves. Tragic and funny at the same time.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

The only thing I noticed was there could be a little more conservation of wordiness. There are extra words here and here that just seem to slow the pace unnecessarily, like taken my eyes off of him long "of"

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

Nothing I noticed, Well done.

Keep Writing!
10
10
Review of Holiday Search!  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fun and festive! *Smile* I like seasonal games. The only thing that might be missing is jingle bells. Just kidding. Good puzzle!
11
11
Review of Guardian Angel  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*


*Check1*Overall Impression

Story about a girl meeting her guardian angel. I enjoyed it very much.

*Check3*What I liked

The descriptions were very good. The idea of the guardian angel appearing to cheer her up is interesting and unique.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement (Only suggestions)

I think it would be better if you actually wrote out the conversation with the angel instead of telling us they had a conversation. Dialog can be a very powerful tool. There are several good articles on dialog here on WDC.

I also think a little more information about the main character: name, description, why she is sad, and more insight into why the angel shows himself (usually that would require something special) would make the story have more impact.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

Your use of dialog needs some work. For the most part, your grammar and spelling were good.

Good work.

Keep Writing!
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Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very nice story. It depicts the wistfulness of the man's desire to have a child of his own as well as the wife's bitterness about her previous miscarriage. The wife seems more interested in outward physical health than her or her husband's emotional concerns as she pointedly is ignoring his interaction with the child.

Well done. *Smile*
13
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Review of Random Quiz  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Loved your warped and fun quiz!
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Review of A Day in Life  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*

*Check1*Overall Impression

A story about two very different sets of people and what happened to them on one particular day. The contrasts between the poor and the wealthy,

*Check3*What I liked

That the poor children still had somthing to make them smile. The contrast between the children and the man in the car and the woman whose boyfriend broke up is so sharp, yet they all have feelings. Anger, fear, sadness, and joy.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

Very nice story. It may be easier to read if the paragraphs were double spaced in between. I think more dialogue in place of narration might be good for the story as well.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

After comforting her sister, Rafi decided -- his sister


Keep Writing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

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Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*

*Check1*Overall Impression

An explanation and synopsis of bipolar disorder, possible causes, relevant characteristics of the disease, and available treatment options along with warnings regarding some. This is one of the most informative articles I have read on the subject. (And believe me, I've read a lot of them.)

*Check3*What I liked

I found this to be very thorough in describing the major issues of bipolar sufferers and reasonable direction is given to point a sufferer in a hopefully helpful direction. The section on famous people was interesting as well. I actually learned something.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

As far as the subject matter, I think this is very good. Technically, it needs some work, specifically, some overlong sentences, places with extra spacing that is distracting, and some other small errors.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

and finally, examine into it’s supposed link with artistic creativity. -- doesn't need 'into'

and loose or gain a significant amount of weight -- 'lose'

steroid cortisone or other antidepressants -- take out 'other' I don't think steroids are antidepressants, too.

Tracking down these genes -- is the befinning of a very long convoluted sentence, consider revising for conciseness.

individual is quite likely to loose the awareness-- lose

musical tools, moving back and fourth -- 'forth'

Cobains’ -- Cobain's

While it is true that this was possibly due to his drug abuse that brought about his untimely passing, -- Huh? Consider revising, I had to read a few times before I got the intended meaning.


Keep Writing!


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Review by IdaLin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*

*Check1*Overall Impression

An edge-dweller recounts his/her daily thoughts on the advisability of calling "Shotgun" on a bus. An interesting rant of the deranged.

*Check3*What I liked

Being a self-described flake, nice. The idea of calling "Shotgun" on the bus is actually pretty interesting. Unless of course, someone already on the bus has one...

The ending is odd, but seems to fit with the piece.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

Punctuation needs work. You may want to consider putting the internal dialog/thoughts in italics or single quotes.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

My first thought, as the bus approaches is , -- no space after comma

shotgunnie,-- while a cool-looking word, I think shoud be shotgunner, as the shotgunnie would be the one being shotgunned??

hydrolic -- hydraulic

"How much?",I ask., "Two --- "How much?" I ask. "Two -- no commas needed

"SHOTGUN!",? -- no comma here

Ipods, laptops and cell phones have been invented to help ignore the likes of me. -- iPods, 'have been' may be better as 'were'

shotgun dammit! needs comma between


Keep Writing!


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Review by IdaLin
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*

*Check1*Overall Impression

Very funny. Like a Barbara Walters Special... After Snow White moved in: the interview with Grumpy. The chick's moved in and he ain't happy.

*Check3*What I liked

Grumpy's rant about freedom and beer, oh, yeah, beer. He's a dwarf with an attitude all right.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

Sometimes Grumpy's speech pattern is a little hard to follow.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

Well done.

Keep Writing!


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Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*

*Check1*Overall Impression

This is a beautiful poem! A declaration of enduring love through good times and times that strain a relationship.

*Check3*What I liked

This poem would be right at home inside a greeting card or as part of a couple's wedding vows. The last stanza almost brough tears to my eyes. Very nicely done. I could feel the love being expressed so eloquently.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

Nothing.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

All very well done.

Keep Writing!


** Image ID #1250565 Unavailable **
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Review of Feathers  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for sharing your writing! *Smile* *Heart*


*Check1*Overall Impression

This is nice. A tribute to coal miners lost.

*Check3*What I liked

The last stanza was the most emotional, a lament of remembrance for those lost. I liked the words used and the images evoked by the descriptions.

