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69 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Historic Hometown  
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings aralls_ thx_ anonymous! ,
What a wonderful story! If I ever travel to Edmond Oklahoma, I will look for the old school-house \ camera shop you have mentioned. I love the reflection and contrast \ compare style used to write this story and recommend its reading to anybody who wishes a bit of historical nostalgia.
Editing considerations...
In this sentence, 4th paragraph,
"There is one white frame building that was a camera shop when I was in school, that has been preserved ..."
You may want to consider changing the word (that), to the word (which), or eliminate the comma after the word (school).
Other than this minor correction, the writing is flawless.
Best wishes,
Larry

2
2
Review by croaton
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings Dr. Taher,
Thank you for the privilege of reading your story. I've enjoyed it.
This tragic story told from an animals point of view is unique. While humans like to think only of themselves, stories like this remind us that we are not the only animals that feel pain and death. This story about a family of moles brought home the fact that they too, suffer the same maladies of life. I found the story to be very inspirational and recommend it readers looking for a new slant on life.
Well done.
This is where I stumbled;
In this sentence, ".... thought Father mole, as he sat to admire his new offspring..."
The verb (sat), is usually followed by a gerund, (-ing), not an infinitive.
Try changing the words (to admire), to the word "admiring", to allow for a smoother sentence.
Other very minor errors, such as spacing take a little away from the readability.
Best wishes Croaton

This review was prepared for Authors Spotlight Forum
3
3
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings and Salutations,
Thank you Jaye P. Marshall, for sharing this wonderful experience you had with your grandchild. She must be very proud of you.
I too, have a four-year-old granddaughter and I adore her.
This short story is one that I would recommend reading for those who enjoy family activities. It is sure to brighten their day.
Best wishes Croaton
4
4
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings TheHurricane,
Thank you for inviting me to rate and review your prologue and first chapter. I've enjoyed reading it.
My first impression of the story is one of adventure and discovery. The prologue hints at the plot and is not unnecessarily long. Good job!

Grammar/Spelling:
These sentences are fragments by themselves, "“Exactly as I expected. Horrendously. Only one person passed,” he said with a beaming smile."
May I recommend this, " “Exactly as I expected, horrendously only one person passed,” he said with a beaming smile.
This sentence is a fragment, "“The lost continent of Atlantis.” Try this, "I've found the lost continent of Atlantis!"
In this sentence, "“I must not be hearing you correctly,..." you may want to consider using a semicolon instead of a comma after the word (correctly)
The name (Mottavelli) is misspelled in this sentence,
"Are you the Victor Motavelli?"
This sentence is a fragment, "“Because I just found you a thesis topic.” May I suggest you simply drop the word, (Because), to correct it?


Structure:
This sentence is awkward, "“It’s just, I can’t come up with a new angle."
May I recommend, "“It’s just (...) I can’t come up with a new angle. Or even better, “I just can’t come up with a new angle."

Recommendations:
You may want to consider introducing your main character by name in the first sentence of the prologue.
For example,
“Victor Mottavelli, a tall olive skinned man, darted up a spiral staircase."

I hope this helps you.
Best wishes, Croaton
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5
5
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings J.A. Buxton,
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to read your short story.
My first impression of this story is that your intent is to show the readers the horrific aftermath of a devastating earthquake and the local resident’s effort to help each other through it.
I realize that you are writing this story for a contest, but I feel that this is written from a first person point of view.

Here is what I like most.
"All around me, cats raced in a frenzied panic,.."
I have cats of my own and they do this during a thunderstorm.
"If a person lives in California, sometimes known as the shake and bake state, it is wise to always be prepared."
Words of wisdom!

Here is where I stumbled.
Paragraph 11 seems to continue into paragraph 12. Consider combing these paragraphs into one.

Spelling/Grammar
This sentence is a fragment,
"On the engine stood a fireman, megaphone to his lips, calling out to us."
Try this,
"A fireman stood on the fire truck and with a megaphone to his lips, called out to us."
I hope this helps you.
Best wishes, croaton
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6
6
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Maryann,
Thank you for the opportunity to read your poem.
I normally don’t comment on poems because I know so little about the mechanics of poetry. However I found this poem especially nice. Great job!

