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1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)

I liked the title and description to this story. It was quite easy to get caught up in the plot, but a little more description would really make this pop! How about adding some touches of scent into the story, what does the shop smell like? Is it open/airy or cramped? Does Holly have a scent about him? pine, fresh air, etc. I liked the idea of the spirit jars, but did feel sorry for those trapped within. I enjoyed how Susie set Holly free, but a bit dissappointed he chose to be a blackjack dealer, felt out of sync with his character, but could be just me.
Overall, an interesting, enjoyable little tale.
2
2
Review of The Night Road  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Title was the first thing that captured my attention in this story and I am so glad it did! Main character was three dimensional, likeable and certainly someone readers could picture knowing. Description was strong, vivid in every scene. Inner dialogue moved thestory ahead with never one dull momment. I also hate night driving, so it was very easy to relate to this story. Your ending was done with flair! Shocking, devastating, I never saw it coming flair!
A great job and I could not find one thing that would be needed to improve this story.


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3
3
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Your title and description led me to read your story as I enjoy true stories. Your opening and dialogue are good, but your ending made no sense to me- it felt unfinished, why just that one word, where/who was phantom and what happened at the crash? Can you add more detail so readers can connect and understand what's happening? Did an officer get sent out to check things out?
Also, you missed quotation marks around ;
"Damn it,' the officer thought.
"Bloody hell,"he thought.
Great potential in this story, just needs more detail to make it pop.

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4
4
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You've done an excellent job pulling readers into your character's mind to feel as he feels. Piece has a fast, frenzied pace that suits subject perfectly. Your ending has great punch, yet leaves excellent potential and scope should you want to make it a longer piece. Nice job!
MY SUGGESTIONS; [ Use what feels helpful, delete the rest]
Opening sentence; try to get rid of some passive 'ly' words; 'My mind races without pause...'
'...nor my effort' [ comma after effort adds punch]
'cry's' should be 'cries' in this context'
I'd start a second paragraph with 'The beast..'
'but i [ capitilize 'I'
'no reply.' [ try period here rather than comma for impact]
alone I stand.. [ I stand alone..' [ new sentence here aids flow and punch]
and the fight [ delete 'and' new sentence; The fight]
is consuming - try 'consumes' [ less passive]
'pointless' [ period and new sentence; ' Key in hand..'

Great story that held my attention throughout.


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5
5
Review of Evening escape  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A very pretty poem, light hearted and full of movement with words like 'fly' and sore [ spelled 'soar' in this context]
As I read, I felt punctuation would add a great deal to this piece, one is quite breathless after reading it aloud. Maybe commas after lines one and three, periods after lines two and four. Some areas need more then this as the rythm seems to change in places.
For me, the lines; 'When the heaveans let it pour' and My life so blessed' read a bit choppy, pour what? Maybe add some detail to them so they pull reader into feeling.
I would also capitilize the whole title for impact.
A poem with excellent potential, just needs a few more tweaks to fulfill all it's possibilities.

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6
6
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first things that caught my eye in this story were the title, it sounds like a story full of warmth, and the year it was set because that's the year I was born and one always seems curious what else was going on in the world then!
Excellent description with no wasted words or lengthy narrative in paragraph one. Lifestyles seemed so much simpler back then, I wonder how different today's kids would be with those big back yards and little to no TV? *Smile*
SUGGESTION- PARAGRAPH TWO;
'you and to strive to attain' Delete 'and to'
Interesting comparison between school and Grandma's teachings.
'What was wrong' [ typo; forgot 'was' in sentence.
That was one cold nurse, she must have realized she was speaking to a young child!
A tight, emotional ending to a wondeful story of memories. Sad and happy, they all shaped you and I am glad you treasured that time enough to share it.
Except for the two small typos mentioned above, I truly cannot see anyway to tighten or improve this story. It stands as it is. An excellent and memorable piece.


