|Howdy! You requested me to review your story and I have accepted. Please remember that this review is nothing more than my observations and opinions. Some will be good and some will be critical. Nothing I write will be intentionally mean or hurtful. I will do my best to be constructive and as positive as possible.
Overall, I found the story to be confusing. Based on the description, I was expecting to read something more along the lines of "Supernatural", more adult and scary. The more I read this, the more I envisioned a young adult show, geared to tweens.
I can say without a doubt, that I completely dislike Rose. Her attitude and demeanor towards the townsfolk and her siblings are deplorable and I didn't find anything redeeming in her character.
There wasn't much to Greg. Being 8 years of age probably makes it difficult to write. David seemed to be the most caring of the trio. Since you didn't state his age, I envisioned him to be the oldest of the three; especially since he drives the van. However, although Rose is 16 years of age and more than likely in the rebellious stage of life, I felt David should have had a much better grasp on her attitude and better control as the oldest sibling.
I wish you could flesh out the characters quite a bit more so we could get to know them. I'd also say as much for the township. No one seems overly concerned with ghosts, werewolves, skeletons and the such and deserves some depth to it. The reader is left with a lot of questions and not a lot of answers.
Your descriptions of the scenes is nicely done. You've been able to put a visual to each scene. The interior of the house, the swirling vortex and action. I really think you should use this ability to describe the characters. I have no idea what these guys look like and it is frustrating when I can't visualize the characters.
One issue I had was the introduction of David. I cannot fathom how he could be sitting in the driver's seat of the van and have a pot cooking on a burner in front of him. That would put it on the dashboard which doesn't have much room to begin with. I cannot believe there is enough room to place a portable burner and cook a pot on it without it tumbling off. You'd probably need to rethink that OR describe the scene better so the reader can visualize what is going on.
If this was meant to be scary, it missed the mark. There was nothing foreboding about the situation and no jump scares. However, if this is for younger viewers, then you probably don't want to much scariness happening.
You've got a knack for detail (in your scene descriptions). You need to utilize this more with the characters and the town. There are a lot of questions left for the reader and without some better details, it is hard to get into the story.
Also, I would really recommend giving Rose some redeeming quality to her. Otherwise you might lose your viewers before they can get invested in the story.
Keep it up regardless. We only get better at our craft the more we work on it.