Best wishes, croaton
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7
7
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Maryann,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read, "Alisza of the Future."
My first impression of the story is that it is a pretext for events in the future. Visits by people in the future in your dreams is a very unique idea.

Here is what I liked best.
“There is nothing more comforting to the senses than a fluffy new pillow."
I personally like the cold side.

I've found no errors. Good job! *Smile*
Best wishes, croaton
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8
8
Review by croaton
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings Maryann,
Thank you for allowing me to rate and review "Lemonade Girls Detective Agency.” I realize that this was written for a contest entry. However, may I recommend this as your title? Furthermore, you should consider expanding on these adventures in a collection of children’s books. I don’t say this lightly; this is a great story for young children.

Here is what I liked best.
" 'Hello girls,' Carol’s mom almost sang in a very animated voice."
Also,
"“Mandy! Buster has Mari Lena’s teddy bear in his mouth!”
Anybody who's had a dog can relate to this!

I've found no errors in the story, great job.

Best wishes, croaton
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9
9
Review by croaton
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings Maryann,
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to rate and review "If I Were President." It has been an interesting read.
This satirical story is funny. If only it could be that simple.
You may want to consider changing the word "..(into) the beach." to (onto) the beach.

Best wishes, croaton
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10
10
Review of Deserted island  
Review by croaton
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings Maryann,
Thank you for the opportunity to read some more of your writing. It would seem that we have something in common in these uncertain times. My first impression of this story is that it is well written and flows nicely. The story of paradise lost fits well in today’s environment.

Here is what I liked best.
The development of your main characters is to be commended. I felt I got to know them. Your attention to details is also noted. You carry the reader through the story leaving no questions or clarification issues. Well done! Your attempt to juxtapose paradise vs. horror is successful and sends a powerful statement, 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone'. Very nice. *Smile*

Here is where I stumbled.
In this sentence,
"I am leaving the raft with you guys incase you want to try fishing."
I believe you need a space between "in" and "case"

Best wishes, croaton
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11
11
Review by croaton
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings Maryann,
Thank you for allowing me to read "Courage and Sunflower Seeds", I've enjoyed the story.
My first impression of this story is that it reads as a fable. This is something that I might tell my granddaughter before bedtime, with just a hint of extraterrestrial stuff for good measure. Well done.

Here is what I liked best.
Your use of descriptive adjectives adds refreshing details to the work. Two thumbs up!
"...he marveled at how far into the sky the tops of the trees stretched."
Nice visual.
"... heard the crackling of a furry little creature scurry across some leaves.
Nice audio.
And this kind of writing permeates throughout the story. Well done. *Smile*

Here is where I stumbled.
These sentences seem awkward.
"I want to give this bird some of my seeds.” Margaret commanded as she placed a handful of seeds on a log close to the bird."
May I recommend?
"I want to give this bird some of my seeds(,)” Margaret commanded(,) as she placed a handful of seeds on a log close to the bird."
Or try this.
"I want to give this bird some of my seeds.” Margaret placed a handful of seeds on a log close to the bird.


Best wishes croaton
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12
12
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Greetings Sophy,
Thank you for allowing me to read, "Confessions of a Reality TV Junkie". As soon as I stop laughing I'll give you some of my thoughts.
All right, wiping away some tears, here is what I like the most.
EVERYBODY can relate this in some way. I especially liked the way you plainly wrote the essay. Very nice!

Comments/Suggestions
You poor dear. You never got past the first step of rehabilitation. In my very humble opinion you need to move on to step two. Turn off the TV.

Best wishes, croaton

13
13
Review of Trapping the Fox  
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Greetings Joy,
Thank you for allowing me to read, "Trapping the Fox", I've enjoyed the story.
I realize that you originally wrote this for a writing assignment long ago. However, your ideas are great. The assignment could now be turned into a short story that many of us would enjoy.

