I'm giving this five stars for just how intriguing a read it was. For starters, your presentation style is fascinating. The indent on the last line of each verse had me staring and creating word patterns within each verse. I read in so many directions. Super cool. That hooked me and would keep me returning to this poem. I can't articulate how this poem made me feel, but I felt the mysterious hold and pull of the dreamworld in your words.
Tim, I rarely pay much attention to rhyme or meter, but you seem to nail it really well in this poem. Reading was almost like singing. I really appreciated that experience.
Hi Fumi, you do an excellent job describing your scene. I could perfectly imagine the ongoing and humorous scenario. I think you're also great at getting inside Akari's head. Keep it up!
I feel like I could see a teacher or wise older figure delivering this at a graduation or monumental ceremony! Carpe Diem! I feel it. I wonder if you could incorporate any more imagery or figurative language, to really hook us in. Thanks!
Megan, I had to blast this song as I read your work. I think the sea imagery is perfect...you could even indulge in the romance of that. The sun, the crystal blue waves...it's gorgeous. This was charming.
Hi brethren! From the immediate gnawing of the nails, I was swept up by the tension of pre-birth anticipation. Perhaps there is room for humor here. You could exaggerate one description and this might create an incredible tension between joy and fear. Thanks for sharing.
I love this premise. Rock People. What a dull existence. And yet. It's an opportunity to perceive so much terrestrial transformation. I'd love to hear rich descriptions of environmental change. Or social. You do a fantastic job creating an ample image of Kandy which I appreciated. You could have fun with the narrative form. What is this is a religious record of the rock people's voices?
The only push I could offer relates to tense usage: you switch between past and present which can totally work, just refine it. And you use the passive voice maybe twice which I found hard to follow.
The concept is cool! You could run in so many different directions with this, and it seems as though you have a lot of the mythology already constructed.
Wow, this is pretty thought-provoking! The Creator's embrace in the form of a kiss. This raises so many associations: romance, paternal protection, Judas' betrayal...I love it. I feel like this could make for a rich story.
Hi! Something this does very effectively is generate a sense of motion and the passing of time: "swept in its sense...away," "gentles..rests...sway...roams in display" - there's an almost contrary nature to it, as if the leave is resisting this transition. I feel a wistful tribute to a noble figure, perhaps the author. What have they experienced? Who is writing to them?
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