I came to this story from the newsfeed. Schnujo is Late to Lannister suggested checking out your port. A story like this is rare, a well-told story with imagery in the scenes, authentic dialog, and a deep and sincere message. This is masterful writing and the message is wonderful.
Came across this in the Mystery Newsletter. Great plot, very creative with the messages taking a turn toward the dark side. Effectively told through the dialog between the two main characters. The dialog was genuine and crisp. I found the ending a bit abrupt, possibly a subtle foundation earlier in the story. But still a good story.
I really like this tribute to service, distant ancestral links with bonds of military service connecting them nearly a century later. If you were ever to consider editing, I would suggest you might consider taking out some of the extensive details. It became a bit distracting, the detail is overwhelming. If you want to preserve it, possibly in footnotes following the story to give it an easier flow. Nicely done.
I was searching for detective stories recently revised and came across this. Now that I finished it, I realize it's not a story. Maybe a part of a longer piece or an exercise in writing dialog. I will focus on the dialog, it's a period piece in 1920 and dialog with a maid. It's difficult to write that kind of improper English for Gladys, I think you did a good job with that bit. My only suggestion was the tagging at the very beginning, it was difficult to follow. Not knowing who you were following. Best of luck.
Found your story in Read a Newbie, a classic haunted building story. It works well written in a narrative style without dialog, as Volkov creeps through the old store. You give a vivid description of the building which is key to setting the tone of the story. The pace moves along and peaks as he is frightened by a sound from the old door. If you are visiting this piece again to do some editing, take a look at some of your sentences for wordiness. For example, As if in pain from not being opened for so long, the door screeched and screamed and made him sure the hinges were going to fall off right there and then. He cringed as the door hinges screeched in pain from disuse. As just a suggestion. Your closing paragraph could be a bit more dramatic, hard to imagine him forgetting he was alone. Consider this for example.
He paused at the door for a last look around. A voice whispered in his left ear. "Please stay a bit longer." It was the old store owner, long dead. Volkov ran through the door, turning back to look when he got to the street. Was it his imagination? The door was squealing as it went shut, was it the wind?
I came across this curious tale in Read a Newbie, the introduction was intriguing. This is a very creative and interesting storyline for a science fiction or fantasy story. Well-written dialog, and you are showing us and not telling. A good job of building a sense of intrigue as to what is going on with the new career after interviewing with Mr. Green. It is a great start, no suggestions or recommendations for improvement. I will try and parachute in to read some more, to see where you are taking this.
Oh my.....a beautiful story on so many levels. It was in a WDC newsletter, I am so glad I came across this jewel. First, it is such a beautifully narrative tale, with fantastic imagery. The message for the Holiday season or any season for that matter is wonderful, the power of compassion for someone suffering. The pace is wonderful and to close with a short poem, simply wonderful.
I have never reviewed a poem on this wonderful portal. i also promised a confession about poetry weeks ago. My confession is I was a state finalist for poetry in elementary school. My parents were shocked and thought I had copied it for somewhere. The only other poems I wrote were in college, to attractive young ladies. My motives may not have been pure. Breaking my poem review ban, this is a well crafted poem. With the additional constraint of the hidden message quite impressive.
This story was in a weekly newsletter this week featuring historical fiction. I think this is one of the most difficult forms of fiction to pull off. Writing a good fictional story is enough of a challenge, but add to it world-building a realistic setting and characters from a historical perspective. This is well written, a look through the eyes of a native American as he watches the local white settlers that have invaded his land. Very descriptive imagery of the setting and the characters. The internal thoughts and behavior of Samoset are genuinely presented. A nice and clever twist at the end, very British. No suggestions I can offer to improve this little gem.
Have been looking for a western in my favorite authors short stories and found this one. The introduction indicated this is a Western Action-Adventure. Thought I would address three dimensions of storytelling. Plot, setting, and characterization.
Once I read the item, I realized there is no plot, no rising action, no climax, and no resolution. There is dialog about a possible threat of native Indians in the area. That is not a plot line.
Moving on to the setting, there is a campsite, with a fire. One of the three characters is brushing a horse and it is dark. Little else to go on. Are they in a box canyon, next to a river, the wide open prairie? Is it the dead of winter or the heat of summer, is the wind howling, or is it still? Is there a full moon or total darkness with twinkling starlight or clouds? The setting does little to set the mood, other than the darkness to accompany the potential threat of Indians in the area.
Characterization, starting with motivation. Why are they on this trip? Are they herding cattle, running from a bank they robbed, how much farther do they need to travel, how urgent is the trip? Why are they here and what do they need to achieve? There are no hints to their motivation. Very little about how they look, other than their racial composition. Nothing about how are they dressed, what they look like, big and strong, well-shaven or scruffy? Most of the characterization comes from the dialog between the three men. The dialog is artfully and carefully crafted. Well-designed to show how three men of that era might talk. Some rough language as would be expected, with adequate tagging to know who was speaking in a three-way conversation.
