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76
76
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sunflower,

I rated this article a 5.0. I try to NEVER rate that high. I think you wrote it very well, the link you put at the end of it is fascinating, and quite frankly it's great to see somebody actually has the courage to initiate discussion about literary scams in any forum.

My only suggestion for improvement would be to move that link up higher in the article . . . . also, it rambles a little off-subject at times, but the rambles are interesting.

Otherwise, your article initiate thought and informs many of us who need to be informed about poetry contests and scams.

Great job!

Dan
77
77
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sunflower in Texas:

This is a very interesting, humorous, light poem. It has a lot of potential. And it’s a great idea. Polish this baby and it will surely be publishable.

As far as the polishing goes, though . . . .

The gait is not consistent. Try to select a meter and then stick to it. You can do it, I’ve read your other poetry! Here’s an example:


For puposeful stress reduction
I bought a pool to put in the yard.
The dog ate up the plastic sides
When I let off my guard.


is read (at least by me) as

duh dum dum duh dum duh dum dum
duh dum duh dum duh dum dum duh dum
duh dum duh dum duh dum dum dum
dum dum dum dum dum dum

or something like that . . . that last line just doesn’t cut it, and the second and third lines, though close, leave you disappointed because though close they are not exact. You could change this as follows:


For purposeful stress reduction
I built a pool in the back yard.
The dog ate the plastic sides when,
relaxing I let down my guard.


Do you see how the gait has consistency in my version? Let’s drum it . . .

duh dum dum duh DUM duh dum dum,
duh dum duh duh dum duh duh dum
duh dum dum duh DUM duh dum dum,
duh dum duh duh dum duh duh dum

By the way, note how I changed the spelling of “purposeful” . . . . :)

Anyway, the inspiration you had was a great one . . . these type of poems are sought by magazines because they lighten up the Reader’s spirit with a tale we can all relate to. Poets like Mary Howitt or Edward Lear were noticed because of their light verse.

Polish this poem, and keep them coming!

Dan Sturn
78
78
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
VerySara,

This poem is deep without appearing deep. It has multivalence*** on many levels. I really like it a lot. Definitely one worth returning to. Definitely on my favorites list.

First, the quote at the beginning in itself is excellent. I love it by itself, but at the end of the first reading I must return to it and begin to draw a line . . . you have the Reader interacting with your poem. Great job . . .

The poem’s “narrative” is interesting, starting with a critique of the Reader’s own cynical assumptions about the indifferent culture, then bringing us to the individual elements of that culture, painting a picture of hope and enthusiasm and anything but apathy . . .

Then in one beautiful sentence:


I see saints in the making,
giving alms and aiding the ill and
the poor. This homeless ecclesiastical
frieze blends with the balustrades
of the subway, whose white sienna marble
turns hue with the daylight and opens
onto the downstairs where walls are
the color of ripening winter wheat.


and yet that is certainly not a climax, for it is followed by:


There is more going on than you care
to consider. Too much happens


and then, in my interpretation, the anticlimax, the “morale of the story” so to speak, is the proposition that we modify our interpretation of what we believe connects us . . . again more multivalence again and again . . .

Mechanically it is flawless in grammar and spelling. The gait or rhythm is established well and maintained. You’ve used alliteration well and I like your line-wraps. A good example of how fun it is to read aloud is as follows:


turns hue with the daylight and opens
onto the downstairs where walls are
the color of ripening winter wheat.


The consonance of the wh—really works well, ending with winter wheat. (the imagery is great also.)

My only complaint about the poem, and this in no way detracts from the quality of the poem, is the title. “Poem for JM.” It’s disappointing. I don’t know who JM is (though I’m guessing it’s your husband) and I don’t find that the title lends anything to the poem. I’d encourage you to consider changing the title, maybe use it to connect the quote to the poem.

As I reread it, I keep smiling at the phrase:


Oh, we have all had our bad times,
but that is no longer the common ground.


