|Hello! This is a fun piece. There is a lot going on. Reading it, I could almost see a sci-fi like minority report or something similar. I'm not an expert editor, but I'll see what i can do.
Sentence flow is important. Always make sure to find rhythms and beats. Punctuation is your friend, don't over use it. If it looks like a full idea it's a full sentence. (I'm working on that as well.)
With narrative, it's always a good idea to have a desired structure. Throw too much at the reader and the vision you're going for crumbles. It's very easy to see in your head what you're writing about. The reader has never seen what you're trying to describe. So get descriptive.
More detail helps any setting, especially action. So much can happen in a short amount of time, the reader wants to know all of it.
It's a darring landscape you've set out to explore, even though this is chapter one, you have a whole lot more to uncover.
Looking forward to more.