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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cougar1002
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525 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi!

I read the earlier chapters of this about a year or two ago and am glad you've added to it. You've done a great job with characters and setting. As a reader, I'm hooked and want to know what happens next--though this may be the end of the story based on the description. I didn't notice any typos or other minor errors.

Have a great night!
2
2
Review of Prey  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi!

Nice twist on this one! The only possible suggestion I have is making it longer--maybe have aspects of Michelle and Jack's date (opportunity to show his personality, seed the snowstorm, etc.). You do a great job of showing Michelle's fear and thought process.

Have a great day!
3
3
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi again,

My great-aunt worked at NASA and was friends with several astronauts during Gemini and Apollo. I've heard about the floaters story, and you have an interesting twist with it.

The only thing I'm not 100% on is how long the Captain and Reynolds could survive in that pod--my thinking was closer to minutes or hours rather than days, but the Captain may be disoriented and inaccurate about the timing. First-person POV gives you some room with that, but you could also give them a slight break with some of the pods functions (heat, oxygen, etc.) working but with a very rapid power drain.

I hope you keep going with this, and feel free to send me an email when you have an update. I started out on Writing.com about 12 year ago, and my serial eventually grew into full-length novels. I can see the same happening with this.

Have a great day!

Tricia


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi,

I like this segment as well, especially the surprising action of Hallock's character. The flashback and the scene with the breaches fit together well.

You have a great overall set-up to the serial, and I hope you keep going with it. I'll to read on to Part III.

Tricia


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi,

This is a great introduction chapter, and it makes me want to continue. The transitions and flashbacks make sense--would not mind if you stayed a little longer in a segment and had fewer jumps, but it's not an issue as far as kicking me out of the story. Nice job!

Tricia


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Perception  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rocco,

I found you through the randomized "Read & Review" tab.

I used to be a workoholic--extra hours at my day job plus getting my writing off the ground resulted in 80 hour work weeks. As I've gotten older, I've realized that creativity requires rest--and success requires taking pause to figure out what matters most to you.

Thank you for this item, and I hope you have a great day!

Tricia


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a really funny beginning to a story. I'd like to see where you go on with it from here. The dialogue is natural and has a good pace to it Charles is a really quirky character in a good way. I don't see anything that can be improved, other than to just keep moving forward with it. Nice job! Feel free to e-mail me if you add more. *Smile*

Take care,

Tricia
8
8
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think your overall book concept is sound. You have everything very well-structured like I would expect in a novel, and I could see this as a published book. I would suggest having a strong visual side to the book as well--maybe find a photographer that can capture some great shots for you that will go well with the poems.

I have a lot more background in fiction short stories than I do in poetry, so I'm probably not who you're needing to do the detailed poem by poem review from a technical/style standpoint. I think you've done a great job however from what I've seen browsing through the folders.

Take care,

Tricia
9
9
Review of Multivalence  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
While I'm primarily a short story writer, I found some similarities in this philosophy you've presented for poetry. I think you've done an excellent job with this, and I like that you incorporated quotes from a wide variety of famous people in different fields including music, psychology, and physics. I usually try to find something in an item that I could suggest some improvement, but I honestly couldn't find anything in this. So I'm going to give you a well-deserved 5 stars.

Have a wonderful day and best wishes,

Tricia
10
10
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi,

Great job with this. At first it took me a moment to figure out what was going on, but that made the story interesting to follow--like being thrown in the middle of the situation and as a reader figuring it out with the characters. You were able to do a lot with relatively few words, but I think if you wanted to expand the story itself you could do that as well.

Take care,

Tricia
11
11
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

This kind of reminds me of a situation I got into at a previous job where I was doing the work of 2-3 people and getting paid $1 more an our than a new person off the street--that was frustrating, lol.

Personally I think the real key to financial success is doing something for yourself--even if you have to do it part-time with a full-time job.

Great poem! Take care!

Tricia
12
12
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Jerry,

I thought this was an interesting article. I think it's great that you took a very challenging time in your life and turned it around for good. I personally don't know if I could fully imagine being in a similar situation. Great job on this!

Take care,

Tricia

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
13
13
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi J.A.,

You've done a wonderful job with this--it's a great story. I really like the imagery and how you carried the theme of Richard's limp (which traditionally would not be associated with a hero unless he'd been injured) throughout it. Your adventures somewhat reminded me of Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird.

Looking through it, I don't see any areas for improvement. 5 Stars.

Take care,

Tricia
14
14
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

I could definitely see this as an introductory chapter to a book. You've done a great job with descriptions and actions. As far as formatting, you may need to split up the paragraphs a little more. Mainly you just need to separate the dialogue from the description paragraphs, even if the character is only speaking one sentence or even one word.