Talking about a great way to introduce your proposal to redefine our way of thinking about what connects us. And what does this line do? In a sigh, it introduces the potential for multiple multivalence, like the poem is merely a connection between the Reader and the Higher Power . . .

(and incidentally the way I read it, awareness itself, our Consciousness, the fact that we EXIST is the most basic fundamental connection. )

Overall, the poem is one I must return to. Reading it aloud is pleasurable.

What poem do you want me to read next?





***Know that I believe the Poet is merely a vessel, or a conduit from “the God to the Reader,” and the Poem as a message has many meanings because “the God” has different things to say to different people. I call this Multivalence. I reject the notion that there is a correct interpretation of literature. If one believes “The Road Not Taken” is a lament about making the wrong choices, the poem served its purpose for that person no matter what others believe.



79
79
Review of Speak Up Child  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
stefanirose,

An emotionally charged poem about trying to control emotions, being beat down by someone you thought you loved, reacting to always being "wrong."

Imagery starts out great with lines like:


piling up and scrambling over each other
kicking and scratching their way up
packed together like sardines
wanting to rush out in one furious swoosh


all in describing your desire to speak but your effortrs to control and say nothing.

I like the line:


last four hundred and sixty two times I did that

because it paints a quick picture of continual verbal abuse. However . . .

Is there meaning in "462?" When using a number like that in a poem, an opportunity is created for symbolism as well as alliteration, etc. Consider the impact if instead of saying "462" you said, "six-hundred sixty-six" or "nine-hundred and eleven" or even "thirteen hundred" . . .

the poem then shifts into an almost internal dialogue that is very interesting and helps the Reader understand even more about the relationship.

Finally it ends with a stab of self-righteousness.

I really liked the poem, certainly tells a story and inspires Readers who may be in a bad relationship. Have you tried publishing it?

Great job, keep writing!

Dan Sturn
80
80
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. Great job!

This poem exudes what I call multivalence. Many meanings beyond the literal. For one, it caused me to reflect on my own job, how I set goals for it, and how the fantasy-world beckons me to take a break. Meanwhile, I’m picking up some “lessons” related to the instructions coming from the telephone . . . . the desire to abandon our current work to pursue more dreams, to “discover more.”

I’m not sure of the symbolism, which on the first read is normal for me, and invites me to return for a third and fourth read at the least. But the fact that St. Augustine could refer to the city in Florida, or it could refer to Augustine of Hippo (the African saint, from around 400AD) already has me wondering.

The imagery stands out with excellent phrases such as “long snout of a roan horse” or “encrusted brown skin” or (referring to sunflowers) . . . . “dark centers bleed into gold.” That last one conjured just the right image for the end of the poem. Sunflowers can symbolize adoration or haughtiness, but to me in this context they seem to symbolize stretching, reaching for the sky, going beyond our current work to pursue more lofty goals and dreams.

The first goal of the poem is achieved because it leaves the Reader entertained. The story is an end in itself and very interesting. The images coupled with your sparse dialog keeps the Reader interested every stanza of the way.

A little housekeeping . . . check the door,apple in the second line of the second stanza, and the spelling of instructions and knowledge in the third stanza, as well as behavior in the sixth.

I like the wrap-around affect used throughout the poem, where one line wraps into the next stanza (like:

“the third call,

A suckling pig”

I love your use of paradox throughout the poem. First, the way you juxtapose modern acts with fantasy worlds helps us escape the fierce world of our century, assigning ourselves goals to make x number of calls before y o’clock. (as a suggestion, consider using variables instead of numbers in that first stanza.) But no, we are distracted by something . . . in the case of this poem, beautifully


“A suckling pig
Appeared at my door, apple in mouth.
The pig was served up
on the long snout of a roan horse:
I could not speak.”

Consider condensing the above to

“A suckling pig
appeared at my door, apple in mouth,
served up on the long snout of a roan horse:
I could not speak.”

Eliminating the passive unnecessary verb seems to pull the Reader into the fantasy quicker. Just a thought.