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7
7
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Interesting title and description, it pulled me into reading your story.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: I enjoyed the ghostly aspect to this piece, it was quite chilling and very entertaining, although I'd have enjoyed just a few more details on the setting, sounds, smells, dress, etc.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: Interesting and well managed plot, I always enjoy Civil War stories, this piece was interesting throughout.
Flow is reasonably strong, it did hold my interest and had a logical sequence, but I think it could have been improved by a few more details, the main character's age and appearance for one. It was hard to really see her.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: I think adding details to both Ellie and your main character would add grater connection for readers, how are they dressed? Their age, what does main character feel, fear, hopelessness, urgency?
Dialogue you have is realistic and reads well. I'd like to see more between Ellie and main character, you could slip in details easily there as well. Particularly when Ellie first finds her.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Imagery you have is interesting, more small details to add visual connection would be helpful in pulling reader into story.
Emotion feels a little weak, see above.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*:
When Ellie finds main character- see, she needs a name! *Smile*
Closing paragraphs, gave me chills.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
A foul terrible odour stench...
A hint of main character or Ellie's actual age would help readers visualize them both better.
If main character only fainted, why did she need nursing through night and could eat only broth? More detail here would make strong reader connection.
Then everything went black. how about; The world around me turned black.

What is she feeling, expierencing in this blur of time, movement, flashes of images, sensations, ie; warmth, cold, dizzy? Pull us deep into her mind/experience.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*:

An excellent beginning to a story I think could be truly outstanding with a bit od editing and added thoughts.


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8
8
Review of NOVEL WIP  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: I liked both, short, to the point, although 'simple' doesn't really seem to apply to the storyline.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: I felt this story had much added potential for drama that wasn't addressed, it comes across as more 'tongue in cheek' humour in some areas. I really would have liked to see an expanded version that goes more into Harley's day to day phobias and progress.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: Basic plot is strong and compelling, a little expansion would make this piece really stand out. Flow is relatively even and balanced throughout, I have noted any rough areas in the suggestions below.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: I didn't feel I really got to know this Doctor as a person, he seemed a bit unrealistic in places, example; why would he listen to janitor's advise on his new patient? Wouldn't he react more to an apparent suicide?
What villainous does Harley resemble in Batman? How come?
Dialogue is realistic in storyline, but what was the point of the Doctor belittling Harley's favored talent? Seemed unrealistic.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Your imagery of hospital corrider is excellent, I'd drop the Christmas turkey remark, pretty cold, could put readers off story. Also makes Doctor seem cold and uncaring, not good in his profession.
Emotion really seems lacking in either patient or Doctor, lacking isn't quite right with Harley, maybe left out in important areas, such as how she feels about herself, hospital, doctor, wouldn't all this be things doctor needed to know?

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*:
I called her Harley.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
me being her.. I was her psychiatrist. [ better flow]
How touching. delete, adds nothing, makes character cold, cynical, and a bit of a jerk.
cherry blossom lips.[ he's never seen her and why would a doctor care about that?
light bulb fixture [ more realistic]
Why would doctor need to smoke half a pack of cigarettes after a one hour interview? Add details, in dialogue or his thoughts.
Why would hospital staff allow Harley to cook dinner, tie doctors [ his] shoelaces, brush his teeth?
So you know what? I gave up and handed her one.
Instictively
seen saw someone
pretty cold thoughts for her doctor and why didn't he call 911 or staff?
trialled tried?


CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*
You have lots of potential in this piece, try re-working the ending to be more realistic, is Doctor worried about job? Superiors, mourns Harley? What motive did she have to end life when freedom was so close?


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9
9
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: An interesting title choice, I would spell out Chapter ONE instead of number 1. Description didn't really catch my interest as I had no idea what a Kinetomancy Master might be- I'd try focusing more on the magical aspect and Kenton's challenge in story.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: I got a bit distracted by the seemingly shifting POV between paragraphs, I'd say this story would be stronger in first person and try to weed out third person aspects like paragraph two, re-work them to be first person, or do entire story in third person. I feel you could hold reader interest better if we see and feel through Kenton's thoughts and emotions.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: Plot seems to be about a school master of a magical school wanting his school to be one of the best, but I am not certain what his real challenge is. Flow would be greatly improved by sticking to one POV and giving the piece a good checking for small typos and spelling errors, I listed some in the line by line, but there are quite a few others sprinkled throughout. Easily fixed in editing phase.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: Kenton seems an interesting character, but I didn't get a real feel for his age, looks, personality. He seems a bit of a 'people pleaser', but that could just be my impression.
Dialogue flowed well for the most part, but did seem a bit long at the end which made it hard to follow. Perhaps sprinkling in some personal observations from Kenton, placing descriptions, brief ones, of person's who stand out to him would break this up a little and keep reader involved in story more firmly.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Imagery is good in describing city, needs a bit more detail on magical aspects, not all know what wards are or what they do. To non-magical types it can be confusing, Iknow, so had an advantage, but have also seen blank looks on faces of people I mentioned them to in reality.
You might want to shorten and combine paragraphs describing flowers and statues as they are not of great importance to storyline.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*:
Paragraph one, loved the idea of murdering paper! *Smile* Reminds me of my own writing attempts.
Also liked the closing line as it left me curious about that character.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:

