This is not my usual genre to read and review, came across it looking for a short story. I like the flow of this story, well maybe the start of a story. It's clearly written, and very descriptive. I do not care for blood and gore, but I think you handle it nicely. There is no hint at where you are headed with this until the last paragraph. There is no dialog or character interaction, I take from the introduction that this is because this is the start of something. I would say keep going with it, an interesting idea. Good luck
Hello WD, Came across this in a WD newsletter, a genre that I enjoy reading. It's a well-written piece with a classic type of tone for detective mysteries. The characterization of Franks is excellent as is the dialog between him and Hawkins. You kept the twist well hidden, the story is excellent as is. If I were to make one suggestion of how it might be improved, would be the ending. It seemed a little rushed, with the literal toss out the window. Just my humble opinion.
I came across this wonderful short story in the read and review, a genre I most enjoy. It is a difficult task to write a piece where the only action is the meeting of the possible suspect pool in a murder mystery. You pull it off nicely, the clever character names and baiting the reader with the obnoxious young lady. Someone to hate and suspect, and the reveal comes with a nice twist at the end.
I like the concept of this very short piece, realizing you are trying to keep this short. The idea of a chance encounter of two turkeys escaping Thanksgiving to have their own little feast together is clever. I think the story could benefit from some more details and the tone could benefit from some humor.
This is a very clever story, an original idea. It is also fast-paced and moves quickly. It is well written and has a lot going for it, I have three observations that you might consider to improve the piece.
I think the initial scene, should make it clear where she is before the sequence starts. For example, Chris was in the kitchen ready to heat a kettle of water. She immediately knew what had happened when she heard the sound - - - Spfft, before she could react she was gone.
The second point is the settings of the transports, they seem too vague, across the world, town, the universe? For example, flat on a hard surface? A few more details would help, could be funny for example she pops up into a box and realizes she is in a coffin with decaying bones, praying for a quick spfft.
The third point is the dialog she is having out of frustration. Her daughter presumably cannot hear her. Maybe it would be better as internal dialog or made clear that no one could hear. For example, Chris screamed to herself out of frustration, "Stop touching the buttons."
Fantastic short story, the opening draws the reader in immediately. The detailed and evocative description as the cab driver watches the woman approach. The dialog was crisp and moved the story quickly along, giving a hint of where this might be headed. The ending kept the overall positive tone of the piece in tact. No suggestions or recommendations to improve this story.
Not quite sure what to make of this, the closing at the end is not very satisfying for the reader. Not quite random though, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end of sorts. So it is a story of sorts, I survived even if poor Friedrich might not have, maybe when you do some editing you can tell about Friedrich's fate.
Thanks for sharing this remembrance about Halloween, to be honest five or ten years ago I probably would not have read this. But I seem to be getting to the age where I appreciate some nostalgia, and appreciate you giving ths short slice of what was a simpler time. All the lights on in the neighborhood and you enjoying the trick or treating as much as the small visitors. You lurking there in the dining room hoping to give them a fun fright. A pleasant short story that brings back some good memories.
Came across this short story of yours, the title caught my eye having grown up with brothers. There was a lot I liked about your story, although it is quite short it has a nostalgic feel. Large extended families getting together for holidays. A little family competition between brothers. It seems some of that has been lost in the frenzied modern pace of life. No suggestions for improvement, thanks for sharing it.
This is a thoughtful and interesting commentary with the most innocuous of titles. It is very expressive and well thought out, any writer has contemplated many of these thoughts. I have never seen them so well expressed. I have often wondered this myself those writers who have skillful copy editing skills. They know all the rules of grammar and punctuation, and I do appreciate their comments. I am not so good when it comes to these skills. Do most readers care? Do most readers know all of these rules? Anyway, let's turn our focus on your sentence and paragraph lengths and lack of semicolons...... Nicely done, you might like a fictional take on commenting and reviewing in my short story, with a bit of dark humor.
Killer Comments (13+) A cautionary tale for Writing.com, an online writer reacts to negative reviews. #2282588 by Damon Nomad
Thanks for sharing this story, it is clearly written and descriptive of the sights, sounds and feelings you encountered in the 'mission". It seems a bit like the old Star Trek episode featuring the Kobayashi Maru. A training exercise where the crew cannot avoid destruction, the famous solution of Captain Kirk. He cheated by hacking the simulation. I wondered as I read if you might resort to some trickery, but it seems you did accomplish the real task. No one was hurt or injured and you followed orders.
I like this story and it is well-written. The flow of the story from beginning to end is nicely done. A clever plot and the twist is well hidden until they find themselves in the cellar. The dialog is genuine and helps tell the story. There is very little I can offer to improve the story except for one point. The fix would be straightforward, a sentence or two describing them going down to the cellar. As it is now the scene change is abrupt.
I like the concept of your story, a young boy quietly reading engrossed in his book. Something startles him and he screams out, shutting his eyes. His father rushes in, telling him to open his eyes, there is nothing there. It makes for a tight storyline.
Your description of what frightened the child confuses me.