Here is what I liked the most.
The story appears to be from the near future with the characters taking shelter from the ensuing fallout. The journal of the main character, Emmy, carries the story line as a narrator with her journal. This keeps the story flowing nicely from a first person point of view. Very nice. Finally the ending caught me by surprise. I just hate it when I can figure it out before the story ends. Well done.

Here is where I stumbled.
I had to read many paragraphs before I understood where the story was going. Perhaps when you revise the story you could include more information about the reasons for the attack at the beginning.

Spelling/Grammar
Spelling error. The word "Sulphur" is spelled Sulfur.
In the sentence,
"What amazes me is that all my observations,..."
The adjective, "amazes" should be (amazed). May I recommend, "It amazed me that all my observations,..."
In this sentence,
" We shouldn’t’ t have to live with such a person.”
You have a typo with "shouldn't't"

Finally let me thank you for supporting the "Talent Pond" by sponsoring the MOD Blitz.

Best wishes, croaton


14
14
Review by croaton
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Greetings Elisa,
Thank you for giving me an opportunity to rate and review your poem.
While I don't normally review poems, in part because of my lack of knowledge, I felt compelled to read this on the anniversary of 9/11.
I do know that poems often reflect on the author who penned it.
My first impression of this poem is that it is an inner struggle of sorts. I feel a lot of pain when I read this.

Here is what I liked most.
"Numb I walk 'mongst many a moron,..."
I know a few of them. *Smile*
"Remembering the chaos and the crassness, I reach that mental scar,...)
Insightful sentence!

Here is where I stumbled.
Interesting word choices, "dissonance" and "ennui".
I had to look them up.
The word "goverment" is spelled (government).

Finally let me conclude by saying that this poem is well written and deserving of a 4.5 rating, even though I respectfully disagree with its message.

Best wishes, croaton
15
15
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Greetings Emerald Enchantress,
Thank you for allowing me to read some of your stories. I particularly enjoyed this one as it reminds me of my wife’s grandmother. She too lived in the same house for many years. She willed amongst, other things, all of her library to my wife. While other family members were willed her fortunes, my wife and I are still finding lost treasures between the pages. Postcards, photographs, letters, ect.
I can see why this won first prize in the contest.
It is excellent writing.

Best wishes, croaton
16
16
Review by croaton
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Greetings Leger,
Thank you for letting rate and review "Interview with an Innocent Man."
My first impression of this story is not what I expected after reading the title. I found no evidence of the condemned mans innocence. Indeed his arrogance suggested otherwise. Additionally I am puzzled by the 18+ rating. In my humble opinion this could easily be a 13+ story widening your audience.

Here is what I liked most.
"His voice, a whisper again, speculating.”Do you think they'll feel remorse a minute after they shut off the power and carry my burned body from the electric chair?" This is a powerful sentence!
"Are you afraid, little Kitty? Are you afraid?" His mad laugh echoed down the hall.” Here kitty, kitty, kitty. *Smile*

Here is where I stumbled.
These sentences are awkward and hard to read.
1."Added to the fact that he was accused of such heinous crimes, Irwin himself was a speculation."
May I recommend?
"The fact that he was accused of such heinous crimes, Irwin himself created suspicions."
2. "Because Irwin was an albino, the court had to be dimmed to keep Irwin from excruciating pain during the trial."
The sentence needs to be clarified. For example,
"Because Irwin was an albino, his eyes were sensitive to bright lights. As a result the court lights were dimmed to keep Irwin from excruciating pain."
3."The elevator door slid open and Kitty could see that the hallway lights were dimmed with only the emergency exit light and a clock at the end of the hall illuminated."
Eliminate the word "illuminated", you don't need it.

Comments/Questions
Who is your target audience? The reason I ask this is because of your use of descriptive adjectives. For example, in this sentence,
"Smoke and dust poured into the darkened street; the protesters lay spread from curb to curb like torn rag dolls, tossed and forgotten by a small child."
This would be appropriate for a younger audience. However if you wanted a more mature audience. Try this
"Smoke and dust settled onto the darkened street. The moaning of the injured protesters could be heard in the darkness as their broken and scattered bodies littered the streets."

