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51
51
Review of Pieces of poetry  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
6

Hi Michelle, one last review on my marathon. I'm reviewing the folder that contains all of your poems. It rates a 6.0!

Out of all your poetry, the poem that I keep coming back to is "Invalid Item" . I had already reviewed it in the past and thus could not include it in this marathon but it is indeed a great poem. It is in my bookmarks of poems to revisit and I do return to it from time to time.

Your entire folder of poems is a pleasure to go through, and I wish you luck in your writing endeavors. Thank you very much for sharing these poems with writing.com. Some of them are deeply personal, and it is a tribute to the courage of an Artist to allow others to connect to her Muse!

Dan Sturn
52
52
Review of Pause the World  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
5

Michelle,

This poem is great. It has such a wide appeal. My wife and I talk so often about how we wish we could just stop time in its tracks so we can look around and just enjoy the honor of being parents.

Your poem inspires the antithesis of the wrong approach to parenthood, where you spend your life in anticipation of future events. "I can't wait until she . . . " is replaced with I will stay small and you will stay young.

This poem exudes and inspires the desire to savor every moment you spend with your child.

         I won't have to run,
         I can pretend this is fun

is soooooo true.

This poem is an excellent end to my reviewing marathon. I started the process out in a state of burnout, and now I'm going to go say hello to my teenage daughter, who is upstairs drawing.

Thank you for writing this in an offer to connect me and all other Readers to your Muse. The process of reading Poetry is like going to church, and thanks to your poems I have been recharged!

Dan Sturn
53
53
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
CursedFreedom, this is Dan Sturn reviewing your poem, "The Eye of the Window" .

I find this poem to be really interesting, yet dispiriting.

Sad.

MECHANICS:
The imagery laced throughout the poem reinforces this sadness.

         "The room encloses,
         Gets smaller everyday."

In free verse form, it has free-form, choppy structure that works well with the subject matter. There are plenty of original words that evoke many reinforcing images: "screaming, locked, barred, hell, destroyed, shards, blood, fingernail, and void" are examples.

MEANING
The meaning of this poem is hidden. I like these types of poem. It grabs you, makes you re-read it again and again. The Reader gets the feeling this is written by the ghost of a prisoner. The title is really important to this poem. It is repeated in the last verse, and the act of doing this draws the reader's attention to it. Though I'm still not sure what it means to me, I like it. It might be one of those poems that is meant to call forth emotion without cognitive meaning.

At any rate, it is a great poem.

Thanks for writing it!

Dan Sturn
54
54
Review of Land Of Reality  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Lanee May, your pome "Land Of Reality"  was a pleasure to read, three times!!!

The poem opens with two versus that established the fantasy land within the dream. Then it went into five rhythmic stanzas that reminded me in a way of John Lennon's Imagine. Not that this poem in any way borrows from that song, but the verses do such a good job of illustrating the proverbial "Utopia" that it reminds me of the song.

And then the dream switches to a nightmare, and you realize this is no place for Utopia.

MECHANICS:

I love the way the third line of each of the rhythmic verses use an acronym to describe one of the problems with our culture. We live in "the age of acronyms" and doing this in your poem really establishes that.

In the same way, I also like all the "tions" you use to establish systemic problems with our culture.

Please consider putting a comma after the word "off" in the fourth line. I think this will help the rhythm there a bit.

I'd also consider opening your eyes to fog or even pitch darkness instead of sunlight. I know that it's morning, but the anomaly might work.

MEANING:

Since I compared this to Imagine earlier (and the song is going through my head now) . . . I'd like to point out that instead of asking us to imagine, you do a great job of painting the picture.

Utopia is indeed a dream, but it doesn't hurt to indulge in dreams, does it?

Meanwhile, the last line of your poem really drives home the real problem with our culture. Despite everything you list in the rhythmic verses, it is our discontent that creates those problems, isn't it?

Great poem. I really liked it.

Dan Sturn
55
55
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lean, Dan Sturn here reviewing "Interest-Value-Time-and-Money" .

This is very interesting because it is way outside the "standard" for poetry. The actual word play is interesting. It uses standard mathematical principles (communicative property) as a metaphor. I'm reading the "overview" as not being a part of the work. If not, it should be put in italics.