Yelled Kenton Kenton yelled.. [ smoother flow]
he He said..[ I'd actually try changing this up to He muttered under his breath or similar...]
Changing POV needs fixing as mentioned, also known as head hopping- I personally feel the story comes through better here solely in Kenton's point of view.
it is was too important...
and i I did not...
Do a thorough spell check and read through for typos and incorrect small words as above - too many to list here, but they are easily fixed with editing.
Can you put in some physical reaction when the carriage lurches on this important letter? Does Kenton slam a fist into seats, curl lips, etc.
what is a shudder, did you mean opened a shutter? Hard to wade through paper seated in carriage, not much room...
are were making it hard to work.
What happened to that so important letter? Feels like unfinished scene and throws reader off slightly in being a very abrupt change.
like a simpleton, you are a master. Now pull... [ punctuation adds smoother flow and drama]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*: I think you have the makings of a most interesting tale here, definitely worth putting in some time and effort to edit, refine and continue the story!


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10
10
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Opening paragraph is good, but doesn't leave much room for speculation on patient later. Had she already moved into the new apartment? [ seems a long time had passed since promotion in order to find and relocate into new apartment, to have friends just be celebrating promotion. House warming party maybe?]
'nevertheless' should be deleted- redundant to sentence about being tipsy.
I liked the amount of detail in the second half of the prologue- adds both interest and authenticity. [ note; who called in finding her- isn't that a person of interest police would hold/question?]
Nice ending, leaves one connected to Samantha, curious as to who will notify her friends, family, will they come, how long will they stay, etc. Also, will Samantha awake, how will she be?
Definately makes me want to read on!!

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11
11
Review of 'The Cave'  
In affiliation with Put Your Best Foot Forward Par...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a judge of the;
 
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What a Character! : Official WDC Contest  (E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering!
Reviews will also be submitted to the Simply Positive Review Group.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. Good luck in the Contest, it has been a pleasure to share your work! With that said, here is my review;

TITLE: DESCRIPTION: Excellent title, sharp, interesting. Description is interesting and a fantastic hook into story!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I liked the way the story unfolded, you did quite a nice job of creating suspence, particularly in middle of story. Begginning in particular is a bit slow, the pacing seems just a couple beats too slow for a short adventure story, although the information is great! Maybe try mixing in some shorter, punchier sentences with the long ones? You do have alot of comma spliced sentences and use the word 'and' very frequently.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: I liked both your characters, they seem to have fairly different personalities, but I couldn't really see them in my mind to connect. Maybe add some physical details of looks, do they live together, with parents? Haeden's age only becomes apparent later in story. Why does Eric consider Haeden irresponsible? Only because of his enthusiasm? Haeden seemed pretty responsible at end.

PLOT: This is a great plot, very original in content! It has both action anddark aspects, more action/adventure I felt. I also thought it had enough complexity to become a much longer story with the ending greatly extended. [ maybe you plan a sequel?] This ends rather abruptly, more details on Eric's condition and whether they escape would be good, more satisfying to readers.

DIALOGUE: Dialogue between boys is crisp and believable, but I'd like to see more of it rather than narrative flows to tell what's happening, show us through boys dialogue and actions. Add in some emotion in voices and thoughts.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: Events unfold logically, but pacing feels more methodical than usual in an action tale like this one. I'd like to see brothers talk of what creature might be, it's first threatening moves. Does it move fast, stealthy, two-legged? I also felt they'd discuss coffin a bit.
Near the end, I felt a stronger description of attack would work better, and some clue as to extent of Eric's injuries would be good, wouldn't Haeden check him closer?

EMOTION:IMAGERY : I didn't feel strong emotion from either brother. What made Haeden so intent on revenge?