I hope this helps you.

Best wishes, croaton

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17
17
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Greetings Tehuti,
Thank you for the opportunity to read your story.
My first impression of this story is that is targeting teenage readers. The colorful use of words creates a vivid picture in my mind of what the Island is like. The mysterious cave dweller with magical abilities is clever,

Here is what I liked best.
"One of the torches flared and then sputtered in a small gust of wind, and the light bounced off him when he moved."
Wow! What a great sentence.
"Perhaps you do not believe the camera can steal your soul, but this time it may very well come close."
Very nice!
"...the Island in the fog that so few mainlanders ever got to see."
Very mysterious.

Here is where I stumbled.
In this set of sentences,
"He was certain most of the natives weren't even aware...all the years they'd been here, "trapped" on the Island; in this place..., and for any outsiders involved."
In my humble opinion, even with the semicolon is too long. Perhaps you can break it up into three sentences.

Here is what needs editing.
In this sentence,
"Feathered wings, and a long winding snake's tail, whispering softly across the sand on the ground."
I believe you need to change the word "whispering" to
(whispered)
This sentence is awkward.
“Which was why it had to be important for him to want outsiders to come."
May I suggest?
“This is why it was important for him to want outsiders to come."
In this sentence,
"The mainland, so easily sighted by him, from the Island, so invisible to the outsiders."
May I recommend?
"The mainland, so easily sighted by him, from the Island, was invisible to the outsiders.
In this sentence,
"Evening was coming on, and here and there a wisp of fog floated by."
May I recommend?
"Evening was coming on(no comma) and here and there a wisp of fog floated by.

I hope this helps you when you when you decide to revise.

Best wishes, croaton





18
18
Review of Dear Angela  
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings Typo,
Thank you for inviting me to read "Dear Angela"
This is a cute little letter

My first impression.
The character CharlieM. , is perhaps a teenager or at least I hope so. *Smile* Additionally he is probably good looking based on "all the others he's left behind", and has an ego issue. This might explain Angela's interest in him and her awareness of "the others".

Here's what I liked most.
"I mean she always wore such casual clothes, she never dressed for me."
Wow what an ego!
"I spent so many sleepless nights laying next to her."
More ego!
"I would watch the rise and fall of her chest as she slept, all the while thinking about..."
HOW TO DUMP HER. lol
"She is in the past with all the others."
No wonder he has trouble sleeping!
"I’m really glad you are working on some of those annoying habits of yours ...”
Now that is pure arrogance. lol

Here's where I stumbled.
This sentence seems awkward,
"It is now time to bury the past and get on with my life, with our lives together." Try replacing the comma with a period, making it two sentences.
Here's what needs editing.
In the sentence,
""I spent so many sleepless nights laying next to her."
The word "laying", should be "lying"

Here are some questions for you.
Does Angela buy into this?
Does CharlyM. , buy into this?
Does Angela's father know about CharlyM., because this could be good start for a murder story. *Smile*

I hope this helps you.

Best wishes, croaton
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19
19
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings PENsive,
Thank you again for sharing a family story with me.
I've enjoyed your story and admire your courage dealing with health. I can't imagine going through life’s trials and tribulations without family.

Here's what I liked best.
"Where did the past twenty-two years go?"
I hear ya!
"Then the dead giveaway--the quick tap-tap-tap of small, sneakered feet, running, and, as they got closer to the door, a whispered, “C’mon, Dad, hurry up!”
Wow what a great sentence!
Great ending. *Smile*

Here's where I had to catch my breath.
This sentence,
"When he had finished the song, he looked at me with tears in his large Hershey-chocolate-colored eyes but with such a big smile that I had to smile, too, although my tears had already spilled out onto my face and were racing downwards on my cheeks in a mad dash towards my chin."
Is a very long sentence. May I recommend?
"When he had finished the song, he looked at me with tears in his large Hershey-chocolate-colored eyes(.) He had such a big smile that I had to smile, too, although my tears had already spilled out onto my face and were racing downwards on my cheeks in a mad dash towards my chin.

