I'm a casual reader. Did I enjoy the reading experience? Would I read more? I will highlight what I did and/or didn't enjoy. I do not edit grammar or spelling, but I might comment on it.
I liked the story. By the end, I was wondering what would happen next. The love interest will work well, though I felt Manda Sue may have shown her interest too early or maybe too deeply for that early in the story. There looked to be a love triangle of sorts, considering Arlo's interest in Jase's well-being and health. The characters are displaying personality and heart.
Staying in 3rd person limited is well done. I got the feeling I remained in Jase's POV.
The pot is clear and tight.
I found Manda Sue's dialect bordering on excessive. Phrases like "cotton-pickin' li'l heart" and "all hat and no cattle" risk feeling cartoonish and may frustrate readers. Though for the character to work, there needs to be a level of that kind of phrasing for sure.
I kind of feel like there will be three genres at work: a space opera, a western, and maybe a gangster genre. All in all, a lot of fun to explore.
Your poem is a gothic war ballad, echoing Poe’s cadence while telling a vivid story of guilt and haunting. The refrain “nothing more / forevermore / evermore” provides rhythm and inevitability, while imagery of boots, whispers, and barracks blends the supernatural with wartime trauma. Themes of guilt, justice, and memory emerge as the ghost of David—killed by friendly fire—confronts the narrator. Strengths include atmosphere, narrative clarity, and escalating tension. Refinement could focus on smoothing meter, trimming descriptors, and sharpening refrains. Overall, it’s haunting, cinematic, and memorable, capturing the lingering weight of conscience and the inescapable presence of the past.
Strengths Honest emotion: The poem reveals genuine vulnerability and inner struggle, particularly in lines like “Pulled apart / As I'm torn in half / Between stay and go.” Clear imagery: Phrases like “sweat like a jungle rain” and “guilt like a fog descends” make emotions easy to picture.
This heartfelt poem powerfully captures yearning and self-doubt. With some tightening and a clear approach to imagery, it could flow even better while keeping its impact.
Speaking as a casual reader, I had to stop and make some popcorn. The read is slow yet interesting enough to keep going. I have mixed thoughts about the dialog. The characters speak in plain, clear English. Speeking clearly makes reading pleasant but takes away from the atmosphere. Which would be best? As much as I liked the clear speech, a peppering of Viking words might deepen the illusion. I am 50/50 on this, so take it as a thought. You need a second opinion.
What happens next? The end of chapter one had me wondering: What happens next for Grimolf, Bjorn, and Ulf? If there were more pages, I would have turned them.
Your efforts are well spent. The adventure is afoot, so to speak. I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to keep on writing.
Yes, that is a little dark. The descriptions paint a visible picture. I could see what was going on. As you stated, the subject matter isn't for everyone. Overall, it's a well-written story. Well enough, it leaves to the imagination what could happen next. One more sentence could be a thought describing the laundry soup being opened or poured into the water. The commercial implies it, but the action could carry it through. Keep writing.
Well written, I enjoyed the read. A fun story that reads like you have more to share. You left me wondering what happens next. A good hook. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, how do I connect to the progress bar? I spend hours watching the progress tick by. Those are the days of my youth.
It's a nice piece that reminds me of a slower time. Yes, instant gratification has weakened the bears (us all).
And then, there's the unexpected arrival of the stranger. Bringing the story of the world ending (the internet). The old pickpocket, in a moment of mischief, brings a temporary halt to the relentless hustle and bustle.
Could the interrupted supply chain of bits and bytes provide a needed break—the break we used to get by watching the progress bars?
I enjoyed reading this. It is well written. I think time is moving fast. Stop and wait for the progress bar when you can.
Keep writing you told a compelling characterization from history. I learned something and that is what you were going for, well done. There are a few dings on grammar.
Reads smooth. However, it seems the last paragraphs are missing. Consider breaking Blaze's description up and spreading the details into the following paragraphs. Instead of two leading sentences.
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I am 50/50 on this, so take it as a thought. You need a second opinion.