*Check2*What Needs Improvement

The rhythm felt off in this. The varying syllables make it seem a bit off-kilter.

*Check4*Grammar/Spelling/Comments

Subject-verb agreement - A heap of tiny feathers fall -- falls


Keep Writing!
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Review of A NEW PLAYGROUND  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **
This review was won in the http://www.Writing.Com/main/forums/item_id/1304995...

*Check2* Overall Impression

A mother's (or caregiver's) take on a teenage girl's rebellious, dangerous, self-destructive behavior. This describes the struggle to understand it and define it, as well as the frustration at not being able to do anything to help.

*Check2* What I liked

The 6th paragraph is done well. It clearly states the crux of the matter in one fell swoop. It expresses the narrator's feelings of frustration well. The compassion and frustration come through very well.

*Check2* What needs Improvement

I think there's a lot of cultural discussion that isn't really necessary, it draws attention away from the personal nature of the piece.

The narration shifts voice from first, to second to third person and back somewhat haphazardly.

An edit for conciseness of language would improve readability.

*Check2* Spelling/Grammar/Comments

The first paragraph has a lot of statements starting with 'She'.

I don't always like the way she acted but, I always loved her. -- present and past tense verbs mixed up here. maybe acts and will always love

The 2nd paragraph has a spacing thing going on.

Many places I found a lack of agreement in subject and verb (i.e. there is the usual bizarre ways -- are; Their clothes, music and culture is so different -- are)

demonic presence she cuts at herself -- Is she cutting herself physically or verbally? It is unclear. "cuts herself'(physical), 'cuts herself down' (or use another word if verbal)

Some incomplete sentences, as well.


*Heart* Keep Writing!!
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21
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (5.0)


*Check2* Overall Impression

I found this essay to be sweet, endearing, and best of all, hopeful. Waiting on the drizzly, night-shrouded beach to see a nest of sea turtle hatchlings off to the waiting sea.

*Check2* What I liked

I enjoyed the descriptions of the sounds of the sea and the scratching of the turtles as well as all of the landscape/environment passages. I felt like I was there on hte beach as well. I love that the writer talks to the tiny charges temporarily in protective custody, telling them of the sea and danger. *Delight*

*Check2* What needs Improvement

I enjoyed the story as is. Maybe a little background as to what the writer's occupations is that brings her/him out on the beach at night like this. I don't know that it's necessary, but it left questions for me, (but maybe I'm just strange like that.) *Bigsmile*

*Check2* Spelling/Grammar/Comments

No problems as far as I can tell. Nice work!


*Heart* Keep Writing!!
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Review of Solitary Safety  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **
This review is being counted toward the "Black Case Domination" review raid for the weekend of 8/11-8/12/07 *Bigsmile*

*Check2* Overall Impression

A sad soliliquy on the state of aloneness. The 'inmate' (perhaps only metaphorically) is free to leave his/her place, but chooses to not be exposed to the persons outside.

*Check2* What I liked

The essence of this poem speaks to the reader of a soul who is content to be where he/she is, because it if safer to not be available to be hurt, alone but for the occasional presence darkening the door.

*Check2* What needs Improvement

I like it as it is.

*Check2* Spelling/Grammar/Comments

Nothing I saw would improve on it.

*Heart* Keep Writing!!
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Review of Tree Fairies  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **
This review is being counted toward the "Black Case Domination" review raid for the weekend of 8/11-8/12/07 *Bigsmile*

*Check2* Overall Impression

A cute little story about the plight of a fairy family.

*Check2* What I liked

The fairy family was so shy they were afraid to say anthing and didn't want to take the gifts left for them because they thought it would be stealing.

*Check2* What needs Improvement

It seems to change from an outside narrative, to a point of view of a member of the family. The narrative switches from they to our in the second paragraph.

*Check2* Spelling/Grammar/Comments

There are several places where spellings and grammar need some work. A couple examples:
Para. 1 'than' should be then
Para. 5 'families' should be family's
Nothing a thorough proofread won't fix. *Smile*

*Heart* Keep Writing!!
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Review by IdaLin
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1301515 Unavailable **
This review is being counted toward the "Black Case Domination" review raid for the weekend of 8/11-8/12/07 *Bigsmile*

*Check2* Overall Impression

This is a neat little story. UPS gets an address very wrong indeed.

*Check2* What I liked

I'm glad it was UPS. (Not USPS, I work for the postal service*Bigsmile*)
The pictures were a nice touch, too. I like the ending, leaving the last creature as a mystery.
I like this line - I wonder, though, if that panther would enjoy a tasty parrot or crunchy aardvark for breakfast

*Check2* What needs Improvement

Not sure whether the wife's top-half is integral to the story or just a funny aside. It's hard to believe the zoo wouldn't call back, maybe he had the wrong number, too?

*Check2* Spelling/Grammar/Comments

Nothing I saw.

*Heart* Keep Writing!!
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Review of Red Tide  
Review by IdaLin
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like this, it's a very interesting story. It seems like it's part or a chapter of a larger story. It definitely kept my attention with suspense of what was going to happen. It's also nicely current with it's suggestions for causative agents in global warming. I think the beast, and the ramifications hinted at, are pretty interesting, too. Perhaps there's more to the story and to this creature as well? There were parts that confused me a little, though.

I noticed a few possessive cases that needed apostrophes. Otherwise nothing glaring.

Nice job. Keep writing!
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