Anyway, back to your use of paradox . . . “swallowtail butterflies” and “warm November sun” are two more examples, and their effect is to reinforce the escapism feeling.

Another area of improvement could be in condensing the fifth stanza from:

“I as astonished that the sun had
immediately gone
to the heart of the matter
with a sword of six words.
I fell to my knees and faced the sky.
I thought perhaps I was being prepared
for a Vision.”

to:

“I as astonished the sun had
immediately gone
to the heart of the matter
with a sword of six words,
fell to my knees and faced the sky,
thinking perhaps I was preparing
for a Vision.”

I suggest this because first of all I love your use of the two words, “I as” . . . this is a very beautiful sound and adds to the overall imagery you are creating. But the Reader starts to trip when he runs into the big period at the end of “six words.” It doesn’t make a complete sentence as it is written.

Of course all these are my own humble thoughts. The fact you can dream up such great poetry is a testament to your own skills and good judgment.

Finally, I love how you get the Reader to ponder the ethics of the food chain . . . . :)

Great job! If you think to remind me in a few weeks, I’ll read and review this again.

Dan Sturn
81
81
Review of Garden Thoughts  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Lobelia,

I’ve so little time these days I’m very thankful to Synchronicity Itself that I tripped on this poem to review tonight.

This is an excellent illustration of what I (with an educational background in architecture) call multivalence. It’s a term used in architectural theory that applies easily to poetry. Garden Thoughts is an interesting poem with multiple layers of meaning, luring the reader in one side with the belief it is a nature poem and out the other end wondering if it is about Jesus himself or just the average-extraordinary, everyday-totally-unique believer! And in the middle, the experience of the poem leads the reader into a deeper understanding of “The Now.”

The title of a poem is such a great opportunity to add another dimension and you’ve seized this opportunity!

Because a lot of times I wonder what readers think my poems mean, I offer the following twist on my review:

You start your poem standing up for the status quo, then your second stanza, if read one way, tries to undo the doings of the Passion . . . .

Leave the gold within the coffers
And rope unstrung.
Give them mirth in other games,
Leaving crowns to children’s play.
Let hands remain unwashed for now,
And lash unused.

is read by me to mean:

Don’t pay Judas,
yet don’t let him hang himself either,
let the Romans find other ways to entertain themselves,
don’t crown Jesus with the thorns,
don’t even let Pilate wash his hands of the judgement he made
and for heavens sake, don’t whip Jesus.


Enough of the literal interpretation . . . . there’s many layers of meaning in this poem. the deep level of meditation, causing time to stop . . . it’s like you’re balancing between turning back the hands of time and letting what happened happen. What a way to bring the reader into the NOW.

Then, for one who does not know the gospel, the poem could be viewed as the Poet’s tribulations . . . . again stopping time but to listen, to avoid the judgment, to surrender to “the muse” in an effort to keep the mind out of the process of transcribing the heart.

Great job. No suggestions for improvement. Excellent poem!


Dan Sturn
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82
82
Review of God's On Vacation  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hmmmmm . . . very good!

For one, I like the poem's proposition . . . that the deep and invisible order here on Earth, runs even when God is turning his back.

The cadence is interesting, not redundant but still easy to read.

I have a couple of suggestions. First, and this is personal preference, but I believe the title is a very important piece of real estate and it's unnecessary to repeat it in the first line of your poem.

MEanwhile, the structure of the poem is excellent until the end, when you quatrain grows an extra line. I suggest you move the first line of the last stanza to the first line of the first stanza. Doing this would solve the structure problem plus make an excellent introduction.

So instead of:


God is on vacation,
The seraphims are on sick leave.
Heaven's gone amuck,
And Earth has gone awry.


you would have the following opening stanza:

Something out there is tending to the big picture,
The seraphims are on sick leave.
Heaven's gone amuck,
And Earth has gone awry.