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
hills of Georgia, for caves...no comma here
Typically The brothers... try to use less 'and' sentences.
at dawn; pack a large lunch...too many commas, can you break it up some?
'entered the hole' how? walked in, climbed in by ropes?
Show by dialogue Eric convincing Haeden to walk behind him, put us in thier heads and world
Why couldn't he see ceiling of cave? Did it expand? let us see through the boys eyes.
If Eric doesn't want Haeden to know it's a coffin, why does he comment on it later? Seems more likely they'd talk about possibilities of how it got there.
I'd try working this coffin scene and sentences beginning 'The same curiosity; wondered where the body was' into dialogue between brothers.
And, of course...He wondered...
perhaps a metal object. let readers speculate what made marks, spookier.
reflecting off of in the light.
in a voice too loud to be a whisper. said loudly.
not as startled by the noise as Haeden. delete, doesn't really add anything to story.
He became aware of an intense pain. Intense pain flared in his back. describe attack in detail, this is a defining momment in story.
show us more detail of creature, claws, fangs, is it biting? Smell to it?
He shined shone the flashlight.
crouching over and resting partly on ... awkward sentence, can you refine it to clearer image?
climbed off.. how, slow, fast, threatening?
What condition is Eric in as they leave cave, bleeding, half-conscious, needs splints, bandages? Give us a reason to understand/ connect with Haeden's need for revenge- they obviously expected something might defend it's home/cave.
not alone- but he wasn't alone this time. Do you mean armed, with group of people? Isn't he curious even a little what it is?

FINAL THOUGHTS: This is a chilling adventure story! With some edits, tweaks, it will be awesome! I'd like to see ending extended to thier return, hunt/capture of creature to learn what it is, but maybe you plan a sequel? I'm looking forward to reading this again!

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12
12
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

A dark and spooky poem full of imagery. I liked the storyline to this, but felt flow would be greatly improved if you went through and added punctuation to last half of poem. The rythm really breaks down without it. A couple of suggestions;
... frightful feeling [ can you use a word that tells what feeling is; shock, pain, etc?]
another sould MADE marred and feeble. [ seems a better flow?]
I hope you edit this poem, it has great potential and I'd be happy to re-read and re-rate it!

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13
13
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Nice title, arouses curiosity, but you need to capitilize each word in it. Description fits piece, but I bet you could come up with one that is more of a story teaser.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: Impressive storyline and subject- it held my interest - but I would have liked to know who the woman was to him, some glimmer of thought that lets him remember, even dimly, what he did. Voice is strong and crisp throughout, with a little revision and tweaking, you'll have a stand-out story!

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: Plot needs to be planned a bit more thouroughly, particularly at end, but overall, has the bones of a chilling tale.
Flow is smooth, but by fixing typos and adding punctuation missed, you'd really add reader draw to this story, we need something to connect with in the character, remorse, etc.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: Main character is interesting, but see above statements. I'd like to see some inner dialogue added here, how did he come to this place in life, age?

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Imagery is strong, you add good detail with few wasted words. I'd like to see more emotion in this character- he seems to have no feelings and that makes him rather dry, less interesting. One has no reason to care about him.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*:
opening lines, ending if slightly edited.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
'which was now smaller' try revising to something like; ' which seemed to shrink as each second ticked by' [ more dramatic, ends repitition of small.
inhibited his mind. to succumb to this.
Jesus, she was...
to reality. They were close now. [ comma splice, make two sentences.]
weapon's [missed apostrophe]
his system. and The... [ comma splice again.]
You need to give this a good edit for comma splices, weak verbs, missed punctuation.
worsening worsened [ weak verb]
Ending needs a bit of revising to work. You have main character telling story- but how can he tell the last few lines after death? Try having him feel first two bullets, being aware of third as his body goes numb? Also, I'd delete the very last line- it's redundant as he's beyond asking/caring by then.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*: You have the makings of an outstanding story here, very deep and dark! Let me know if you revise it, I'd be happy to re-read and re-rate it!


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14
14
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I fell in love with this sweet little story of remembrance at first read. Characters are bright and well rounded. They are both believable and likeable. Imagery of the new additions to home are well done. I really felt part of this story. I was sad it was not longer, but the ending made tears come to my eyes. My only suggestions would be for paragraph one. You have one very long sentence there, try breaking it up like this;
hometown;...highschools,
My only other suggestion would be to add more details to lengthen story, really connect reader into family, example; a paragraph showing him taking kids on ride down the beach, reactions, wind-blown hair, etc.
Overall, an enjoyable little gem of a read I truly enjoyed.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Great title! Description was interesting, caught my interest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: There is a catchy undertone of inevitability, tightly controlled in this story that made me want to keep reading. Although some areas have much repitition of words that I thought could be made a little more dramatic if changed, the story still works.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: A grief stricken man seeks revenge and an end to his pain. You did a great job with this, the story never wavers and has a great end twist. Flow is consistent, very measured pace throughout. Nice job!