I notice a few minor things you may want to look at:

"...the train I should have been on, leave the station."--don't need the comma between "on" and "leave"

"THREE WOMAN FOUND..."--Needs to be either "THIRD WOMAN FOUND..." or "THREE WOMEN FOUND..."

Nice job overall. If you want to contact me back after this is fixed, I'll up my rating. Have a great day!

Tricia

Get Free Writing Resources, Fictional Character Template, and more at:
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15
15
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

Great story and use of the prompt. The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays, and each year brings back memories of past events.

My only suggestion would maybe be a larger photo (though it may be the computer I'm on) and to maybe have the photo at the top or the bottom instead of the middle. I didn't want that to count off on the content rating however.

Nice job overall, and Happy 4th!

Tricia
16
16
Review of Space Shuttle  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice haiku, and welcome to Writing.com! *Smile*

My great-aunt used to work for NASA from the 60s into the mid-80s, and I grew up getting a bunch of photos and stuff sent to me from the different offices around the country before they posted everything on the Internet. Anything related to the topic grabs my attention really quickly. I think this is the first space-related haiku I've ever seen. *Smile*

Have a great night!

Tricia

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17
17
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I really like the dialogue in this--it flows very nicely and sounds natural for the characters. This is a good chapter for letting readers getting to know main characters and establish how they relate to each other. I didn't see anything that could be corrected. Great job!

Tricia

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18
18
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

This is an interesting article. Probably the main suggestion I have is to break down the larger paragraphs into smaller ones--this just makes things easier to read on the web. The content is great.

I agree that there has to be a balance in management positions--there's more respect and understanding if the manager has done the frontline position prior to becoming a manger, but at the same time people should be trained to handle that position. Having been in management positions, in many cases you have to take the initiative to train yourself if the company don't do it for you.

Great job on this. Take care,

Tricia

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19
19
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
I relate with a lot that you're saying in this--and it carries over into college and a lot of the corporate world as well. Gifted children and adults have different needs, and a lot of the "boxes" that other people may find secure and comforting are often irritating to someone with a gifted thought process. That frustration is often mistaken for other things such as rebelling or arrogance, but it's just internal conflict of not wanting to be someone you're not.

Great article!

Take care,

Tricia

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20
20
Review of The Photograph  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,

This is really good--my only suggestion is that you can add more to it if you like. It seems to end too soon in a way, and I would definitely read on if you had more.

I like the way you captured the character and presented 100 years using very few words. Not everyone has the talent to be able to do that effectively.

Great job, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.

Take care,

Tricia
21
21
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cats are so entertaining and funny--you should consider filming yours and setting this to some Olympic-style music. *Smile*

You've done a great job with this, and I like the commentary style of it. You get a good feel for the cat's personalities.

I looked through it a couple of times, and I don't see anything about it that I would suggest changing.

Take care,

Tricia
22
22
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice list of credits! This is a very cool idea, especially if someone is setting up their portfolio for potential publishers and agents to review. *Smile*

The only suggestion I have if you want to do it is to include links to your active website articles so people can read them. I've done that with some of my Ehow.com articles that I'm eventually going to group together into a book. Here's a link to the item if you want to take a look:

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I like playing with different ideas as far as marketing and promoting. It's hard to make a mistake, and I've had a lot of nice surprises come from just trial and error.

Great job on this! Take care,

Tricia
23
23
Review of In Pieces  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I think you did a great job with this overall. You blend everything together well as far as the time frame and carrying the imagery all the way through. You have room to go longer with it if you'd like.

You may want to consider bumping the contact rating up from E to ASR because you get a little detailed with the poison ivy situation, but I'm a little borderline on that myself.

I just noticed a couple of small things you may want to look at:

"pine- needled"--just need to take out the space.

"In the bathroom mirror I see my face. It’s..."--need to do a line space before this paragraph starts.

Have a great night. Take care,

Tricia
24
24
Review of Imprints  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: E | (5.0)
You make a great point with this. You may also consider adding something to the effect that children observe the behavior of their parents in general, not just their reaction to frustrations.

Cycles happen in families, both good and bad. I think we all need to realize the impacts from our own childhoods and take the good we learned and turn around any bad for the future of our own children. In this way, each generation has it a little better.

Great job with this! Take care,

Tricia
25
25
Review of Unbroken  
Review by Patricia Gilliam
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Great poem, and I like the way you have it tied to your story.

Something you may want to consider later on would be a website based on your book using a program called Flash. You can actually have graphics and items and have readers follow along trying to track down Lisa's location. The best example I can think of right now is one done for the show "Lost." The website is www.find815.com

I hope that's helpful. Great job with all of this!

Tricia
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