Meanwhile, that first line is out of cadence . . . so you might want to change it to fit the cadence of the rest of the poem. One suggestion I'd have would be to prune it to:


Something tends the big picture
The seraphims sleep on sick leave.
Heaven's gone amuck,
And Earth has gone awry.


Meanwhile, I like how you repeat the word: re-runs. (I think re-runs is the accurate spelling of the word, you might want to check that.) I like how you introduce that that angels are watching the re-runs, then you come back to that notion and introduce us to the notion that they are watching re-runs of the Poet's life. (and crying).

I believe this has some multivalence . . . this poem has a lot of great potential. Keep on it!

Thanks for writing it!

Dan Sturn
83
83
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Okay,

This is an interesting poem especially in its form, or lack of form . . . or metaform maybe . . . I'm not sure if you are trying out a visual effect or not, but if you back away from it and squint your eyes it makes an interesting figure.

I don't like the way all the names are listed . . . it seems to drag on just a little too long . . . but that's just my opinion.

Content-wise, it's interesting the emphasis being placed on the name of the Poet's next "forbidding heartache." I like your use of italics on the word now . . .

Great imagery . . .

And will you chain me to my passions there
To let me rot from my desires?

Great cadence.

Keep it up!

Dan
84
84
Review of If I  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hmmmmm.

I love the structure. I am one of those poets who likes repetition when used right and this is a great example of that. The call and response mode sets up a rhythm of its own that complements what would otherwise be couplets.

Then at the end, the structure changes, but I have to say I was disappointed in the last line, primarily because I found it cliche'. Is there a better way to say "you can change it all."

You have great imagery . . . I especially liked If I saw an empty space,
where someone had just been,
I would know it was you.

Thanks for writing it!

Dan Sturn
85
85
Review of Just One Thing  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very good. Very good.

Heart-breaking, but good!

It's interesting that some of the rhyming words you chose almost seem like two-beat words, though they are of course one syllable rhymes. tear and here, toy and boy, lair and [des]pair. I'll be coming back to that in a few weeks. Is it intentional?

I like the tension of the almost-rhyme when the Poet takes the fall . . . doll, all. Great job!

The cadence seems to break in

that could do just one thing...
And this is where I fell
in a jealous rage



I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. You could change "in" to "into" and then have the same beat structure as the line: that could do just one thing... .

But leaving the beat off like that certainly prepares the Reader, and the Reader's voice, for the transition to anger.

This poem is indeed excellent. I think I'll be checking out more of your portfolio.

Thanks for writing it!

Dan Sturn
86
86
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Mr. Kraken,

This article, though long, should be read by all serious reviewers. You made thought-provoking points, thought I don't agree with all of them, primarily because I've developed my own rating system. Still, the article helps me "enhance" my own rating system.

For example, I never contemplated when I would give the "uh-oh, one point oh." You give a 1.0 based on your perception that the writer did not put any effort in the work AND did not have a good intention.

I have not given a 1.0 yet, and expect if I found a piece that deserved a 1.0, I would not review it. But having read your article, I now preconceivethat I reserve 1.0 ratings for poems that have what I would consider to be "malicious intentions."

The key is the word "preconceive." (I know, it's not a word but I'm a poet and thus get to use words that aren't words!) Put concisely, your article inspired me to develop my own rating system, rather than blindly rate work without a method to my madness.

Your article is well structured and every point you make has a place in it. However, my major suggestion for improvement would be to find some way to write it tighter . . . what you are saying is very important and at first I almost left without reading it, for I was intimidated by its length.

A good example of what I mean by writing tighter can be your utilization of phrases such as, "and I'll tell you why." This may be a part of your style and by itself is fine, but in a piece this long, I feel the phrase is superfluous.

I definitely agree with your statement about a low rating without a review. I have decided that if I can not give a review, I will not give a rating. Again, this decision was formalized thanks to your article.