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: Your narrator is interesting and easy to relate to. I actually liked him despite his profession. His antagonist is very easy to visualize and the men seem quite different personalities.
Dialogue [internal] is believable and moves the story ahead at a good pace, lots of info without seeming like narrative. External dialogue is realistic, easy to follow.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: I felt imagery could be a bit more detailed towards the end, see line by line notes. For the most part, it is easy to feel part of the story.
Emotion is rather held back, but I felt this was deliberate. The flashback worked well to break up narrative and add emotional connection to main character.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*:
Opening paragraph, flashback, ending.

SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
How does narrator know his exact time of death, or is that the other person's at end? I would clarify here for believability, although I like the ending line as is.
...here any minute. so I [new sentence- too many run on ones spoil flow]
...friend. so I know him well.
is it not night? How can he see the car in the dark, are there outside lights?
across from me. We talk. [ shown right away]
yourself months ago... [ use plural]
He nods, nodded? but I..
twitch,
thinks he's [ possesive, use apostrophe]
matter. It's too late. [ run-on sentence]
I know, I know...too many repititions on know in this paragraph IMHO
said, it didn't matter.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*:
An interesting, entertaining story that sticks in the mind after reading. *Thumbsup*


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16
16
Review of To My Children  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed the crisp, gentle flow of this letter and it's heartfelt emotion. That is what kept me reading. Strong sentimental feelings are deeply intertwined with the description of each family members contribution to the whole. I particularly liked and related to this being an ' unconventional' family! Well done in plotting there! Description and tone are light, not overly 'gushing', just simple truths as to how each is important. My only suggestion is that I'd have loved to know what species each member is. *Smile*

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17
17
Review of Running  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Great title! I felt the first sentence and paragraph were great hooks, they pulled me into the story right away. I felt the setting was richly detailed without wordiness, this kept your flow smooth and placed me right into the scene. I enjoyed the vibrant imagery and emotion in this story, Amanda is a vibrant, three dimensional character I wanted to know better. I just noted a few suggestions as I read.
paragraph three, line one; comma after 'route'
line three; 'stance' felt out of sync here because she's still moving, maybe substitute, weight or balance?
I'd put a break after paragraph three to show scene/ character change.
around him [was] littered... [ missed word in brackets]
comma after 'hood'
Ending was satisifying and I will definately check out the link to the rest of this!

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18
18
Review of Lost  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I liked both the storyline and concept of this short poem. A strong feeling of despair and mindless repetition is built into it's lines. The underlying emotions made me feel very sad as I read. Wording is good, I did feel a couple of lines could be tweaked to create more strength, but will leave this to the writer.
Here are two small suggestions for thought;
stays[remains] the same.
satisfaction [may never] be attained - my suggestions are contained in the brackets, not suggesting use brackets in poem.
Here are the suggestions that most stood out to me; Line two, comma after 'insist'
Line five; Lame does not need capitalization.
A very nice first draft that just requires slight tweaking and polishing to really shine.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Words  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

The title and description drew me to read this free verse poem and I am glad it did! I liked the story this poem tells and it's message of caution and consequences, which I felt was told very well. There is an appealing almost sing-song quality to this piece that provides great flow and rhythm. It kept my interest and entertained while making me think. Well done! Verse two was my special favorite for its great description and emotional content. Grammar and spelling are good, punctuation lets poem hold reader interest even when read aloud. An excellent read!

20
20
Review of The Dark  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)

An interesting tale with a unique plot and twist at the end. I did feel your opening sentences would be a bit more believable if Lucy had not been afraid of the dark previously- obviously she was by than. 'Horrible' shade of green- can you find an actual color that might be more accessible for reader imagination? I think that would work well here. Your pacing and story flow is excellent, nothing jarred the reader out of the story, I was quite caught up in it, actually surprised I'd reached the end. I think you have a strong enough plot and bones here to make this story longer. The ending leaves so many possibilities, yet is satisfying as is.
I didn't note any grammar or spelling errors. Altogether a great, spooky read without the gore!