Beyond the literal and into the sublime:

         "can I borrow some attention,"

I really like the assertion that time is attention. As a father this rings true for me. So often we are chasing the dollar in order to provide good things for our children, but because time is money, we have very little of it left over to offer our children what the REALLY want (interest.)

Then:

         I can only hope that you take me at
         face value, and credit my principle.

Again, using money with a deeper meaning about values and principles. You actually end the second line here with: -(pal)! I suggest you consider putting this as a "signature" at the end of the poem. In other words, it would be aligned left.

-Pal

It would come off more like some type of memo. Another idea would be to make this look like a receipt or a promissory note or something like that. Just a thought.

Good job,

Dan Sturn
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56
Review of Touching Heaven  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Pony Tale, I'm going through your portfolio, and am returning to "Touching Heaven"  because it is so intriguing and touching.

This ode to your horse is also an ode to the Lord in Heaven. We often discover God through the act of unconditional love, and that to me is the central theme of this excellent poem.

Comparisons of the saddle to the throne, the gallop to the rhythm of the ultimate "Multivalence"  (the Bible), rising in the saddle to exaltation . . . . all excellent metaphors. I love em!

My daughter is really into horses, and I can relate especially to the line:

         When you breath on my
         arm, or in my ear,
         I feel the Holy Spirit

She is always talking about the horses breath, and even says that it is part of the way the horse communicates with you. And that is an excellent message about the Holy Spirit . . . . the actual communication, the Word itself.

There are several layers of meaning in this poem. I really like it.

By the way, mechanically, I suggest you capitalize spirit in the same lines I quoted above. On a positive note about your mechanics, though, that line also makes a great example of something I like that I see in your poem, the way a sentence is wrapped. It flows really well. When I read this aloud, it sounds very pretty. It is definitely from your Muse, and thus in my opinion is a message from your Muse directly to the Reader, such as I. And in that, it is inspiring me to return to the corral with my daughter, and to look at the experience as a spiritual as well as a father-duty experience.

Thanks very much for sharing this poem.

Dan Sturn
57
57
Review of Poetry ?  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Sue, Dan Sturn here reviewing your poem, "Poetry ?"  which is ten line (5 couplets) rhyming ode to poetry.

I like this poem. It's hard to write from the mind like this, even about something you love (poetry.) But you pull it off.

I just typed about a thousand words about the flow and rhythm, and then re-read it aloud, and realized this is iambic, isn't it? dee dum, dee dum, dee dum. Four iambs per line. Boy am I glad I read that again or you'd think I was ignorant.

The second to the last line is an anomaly. I'm not sure if that is on purpose. If you are struggling with that, and want it to stay within the structure, consider:

"This is what poetry can mean."

I'm trying to back away from the literal and into the sublime. I'm not getting there. I think that's the problem with form and meter. This poem is very straightforward. It happens to me all the time. I set out to write a poem, rather than letting it come to me during a journaling session or a long walk or a meditation.

I'm going to store this as a draft and check out more of your work.

----------------
I just reviewed Tangoed Out, which is much more from the heart. I'm not saying this is not a good poem. I'm rating it a 5, because it is impeccable. But your other poems, especially your emotional poems, seem to connect to me more, and I think that's because they come from your Muse.

Dan Sturn
58
58
Review of Tangoed Out  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Sue, it's Dan Sturn reviewing your emotional, romantic, and how-can-it-not-be-sexy poem entitled " Tangoed Out" .

This poem is great. Now here's something that sprung from your heart (or came down from your Muse). You'll understand what I mean by this comment when you read my review of you contest entry poem, "Poetry ?" , which in my opinion, came from your mind.


MECHANICS:
You enjoy writing in iambic tetrameter, and are quite good at it. Do you just talk to yourself that way? I'm just starting in this iambic stuff, and I have to agree it grows on you. (Though I have a whole folder protesting meter and form.)

Anyway, it seems like the beat of the poem is speeding up as it goes on, which if I'm correct is the way the Tango works. Interesting how you do that. Good job!

Ironically my favorite part of the poem spiritually could use some work mechanically. The last verse is a bit clunky compared to the rest of the poem. The word two in the first line seems to bring the flow to a screeching halt. I'm not sure why. Maybe that's intentional . . . after all, it is this part of the story when the dance ends.

