Alright, to start, please remember this is one persons view of your piece. Take what you like from it and leave by the side what you do not. I found your piece on a random read and it intrigued me. Also note I do not review things I do not like, so the fact that I am reviewing this says I like it. That being said...
Overall impression:
The piece has character and potential. I like that it makes me think, especially about how I act and react to other people in the work place. The concept is sound and thought provoking.
Overall Challenges and suggestion:
The piece is somewhat choppy. It does not flow well which might turn many readers off and they would not get the important message you are outlining here. Short paragraphs, many questions without explanation or direction and swift changes in topic without much transition make the piece tough to read.
Example:
"You might think that our lives are so much more complex than a loon or a woodpecker. What does a woodpecker know of orthodontia or construction? Is love complex? I don’t think so. It’s just complete in its perfection." This paragraph changes quickly from one thought to another. Paragraphs should have one thought in them that is consistent. You might re structure and add to it like this
"You might think that our lives are so much more complex than a loon or a woodpecker's. What does a woodpecker know of orthodontia or construction? Nothing. However, I loon is content without these things. The loon understands simple perfection.
The loon and woodpecker do understand love. Is love complex? I don't think so. It is just complete in its perfection. Something to be learned from the loon."
Grammar and Structure:
First, the tone of the piece is fairly consistent but hard to tell as the choppiness makes it difficult. One challenge you will note above is making sure to include possessive form. The loon and woodpecker own their own lives. My example expresses this.
Other then that a small word choice challenge in the second to last line. I may be dense but I do not understand how to hear anything with the inside of my hand. Maybe mind, heart, soul might work.
Finally you start a sentence with the word But. Not a good idea. it works here and is a minor challenge but most of the time the But at the beginning is unnecessary to the meaning of the sentence.
Final Word:
I will reiterate that the piece has good potential. The message is great and one that would be awesome for everyone to hear. I think the suggestions made might help in getting more folks to look at it and read through. Thanks for the opportunity to read this work. I hope you have found my review helpful and can at least find something to take from it. Have a great one.
Corbin -Boldly Write-
Found your piece on the left side bar and was intrigued by the Title.
Overall impression: I like it but it feels like it is missing something. I love the idea and the way you present it. I enjoy the overall mystery of what happened and the suspense to find out near the end. I also appreciate your use of phrase and the general flow of the piece. These first two lines " Matt pressed his palm against the window pane and let his forehead kiss the glass. Outside, an immaculate shroud of snow enfolded the night-shadowed avenue. ." really drew me into the story. You do a good job, overall, in word choice and structure.
Challenges and suggestions: The biggest challenge I have to the story is the ending. On one hand I love that the reader gets to decide what they believe happened but, as a reader, I like a little more information to write the rest of the story in my head. The main character says he is sorry, even after his wife has killed him. There is very little to give the reader a reason for this. I can come up with many but would like some direction I guess. Did he cheat? Was he dishonest? Or did she just grow to hate him? Was she cheating on him with his friend? and or did she feel she could not get out of the marriage? Why did she have to kill him?
Another piece of this is that the description from the main character suggests they have been married but not for long. I had the sense the husband and wife were still early in their marriage but at the end the wife says she should have killed him long ago. I wonder about giving the reader more sense of the time the marriage has gone on.
After reading it a second time I wonder if she ever loved him or if it is just his impression. There is not enough evidence there for me to truly decide on either. Maybe that is the point, but again, I would like a little more impression to go off of. If you want to make the reader think she did not love him you might give some clues in her description or small inconsistencies in his memories that might suggest her true feelings to the reader in an ironic way. Just some thoughts.
Tone: The tone of the piece is great, no real challenges with it. You stay consistent and I get a foreshadowing from the tone that the main character might be dead, or at least unconscious. I liked that.
Structure and grammar: I did not find very much wrong with these either. Though difficult to do in a story like this you still have a beginning, middle, and end. The challenge I found here was more with word choice.
Examples: "forgiving drifts." might try the yielding drifts or "the malleable drifts" Honestly I cant come up with one I like but somehow "forgiving drifts" while it works, does not want to fit in my minds eye.
Mostly minor things really, some comma mistakes but those are arguable.
General comments: Great work really. It sits funny with me but that could be the nature of the piece itself. I like it and really enjoy your word combinations and imagery. I can see the story unfold within my minds eye. Hope this review helped. Thanks for the opportunity to read and share your insights and delight in your phrases.
I realize poetry is largely enjoyed or not depending on the reader. I like it over all. It has great potential and may be something to come back to later. My challenge with it is how choppy the piece is.
You might find new ways to say " I slept through them all". You also might think about describing a bit about why, I want to know more about the reasons those parties were not as much fun. Did parents get in the way and make it their own? Did friends not show up? I did not have but 2 real birthday parties only because my birthday is so close to Christmas. Those two parties were something I cherished so I am curious to know why yours were boring enough to sleep through.
The first two lines really drew me in and so I read the rest. I enjoyed most of it, especially the line "Thank you cards to send? Mom does that part." Amusing.
It seems this may have been a poem for contest with certain rules which I understand but consider expanding it for fun and entertainment.
Overall good work, I would love to read more of your stuff if you like my review. Thanks for the pleasure and opportunity to read this piece. Found you on a random read.
Corbin -Boldly Write-
I am definitely hooked! In fact neglecting other chores to read the excerpts. The development of Daniel as an AI becoming human is fascinating and well thought out.A couple of grammatical errors and a change of tense or two but nothing major there. Again I have a challenge that seems minor in retrospect. Daniel talks about taking painfully long Nanosecond of thought to come up with an answer and before that he had a short conversation with mother while talking with Michelle without Michelle commenting on any kind of lapse in the conversation. This suggests an incredibly fast processing ability but then after a very short two sentence conversation with mother following a question from Michelle she reacts as if it has taken him too long to answer. This does not seem concurrent to me though I may be nitpicking. I love that Daniel, though he seems not to understand it, uses irony effectively with Michelle. That part really brings home Daniel as an AI learning to be human vs Michelle the actual human. Well done.
Very good impression over all. I really like the way you separate Daniel learning to be human from the perceptions of the humans. I also love the overall concept and striking ideas the story offers on the idea of AI. A couple of challenges I have with this portion which may be explained later. Daniel expresses a feeling of comfort from a thought which is an emotional response but then when he encounters an "unpleasant" feeling he processes it as a new piece of information and learning. Daniel's mind probe exercise seems to be all about finding ways to understand feeling in order to emulate it but he expresses feeling before the exercise is complete which seems out of order. The second challenge is Michelle's response to the probe. it seems at odds with what she must have experienced during the session. It strikes me that it would take a bit more then a deep breath and steadying of herself to get on with her day. Her biggest worry is the smeared make up with no thought to how it got that way. Again, minor challenges in an excellent piece.
I like it in general. The poem has great value in both image and its ability to strike thought. Reading it brought fond memories of loosing myself at the beach. The only challenge I have to it is the line "Blue toes make wet sand". For me, after a bit of thought, it gives me a picture of my toes pulling back the sand to bring in water. The challenge is it doesn't strike the same visual image the rest of the poem does more immediately. I love the reverse however which makes it challenging to change. Again, overall good work. I will be thinking of the beach, especially the East coast beach, all night.
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