Howdy, Max! This is cool! It has Christmasy fantasy flavor to it (maybe cuz the kid wakes up and believes he's seeing Santa?). To be honest, you kind of had me going in two different directions for a bit when the kid said he'd been 'bad', considering your story was supposed to be about evil vs. evil. I figured the evil robber was going to meet his match with the 'bad' kid! Guess that's what I get for 'figuring', huh? It actually had a happy ending with Frank 'seeing the light' (so to speak) when he remembered what his own father did to him as a kid. And personally, I like the 'evil with principles' reputation you gave to Frank. Even the has a soft spot in his ! As for using the word 'extrinsic', I thought you did a great job with it! I'd be burning the midnight oil for a week trying to think of how to use that word! A couple of tiny niggles:
Is that when you 'fell down(,")(',")
He knew the the tricks all too well. Nice job, my friend! Don't know if this is going to help or not, but I think this is just fine as it is. Kee ponw ritin gon, Max! 'Twas a pleasure to read, and have a fantastic day/evening/tomorrow!
Bon jour, Deome! This is kind of weird, but I like weird pieces, and I can see that you and I share the same tastes. Even though I'm not a vegetarian (far from it!), I've actually had these same thoughts while staring down at the perfect smooth surface of a freshly opened jar of peanut butter. How sick is that? But you went one step further and even wrote a poem about it! I have to say, some of those terms you used were a little bizarre: perfect portrait of virgin beauty? Is it wrong to take the life of such an innocent jar of food? But then you had the peanut butter talking back to you! You murderer! "Why didn't you eat a burger instead?!" Well done, Deome! You've got quite an imagination, and I'm sad to say it, but I share some of it! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for the laughs, and I hope to see back here some day! I want to read about your thoughts when opening a jar of mayonnaise!
Bon jour, Raymond Cathode! By George, I think you've stumbled across a little known phenomenon with this piece, and I'm surprised nobody else has suggested it before now! The mere idea that there really are male workaholics bleeding their lives away behind a desk at work in order to stay away from their wives is a frightening thought, and it should immediately be put to a stop. I realize that may cause you unwarranted employment of your own so these no-good-doers will go home to their wives and stop covering for you, but if that's what it takes, so be it. Believe me, you have my sincerest apologies, but we as a society simply can't let this go on any longer!
OK. That was total sarcasm at its best, or worst, but this really is a neat little piece! The strange thing is that even though I know you were trying to be funny, there's actually lot more truth in this than people realize! 'Marriage evasion and money laundering'? Great job, my friend! For such a short article, you said a mouthful! Kee ponw ritin gon, Raymond, wherever you are! Thanks for the laughs, and I hope to see you back here soon! We need more witty humor like this on WdC!
Hi, Jim! Thank you for posting these little notes about your trips around the world! It's like we get to 'see and know' your destinations, meet the people there, and get a feel for their locale. Most of us probably won't even come close to how many places you've visited, but with these notes we're about as close as possible, and for that I/we thank you! And I'm happy that you have a job that you love every day and can hardly consider it a 'job'! Kee ponw ritin gon, my friend! Once again, thanks for sharing these, and have a marvelous weekend! PS-Have you ever travelled to Anchorage, AK? That's where I was born and grew up for the first 11 years of my life.
Bon jour, Pitbull! Ha! To borrow from a TV show, Kids Say the Darndest Things, don't they? If this is true, I don't think you were too harsh with Colt, and I'm sure you know that he wasn't traumatized more than any other kid on earth! Heck, I had my share of spankings when I was kid, and my father didn't use a slipper! Oh, no. I got the belt! But here's the ironic thing about my spankings and Colt's: there came a time when I was spanked that I stopped crying. Not because they didn't hurt, but because I didn't want my dad to have the satisfaction that the spankings were working! So in a sense, I was saying the same thing Colt was! I just didn't voice it out loud! Well told, Pitbull! And I can see why this placed in that contest! Congratulations! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for the chuckles, and have a marvelous evening/tomorrow/week!