Then the second line, starting with the word "once," is hard to keep in the iambic beat. If you force yourself to, you can read it that way, but once is too much of a natural downbeat.

You might just replace it with the more passive word, "when"

So then, instead of:

         once the primeval urge has gone.

you would have:

         when the primeval urge has gone.

Meanwhile, the word "wanting" in the next line is also a natural trochee instead of an iamb. Consider the way we say:

         "What are you wanting to do."

We don't say:

         What are you wanting to do.

What I have been learning to do in this case is running a thesaurus on the word want. There are many options for you. The most obvious would be "desired." A natural iambic word, yet I would agree if you think it's a bit cliche'.

MEANING
On the literal level, the poem is about a couple doing the tango. Enough said, right? The meaning of the tango is the same in almost every movie, short story, and poem written about it.

Except for one thing . . . . . this poem goes BEYOND the dance. Titled well, Tangoed Out has a great ending.

         But all too soon two become none,
         once the primeval urge has gone.
         Two bodies, merged and once wanting;
         unable now to dance and sing.

This ending helps me back away from the literal into the sublime. Because dance is an art form, it too is subject to the principles of art, including (if you agree with my philosophy), the principles of "Multivalence" . The poem takes a broader meaning when we think of it as a dance between the Poet and the Muse. The act of writing is indeed, according to the poem:

         "A place where fantasies come true
         for him, for her, for others too."

The act of creation is as erotic as it is cerebral. This poem illustrates that. But more than that, when the creation is finished, the exuberance has worn off, the Poem is posted and nobody is finding it in the depths of your portfolio, there is that lonely feeling, that "hey I need somebody to read this" . . . . and that is exuded in your final verse.

I love it! Thanks for writing it.

Dan Sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Spydergirl, this is Dan Sturn reviewing "Unconditional Love" 

This essay has great potential in that the points made in it are excellent. I like how you start out talking about the give and take of love, and the quotes you use are great. They really entice the reader to keep reading and set up the entire meaning of the point you are trying to make.

Your mechanics could use a little work. For example, try to find the originators of the quotes. To me that will add more authenticity.

The message of the essay is excellent. As I was reading your essay I continually envisioned my two dogs and how much they exude the principles of unconditional love. Some of your supporting points were humorous as well, especially "they'll never tell where you stashed the cookies!". What a great ending to an excellent essay!

Good job!

Dan Sturn
60
60
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi YoyoMary, this is Dan Sturn reviewing your ode, "Unconditional Love" .

This is a very good poem about the sacrifice that one makes for those he loves. Well written.

I like the suspense built in the second verse. The overall message about an act of unconditional love and how you tied it back to taking the place of his brothers. The fact he was one of twelve. This poem acts as an excellent metaphor for the Passion.

An area of improvement for you, in my opinion, would be to work a bit on your mechanics. For one, the word "stared" is spelled as "starred" in the second verse. Meanwhile, you can use commas and dashes to introduce timing into poems. Poetry is meant to be read aloud.

Having said that, reading this poem aloud really touches me. Your words exude the truth of fear and recognition of the end of a live, and the love that must motivate one to volunteer to sacrifice his own life for those he loves.

Very good job. Keep it up!

Dan Sturn
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61
Review of Replaced  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Jenn, it's Dan Sturn reviewing your captivating poem, "Replaced" .

My first reaction is . . . .

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Then, after a short trip to google, I found myself leaning forward as I scrolled back up for the second read. By the time I reached the end, my reaction was:

wow!

This poem really pulls the Reader in, gets him involved with imagery ranging from a bowling ball to a baseball bat to golf to somebody beating on a ball to Michael Jordan (and then for a moment I have to admit, I saw him holding the trophy after the first championship) and then suddenly I'm standing in a room in a square.

Alone.

But the end, way off rhythm as a great anomaly . . . .



Haven't talked to you in a while
How entertaining I used to be
Can't believe I've been replaced
By a game called "the Wii"



. . . . that really slices through the questioned look on the Reader's face. I have to admit, I had to google Wii. I'm sure I'm showing my age here, but when I figured out it is a Nintendo game, suddenly images of my daughter breaking up with her boyfriend because he couldn't pull himself away from his video game went through my mind!!!