I realize this probably is not intended to be a story. Maybe the introductory scene of a story with some action, the exposition of something to come that night or in the morning. As such the scene setting could be improved to more fully set the mood. It reads more like a dialog exercise, like from a fiction class. If that is the purpose it would be good to know, it could be reviewed with that focus. I probably would not have reviewed it, others might offer better feedback. My rating is based on review as a story.
Hi Sumojo. I have been meaning to review. some of your work. I like short stories and saw this one was recent. Time travel science fiction is difficult, you made a good choice to stay with simple concept to avoid some of the pitfalls of the paradoxes. I like your plot and the nice twist at the end. There is the question of what Jack’s “real time” is and how he set up the account. But I don’t think this story is helped by delving into that. You move the story along with action, sending Dan after Jack with only a hint of what is going on.
I have a few suggestions that I think might help your story. I would change the introduction to your story. Don’t mention another time, it tips the reader too much. Maybe something like, a car salesman has trouble with a post dated check.
I recommend you look at the critical first scene again. A reader comes to this not knowing who and. how many characters are in the mix. You use several different labels for Dan and Jack, salesman, lot owner, customer, names and pronouns. I wasn’t sure. if there were just two people there right at the beginning. Nail it down clearly right at the start.
Example. Dan watched the young man eyeballing the FX sedan, it looked like the guy had questions. Dan moved in close, “Dan Trader, can I help you?” Dan waved at the signboard, “That’s me, Dan the Man.”
The man looked up at the sign then at Dan, “Yes, well I think so.” He held out his hand, “Jack Spencer.”
Dan shook his hand, young guy was dressed a bit peculiar……
Hello, Jacky. Two of your stories in Read and Review in one day. It is hard to write such short stories, that are really stories. Extraordinarily difficult to write really good ones. Starts with a simple premise, an insect in the house in the winter. A fleeting thought about Gina and then a fly, then a closer look. You draw the reader in, something is going on here. Ted might not have had the best sense of smell. Nicely done.
Came across this in Read and Review. What a fantastic short slice of life. Cleverly told and ironically true. You give the reader the sense they are sitting on the bench as these two chatter away. Nothing exotic or sordid, an interesting insight into human behavior told with a concise story.
I found your story in Read a Newbie, out of my usual genre. But it sounded interesting. The introduction brings in the reader with some action and intrigue. A classic tale of forbidden love. The description of the action and the thoughts and feelings of your main character are well done. I have two suggestions for you to consider.
The description of the killing was a bit awkward and did not match the tone of the story. Daggers are thrown, not shot and knowing where it hit her was a bit gruesome. The motive seemed a little difficult to believe. Maybe it was thrown at him but struck her instead, but now they would blame him. One idea, in my humble opinion.
Secondly, the ending was a it confusing for me, not sure what message to take as to what lay ahead, death or adventure?
I think you have a promising start with your story, best of luck.
The introduction for your short story drew me to read it. A creative and imaginative storyline. The growing obsession of Gabe with the watch as it distracts him from his work. It is a clever story and you describe Gabe’s environment on this lonely planet. There were two places in the story where I struggled, the first is just a wording issue for me.
As he resumed his job testing mineral samples for precious Helium-3, Gabe felt a string between his heart and the watch grow taut. It pulled him towards where he had stored it in his personal chest.
I kept tripping up on the string not realizing it was a metaphor, the reference to his heart and chest. I thought he was having a heart attack or something. Might just be me, I realized in the next paragraph what was going on.
The next part for me where the story came off the rails a bit was the description of what was happening as Gabe was really coming unhinged. It was hard to follow, was he writing with chalk on a work table? He slammed the board? What board. The reference to an HR department? It was hard for me to follow what exactly Gabe was doing.
I think you should give this section another look, maybe not even mention Margaret to even further disguise your twist.
I still very much liked the story, very creative with a nice twist.
Hello Graywriter, I like the plot of your story. You keep the twist well hidden until the very end. Your writing is clear and crisp as always. You show instead of telling through the two characters' dialog, which is good.
My own opinion is that the dialog is a bit stiff and formal. Too grammatically correct and complete. Some of Dirk's actions don't seem to fit the storyline.
I recommend you put yourself into the character's mind a bit more as you write to bring it more alive. If I may be so bold, to give an example of what I mean. Picking up where Dirk asks about the blackmail, which is a key point in the story.
------------------------------
"No, well I don't think so."
"You said pictures. Sexual in nature?"
"Yeah."
"You gotta tell me more than that if you want my advice. Consenting adult?"
"Ofcourse, nothing disgusting. This is all confidential right?"
"Everything you tell me is privilved, just not future criminal acts or asking me to help cover up a crime."
"Okay fine." He explained the details of what was in the photos and the note.
"Well okay, you didn't do anything illegal. That is a lot of money. My advice is to ignore it."
"No! This will destroy my life, my marriage and career."
"Well then let's bring in the police."
"It will leak out, thats no better."
"If you dont want to ignore it and you dont want the police, there is only one other option. Pay the blackmail. But you know, they could keep copies. Especially with digital photograhy."
After a long pause, "I'll take my chances, I will get the money together."
--------------------
Just my suggestion, I hope you found this input useful.