Hello there, SandraLynn! This is pretty good for a flash fiction piece, and even though I don't think (hope!) it's from personal experience, things like this have happened in real life! I've even seen something similar happen to a friend of mine! You did a great job of describing how this unfortunate event happened to not just Rick, but to his wife as well, and I can just picture him there in the hospital literally pleading his case! It's just a good thing his wife was conscious and got him off the hook! If she would have had some issues with him, it could have turned out a lot worse for him! Great spelling and grammar (although I think you could have used some commas), the story flowed smoothly, and that ending was perfect! Kee ponw ritin gon, my friend! Thanks for sharing this, and have a wonderful evening/tomorrow!
Bon jour, KarenSue! I used to cut firewood for a living, and having cut down literally thousands of trees in my life, I had to check this out after reading that title. The way you started this, it didn’t end anywhere close to how I imagined it would. I’ve seen plenty of ‘funny’ home videos where amateur lumberjacks attempt to cut down residential trees, only to have them come down on a car or on a neighbor’s house. So when I read that that last limb was hanging over the neighbor’s house and was being ‘stubborn’, of course I was envisioning the worst case scenario. Happily though, that didn’t happen, and it even had a happy ending (sans all the unwanted attention) with a block party of sorts. The spelling and grammar was good, but I did spot a couple of omitted words(but if they were omitted, Angus, how did you spot them? ):
‘With a rope attached and (our) son in the tree to make the cuts’
‘Although (they) cut almost all the way through’ Kee ponw ritin gon, KarenSue! I’m sorry to hear about your Maple trees, but since you wrote this more than a decade ago, I hope your new trees are thriving!
Hi there, SJ! Please don’t take this wrong, but this is pretty funny. Considering how you described Aunt Dot who met them at the door and gave them hugs, those poor girls must have been terrified! That’s the stereotypical nightmare of all children, both young AND old! And speaking of stereotypical, this really is how Southerners are pictured. I don’t know about them having a ‘family reunion’ and taking pictures around a relative’s coffin is accurate or not, but it wouldn’t really surprise me too much! Well done, SJ! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for the chuckles, have a wonderful day, and I hope to see you back here soon! We miss ya!
Hi, Jim! I thought this was cool, and it's not often I get to read about spider-bots! The idea of this spider-bot being programmed as a missile sponge is pretty unique, and I love the way you told this in such a simple way. Using that prompt phrase like this was also pretty unique, but sadly I guess that proved to be little spider-bot's ultimate downfall as the ship’s controlling Artificial Intelligence had heard that question one too many times. Great job, my friend! I don't know how this did in the contest, but it would have won if I'd been the judge! Kee ponw ritin gon, Jim! Thanks for sharing this, and have a great day! PS-Haven't seen you around here lately! Hope everything's OK!
Hi there, Tales! This isn’t bad for one of your 1st pieces on here, and I think that byline say a lot about this. I took it to mean that in a sense, extraordinary people are just ordinary people anymore. But if you didn’t mean it that way, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being ordinary. People who think they’re extraordinary spend their lives missing the simple and most important things in life, just as you mentioned in the last lines of your stanzas. Which ironically is in complete and perfect contrast t0 the two lines that precede them! A perfect example of this is the 2nd stanza. There were a few lines that felt awkward (odd wording), but you definitely got your point across. Nice job, Tales! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for sharing this, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you’re going to love it here! By the way, I noticed you don’t have any Merit Badges yet. Click on My Account (on the left hand side) > Achievements, and then go back and check your email. You should have a nice little surprise (or 2 or 3) waiting for you there! You only need to do this when you’ve reached certain ‘achievements’. PS-You might want to get your bioblock (biography) set up so we can know a little something about you (hobbies, favorite books/authors, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course. PSS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.