At any rate, this is a great poem! A couple of suggestions for improvement:

1) You left a previous name at the top of the poem. I'm not sure if you intend to name this poem "The Wii" or "Replaced.". Either title is fine . . . . I like The Wii better myself just because of the fact that it's an intriguing name and perhaps I would have gone to google sooner. :)

2) I like how you use question marks after questions, yet abandon punctuation altogether in the rest of the lines. This is an interesting trick that I might try to adapt in some of my poetry during the "pruning process." However, I think you should be consistent in this regard. What I would suggest is that you consider adding a question mark after the line:

Are they really laughing at you on the tennis court

Finally, this poem does a great job of invoking emotion. As an old-guy Reader, I hear the confusion and irritation in your voice. I really think you did a good job on this one.

Keep it up!

Dan Sturn
62
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Review of A "Gay" Book...  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Interesting chat-thread. The points you make are very easy to understand. Your emotion comes through well, and yet the message is not lost in the emotion. Though reinforcing the emotion, the profanity seems to detract from the message, but that's my own personal preference. And after all, this is a chat conversation. The profanity adds realism to it.

The thread is a response of yours to a point that was made about your friend. It is difficult to understand quickly that the initial point is a suggestion to create a genre for "gay books." I feel if this was more clearly explained, your chat thread would read a bit more easily.

You make a great case. The sexual preference of an author should not be considered in deciding how to classify a work of art.

I can only speculate that the person who declared the need for the gay genre wants such in place so he can avoid good art that is created by gay persons. It's as if the Reader wants to protect him or herself from the dangers of enjoying art produced by a person whose politics may be disagreeable to the Reader.

I remember hearing that Ezra Pound was a member of the Nazi party in Italy. It's my understanding that he even actively helped with the propaganda for the Axis powers. When I heard this, I have to admit it hurt me. But then I returned to a couple of his poems that I love, and they still read just as well. They exuded the same message. They held the same images. The same amazing rhythms. The same musical quality.

It's like watching a movie with an actor you do not like. If he or she is a good actor, you will forget that you do not like the actor. It's the CHARACTER (ie: the message of the art) that matters, not the artist.

In my opinion, those who would negatively review a work of art because it has a message they disagree with are arguing with the Muse, not the artist. To me what we should be reviewing is the act of pruning and fertilizing a living organism, not the meaning the organism may or may not offer to us as the Reader.

We don't yell at a yellow rose because it happens to be a color which is not in style. We might criticize the gardener for allowing spots to develop on the leaves, or for putting the yellow rose in the middle of two dozen red roses. But even then, we should be careful . . . some may say a single yellow rose among two dozen red roses is beautiful. The message is intended for the Reader.

Thank you on two levels. First, thanks for writing your part of this chat thread in anger. More importantly, thank you for posting it. It initiated thought, and my review of it has taught me good lessons about "Multivalence"  as well as reviewing itself.

I'm looking forward to the rest of your portfolio!

Dan Sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I looked around your portfolio and saw lots of really interesting opportunities for me to learn. Then I found "Judge Not." The title sounded a bit overused, but the explanation,

         "A plea for equality of religions and avoiding religion based war."

drew my attention to it anyway. So I targeted it for my next review.

Here is a poem that on the surface seems trite and cliche', and then suddenly comes together as a powerful, amazing call for calmness and an end to religious violence.

But then who am I? Just one Reader of this wonderful work of art. Other Readers will come away with their OWN understanding . . . . their own meaning.

Which is exactly what this poem is conveying. That's why under the surface, it is amazing . . . .

I hope my opening line in this review, especially the first phrase, did not offend too much. But let me explain. You see, the first couplet starts with a rhyme that just seems so cliche . . . judge and fudge.

However, having read the entire poem twice and going for my third attempt (after closing my office door so others will not hear me read it aloud), I return to the opening line with a smile on my face. It is indeed the surface . . . the cliche' of religion, that causes us to be susceptible to the antithesis of your plea:

         "Help others learn if they wish;
         In their ignorance don't fish."