I would like to propose that some people don't review because they feel unqualified . . . and there is a great article out there on that by Jessiebelle:

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I found your article definitely worth the read, and I appreciate your writing it. Though I am giving you a 4.0 rating on my scale, you deserve a 5.0 on yours. :)

Dan Sturn
87
87
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow,

This is an excellent piece. The cadence and rhyming are excellent. The use of the quatrain supports the entire theme.

But what I liked most about this was your use of color. Beyond the red, white, and blue (which was a great idea too), I liked how the tone changed with each color change.

A couple of potentially capricious suggestions for improvement: consider putting a comma after "by love" in the last line . . . to slow the reader down a little. I realize that technically you don't need a comma there, but I think the poem would read better if the reader paused just a touch after the word love.

The second is that the first line of that second stanza seems to be out of cadence:

And that’s where our minds were
Not on our God up above
Not on our needy neighbors
Nor of reaching out in love




. . . I'm not sure how to improve it, but I'll forward this suggestion to see if it sparks any thought on your part, if you even agree that it is out of cadence . . . a possible change would be:

. . .
There our minds had dwelled
Not on our God up above
Not on our needy neighbors
Nor of reaching out in love


The "moral of the story" needs to be told and told again, that we were very arrogant and 911 taught us what was truly important in our life. Loved the ending as well.

Thanks for writing it!

Dan Sturn
88
88
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey this is a great start on a piece that could be very interesting and creative. It seems more like an outline for a good essay than a poem.

And yet, each description you assign to each "good ole boy" brings a nod of agreement from me.

I agree the new ones are nowhere as good as those you mention.

Keep writing!

Dan
89
89
Review of Here & Now  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lobelia (the Mamma Hobbit!)

Now you're talking my language. I love this!!!

Wow, the hours clothed. Talking about a great image that helps further the understanding of the moment. Contentment . . . what a them to counterbalance your other themes of "hope."

This poem REALLY moved. me. I'm trying to lower my average rating score to be closer to 3.5 and then I go and read this! :)

I love the consonance and alliteration in "Reckless tumble of relentless time pauses." The juxtaposition of the r and t with the long e and the short e . . . fosters the feeling of the struggle between time passing and time stopping.

My one complaint is that you use the ampersand (&) instead of spelling out "and." Is that sloppiness or are you trying to convey something there?

Great job!

Thanks for writing this.

Dan
90
90
Review of Gethsemane  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Lobelia

I’m reading this like it’s a sermon and I’m sitting in the back pew of a wonderfully tall Church, spelled with a capital C on purpose, for this crosses not only the boundaries of denominations but also of religion in general.

I was surprised your abrupt introduction of the miscarriage, and feel that unless you intended a reaction of distraction, maybe a little more introduction to this experience is needed, like an explanation of when and how it happened. But then if this is a sermon then the parishioners would already know about the miscarriage, and thus it would need no introduction.

[at this point I’d like to say that I’m sorry to hear about your loss.]

I find your rationale for the loss, your making the lemonade from the lemon, is admirable. But you go beyond that so well to turn the terrible uncontrollable event into a sacrifice to God.

I don’t like the punctuation in “Our share in Christ’s passion isn’t restricted just to times when life is lost or absent, though.” Even if it is technically correct, it is hard to read. I think you can drop the word: “though” entirely.

What strikes me is how similar the world religions really end up being. I recently saw the Dali Llama in Bloomington, Indiana, and he spoke at great length about “contentment.” We Americans are experts in discontent. We should see both fruitlessness and fruitfulness as lessons given to us by God. Instead, we are always seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, and thus we miss the lessons available to us in the emotions.

The fact that you as a Christian view suffering and pleasure as an opportunity to share in Christ’s passion resonates with me, and I am impressed with the depth and maturity of your faith. You have obviously seen your ordeal as a lesson, and more importantly it taught you to see all events in your life as lessons delivered to you by Jesus Christ, and as opportunities to exalt in his glory.

