Please note, you are recieving a review from Itchywater. This review is only the opinion of one person. You may respectfully accept or reject this advice.
WHAT I LIKE THE MOST:
"the noise of those around me
gently tugs at me, drawing me back to
earth like the inevitability of gravity."
"I am content to remain in this moment
and leave all tomorrows behind.
Basking in this timeless place,
My spirit is at rest."
SUGGESTIONS;
It seems like the third stanza should be the second and the second should be the third stanza. Because the end of the first stanza you 'float above the earth... and taste the absence of time. And it is in the third stanza that you explain how your thoughts stop racing and your thoughts no longer race... 'you are in a timeless place. Yet, back to the second stanza you are called out of the timeless place, to feel sand and hear the noises, to be in the present.
OVERVIEW:
I thought this was a great poem and enjoyed reading it. I loved the topic. I did not find any technical errors. I do feel that the the last stanza should come after the first stanza, however. Nevertheless, it was well written and provides a soft, relaxing tone.
Hi I am Itchywater and am providing a detailed review of your work. Please note that what I provide is just my opinion. Feel free to respectfully accept or reject my advice.
WHAT I LIKED THE MOST:
I liked your poem a lot. So many people, myself included, are so quick to determine their future abilities by thier past successes and failures. This poem gives readers hope and reminds readers that new memories CAN be made for a new and different type of future.
SUGGESTIONS:
"its memories now" The first word needs to be capitalized, and the word "Its" does not fit here. Perhaps if you add an apostrophe for "It is" and add the word "the" it would be fitting. Also, memories would be singular, as you are creating one memory at a time. It's the memory now OR
It's the memory I create now
"we need to focus";"We can still" Who is we? You said "As I looked" and "I recalled" and "wishing I could" and "I can't" , now you switched to "we need" and "we can". This is very confusing. You need to continue with "I". Also, the word "NOW" is redundant is ruins the flow. You do not need the second "NOW " in the poem. See my example.
It's the memory I create now,
I need to focus on
as I move on...
I can still change the OR my future.
OVERALL:
I found this piece to be very inspirational. The reader could feel the emotion of the writer. Although there were a few technicalities to be fixed, the message could still be relayed to the reader. Thank you for sharing this.
I am happy to review your poem; however, you must note that my comments and suggestions are only my opinions. You are the author and only you can decide what is best for your work.
Things I liked:
"That puzzling portal perched on in-between"
"Her fickle nature causing indecision,"
I really liked the way you personified hope. You did a good job describing how hope affects us.
Suggestions: The second stanza, second line: "I hesitate, to ponder..." This comma is not necessary in the sentance as it is written. You could write " I hesitate, pondering..."
The third stanza, first line: the word "confess" breaks up the rythym because it rhymes with "unrest" the d, it is too much unessary ryhming and sounds awkward. Try "I must admit" or the like.
The last two lines of the third stanza don't make sense to me. I don't understand what you are saying here. They seem out of place. Perhaps you could clarify.
Overall:
You adhered to the Shakesperean Sonnet perfectly; abab, cdcd,efef, gg.
The poem was beautiful and had a clear message of hope. I particularly like the personification of hope because it allows the reader to view hope in a different light. Hope is good, but it can be scary. Hope is a journey, a journey into the unknown.
Please note, these are only my suggestions and opinions. I mean no offense by them.
I like what you are trying to say but the meaning is hard to find. "the questions Man has asked" what questions?
Here is my suggestion:
Sometimes I wonder; all the questions Mankind has ever asked--philosophical, polital, religious,etc. The more I ponder and cogitate, the more I become bitter and irate. And then I'm struck by consolation. Perhaps, just perhaps, we are only here to wonder.
I have underlined the portions that I feel are most crucial.
I like this idea. I think you can lengthen it, discussing the subject out into a poem.
I think this is a beautiful poem. I want to sing to it, it has such great rhythm,and of course rhyme. But it tells a story of imperfection that is perfect, a story about defeating sterotypes, a story about overcoming.
It says a lot to the reader who wants to hear. Thanks for letting me read this.
Itchywater
tmyt,
This is a lovely poem that shines a light on true Christianity. I like how were able to express God's love and mercy to the readers in unique and a tranquil way. The poem also illustrates how powerful the Word of God can be if we would just read it consistantly, as the woman in your poem does. I did not find errors to point out within the poem. However, the subtitle mentions the poem is about a religious women and her thoughts, but the poem does not really contain any personal thoughts only cause and effect (ex She cries for the joy of being loved unconditionally).
Overall this poem is well written and has a very powerful meaning. Thank you for sharing this with me, it is truely an inspiring poem.
-Itchywater
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deannarich/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 10:24pm on Apr 23, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
It seems like the third stanza should be the second and the second should be the third stanza. Because the end of the first stanza you 'float above the earth... and taste the absence of time. And it is in the third stanza that you explain how your thoughts stop racing and your thoughts no longer race... 'you are in a timeless place. Yet, back to the second stanza you are called out of the timeless place, to feel sand and hear the noises, to be in the present. 
"That puzzling portal perched on in-between"