So the opening rhyme, juxtaposed against this deep couplet, reinforces the meaning of the poem . . . . at least as I hear it.

And the deeper couplet . . . how powerful. Incidentally, if there is only one little minor suggestion I can make, it would be to put a comma after learn as well as after ignorance in that couplet. Interesting that this is the only place I find any punctuation problems . . . I wonder if that is by your choice as well?

But again, who am I but one Reader?

By the way, I love it when a poem can educate, especially ORALLY. For one, invoking the God "Ram" is a stroke of total creativity. But for two . . . . I always read this as rhyming with Sam . . . not Calm. Very interesting . . . .

Back to sharing with you the Reader's experience:

As you know, I subscribe to a philosophy I call multi-valence. Consider that the ultimate practice of this is religion. With this in mind, I love the couplet,

         "It is easier to teach,
         than to follow what we preach."

Excellent! And then the next couplet, as stated above, caused me, the Reader, to pause and reflect on its meaning as well as the entire poem:

         "Help others learn if they wish;
         In their ignorance don't fish."

You see, this couplet, nestled in the middle of the poem, pulls it all together, from cliche' to powerful . . . juxtaposition already noted, and establishes the meaning of the poem.

This is EXACTLY what needs to end when it comes to the way religious people try to spread their own understanding of the meaning in the message they have heard. They are as enthusiastic about this message as I am this poem. But they do not recognize Multi-valence . . . with emphasis on the prefix. Instead, they believe their own interpretation is the only and best interpretation.

For me to declare that my own understanding of your poem here is the ONLY and the BEST understanding, and then maybe even add that if you do not agree with my understanding you will burn in hell for all of eternity . . . . . THAT is fishing upon one's ignorance.

But again, back from meaning to mechanics . . . yes, in these two lines you have inspired me to reflect further upon the entire poem. This in turn caused me to return to the poem a second and third time.

I find another example of surface versus deeper meaning. Interestingly, it is also a merger of meaning and mechanics. Throughout the poem, you are trying to maintain seven syllables per line as a structure to the poem. In an attempt to help you find potential opportunities for pruning and/or fertilization of this organic work of art, I originally wrote:




I read the line,

         "To fight by his name, inspired}

as eight syllables, rather than seven. This can be remedied by removing the preposition, "To."


But then is it eight syllables or seven? Who am I, but one Reader. Another may have his or her own interpretation. I certainly wouldn't fight over this. It is just a poem. My understanding . . . the meaning I get from it . . . . is as valid as the next Readers . . . but no more valid than that.

But what if I was to say, "Those who don't read "ired" as two syllables should give up poetry." . . . . there I'm fishing in the ignorance of persons just wanting to get it right. There I'm using their lack of confidence, their inability to recognize and accept artistic license, their lack of the knowledge of anomaly . . . to convince them that MY valence is the right valence.

And the poem is right,

         Your and their god is the same,
         Differing only in name.

Yet, why do we fight over religion? No religion preaches anything but love and tolerance.

So thus, if there is a line that would make sense to be an anomaly to the seven syllable structure, it would be the two lines:


         To fight, by His name inspired!
         Of this game, He must be tired.


both of which could be interpreted as seven or eight syllables. Would it be foolish for me to declare that any Reader who says "no, that's seven lines" is going to burn in hell for the rest of time? Of course!

Really cool.

And if . . . as you read this review . . . you are thinking "I never even dreamed to establish that meaning" . . . . then you are experiencing the Poet's end of what I mean by "multi-valence!"

The muse speaks to us, and often we do not know what it means. We just listen . . . .

. . . . . and then we decide how to name our poem. Judge Not may be a bit overused, but so is religious war. And who am I to judge? I should not judge. I should read, reflect, learn my lessons, and thank the Poet.

Thank you!

Do not change a thing about this poem. Even the punctuation. Great work! I love it!!!

Dan Sturn
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Review of Death  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an interesting poem about indifference and equanimity. I like your ability to express concisely. The rhythm is good, and the repetition is well placed. I would work a bit on the punctuation. When I read a poem, if there is no punctuation at the end of a line I immediately sound the first word of the next line. This doesn't seem to work in a couple of places in the poem. For example:

In a state I know not
A state I wish never to live through

seems to work better if there is a comma or maybe even a dash at the end of the first line. The way I get a better handle on this is to read my poems out loud. The punctuation is very important to me, as it helps communicate to the Reader the pauses, and length of pauses, you wish the poem to deliver.