Finally, the reference to Philippians 4:11-13, while a traditional way to end a sermon, is very synchronistic to Buddha’s teaching, or the Dharma, related to pleasure/pain, gain/loss, fame/disgrace, and praise/blame . . . . my point being that the secret of facing the extremes of “good and evil” is what Dharma or God or Jesus Christ (in the language of St. Paul) is all about.

I liked this a lot. Keep writing!

Dan
91
91
Review of Dawn  
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Love the imagery. Definitely invokes what is great about morning . . . the birds calling the sun to rise.

I guess what I would do to improve it is try to think, what does this scene mean metaphysically? Dawn . . . the beginning, time to start over. Then I would change the name to reflect that. So I'd name it, "Starting Over."

But then that's me, and what is so great about poetry is that what you do with it is totally right for you.

Good job,

Keep writing.

Dan
92
92
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem invokes a feeling that I've been on a journey and now I'm almost to my destination. I can see what I've been struggling to get. And it is what I wanted.

I like it.

For one, the title is very unified with the last line. For two, the way the last line invites the poet to continue on the journey.

I think this could easily be a poem at the beginning of a book about a struggle. Consider sending this to publishers of nonfiction books, possibly sports books, which are usually about a star's long journey to stardom.

I really like it. As far as room for improvement, and I'm not sure if this would be good or not, but I like reviews where the reviewer at least tries to suggest an improvement, you may want to change the last line to "heaven opening." It's still active, but it keeps the rhythm of the first line. Of course, you may want to change that rhythm to signify the action. But it's a suggestion.

The word "feckless" is a great choice.

Great job,

Keep writing.

Dan
93
93
Review by Dan Sturn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Wow I enjoyed this story and I have a few suggestions. I’m a poet and not a story-writer so consider this while reading my review.

Before I make my suggestions, let me say that the most important thing you’d done is get this story down on paper. I hope you revisit it somewhere down the road, because I think it has a lot of potential but also a lot of areas where it can be improved.

Also, know that I’m focusing my suggestions on a few areas in order to keep this review short.

I liked the unending action and the whole plot-structure is very good. There were some mechanical errors that tells me you're in an early draft and I guess I'm encouraging you to come back to this after a few months of leaving it alone and edit it so that you can find the mechanical problems. For example: body, “He never smart enough to see the sense

Meanwhile, you have found some great and innovative descriptions, such as: The sound pierced through the silent night, the bullet penetrating into the distance.

Yet, as good as some of your descriptions are, at other times you seem to use words without a lot of thoughtfulness and so again, when you return to this, you may want to revisit some of your word choices. For example: Mark had woken up and

Throughout you do a good job of foreshadowing future events. You do this subtly rather than clubbing us with it, and it could be my poetry-background that makes me like that. The first time I noticed this is: Genja held herself against the dirt cliff wall, wincing in agony as the pain from her ankle shot up her leg.

Later this becomes a good plot element.

Many things are happing to Genja, and I’d really like to see more reflection on how these things make her feel. For example, you’ve done a great job of building a physical conflict/plot (classic man versus man) throughout the story yet I feel you have an excellent opportunity to enhance this with a more metaphysical conflict inside Genja . . . especially at the start of her relationship with Luke. Try to build beyond the obvious feelings she holds for Luke, exploring how she sees him not only physically but spiritually. Consider sprinkling internal dialog early on and throughout pitting her suspicious concerns over how he was involved with Mark against her growing interest in Luke’s reluctant heroics. What intrigues her about Luke beyond the obvious? There’s a huge opportunity to take this story to the next level. Maybe including some sort of insecure question Genja asks meekly as to what about her made Luke change his ways, etc. Is she special? Or is he just tired of killing girls? Is he a savior, or a killer? Can she trust him? He intrigues her. Why? I’d be sure this occurs prior to her giving into her love/passion side in your excellently concise “Genja wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer…” <- --- very well written part, by the way. Simple love-imagery.

Anyway I hope this helps. If my comments have initiated questions don’t be afraid to ask.

Keep writing!

Dan
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