You write: the semi-darkness began creeping through the half-open window, gurgling and screeching. I heard a voice that made me jump and turned to where the sound seemed to come. Comment: How does semi-darkness creep?
But further down you write: Dad, there is something scary and ashy coming through.
Then further down you write: creeping white, ashy hands that were coming toward my neck.
Comment: The imagery of what frightens him seems to keep shifting. It made the story confusing to me. Were there white ashy hands coming from the darkness? There should be a way to make this consistent.
Then at the end, does he recognize what it was? Was there a branch of a tree or something? Maybe I am missing something.
This story has a good storyline and the twist towards the end is good. I like the descriptive language of the sights, sounds, and smells of the settings. You have some good dialog when Jack is on the farm. The story has a lot going for it, I have a few observations that you can take a look at for improving the story. First, just simple formatting, it's nice to have some white space between paragraphs.
There are some flow and clarity issues, that can be addressed with some editing. For example, It was late in the day and everyone but him and a guard were left, putting books back on the shelf.
Comment: Sounds like the guard and Jack are putting books on the shelf. Rewritten: It was late in the day and everyone but him and a guard were left in the room. Jack was putting books back on the shelf when he saw a gray book.
The next is transitions, when the setting changes you need a scene break and some explanation for the change. The transition from the library to the farm is abrupt.
It is difficult to describe the world of science with literary flare. This short story is one of the finest examples, I have ever come across. It is artfully written, with a beginning that is real and sensual. The journey you hint at is not what I expected. Your use of evocative and expressive language describing the journey to the world of the small is impressive. Thank you for sharing such a finely crafted piece of work.
Nicely written story about a physical and emotional journey. It is effectively told through first person narration. You use sight, sound, feelings to set. the mood and describe the trip. There is very little dialogue, but in this case that works. No specific suggestions to offer. Thanks for sharing.
I realize this is under development, it shows a lot of imagination and you seem to have a direction for a plot. One suggestion as you develop this further, be mindful of the number of characters you introduce. In this developmental piece, there are a lot of names. Also with a piece like this, developing the sights, smells, and sounds of your scenes will be important. As of this stage, this is more of a plot summary than a story, there is no dialogue and no showing only telling. Best of luck, hope to see how this develops for you.
Looks like you have a story with some potential. I like the plot idea, a home renovation that reveals more than the homeowners expect. Leading to some intrigue and a possible serial killer. You generally set the scene pretty well at the beginning, as Cameron and Deanna get started on their project. The dialog between them keeps the story moving along, you do a good job of showing instead of just telling. A couple of points for your consideration, first give the dialogue a close look and make sure it sounds genuine. Does it match the character, the scene, and the circumstances? I will give you an example of where I think it might be improve
Cameron brushed by her and looked around the little wall. “Eww, that’s just really gross.”
-----------------------------------------------------
Given that his wife is throwing up in the sink, after discovering something horrible, his reaction does not seem to match the circumstances.
--------------------------------------------------------
A few lines down he says he will call the police as he tries to console her. Calling the police is not a consoling act. A better passage might be something like.
Cameron put his hand on her back, wanting to console her. "Don't worry dariling. Just relax, everything will be okay. I will call the police, why don't you sit down and rest."
The other thing to take a look at is realism and consistency of the story. A specific example is the following, passage:
She squeezed herself into the new room. “There’s stuff back here, a hidden room.” She said as Cameron kept swinging the sledge hammer.
Deanna walked through the space. “It’s an art studio or something,” she called out.
----------------------
It almost sounds like Cameron is swinging the sledge hammer as she is squeezing through the opening or just as she passed through it. Calling it a new room, seems a bit awkward as well it's always been there.Is there light in there? Windows? How does she see?
See how this sounds ----------------
Deanna waved for Cameron to wait before he swung the hammer again, "Let me squeeze through here and then you can get back at it." She picked up a flashlight and squeezed through the hole, shining the light around as she stepped into the void. "Okay, you can start hammering."
She scanned looking around, shining the flashlight as she spun around, this was a hidden room, why would it be behind a wall? She shouted out to Cameron, "There is a whole room back here, it looks like an art studio! This is amazing."
Then you move on to the gruesome discovery.......
I think you have a great plot idea, in my view it needs some refinement. Best of luck with this story and others.
This is a finely crafted detective-crime short story with traditional rapid dialogue and fast-moving action. The dark twist makes it a particularly good piece, you kept the villan's identity hidden for just the right amount of time. The reader recognizes it the same time as your main protagonist. This really is well written, the only mildest of criticism would be the credibility of the criminal mastermind, a near supervillain but childish efforts to find a surrogate father figure. But I have no suggestion to offer, it is an excellent story as is.
A first chapter of a novel is key to draw in the reader. I like how you started with action right away, a little sword fighting was a good draw. The dialogue throughout is good, and the description of the settings is well done. Two points that I think might improve the chapter, in my view. At the very beginning, you need some scene setting, where is this encounter? In a courtyard? Are they completely alone, apparently not as it seems Foxley was watching them. As this is your first scene, give the reader a more descriptive image.