The writing is very expressive, the imagery of what the character is seeing in the world. As it sits right now, it's not really a story and is difficult to critique. The writing that is there is good, so give us more. You need to tell us where you are taking this character, what are her emotions? What kind of journey is Elsie on?
This is a wonderfully creative tale with a nostalgic flavor. The direction you take is well-disguised, using the detailed description of the grandparent's home leading to the central element of the photograph. A clever story about the character in the photograph. Nicely done, no suggestions for improving this little gem.
Okay from the title this is not at all what I expected, which made this even more fun. Writing for laughs is difficult, this was LOL funny. The entry of Len into his first meeting of FA set the stage for a possibly difficult and uncomfortable encounter. It turned out well for him. A new friend and chili dinner later. Can imagine how that went. Nice story length for a fun read.
Hello Razer Coyote, found your short story as recently revised on the short story list. I like the storyline and atmosphere you have set up for your character Sean. He is out looking for a lost puppy in the forest, it is getting dark. He spots an old farmhouse from the top of a hill and goes to investigate. You have set the stage for a scary encounter. There are some basic editing issues I suggest you look at, a line break between paragraphs to give the reader some white space. More importantly, some spell check for example your write and the fround was hard like it was frozen over. In the distance, an old farmhouseloomed. fround is ground I and farm house loomed is three words. Leaves a reader with some pause to continue, if you have not cleaned it up a bit more.
On your next pass through take a look and make sure the language is smooth and says what you want. For example, you write: Sean was staring upward at the house as it inched closer. The house can not inch forward and why is he staring upward? How about: Sean inched closer to the house looking up the long stairs leading to the front porch and door.
My last suggestion is your ending, what was the ticking? That sounds like a machine, a clock, or a bomb. Should it be a different sound, a scratching noise maybe? You don't have to give a full reveal, decide on the emotion you want to leave the reader with at the end.
Some examples:
Sean laughed at the small mouse scratching at the floor.
Sean screamed at the site of the horrible creature, unable to run away feeling something pull his legs out from underneath.
Sean gasped and felt the air suddenly get cold, something was behind him.
Hello creative writer, I came across your story in the Newbie portal. A genre that I like, the proposition you offer is a serial killer escaping the clutches of the police. I like the story idea and some of the dialog but I had problems with the continuity of the story. The first paragraph threw me off as to how it connected to your story, crimes not getting properly investigated but no one would forget this crime. I did not see how this history of prior crimes played into your story about the murder of off-duty policewoman Willow Sanchez. Willow does not sound Italian, but a small point.
You introduce Ocean Moreno immediately after a paragraph about police interrogating people about the killing of Willow Sanchez. Moreno is in a hotel room. It's not clear what city, what country and how long has it been since the interrogation in the previous paragraph. Two FBI agents are there, why would the FBI be investigating a murder in Italy? This new scene needs some setup and explanation connecting it to the previous part of the story. Best of luck with this intriguing story.
Hello Brom21, came across this story in read and review. Not my usual genre, but the story sounded intriguing. There is a lot going on here, which makes the story challenging. A supernatural battle is underway, you have vivid imagery and action. I had difficulty following the story once Thaylus slept.....not clear if it is a dream sequence. Then abruptly Thaylus was back in his home. Some omniscient narrative could help lead the reader as to what is going on, movement to another plain of existence?
My other suggestion is to take a look at some of the emotion and dialog of the scenes. For example, the following passage in Bold:
Thaylus rose and saw Doren, another priest, come running to him in the long, narrow cathedral with high, vaulted ceilings supported by smooth, polished stone.
“Priest Thaylus, the king is threatening to demolish the Grand Cathedral!” said Doren.
---------- How does something like this sound -------------
Thaylus rose to the sound of someone running, the echoes of quick strides bouncing off the walls and the high vaulted ceiling in the narrow cathedral. The sound amplified by by the smooth polished stone of the floor and walls.
Priest Doren was moving toward him quickly, waving a fist in the air when he got close. “Priest Thaylus! The king is threatening to demolish the Grand Cathedral!"
----------------
Just an idea, ramping up the sensory desription and character behavior to match the tension of the moment. Best of luck with this intriguing story.
A very nicely written and entertaining short story. The twist is well-hidden and nicely done. The story drew me in, I can remember decades ago the first time I voted. It was in one of those huge old booths, with hundreds of levers, it was intimidating. You focus the energy of the reader nicely. Pleasant family story with a comedic twist. No suggestions.
This is a very creative short, did not expect this to go that direction. I realize you were constrained by a tight word limit. Still, some idea of setting would be helpful, without giving away the twist of the story. What threw me was he was getting in the shower and Betty is still talking to him. She said go and relax, did he go to another room? But they can still talk to each other, I just could not picture it.
He JTwrites, Came across your story in read and review, and gave it a read. You have a very crisp, clear writing style. This is an interesting character piece focusing on the thoughts of a single character. Seemingly frustrated with school and with a rebellious streak. The first sentence has a typo I believe, you use board instead of bored. My only other comment is the wrap-up, not quite sure what happens. I'm not clear what he will do with a sack of paint or why he sprayed his hands with gloss.
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