Bon jour, K.M. Baker! This is trippy. Good, but trippy. It started out a little slow, but you gradually picked up the pace as you moved toward that ominous ending. And it seems you like twisted/surprise endings just as much as I do! I don’t see a lot of stories told in the 3rd person, but it worked well for this. Makes it more personal. I’m not too sure about putting so many details into the descriptions, though. Descriptions are good, but with so many in this I thought it kind of dragged it down a tad. Of course, that’s just my opinion, for what that’s worth. What really blindsided me about that ending was the fact that your MC was smiling there at the end when he discovers the missing Mr. Cole Jones! You could have gone two ways with this, but you took the really unique direction. Instead of your MC realizing with sudden horror that HE was the killer, he takes satisfaction gratification and enjoyment in it! Makes me wonder how many other folks he’s eliminated! I guess dreams really do come true! Great spelling and telling, but I do have a comment and suggestions:
‘you sit on your old brown couch(,) that you found along the road somewhere...’ (don’t need that comma)
‘Mr. Jones had gone out for a few drinks(,) at the local bar.’ (same here)
‘The following morning, you wake up, back in the comfort of your own bed.’ (using the word ‘back’ here kind of threw me, since there was no indication that he’d left to begin with. I know we find out later that he obviously did leave, but I think if you’d put a few subtle hints in his ‘dream’ where he felt sick to his stomach and everything went black it would work better. I’m just saying using the word ‘back’ in that sentence didn’t quite work for me)
"Hello(,) Jonesy." (you do need a comma here) Otherwise, three thumbs up! Kee ponw ritin gon, KM! PLEASE!!! You have a lot more talent than I think you know, and I look forward to reading more of your stories!
Ahoy, Paul! This isn’t bad. It’s a good example of why people shouldn’t always jump to conclusions, and since June already had some inside information about their visitors, David should have taken her word for it. Heck, I’d love to visit a haunted house, even if it wasn’t really haunted and just made up for my amusement. Great spelling and grammar, but I did spot a couple of tiny niggles:
“lighten up, David...she and Stan were there...” (Lighten, She) Kee ponw ritin gon, my friend! Thanks for sharing this, and have a great day!
Hello there, Shaved_Space_Monkey! Wow! That's some handle! I like it, though! For such a short piece, this does say a lot. Life can indeed be compared to a jigsaw puzzle, and it's up to us figure out where all the pieces go. The only problem is we have no idea what the picture of the puzzle is going to look like, so we have to envision that picture in our heads while put the pieces to together. Whoah! Did I just write that? That's pretty good. I might have to copyright that! Seriously though, I agree that we need get off our butts and start getting to work, or as I'd like to say, making something of our lives. And since I'm twice your age, let tell that time will go by faster than you know, so make every minute count! I only wish I'd taken my writing more seriously when I was your age. It took me 50 damn years to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, and now it's probably too late! Anyway, sorry to make your eyeballs bleed by having to read this. But there's one last thing I want to say: I read your port intro and your bio, and don't let those 'problems' hold you back! I can tell you've got a good head on your shoulders, and I want you to make the most of your life! And I know you CAN! Kee ponw ritin gon, SSM, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here! PS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.
Greetings, Roman Chadwick! This is pretty good, and it's a nice way to introduce yourself around here. You said what most writers would like to say about how we get our ideas and themes. Granted that might not be exactly where our ideas come from, but it's the basic and fundamental starting point, anyway. I've been writing for most of my life, but only seriously for the last 10 years or so. I've found myself walking around somewhere and I'll see something. And then, without even knowing it, WHAM! It hits me! I'll say to myself, 'Dang! I could use that for a story!' Some folks have asked me where I get my ideas, and although many of them do come from just walking around or seeing something in the News Media, a lot of my ideas are inspired by the contest prompts on this site. In fact, a few of my published stories were inspired by prompts, and I'm proud to say that as a contest owner and judge ("SCREAMS!!!" ), some of my own prompts have inspired stories that other folks have had published! OK. Speaking of 'rambling', I guess that's what I'm doing here, huh? Nice job, RC! A couple of comments: 'I then write down the thoughts that I have collected and sew them into a wonderful fabric of a poem or story.'(well said! ) I'm not sure who Rohan Kishibe is, but he must be a pretty good writer if you want to 'compete' with him! Kee ponw ritin gon (and ram bli ngon!), and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here! PS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.