My next thought was the encounter at the bridge, the action needs a little more description. A bird's eye view, it seems that not all of the actors can see each other when the action gets started. Some active descriptions to emphasize the fight might help as well. To emphasize the sense of motion.
For example, without careful editing
--------------
Morgan pulled his knife from the sheath and sent it in flight in one smooth motion, striking the man closest to him. The unfortunate soul fell to the ground with a thud. The other seven men stared fearfully at their fallen comrade. They trembled as they slowly drew their swords realizing they were blocked in with fewer and less skilled fighters. The outcome was almost predetermined as the superior force descdened on them in a flurry of fast moving metal. Soon they all lay dead with only the loss of one of the Sir Foxley's men, though two others were wounded.
----------------
One writers opinion, a first chapter is important. You have a great start. I will read more, best of luck.
This is an intriguing and unusual short story. The dialogue and imagery are well done. At the beginning, I was thrown off by the lack of a clear setting. Now I think that was intentional. An odd sort of mission, and this man on the corner. I am left with the impression that this is a story about a writer, trying to think up a new story. A story about some fixation on prunes, but the story is not working out. It's a quirky and fun short story, my suggestion is to work on the ending to let the reader know what it was really about.
I think your story has some real potential, a good plot idea with some intrigue. A night-time encounter during childhood, that leads to disturbing dreams. A future encounter with the FBI and a killing that seems to relate to that nighttime encounter. I am guessing this is the beginning of a longer story, but maybe you want to end it here, with question marks. I see two mechanical issues with the story that could use some work in my opinion. First, the transitions in scenes needs some work. Anytime you move to a new setting, you need to signal the reader. Here is the first example, as currently written:
------------------
She was a bit weirded out but never said anything about the entire ordeal, she did manage to ask Cassie about what she thought she saw days later.
It was in the cafeteria at lunchtime, when she finally asked Cassie about it. “The night at your slumber party, I woke up to go to the bathroom and I saw your mom in a weird black robe,” she started, “is your family like Satan worshippers or something?”
---------Here is a rewrite ------assuming this is the next week using a scene break with **** to signal the reader of the change in scene.
Leslie was weirded out by the encounter, but kept quiet about it the entire weekened.
*****
The next week at school Leslie saw Cassie in the cafeteria, she sat down across from her and confronted her. "This weekend at the slumber party..... continue with your dialgoue.
----------
Another example of a big transition is where Leslie is scrolling through FACEBOOK, this is years later. A scene break before this passage would help.
*******
Years later as an adult.......
I thing improved transitions of scences would help with your story.
The second issue is more subtle, tone in the early part of the story for Leslie. You are setting the stage for something scary, but her reaction and encounter to the mother is not very dramatic. For example, maybe something like this:
-------------
Leslie gasped when she saw what was going on in the room, her pulsed quickened and she tried to quielty close the door. She saw one of the hooded figures approaching her, she was ready to scream. She was shocked and confused to see it was Cassies mother.
"Hush child, move away from the door. This is just a little dress up game we play." Cassie's mother nudged Leslie down the hall.
--------------
My humble thoughts, I think its a good start. Best of luck.
I like pieces like this that try and bring in perspective astrophysics for the scale of the large. It prompted me to post an essay of mine you might like
This story has some potential, you have done a good job laying out the general plot. A mother is racing home with her son in the car afraid of what will happen if she does not get home before sunset. The dialogue with her son is good, he wants her to get Tiger who he left in the car, increasing the level of intrigue. The story needs some cleanup and polishing. For example, the word spear is misused at least twice, it should be spare. You also switch back and forth between verb tenses. For example, the passage: I pulled up in my driveway. [Past tense] Get out and leave the car door open. [Present tense]. There are some plot and clarity questions: What was Tiger? What did she need that caused her to stop at the market, given her fear it must have been important? What did the man have that approached her? Just give it another look over to make sure you wrote your complete thoughts in some of the action. I think the story has potential but in my opinion, it needs some more work. Best of luck.
The dialogue between the two characters is genuine, I have been hiking and backpacking and written about it in stories. The emotion is clear, they are scared and she is blaming Bryan for getting off the trail. Two points for the story to consider, have they experienced hiking and why did they have a tent? Day hikers would not have a tent and if the experience level might make the story a little richer, maybe this is the first time they have ever gone off a marked trail. The transition needs to be smoothed over a little bit, to increase the sense of danger and they would not just disappear. Maybe something like this:
Jessica bolted up, "Did you hear that? Something is outside."
Bryan rolled over, "Just your imagination, there is nothing out there. Go to sleep, we will find our way out in the morning." No point in telling her about the stories of wolves, it was probably just a tall tale.
In the darkness outside, a pack of wolves slowly circled.....
*****
The rangers found the tent and sleeping bags in taters and the signs of a bloody struggle with a pack of wolves.
Anyway, a few thoughts, it's a good story and you might be facing a word limit.
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Not quite random though, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end of sorts. So it is a story of sorts, I survived even if poor Friedrich might not have, maybe when you do some editing you can tell about Friedrich's fate. 
. Nicely done, you might like a fictional take on commenting and reviewing in my short story, with a bit of dark humor. 