For example, try reading the following out loud:

In a state, I know not--
A state, I wish never to live through.

versus:

In a state I know, not
a state I wish never to live through.

Anyway, this is just picayunish rambling about punctuation. The poem's meaning touches me. The fact is, we all "eat gaily in ignorance" as we muddle through our lives, indifferent to the suffering around us. A poem like this reminds us that we are all connected, and we are all in this together.

Thanks for writing it!

Dan Sturn
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Review of May Angels Watch  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this poem, which to me, without knowing a lot about poetry types, is an "aspiration poem" because it sends love and warmth to the Reader. It's almost like a prayer, except it does not invoke any particular god. Well, I guess it invokes Angels, but any religion can claim them, and I like that.

The images in this poem are great as well, beginning with the first line:

May Angels watch from distant lighthouses,.

That image starts the entire poem, draws the Reader in. The notion of an Angel watching me from a distant lighthouse conjures a feeling of confidence, of luck. That's followed two lines later by an interesting use of the word spouses which, in its plural form, indicates this is a prayer for a group of people, not just one Reader. To me this highlights the continuous dialog between Poet and Reader, the premise that a poem is the Poet's way to become immortal, to leave a message to untold numbers of persons way into the future.

The message of this poem is that there IS a God, and that the God can grant us the true good things in life. Which interestingly is the last line of the second stanza:

May they send you all good things.

Good is in italics in the poem, and this line is found by the Reader only when the the fact that the aspirations are for non-material benefits is being noticed. In other words, the Poet has kept time with the Reader in this particular poem. This again exudes the ongoing dialog between Poet and Reader. I'm LOVING it!!!

Structurally this poem is sound. Four stanzas of four lines each, abab all the way baby!

I'm glad I chose to read this poem today. I wanted to review a poem before I returned to work, and I feel the warmth of this poem will make my day much better. I am inspired to breath good things on those with whom I speak.

Perhaps this poem turns me into a bit of an Angel if at least for a day . . . or until the next big problem makes me forget this special part of my day!

Dan Sturn
66
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I've always heard of the Battle of New Orleans and now thanks to Lou, I know what it was about!

This great poem not only incorporates a story with lots of action, but also informs the Reader. What a great way to pay tribute to those who earned us our freedoms while at the same time informing us of what happened in the War of 1812. What I like most: the way you helped us realize the bloodshed was in January of 1815!

It starts and ends with lyrics to historical songs, which adds interest, builds context, and (in the end) creates balance (starting with one side, ending with the other) as well as anti-climax.

I uttered a grunt of humor when Old Hickory said "They're only rockets." Good line. I wonder if that is based on truth, or if it is your own envisioning.

There is at least one opportunity for improvement. The third line of your third stanza starts with the wrong their . . . . I'm thinking you meant to use the word: there instead.

Another opportunity might not really be an area of improvement, just a suggestion. I lament that you had to mark this poem as 18+ . . . . the younger people get interested in our history, the better it will be for all of us. I have two teenage daughters and I would not see this poem as inappropriate. I can not see what caused you to make this judgment, and wonder about the ratings in my own work. Are you sure you are not needlessly cutting out a very important audience? I can see this poem to be useful in a high school history class, for example.

The names you choose for America's finest . . . . are they real? They definitely seem real.

You even use proper dialect, which only furthers the cause of history in this excellent poem. And appropriate wording, such as freshet. And then you end it with a hymn.

Nice touch!

Dan Sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
i really like it.

the rythmn is of course taken care of by the haiku format, but the imagery matches that rythmn well.

it is the type of poem that lures me out in the morning
to be in the present moment,

and brings anticipation for the spring, only so I can skip through the summer to the wonderful images of autumn.

very well written. a rare 5 rating for this one.

hello everybody on the reviewing page, CHECK THIS ONE OUT!!!

dan sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, great poem. I know you said it was one of your first, but I love it.

If I may make a few suggestions. First, try to use some imagery. Describe the tramp somehow.