Here's what needs editing.
In this sentence,
"Laying in bed in the rehab center,..."
The word "Laying" should be "Lying"
In this sentence,
"...and lay his head on my shoulder."
The word "lay" should be "laid"
In this sentence,
"This visit, and others like it, were what made the rest of the week worth getting through."
The word "were" should be "was".

Best wishes, croaton
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20
20
Review of "Paid In Full"  
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings PENsive,
Thank you for sharing this story with me. I am very fond of family short stories.

My first impression of this story struck me as having been written from the heart, with feeling.
This is hard for most writers to accomplish. Well done!

Here's what I liked the most.
"Jeff, you have done more for us than we could ever do for you…Do you remember the time you…“and we began to reminisce about times past."
Great sentence!
"I still had my head on my arms when I felt the warmth of his hand encircling mine."
I can feel these words.
"He loved to get up early, wait with the basket on his lap and surprise me with it."
It's the little things that are remembered.

Here's where I stumbled,
The paragraph where you were explaining what had happened at your job confused me. I my humble opinion you could have stopped after the first sentence and not taken anything away from the story. That's just my opinion of course.

Here's what needs edited.
1. In this sentence,
"...only important thing was that he loved me, that my husband loved me, that I was important to them."
You should use a conjunction word after the last comma.
May I recommend?
"... only important thing was that he loved me, that my husband loved me,(and) that I was important to them."
In this sentence,
"As I told Jeff on that Saturday morning in Pennsylvania, “That’s pretty impressive stuff for a seventeen year old.”
Strike the word "As", you don't need it.
The word "redcrayon" is two separate words.

Finally I think you have written a great family story and look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Best wishes, croaton
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21
21
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings chandra~,
I've enjoyed reading "A life unfolds".

My first impression was the unity of this family.
While I don't want to give away my age, I can relate to the way hard working, uneducated people talked. Indeed My own father worked the coal mines as did my grandfather. You have successfully portrayed this in the story about your mother. Well done.

Here is what I liked best.
1."No matter what they did, they did it as a family as a unit, some not always so willing."
That’s still true today. lol *Smile*
2."It had been a hot day in the cotton fields of Southern Oklahoma, the family was tired, sweaty and beaten down by the long labor of the day which was normal for most folk in this area."
Nice setting!
3."The scuff of their footsteps heard along the dry dirt driveway."
Great sentence.

You may want to visit this sentence,
"Slimcupping her face in his hands telling her; “It is going to be alright."
I believe you need to edit the word "Simcupping", I think it should be "Slim cupping"

You don't need to worry about the grammar. I can't be sure but I think you intended it that way

Best wishes, croaton
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22
22
Review of Charley's Story  
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Typo,
Thank you for inviting me to read "Charley's Story".
I've enjoyed what you have written.
The story flows well and is balanced with
kindness verses sadness.

Here's what I liked,
1."Charley suppressed a little grin, young children were so blunt, and so honest about what they are thinking."
Great line!
2."“With jalapenos in the corn bread?”
I happen to have a fondness for Cajun.lol
3."Miss Linda reminded Charley of his mother when she used his full name like that."
Nice.