Buenos dias, Sir Ken! Saw this in The "Comedy Newsletter (October 30, 2019)" and had to take a peek. Glad I did too! Good Lord, what’s this country coming to? When did Donna Rump order the armed services to make Zombies recruit our soldiers? This is purty good. Maybe it’s just me, but the meter seemed a bit off (regarding the syllable count). But for a little Halloween ditty, it’s still cool. However, you could be putting Mom and Dad in danger if those Zombie recruiters track you down! Well done, Amigo! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for the chuckles, and have a holly jolly Halloween!
Hello there, Mysteryanonymous! This is a good start to a longer piece (novel?), and you certainly piqued the reader’s interest. The idea of a car winding up on a deserted planet is pretty wild, and I’m guessing it probably belongs to this unnamed man who seems to be stranded there as well. I’m not sure how that brick wall will come into play, if at all, but you’re opening doors, and that’s good. Comments and suggestions: I don’t think that saying, “A picture explains a thousand words” is what you were looking for. The two I know of are, “A picture paints a thousand words” and “A picture is worth a thousand words”.
‘So here I was, staring with a look of disapproval(,) at the rocky surface of a moon.’ (don’t need that comma) Otherwise, so far, so good. It’ll be interesting to see where you go with this. Kee ponw ritin gon, MA! Thanks for sharing this, and have a wonderfully wicked Halloween!
Hi, Gravedigger Dave! This is pretty deep, and considering how short it is, it really says and means a lot. I think we've all seen those pictures of Arlington Cemetery and others with the tombstones and white crosses lined up practically as far as the eye can see, and it truly makes one realize how much of a sacrifice those brave and young men and women made in order to preserve our freedom. I like how you started it with the 'dark side', then went on to show the courage and their sacrifice, and then finished it with their final resting places, even though they still 'wander'. Bravo, my friend, and well deserving of that ribbon! Kee ponw ritin gon, Gravedigger (rather ironic that somebody with that handle would write something like this! ), and have a terrifyingly terrific Hallo"Weeeeeen!"
Greetings, Niffler! I'm no expert on poetry, but I though this was pretty good. I like your outlook on the afterlife, and I totally agree. I think we'll always 'survive' (for lack of a better word) as long as we are remembered. Not just by our names on our tombstones, but in people's memories. You did a nice job with the rhyming and meter, and some of those lines are golden! My favorite was My life was a quest, journey, a pursuit of pleasure
For leers, for laughs, for loves, for a longing, a lust
For things that were mine, for things that I treasured Well done, my friend! Kee ponw ritin gon, Niffler, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here! PS-You might want to get your bioblock (biography) set up so we can know a little something about you (hobbies, favorite books/authors, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course. PSS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.
Bon jour, Myles! I watch that show Naked And Afraid where a man and woman are left on some desolate island or another planet for 21 day with no clothes, food or water, so they have to ‘live off the land’, so to speak. I found out that cockroaches, among many other insects, really are high in protein! The main thing I like about this contest is seeing how contestants use the prompt words or phrases, and I like how you used this one. There really are stores like this, although I’m not sure if they're making ‘bug-burgers’ yet. I also like how you got some ‘revenge’ on your better half after she dared you and waved that you're-scared-card. What a darn shame that you’ll have to work on Saturday and miss that get-together! But like you said, at least 'Mom' will show up! Well done, Myles! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for sharing this, and have a frighteningly fantastic Halloween!