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;*Fire*: Excellent title, it caught my interest immediately, particularly combined with last line of description!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:*Trees*: I enjoyed the fast pace of this piece, it added a feeling of foreboding and urgency that really held me in the story. Great use of movement in this piece, moving cars, changing scenery. rain, etc.
A true sense of fate and excellent use of foreshadowing.

PLOT; FLOW;*Target*: A man of indeterminate age stalks his female victim from their past. Very believable and made me wonder if I shouldn't be much more aware of cars in my rear mirrors as I drive! Flow is consistent and moves naturally all through this short story. It certainly made me want to keep reading with each fresh detail revealed.

Characters, Dialogue:*InfoR*: Characters are believable, well thought out, I didn't really get a feel for their current ages however, which could add another level of eeriness in time passed. [ see suggestions]
Internal dialogue of main character is incredible, adding detail and moving story forward in a most compelling manner!

IMAGERY; EMOTION:*BurstR*: Imagery is sharp, varied and adds intensely to the plot. Emotions are strong and easily felt/ shared by reader.

Favorite Lines/Parts:*QuestionR*: Without giving anything away to spoil it for others, main characters detailed memories of past, his knowledge of present.
SUGGESTIONS;*Question*:
I felt adding a hint to characters current ages would enhance this story.
Were others in house? noises, music, fridge/furnace sounds? Little added details here would really make this pop!

CLOSING THOUGHTS;*Exclaim*: An incredible look into a truly scary mind. You packed incredible detail with beginning, middle and satisfying end into such a short piece! I would definitely recommend this to others.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Clowning Around  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

I found this story carried a serious message as it's morale, and I would have liked to see where the man took his revelation. I found myself captivated by the clown's revelations about how his everyday life was, one never stops to think what might lie beneath the surface of these entertainers, but you covered it very well in this piece. It certainly made me think and that is what I look for in a story. Your character was three dimensional, and very easy to connect with in this story. Flow is strong, contemplative and consistent throughout. Grammar and spelling are good. I think what makes this story work so well is that most of us have fears of not fitting in or being taken seriously by friends, family, sometimes it really is easier just to be whom we are expected to be, your story demonstrates those fears very well.


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Review of First Date  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

You took a great title and description and added humour to make one perfect little story come alive! Characters are realistic, easily visualized- the daughter's reply left me chuckling, this could have been my dating life's story! I could just see her boyfriend's eyes and nostrils widen. *Bigsmile*
Grammar, punctuation, flow all work together to create a perfect harmony that never jars or jostles the reader in this piece.
Great job!

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I enjoyed how you made a clear story line in this poem, ripe with vivid images that put the reader in tune with the girl's plight. Excellent use of imagery to keep reader engaged. I did feel the narrator was a bit detached from the main character's emotions though- wording felt a little dry, as if the narrator couldn't quite let themselves go to really bring the desolation and inner pain to surface, this might be done to show societies lack of caring though, so it actually works in this piece. Ending verse is particularly sad to me, the sense of loss was as real as if I'd personally known this girl.
I do have a couple of suggestions I thought about as I read.
Verse Two; try changing 'the' to 'her'; to keep POV straight, it changes here. Same problem again in Verse Four, Line One; 'the soul' should be 'her soul'
My only other suggestion is to put first letters of all title words in caps- draws eye better to piece. In body, center and capitalize title to set it apart from words of poem.
Overall, a touching, memorable poem that just needs a little polishing to be a stand-out piece.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I would call this free form poetry, I really liked the storyline and premise behind it. Imagery is potent, easy to see and relate to. You did a great job with that!
This poem would really shine with a little more tweaking, revision and additional punctuation! Here's a few suggestions, if you'd like further help, just email me privately.
I'd love to re-read this when you revise it.
SUGGESTIONS;
Lines one and two are the same thought, try this;
a comma after gold, put 'while' in lower case, period at end of line two.
same with lines 3/4, or just make one continuous line.
The [ capitalize, make this new line] willful souls that strayed from the path of grace.
When did time become frail? And nature weep [ from her sorrow;] one line]
born [ lower case] of the rape of a daughter? [ question mark here]
Use similar changes in rest of poem, some lines could be tied together like so:
No course to change; no path to stray from,
only the mindless response,
To the call of the machine.
Bodies twisted.....

A hard hitting and thought provoking poem I hope you will keep working with until it's full beauty is free for all to see! Write on....



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