Second, I would rename this to "The Tramp." Reason why, is that it would be more interesting in my opinion.

I love the morale in this story.

Dan Sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beyond the fact that the wild title caused me to choose this story, and I normally read poetry . . .

I was initially caught by the trick meaning in "antique poodle." What? Is it a toy? Is it an old pet? What is it? I find out with the excellent abrupt ending, but before that . . . .

Suddenly you skipped to the two cats that "own you." EXACTLY. THAT'S EXACTLY IT WITH CATS.

The part about "cat-itude" is rather cliche. I'd leave it out. Put "you see" in its own separate paragraph. Maybe follow it with, "this is how they treat me" or something like that.

There's a typo in the first line of the third paragraph . . . she her only litter . . . . is missing "had."

I think this could be excellent if you could put it in verse form. Let me know if you'd like me to try that for you. I think it would be really interesting. Kind of a neat collaboration.

Good job, keep it up!

Dan Sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Intwo Deep

Again, a great poem! I chose this because of the title: I can still laugh at you . . . .

My presupposition, I guess, was that this was going to be that classic slam at an old lover . . . someone who dumped you or abused you prior to your ending the relationship . . . . I don’t know . . . . .

But in reading it for the fourth time, I don’t see that at all. In fact, to me this poem is about Self-Hatred . . . as if the Poet is talking about the Poet . . . . as if



The deep
the desire
the demon



were not external to the Poet . . . but in fact referred to inner character issues with the Poet.

By the way, your use of mechanical devices is great in this and your other poems . . . . the consonance is not unnoticed in the above three lines, and the assonance works well in the second to the last line: Attack, retract, relax, look back . . . . well done!

. . . . and I absolutely LOVE the way the above three lines are immediately contrasted with such wonderful imagery . . .



Welcome to the happy lands
it rains candy on saturdays
(empty hands and swollen pockets)



. . . . wow! . . . .

The images again are extremely original . . . “ it rains candy on Saturdays

(by the way, I corrected Saturdays by capitalizing it . . . . I’m not sure if you intended that grammar error or not, it could work well if on purpose . . . )

Love the image: (empty hands and swollen pockets)

. . . . and again the surprise ending . . . . you’re really into surprise endings, aren’t you! . . . . .

I love it. And wonder again if it is not about a dream or meditation or a daydream . . . .

And once again, you’ve left a typo in there interesing should of course be interesting

All and all, great poem, please write more!!!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Intwo Deep:

Love it! Abstract but full of wonderful meanings . . . . I love the way the verse itself ripples like small waves jumping out of the water . . . .

ripples jolted off into the grass I was taken back and in a way still swelling and morphing

coupled with the mystery . . .

They went to the lake and never came back.

Meanwhile the jammed lines work well with the overall rippling rhythm . . . and you keep them images coming and in doing so continue the ripple effect . . . some of the images are filled with texture . . .

Hollow in the same way the forest floor feels.

while others are downright gory . . .

split my being in half. or . . . chatter battered my brain until only goo was left

. . . . . that last one being such a great description of that darn brain running on and on . . . words I’ve been trying to find for such a long time are right here in your poem.

and then the surprise ending . . . . at least as I read it . . . . it’s all part of a meditation . . . . and the ending is sooooo much like words I’ve been trying to find. Like I said . . . . I LOVE IT!!!

Please remember to e-mail me when you fix the typo in the last line . . . . and I’ll change my rating to a 5.0!

Dan Sturn


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of A child's smile  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hmmmmm.

Dreamer,

Interesting haiku . . . the first line really catches me, shatters my preconceptions.

The second line has me puzzled wondering if child is one or two syllables . . . technically of course it is one syllable. But in poet-speak, it seems to be almost two syllables. Chi-ald. That in itself makes this haiku interesting.

The nature reference in line one is well-done. Plus I like the personification of the third line.

Great job!

Dan Sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Viv,

Again, great job.

Your selection of terms to present is great for the novice Poet because they can be combined to help the Poet learn to write poetry. In this lesson you do not set any expectations of an exercise. Still, I would think this to be an excellent place to put exercises such as “Let’s learn to love alliteration. List three words you could use in one line that all begin with the same letter.”