Hello, Istillexist. First off, I read you port intro, and you have my sincerest condolences for what you've gone through. I can tell by your handle that you're hanging in there, so to speak, and I hope and pray you'll stay strong! This is good. It's a little different from what other folks post as their first item on here, but that just shows how original you are. I can see you put some work into this (all those sayings with 'word' in them ),and words certainly do have power, especially toward children. It's a shame that they can't see what harm their words can do. When I was in the 5th grade, one of my classmates who was constantly being bullied and called names because of his size and acne didn't come back to school after Christmas vacation. He got his father's gun...and I'm sure you can guess the rest of the story. His name was Milton. I still remember that because that's how much it affected me. I also like your 'Wiccan' style, for lack of better word, and that explanation and/or note at the bottom of this was great! One tiny niggle:
'Yes! This means you to(o) Kee ponw ritin gon, Istillexist, and welcome to WdC! If you like to write, then you're going to love it here! PS-You might want to get your bioblock (biography) set up so we can know a little something more about you (hobbies, favorite books/authors, location, etc.), but that's up to you, of course. PSS-And since you’re new here, perhaps you’d like to check out "Noticing Newbies" and introduce yourself to the rest of the community if you haven’t already.
Buenos dias, SandraLynn! This is pretty neat! I like the misdirection you used to lead up to that surprise/twisted ending, and using that prompt phrase as the first and last sentence was a nice touch. I also like the descriptions you used as the ‘creature(s)’ rolled in the colorful autumn leaves. I was a little confused about the digging with a stick of wood part. I’m not sure how that came into play. Great spelling and grammar, but I do have a comment and suggestions:
‘The silent observers froze(,) afraid to (do) so much as twitch.’ (I know you were at your word limit, but maybe you could squeeze that in there somehow?) I love your sound effects! Thwack! Clunk! Kersplat! I once reviewed one new member’s potential science fiction ‘novel’ — he was 25! — and he was using the word ‘bang’ as a sound effect for a laser gun! Kee ponw ritin gon, SandraLynn! Thanks for sharing this, and have a really groovy Hallo"Weeeeeen!"
Osiyo, Paul! This isn’t bad. You did kind of start this out by dropping us right in the middle of it, but fortunately you took us back in time so it wasn’t too hard to get caught up! See what I did there? I like how you used that prompt phrase, as well as writing the whole thing only in dialogue. That must’ve been a feat in itself: trying to figure out where to drop your characters in the story and letting the reader the know the gist of the story, and then still having enough words to have that ‘happily ever after’ ending. You pulled it off though, and it worked well! But you’re right. One small stone could have had or have a major impact on our history or future! Kee ponw ritin gon, Paul! As always, ‘twas a pleasure to read, and have a very merry Halloween!
Bon jour, RatDog! This is good. I think most guys — single guys anyway — have probably told a story like this once or twice in their lives, but not quite the way Steve told it! Kind of reminds me of the old fishing ‘line’ about the huge one ‘that got away’. I like how the brunette and Steve managed to carry on that whole sultry conversation using all those clichés, and if they really did work for Steve, maybe the next I’m in a bar I might have to borrow a few of them! Well done, RD! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for the chuckles, and have a holly jolly Hallo"Weeeeeen!"
Guten tag, Myles! This is cool! First off, I like how you brought this full circle with that 'lousy driver' comment. And 2nd (and all the other numbers!), you did a great job of showing us just how rude this 'buxom blonde' bi*ch was while you were not just in the market, but in the parking lot as well. And 'knowing' that she was the type that Harry would ogle over gave you some extra ammunition! Excellent spelling, grammar, and descriptions! Heck, you even added the sense of smell, which a lot of writers forget about, including myself . But of course it was that one single line at the end that made this really shine! (I just wonder how that tart made out! ) Kee ponw ritin gon, my friend! Have a wonderful day and a wildly wicked Hallo"Weeeeeen!"
Hello there, Myles! This is pretty durn good! The idea of Darlene bringing her drunk hubbie to your place to 'fix' him was a great way to open this, even if did seem like a bit rude (to you!). But at least you were able to oblige her request, although she should have offered you some money! I sort of did see that ending coming when you two went inside for coffee, though. I guess that 12 hour spell limit doesn't matter, huh? 'Boasting a green stalk, Daryl excelled as a vegetable, a county fair winner.' That last line was golden, too!'shoulder-deep in pumpkin guts' Well done, me bucko! Kee ponw ritin gon, thanks for the chuckles, and have a wonderful evening and a holly jolly Halloween!
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