Here's what threw me off.
1. In the sentences, "Another boy kicked Dog as he tried to get away. And another grabbed Mack as lunged forward trying to protect Dog.
May I recommend combining both sentences. For example, "Another boy kicked Dog as he tried to get away, while a third boy grabbed Mack as he lunged forward trying to protect Dog.
2. These sentences confuse me.
"On his way back to the park he walked under an overpass where he saw Mack on his knees, holding his dog on his lap, sobbing. It was a horrible, mournful sound.
Charlie rushed over to his friend. “What happened Mack?”
May I recommend,
"Charlie rushed over to his friend.” What happened Mack?” He saw Mack on his knees, holding his dog on his lap, sobbing. It was a horrible, mournful sound.
3. Consider revising this sentence,
"Dog seemed younger somehow and Emma couldn’t believe he had taken such a beating and still got up."
May I recommend,
"Emma couldn't believe Dog had taken such a beating and still got up. He now looked healthy and younger than she remembered."
4. Consider revising this sentence.
"When they got there they walked across the park, Mack went home and Charlie went to the bus stop on the other side.
May I recommend,
"Arriving at the park, Mack went home and Charlie went to the bus stop on the other side.
5.The word "dog" needs to be capitalized when used in this sentence,
"...dog and asking God to take good care of dog."
6. This sentence is a bit awkward,
" Charley figured she was either coming from or going to do some shopping."
May I recommend,
" Charley figured she was either coming from or going to the grocery store."

I hope this helps.

Best wishes, croaton








23
23
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Elisa,
Thank you for inviting me to read "A Girl and Her Car".

What a cute little poem, it brings back fond memories of my first car. A 1969 Ford Galaxy 500, with blue plush interior and midnight blue paint job. I drove that car to death and was sad to see it go.

Here's what I liked most.
1."You've soldiered through abuses
no car should ever bear..."
We've all done that. lol.
2."You loved to run and hated to shift,..."
Sweet line.
3."...in spite of the surgery
I had done; you won't last much longer..."
I feel the pain!
4."I tremble as I hold your keys."
I'm doing that every time I go out to my jalopy!
5."Moby, my automobile, your time has come."
I've experienced this about ten times now and it still hurts every time.

Here's what needs attention.
1. Spelling error with "transporation".
Should be "Transportation".
2. Eliminate the comma after the word "idle"

I hope this helps you.

Best wishes, croaton
24
24
Review by croaton
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Redtowrite, Thank you for inviting me to review, "Save The Last Dance". I've enjoyed reading your story, even though it's such a sad story.

Here's what I liked.
1. This sentence,” Then he tied her to the posts of her own "Princess bed" that left rope burns in her flesh." Great visual!
2. This sentence,” He inserted himself into her with force, tearing the sacred part of her that was untouched. Good play on word use.
3. This sentence,” Who would want a girl with "spoiled goods"? I feel the pain!
4. This sentence in particular," How could a beautiful miracle have come from such a vile and evil act? In my opinion this sets the tone for the body and the end for your story. Everything Grace does after this sentence is for the benefit of her daughter and Aunt. Indeed it is the sole reason for her existence. You specifically asked for recommendations for an ending. I would recommend you not be so hard on Grace. For example, why not have the young soldier, with steely blue eyes; rescue her from the fallen debris? Then you could create a romance, end the war and live happily ever after.

Here's what threw me off.
1. Consider editing,"...Preston's parents home." Should be "parent's".
2. This sentence is a fragment,” When a man forces himself on her by holding her down. Consider revising to,” He forced himself upon her by holding her down."
3. Capitalize the word "bed" when writing "Princess Bed".
4. Consider editing,"...those kind of dreams." the word "kind" should be "kinds".
5. Spelling error with the word, "ocurred". Should be "occurred"
6. Spelling error with the word, "flirtatous". Should be, "flirtatious".
7. Spelling error in the sentence.” She woud not let them damage her little soul..." the word "woud" Should be "would".
8. Consider revising these two sentences into one sentence,” What if her Aunt fell or even worse. Would Julie, the sitter, panic?" to ","What if her Aunt fell, or even worse, would Julie panic?"

I hope this helps you out.
Best wishes, croaton.

25
25
Review by croaton
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Brooklyn,
Thank you for giving me an oppertunity to voice an opinion concerning this matter. Let me start out by stating that I personally review others as I would like to be reviewed myself. It is very important for other eyes to point out the items in a story that need improvement. With that comes an obligation to provide an example of revision or new idea. It is my firm belief that we all need reviewing. I like to compare writing to putting together a very large puzzle. We are fortunite indeed to have this forum to
allow others to help put together our stories.
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