Again you refer to inversion but do not define it. Since it was mentioned and left undefined in your introduction, I immediately looked for it.

What is really great about your approach is your use of examples. So often poetic terms are listed without examples.

Consider putting the examples right after the definitions, so it easier for the reader to grasp the meaning. Otherwise, while reading the examples, the reader would have to jump up to the definition.

One suggestion in the form of a question: Are these your own poems or are they from others’ works?

I don’t understand your dividing the terms into two sections. What makes “other terms” different than your original list of terms?

Mechanics: I think “enjambement:” should be spelled “enjambment.”

All your examples work very well, with the exception of the example for caesura, which needs an explanation or note at the bottom. I love your example for enjambment, it really drives the point home.

Again, this is really good. Are you offering a class somewhere?

Dan
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Review of What is Poetry?  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Angie,

Some background: I have been a member for nine months and in this time I have never reviewed a “non-poem” until now. I am intrigued with this work you are doing and thus want to contribute with my feedback.

I’m looking forward to reading and reviewing all elements of this work. My first suggestion for improvement is to put an introduction to your introduction, so it is easier for us to review it . . . . what are you trying to accomplish here. Are these lecture notes? A start of a how-to book? What is it you are trying to accomplish. This probably won’t make it into the body of the actual work, but I would appreciate knowing more about it.

Overall, the work is powerfully concise. I am able to reflect on each sentence. As an avid poet, I am compelled to discuss or debate with some of your points. In this first review, I will refrain from doing that because I’m not sure what you are looking for in my reviews.

You start by defining a goal, and use the word “exercise” immediately. This word causes me to think: ”I’ll be writing something as a result of reading this.”

Mechanically this is almost impeccable, however there is an extra space between the 2nd and 3rd points. Also, I’m not a good footnote person, but you may want to look into the format of your references, depending on what you’re doing here (see the first paragraph of this review) and be sure to be consistent throughout.

I love your third point, invoking EA Robinson’s definition. I wonder if this shouldn’t be in more of a quote format. Also, I wonder if you shouldn’t expound a little more leading into it. “Poetry describes what can’t be described in words.” Something like that.

Your fifth point under content needs more teeth or needs to be removed. What do you mean, “dignified, usually.”

Sometimes you invoke terms, phrases without explanation. For example, what is meant by “sense impression” or “inversion.” An example of where you handle this very well is “synecdoche (the part represents the whole)”. Of course, you could argue that this is the introduction and if you answered all these questions the Reader would have no reason to go to chapter 2! I am wanting more. This is good, right?

The outline or chapter or notes or whatever this is seems to end with no conclusion or reiterations, which again leads me to need to know more what you're trying to do here. Finally, I’m disappointed at the end because I thought this was an exercise. Don’t I get to write something here?

Overall, this is a great start . . . the introduction seems to be all-inclusive and a great basis for defining the indefinable. Makes me want to write a poem . . . ah, that will be my exercise!

Great job. Please steer me as I continue to review the rest of the work in this folder.

Dan Sturn
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Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
hmmmmm. Really interesting, major potential with this poem.

The ending is amazing.

There is a pounding rhythm in this poem, the gait trips up a little in places (see below), but the rhythm of this poem is one of its best features.

I'm left wondering, why 222? What's the significance of this number?

Meanwhile, in places I trip as a reader, because you have such a good gait going and then switch away from it for no apparent reason. For example . . .


leaving me more than a little broken each time,everything that was sensitive in me transformed,
into a mutation of walls and really just don't give a damn airs,

caused me to stop and retread at the word, "into." I think one way to resolve this would be to repeat the word transformed, or use a synonym on the repeat. Something like this:


leaving me more than a little broken each time,everything that was sensitive in me transformed,
distorted, a mutation of walls and really-just-don't-give-a-damn airs,

Also note that I hyphenated the six words you are combining as one adjective in my proposed resolution. I think that would make it easier to read.

Unless, of course, you intended the Reader to stop there and re-group. This is just an example of what I see throughout. I think when you do so well at rhythmn, with such forceful pounding, the phrases that stray from the rhythm stick out as an anomoly much more. If this is your intention, great job!

Otherwise, very great angry poem. You certainly created a mood of angry irritation.

Great job!

Dan Sturn
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